Out of Mind (21 page)

“Well, he can just happen to kiss my ass, too.” Marie set her coffee down hard. “Is he out there?”

“Yep. He’s pissed because I’m surfing.”

She stood up. She had on a pair of short shorts and combat boots, paired with a flowing purple tank top. She looked beautiful in her anger. It brought a color to her cheeks that had been missing before. “He’s about to be even more pissed after I’m done with him.”

She stormed out without another word. I blinked after her.

“Okay, then,” I muttered. After I finished changing, I grabbed my board and headed downstairs. I passed Cory, but ignored him. We were
so
done, no matter how much he knew about me. My bullshit meter had filled up and overflowed. I came through the doors just in time to see Marie stomping away from Hernandez. He watched her with a confused look on his face, shaking his head. I almost felt sorry for him.

I walked right by him. “I’m going now.”

“I don’t like this.” He walked beside me, glaring the whole time. “You shouldn’t be out there alone.”

“I’ll be fine. Turns out, I kinda like being alone. There’s no one to boss me around, and no one to let down. ” I flipped my hair over my shoulder and unlocked the car. “You can watch from the beach if you’d like. Want a ride?”

He sighed. “Sure. Why not?”

The whole time we drove to the beach, my heart raced. I was actually going to do this. Go out there without Finn. It was exhilarating. Scary. Fun. And more importantly, it would prove I didn’t need him anymore. I didn’t need him to have fun. If I could do this, well, I could move on. I could be free of him.

Maybe, with time, I could even be happy again.

I pulled into my normal spot. There weren’t a lot of people out there in the water. It was too late for optimal waves, but I didn’t care. I was going to have fun anyway. I hopped out of my car and grabbed my board, closing my eyes and inhaling the fresh beach smell. On the West Coast, it smelled so clean. Crisp, even. The waves crashed on the sand, creating a soothing sound that never ceased to calm my nerves. Today was no exception. I kicked off my flip-flops, eager to get my bare toes in the sand again.

Hernandez shoved his phone in his pocket and scanned the beach. “Where do you surf?”

“Out there.” I pointed to my normal spot. It’s where Finn had always taken me, and I couldn’t imagine going anywhere else. Maybe it was habit; maybe it was sentiment. Maybe I was a glutton for punishment. All I knew was I liked the memories, as painful as they might be at times. “See? There’s even a bench over there where you can sit and watch.”

He nodded. “Don’t kill yourself, or
he’ll
kill
me
.”

“Don’t worry, my dad will never know you let me surf,” I called over my shoulder, tossing my flip-flops at him. “Hold these, will ya?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he called out sarcastically. “Want me to braid your hair and tell you all my secrets, too?”

I ignored him, grinning as I headed for the surf. As soon as my feet touched the water, I laughed out loud. This was it. This was what I’d needed today. I swam out to the optimal surfing point and climbed on my board. Wringing my hair out, I tilted my face up to the sun, letting it all soak in. Letting the freedom hit me.

I could do this. I could move on. Get over him.

Try again.

“Hey, Ginger.” A shadow fell over me, and for a second I thought I was imagining things again. Hearing things. “You know you’re not supposed to be out here alone.”

I opened my eyes slowly, as if I might find out I’d imagined the whole thing if I dared to peek. It was him.
Finn
. My heart lurched, painfully accelerating so hard it seemed as if it was trying to jump out of my chest and back into his hands where it used to be.

I scanned him, looking for any signs of the haunted man he’d used to be. He still had the scars. Still looked tired as hell. His brown hair had grown in a bit; looking about the same length as it had been last time he’d gone to drill. And his arm was out of the cast. He wasn’t wearing dog tags. In fact, he wore nothing but his black wetsuit and a cautious look in his eyes. He looked good. Healthy. Happy.

Holy. Freaking. Crap.

I watched her, my heart pounding in my ears full speed ahead. I hadn’t been planning on saying hello to her. I’d been planning on watching her from far, far away. Hernandez had texted me to let me know she was going out in the water, and I’d rushed so I could get there before her. Waiting. Watching. Guarding.

The usual.

But then I’d seen her, sitting in the sun, looking pretty as hell with her wild red hair blowing in the breeze, and something inside me had broken. Maybe it was something that had been holding me back, restraint even. But now that she was out here, in my territory, there was no holding back.

Her hair was longer, reaching all the way down to the small of her back while wet, and it looked even darker than before since it was damp. Her blue eyes looked bluer than I remembered, too. Fucking gorgeous. That’s what she was. She was perfection, while I was not. I was finally starting to be okay with that fact, though. That I wasn’t perfect and never would be.

She was just staring at me.

Finally, she seemed to snap out of it. She licked her gorgeous lips, her gaze skimming over me all over again. Did she like what she saw? I’d grown my hair longer for her. It helped camouflage my scar a little. That had to help my appearance somewhat.

She shook her head slightly. When she spoke, her voice came out hoarse. “You…You’re
here
.”

“I am.” I tugged on my hair, watching her. “I’ve been here for a while, actually. A little over a month now, I guess. Maybe two.”

It had been two months, one day, three hours, and twelve minutes, to be exact. She didn’t say anything. Just stared at me, not moving besides the lull of the waves that made her board sway. I cleared my throat. “Did you get my flower?”

She blinked at that. “That was from you?”

“Yeah.” I rubbed my head. “I left it on your car earlier.”

“W-Why?”

I shrugged. “Because I wanted to.”

“I…see. Why come back out here?” She met my eyes again. “Instead of staying in D.C.?”

“There’s nothing for me in D.C. anymore.”

She cocked her head. “And there’s something for you here?”

“Yes.”
You. I love you. Take me back. Forgive me. Make me whole again.
“The weather’s nicer. And there’s surfing. Hernandez. My bike…”
You
.

“I see.” She stared at me, not moving. “You—” She cleared her throat. “You look good. Better. Are you?”

I couldn’t believe she was being so damn polite. “Thanks. Yeah, I am.” My heart twisted and turned. “You look beautiful, as always. So fucking beautiful.”

“Th-Thank you.” She took a deep breath, color slowly coming back to her cheeks. “I don’t know what to say to you right now. This feels weird.”

I tried to smile at her. It probably came across as a grimace mixed with a grin. It hurt to feel so damn awkward around her. We’d never been like this. “A little bit, yeah. But we’ve never had to deal with the aftermath of…after saying all that we said.”

“And you never snuck away in the middle of the night on me, either,” she said slowly, her bright eyes still on me.

“About that?” I looked down at my hands. Should I tell her it was all a lie? That I’d been trying to save her from me? Would she even fucking care? Time to find out. “I fucked up. I never meant—”

“Don’t.” She glared at me. Now she was pissed.
This
is what I’d expected to see. “Don’t go apologizing or backpedaling. And don’t you dare try to take it back. You said how you felt, and you left. I shouldn’t have even brought it up. You caught me off guard, is all.” She let her hand fall back to the board. “I wasn’t expecting to see you out here. Actually, I wasn’t expecting to see you at all. I told you not to check on me, remember? Said I didn’t want to see you again.”

Yeah. I remembered. But I couldn’t stay away. “I’m sorry. I really am.” I twisted my lips. “It’s not safe for you to be surfing alone. You know that, Ginger.”

She lifted her chin, her blue eyes flaring with anger and maybe a hint of something else. Sadness, maybe. “I’m fine on my own, thank you very much. I’ve been just fine without you here watching over me, and I’ll continue to be fine. I don’t need you watching me to make sure I don’t drown. I have Hernandez.”

I gripped the surfboard. I’d been right. She was fine without me. Didn’t need me like I needed her. “Hernandez can’t fucking surf.”

“Yeah, but he can swim. And even if he couldn’t? Even if I drowned out here? That’s my problem, not yours.” She looked away. “You’re not my guard or my boyfriend anymore, so stop acting like you’re either one.”

I flinched. “I know you’re not mine anymore. That’s not why I’m here. I was planning on surfing already. You’re not the only one who surfs on weekends, if you recall. I’m the one who brought you here in the first place.”

She bit down hard on her lip, looking flustered and upset with my reappearance in her life. I shouldn’t have said hi, damn it. She fingered her necklace, and I stared at in in disbelief. It was the one I’d given her. She still wore it. “You weren’t supposed to come find me. I told you—”

“You’re wearing our necklace,” I said, my voice sounding way too fucking weak. “You didn’t throw it away after I left?”

She dropped it immediately. “No. I didn’t throw it away.” Her cheeks red, she looked away from me. “I-I forgot all about it, honestly.”

Something told me that wasn’t true. She was lying to me. She knew she was wearing it, and she wore it because it reminded her of me. I knew it. Happiness rushed through my veins. For the first time in months, I let myself believe I stood a chance with her. Let myself believe I might be able to make her love me again.

God knows I needed her to feel alive.

“Ginger. Fuck, I miss you so—”

“
Don’t
.” She shook her head, her eyes spitting sharp blades of fire my way. “You don’t get to say that to me. Just leave me alone. I’m out here for some peace and quiet, not for a trip down memory lane. We’ve ‘caught up
,
’” she used her fingers to make quotations marks, “enough. Now go back to leaving me alone, like we agreed upon.”

I gripped my board tighter. “I can’t leave you.”

“You didn’t have that issue in D.C.” She glowered at me, her eyes still spitting fire. “I haven’t forgotten what you said, and I’m sure you haven’t forgotten what I said. Goodbye, Finn.”

She closed her eyes, obviously intending to ignore me until I left. I sat there quietly, not so much as making a splash, letting my heart break some more. Hell, I was used to it now. After a while, she cracked her eye open and looked at me. I inclined my head and looked her over, trying to act as if there was nothing strange about us being out here alone again. “Yeah, I’m still here.”

“I see that,” she said, frustration clear in her voice. “What are you trying to do, Finn? What do you want from me? Is there a point to this visit?”

“I wanted to see you again,” I said, my voice light. Just being near her, talking to her, felt like fucking heaven. I missed her so damn much. I tugged on my hair. “It’s the first time I felt strong enough to come up to you. I didn’t want to come back till I was better.”

Her gaze flew to mine. “And you’re better now?”

“I think so.” I swallowed hard. “How have you been, though?”

She turned her head away, hiding her pretty face from mine. “Ask Hernandez how I’m doing if you want to know.” She glowered toward where he sat on a bench by the beach. He looked like he was texting someone, or surfing the web instead of the ocean. “I’m sure he could tell you everything you want to know about me.”

“I’m not asking him anything. I’m asking you.” I hesitated. “I know I’m not supposed to say it, but I’ve missed you, Ginger. So damn much.”

“You really shouldn’t call me that anymore,” she said, her voice breaking. “It’s not right. We’re not together, and that was what you called me when—” She broke off, rubbing her hand on her forehead. “It’s not right.”

“I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.” I swallowed hard, my throat aching with the pain I’d caused her. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and never let go again. To love her like I should have all those months ago. “I never wanted to do this to you. To us.”

She looked at me again. The pain in those baby blues hurt. “But you did it anyway.”

“I did.” I nodded once. “I wish I could take it all away, Carrie. I really do.”

“Well, you can’t. It’s over. When you told me—” She broke off, shaking her head. “You know what? I’m not saying it. Not fighting with you. Our days of fighting are over. We’re over. You saw to that.”

I gritted my teeth so hard it hurt. “I know. I’ll never stop regretting it, and I will never get over it. Over you.”

She made a small sound. “Don’t go there.”

“Why not?” I paddled closer to her. “Are you and Riley an item now?”

She stiffened and held her hand out, wanting me to stay away, I could only assume. “That’s not any of your business.
You’re
the one who broke up with
me
. That means you don’t get to ask about my personal life anymore.”