Out of the Ashes (24 page)

“Yes, thank you.  I feel much better now.
” 

“Well, I seem to have everything I need here. I
’ll let you know if there’s anything else I need.”  He goes to his desk and I head to mine.  We work in complete silence until lunch.

I didn
’t think about how it would affect me to sit in this room with him all day but somehow I make it to lunch.  “Mr. Jacobs, I’m heading to lunch now.  Can I get you anything before lunch?” 

“No, Ms. Brooks.  I have a meeting in a few minutes across town but will be back before the meeting on the warehouse development
at 4 p.m.” 

“Oh, I didn
’t see that on your calendar.  Did you need any materials prepped for it?” 

“No
, it wasn’t on my calendar and I have it under control.  It’s of a personal nature.  Enjoy your lunch.”  Of course he wouldn’t want to share his personal life with me any longer.  That chapter was over before it really began.  He smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes.  Now that I take some time to study him, he looks as tired and worn as I feel.  Not knowing what else to say and feeling like the staring is becoming awkward, I excuse myself to meet Gavin for lunch.

“So how’s it going?” 

“Tense and chilly but other than that fine.  He hasn’t made any move to talk to me about it.”

“You seem upset by that?”

“I don’t know… After the way we got together, I just didn’t think he would let it go so easily.  But I guess that just proves he really wasn’t interested in a relationship with me at all; he just wanted to get into my pants.  I can’t believe that I was stupid enough to believe him.  I let my guard down and trusted him in a way I haven’t trusted a man since I ran.  I love him.”  It cuts me to say the words but I have to face the reality of the situation.  I sit here pondering my own words.  My heart belongs to Ian; I don’t have a clue how to get it back and it’s very clear that he doesn’t want it. 

“Shit.”  Gavin mumbles as he sets his menu down.  “
Celeste, I’m so sorry.  I know it doesn’t fix anything but I’m here, if you need me.  Damn, I knew you were in deep and should’ve seen it but I had no idea you were in love with him.”  He holds my hand for a long time just allowing me time to come to grips with my feelings.

Trying to avoid the rest of a difficult conversation,
Gavin and I order lunch and discuss his work schedule for the week.  I don’t have any trips coming up for work in the next couple of weeks so we make plans to head down to D.C. for the weekend.

When I return from lunch, I run into Rebecca in the lobby, like literally run into her.  Coming through the door, looking down at my phone, trying to mentally prepare for the afternoon ahead of me, I don’t see anything until I run smack into something o
r more precisely someone.  I’m so lost in my thoughts of Ian that I don’t even see who’s in front of me.  “Oh sorry.”  I mumble before looking up.  As soon as I do, I immediately want to retract my words. 

She pastes a sticky sweet smile on her face as she says, “Sorry for running into me or sorry for fucking my fiancé?
”  My mouth drops open at her question and she knows she has my attention.  “You think you can keep your hands to yourself?” she spits out sarcastically.  “I’ll have this all dealt with soon enough.  So don’t get too comfortable up in the penthouse.”  The way she looks at me tells me she’ll really do anything to keep me from him. “I hear Patrick is back on the market since I dropped him.  And I know he’s interested in you especially since you had Ian’s attention for a little time.  And we both know how much he loves to play with Ian’s shiny toys.”  BITCH!  I knew I hated her before but now…  Though with Ian’s behavior this weekend maybe the two of them are meant for each other. 

With a sneer, she continues, “Yes, Patrick’s always has a fondness for taking things from Ian.  And a little gold digging whore like you should be just as satisfied with a k
nock off.  Just remember I’ve had them both and they both always come back to me.” 

If we weren’t in the lobby of Jacobs Towers, I would rip into her, literally.  As it is, all I can say is “Are you finished yet?  You’re welcome to both of them.  I want nothing more to do with Ian or you and the shit storm that surrounds the two of you.” 

Rebecca smiles, “So long as you’re clear on what your position here is.”  With that, she turns and walks over to the reception desk to talk with Danielle, who’s been watching our exchange with rapt attention.  This fucking day just keeps getting better and better.

The afternoon
is more of the same between Ian and I.  We manage to work to together but there is no conversation about what happened over the weekend.  Well, that’s fine by me.  What could he say anyway? Part of me wants to discuss it all with him but there is really nothing to discuss.  He made his choice and it wasn’t me.

During the next few weeks, things at the office are basically the same
.  Some of the tension is dissipating and he’s made no mention of wanting to get rid of me, yet.  I try to work through the discomfort but being in the same room day after day with the person who ripped my heart in two is taking its toll on me physically and emotionally.  The nightmares are much more frequent, happening almost every night; it’s like my mind knows that the only protection I might have had is gone. 

I have no appetite and the only thing that helps distract me is running.  So before work everyday, I run a
5-mile circuit and if the day is particularly tough, which most of them are because I see Ian, I run another circuit after work.  If I were eating properly, this would have done some very nice things to my body but as it is, the only results are baggy clothes and a shrinking frame.  Gavin is worried about my lack of eating and the amount of time I spend working out but I can’t stop and I’m not hungry so there is really nothing to be done about it. 

He
’s afraid to leave me alone at night because of the nightmares.  So now I’m taking a toll on his social life.  Just one more thing for me to feel guilty about.  Inevitably if he does go out, I have a nightmare and then he feels guilty.   We are a pretty pair.  Gavin tries to get me out of the house but after the last time, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

One
afternoon while Ian is in a meeting, I get a delivery of flowers.  I smile and silently thank Gavin for trying to brighten my day.  They are the most gorgeous purple hyacinths mixed with red roses.  The bouquet is enormous and it fills the office with the most beautiful scent.  There’s no card but buried deep in the stems I see an envelope.  Recognizing the script on the outside, I open it carefully not sure if my heart can handle what is inside.

Celeste,

I hope you will enjoy the flowers and that you will not throw them away because they are from me.  They represent things that I am either unable or incapable of saying. 
I wish we could talk all this through but I know there is probably nothing I could say.  I only hope that you will read through this letter; though I shouldn’t ask anything of you.  I desperately wish we could speak, honestly with each other instead of the way things have been for the last few weeks.  Seeing you each day is almost becoming more than I can bear.  But I will bear it because at least I can see you.  After everything, I will understand if you don’t want to listen to me.  I hope these words can help you understand the things I can’t say.

Tears spill from my eyes.  I want to stop reading and throw all of this away.  I can’t go back.  I can’t be someone that he uses.  I won’t go back
there
again.  His words cut me; I thought I knew what pain was, the last few weeks but this is a whole new level of pain.  Oh, if only I had time to go for a run.  I should take some time and get out of the office for the afternoon.  Even if I stop now, I’ll still have to face him after reading the first part of the letter.  He did all this yet is engaged to her.  How can he be so cruel?  I place the letter and flowers on the desk as I pace the office trying to decide what to do.  Curiosity wins out and I pick the letter back up and continue reading.  With the words from Maroon 5’s
Misery
, he’s perfectly captured the hell I’ve been living in these last few weeks.  Is it possible that he’s been living in the same hell as me?  I continue with the letter, hope bubbles up inside me despite the fact that I’m working so hard to keep it pushed down where it belongs.

I know listening to me is the last thing you want to do but I want you
to know that when you are ready I’ll be here, waiting.  I’ll always be waiting.  I need you.

Yours,

I.P.J.

Once I’m finally able to pick my heart up off the floor, I try to control my emotions.  He would use my favorite band’s words against me.  I can’t help but smile though at the fact that he remembered but that just makes me cry harder.  Maybe we should talk about this.  God, Gavin will think I’m such a fool to open myself up to him again after everything.  Shit, I probably am a fool for even considering it.  But why would he go to such lengths if he really didn’t want to discuss it?  If he really didn’t have some kind of feelings for me?  Then again maybe this is just another ploy and he’s with Rebecca but needs something on the side.

I go into the office bathroom to try to compose myself when I hear the door open. 
He’s back from his meeting but I can’t let him see me like this.  He’ll know I got the flowers because they’re sitting on my desk.  He’ll know I got the letter because it is lying on the floor where I dropped it to run in here.  But there is no way I can face him right now.  I have no defenses; I’m weak.  Seeing him will only cause me to break down further.  My heart can’t handle any more.

Ian
’s on the phone when I come out of the bathroom, his voice low.   But I can still overhear the conversation.  I try to tune him out because I’m no longer supposed to care but I can’t. 

“I understand but I think this will be for the best.
 
No, the move will be a good one for you.”  The broken bits of his conversation fill the room.  “I know but I can’t; look what has happened because of it.”  He raises his voice as he continues.  “No, I get that you don’t care about that because you’re clearly fucked in the head.  I understand that you feel I’m being cruel but I can’t have you meddling in life and relationships anymore.”  With that he hangs up the phone, his posture is that of a man who has been trampled.  He looks like all the life has been pulled from him. 

When he sees the letter crumpled on the floor, his countenance falls further.
  His knees weaken and for a moment I think he will collapse.  He reaches down and collects the paper from the floor.  I can tell by his face that he thinks I discarded it without reading it.  I’ve been so busy wallowing in my own misery that I have completely missed seeing how Ian’s feeling. The snarky voice is back and berating me because I didn’t care about how he felt because he trampled my feelings and I could only hope that someday he would feel the same pain.  The urge to comfort him is becoming too much to bear.  “Ian, I…” But I don’t know what to say.  I want to talk with him but I don’t know how to get to a point where I can listen to his explanations.  I simply can’t see how he could explain any of this away or maybe that isn’t what he wants to do.  I feel like I’m being pulled by both arms and if one side doesn’t give up soon I’ll be ripped in half. “Thank you for the flowers and the letter.”  I say because that’s all I can manage.

His eyes are bitter.  I can tell this hasn’t been easy for him but none of this was my doing. 
He walks over to me shaking his head; he keeps his voice low.  “Are you dating that guy I saw you with at the club?”  The first words we’ve spoken about our shattered relationship and this is what he wants to talk about.  Is he really going there with me? 

“So can I ask you if you
’re still fucking that girl from the club?  Or have you decided to finally limit your activity to just your fiancée?” I spit the words at him.  I can see talking is going to get us nowhere. 

A small smile creeps across his face.  “That doesn’t really a
nswer my question.” 

“I really d
on’t want to fight with you.  I just wanted you to know I received your gift and read your letter.  I understand that you need to talk with me but it is obvious that you aren’t in the right frame of mind to have this conversation now.”

“Celeste, I need you to
listen to me but you’ve made it plain and clear that you don’t want to do that.  So are you going to answer my question about that guy?  I’ll admit I was surprised to see you out with someone so soon after everything that happened with us.”

Biting back the hateful words that I want to scream at him, I say, “
I wasn’t even dating him that night at the club; I was there with Gavin.  He planned a day of fun to get my mind off things and that night at the club we ran into the instructor from our morning yoga class.  Nothing more.  I danced and had a couple drinks with him and since it’s apparent you had more than enough people to keep you company I wouldn’t have thought you begrudge me some.”  The pain is evident on his face but the tears have started to flow again from my eyes and I’m powerless to stop them.  “I danced and had a couple drinks with a man.  I told him that I couldn’t have anything more than friendship with him because my heart is still very much not my own and until I get it back completely, I have no business dating.  But you…” I can’t continue; the pictures from that night are still perfectly clear in my head and the pain is too much to bear.  “I can’t even close my eyes to escape the pain in my chest because I only see you and her or you and Rebecca.  Were there any others besides them while we were together?”  I don’t know why I ask because if he answers, I’m sure it’ll only further devastate me.