Out of the Ashes (28 page)

“Yeah, thanks Gavin,” I say once I can make my mouth work again.  “I slept just fine.  Marlene, I’m so sorry that my
friend
is so crude.  I’ll think twice before I bring him along on future visits.” 

“Oh, pish, dear.  I
’m glad to hear that you and Ian get along so well in so many ways.” 

This woman, she never fails to shock me.  “On that note, I think it
’s time for a swim.”

“But, Celeste, you haven’t even finished your breakfast.”  I turn to find Ian right behind me.  Oh, I hope he didn
’t hear that whole exchange; he’ll be furious with Gavin if he did. 

“Um, I
’ll finish it in a minute.  I’m just a little warm and thought I would cool off a bit first.”  I say the last part through gritted teeth at Gavin.  He just waves at me and smiles.  Asshat! 

“What the hell is that?”  Ian screeches as I
pull off my cover up. 

“I told you I got a new bikini to bring this weekend.  You don’t like it?”  I
’m pouting; I thought he would really enjoy looking at me in this.  The salesman barely had words when I stepped out of the dressing room to model it for Gavin.  Ian’s eyes look like they’re about to fall out of his head. 

“That
’s the most indecent, stunning thing I’ve ever seen.  I want to make you cover up because there’s so little there but at the same time I don’t want to deprive myself of the view. You are killing me, Celeste.  I’m so glad it’s just family here this weekend.  I don’t think I could handle you wearing that in public ever.” I gave him a little shake of my ass and walked down the steps into the pool.

“Yeah, Gav said you probably wouldn’t let me wear it out after the reaction I got from the salesman.”

Ian’s eyes harden for a moment and I realize I’ve pressed a button that’s much better left alone.  “You let some other man see you in that.  What did he do?” 

I pull myself out of the pool by the edge and walk over to my brooding god.  “Ian,” I press my body against him soaking his shirt, “it was nothing; he just happened to come by to see if we needed anything else when I stepped out of the dressing room.  I’m sorry but you must know that I
’m yours, only yours.”  He presses his lips to mine and then his tongue is plunging into my mouth, his arms tightening around my waist.  His hands begin a downward course when we hear several people clear their throats uncomfortably.  I don’t know how but I completely forgot there was anyone else around.  “Oh, I’m sorry everyone.”  The redness creeping into my cheeks and flushing my whole body.  “I kind of forget where I am when he does stuff like that.”

“I
completely understand but now I fear we’re all in need of a dip in cold water.”  Gavin laughs at me as Ian leans down to nibble my neck. 

“
Angel, I always wondered if that blush covered your whole body and now I guess I know.”

“Ian, stop it.”  I say playfully smacking him on the arm.  “Your mother
’s right there.”

“Celeste, as inappropriate as it is, I don’t think my mother would stop me if I decided to take you right here and now.  She would just pull Claire and Gavin into the house.  She is desperate for grandchildren.”  The
panty-dropping smile is back and my insides are melting. 

“Well,” I muster the most serious tone I
can; “I hope you have explained to her that we aren’t making any grandchildren with our extra curricular activities.  There are several steps that we have to take before I’d even consider that.” 

His face pales slightly before he recovers himself.  “Celeste, you do want children someday don’t you?” 
Whoa, when did this conversation turn so serious? 

“Of course, I do.  I
’m just not sure I’m ready right now and call me old fashioned but I am not married.  I would prefer to have babies with my husband.  Maybe in a few years when I’m married and a little more settled.”  Everyone must have sensed the change in our conversation as when I look around they’re all at the far end of the pool giving Ian and I our privacy. 

“No, I completely understand that Celeste.  I was just hoping you weren’t going to tell me that you didn’t want
children at all.  Because while I would give up anything to be with you, even that, I must admit I have pictured what it would be like when your belly is swollen with my baby and then later with us running around after all of them.”  Holy shit!  Did he just say he pictured me pregnant and us having babies together?  He hasn’t even told me he loves me yet.

My head is spinning a little with all this new information.  “Ian, I need to sit down.”

“Love, is everything all right?”

I don’t know what to say to that.  I haven
’t really thought a lot about children.  I guess I figured I would cross that bridge when I came to it.  But there are so many things to worry about when considering it.  What kind of mother would I be?  I’m on the run from my past and my experience with mothers isn’t a very good example.  What if I end up like her, like my mother?  “Ian, I’m sorry.  This is all just a bit much for me all of a sudden.  I had no idea that you thought…  Well to be honest, I’ve never thought about children.  There was a time in my life when I’d decided that it would be better if I never had any but now…  I don’t know.  I think with you…  I feel like we’re getting ahead of ourselves.  How about if we’re still together in another year or so we talk about it?”

“Celeste, I know I’m not the most forthcoming with my feelings.  It
’s just difficult for me with my past…  But I thought I’d made it pretty clear how I feel about you and what I intend for our future.  I don’t plan on ever letting you go.  Sweetheart, you are my forever.”  I pull his lips to mine.  This man is so perfect; I can only pray he’ll feel the same when he knows the truth.

Later that afternoon, I
’m in the pool with Gavin, sipping on a gin and tonic with a slice of cucumber.  “Celeste, you know I would do anything for you right?”  What’s the deal with the heartfelt conversations today? 

“Yeah Gav.  As I would for you.  But what’s this all about?”

“He loves you and it’s not just the bikini.”  He winks at me.  “Though since you took off your dress the man hasn’t been able to go more than ten seconds without looking at you.  But I’m worried for you.  I just want to know that you’ll be okay after everything else you’ve been through.”

“Gav, I’
m working on being okay and for the first time I actually feel like I will be.  I’m still nervous and know I need to tell Ian but I can’t right now.  I just need to wait for the right time.”

“Well,
babe, just in case the right time never presents itself, don’t wait too long.  He needs to know.  I doubt his reaction will be what you are expecting.”

Sunday arrive
s and I’m saddened to go.  The weekend was the perfect retreat and just what we needed to get us back on track.  We spent our time talking, laughing and plenty of time between the sheets and a few other places.  As we say our goodbyes, I hug Claire; we have become so close over this weekend.  “Now you must come stay in the city during winter break.  We will go shopping and hit some clubs.  Gavin has lots of friends that would love to meet you and no, not all of them are gay.”  Claire and I laugh at this but Ian’s face is anything but happy. 

“My
little
sister doesn’t need to be dating but I agree she should stay in the city and spend some time with us.” 

Claire’s face twists up in anger, “Ian, you know I
’m not saving myself for marriage right and I’ve had plenty of dates.”  He looks ready to interrupt her but Claire just raises her hand to him.  Turning to me she smiles, “Celeste, this has been the best weekend.  And yes, I would love to come stay in the city for some time shopping and clubbing even if my overbearing brother has to be there.”  She sticks her tongue out at him and then we all burst into laughter.

Marlene and Gavin walk in and I can tell they have been in deep conversation.  I give Gavin an inquisitive look but he just shrugs me off.  What were they talking about for so long?  By the way they
’re both looking at me; I can guess I must have had something to do with it.  I’ll have to remember to ask Gavin about it later.

After thanking Marlene for the weekend and hugging everyone again, we make our way to the Audi. 
“Thank you again for this.”  I say as I lean over and wrap my arms around his neck. 

“No, sweetheart, thank you. 
Thank you for giving me this back.”  He runs his hand down my cheek and stops at my chest, right over my heart.

I would have never imagined this for my life.  There was a time when I no longer had any dreams for my life. 
Now all my dreams are focused on this man and our future.

An anniversary I would rather forget approaches, not only that but it’s my birthday too.  I can’t help but feel some trepidation as my birthday approaches.  There are too many memories on this day. While not as bad as when Ian and I were apart, the nightmares still plague me.  I’m getting afraid to stay over with Ian in case I have one.  There’s no way I can explain that to him.  After several nights of refusing to stay and not allowing him to stay over, I can tell that Ian is becoming wary of my excuses.  “Celeste, I need to fall asleep with you in my arms and wake the same way.  If it weren’t for Rebecca, I would be asking you to move in with me right now.”  My mouth falls open in shock.  “Calm down, as it is you aren’t ready for that… Yet! But I can’t take any more of these nights apart.  I don’t care if its here or the apartment but I’m staying with you tonight.”

So in spite of my better
judgment, I agree to stay over at the apartment with him.  Ian prepares a romantic dinner for the two of us and we curl up on the couch to watch a movie.  Needless to say, I don’t remember much of the movie and I’m pretty sure we moved into the bedroom before it even ended.  He poured his love into me and washed my body in it.  I fell asleep in the comfort of his arms.

Hard hands grasp my waist and tangle in my hair.  For him the
se are not acts of pleasure, he feeds on my pain.  It’s the only thing that brings him joy.  He kicks my legs apart, binding my hands.  “I know you want this so stop your whining, bitch.  We both already know what a whore you are.”  He kneels between my legs wrapping his hand tighter in my hair.  “I saw you today you know.  With that man.  Did you think I wouldn’t find out what you were doing?  How did you think you could hide it from me?”  “Please,” I cry out.  “He’s my lab partner.  We met to go over our final project for next week.  I wasn’t doing anything.  Please, you’re hurting me.”  He’s pulling my hair so hard now that I’m sure my scalp is bleeding.  He begins to pound into me unrelenting.  The tears flow but he’s unmoved by them.  In fact, the more I cry and the louder I cry the more pleasure he receives.  He grunts and spills himself inside me.  Before standing and kicking me hard in the stomach.  “Remember that next time you decide to whore yourself out.  Now clean up.  I need you downstairs in 15 minutes to greet the guests.  “Oh and baby?  If you make me wait longer, you can expect I won’t be this kind to you later.”

“Shit Celeste, wake up.”  Ian is shaking me, terror in his eyes.  “Sweetheart,
you’re drenched; are you all right?”  Sweat soaks my hair and it’s matted to my face.  My whole body is quivering as I try to bring my mind back from where my nightmares have taken me.  “Love, talk to me.  You were crying in your sleep; whimpering like you were in pain.  Will you please talk to me about it?” 

“It was just a nightmare.  I really don’t even remember what it was about.”  I curl into his body and lay my head on his shoulder hoping he buys what I
’m selling.  Soon his chest begins a rhythmic rise and fall and he is asleep.  There will be no more sleep for me tonight but I’m content with his arms around me and my face buried in his neck.

Unfortunately there’s no way to stop time and so today is my birthday.
I share this day with Lauren, Lauren’s death and Lauren’s father’s death.  Yes, happy birthday to me.  Gavin knows that today is my birthday but I don’t mention it to Ian.  For obvious reasons, it isn’t a day I choose to celebrate.  I would rather wipe the day from the calendar but without fail every year it comes around again.  There was a time when I looked forward to this day with great joy.  I’ve had some very happy birthdays in the past.  I just don’t see how I can ever have any in the future.

“Celeste, I need you in here now.”  Ian’s tone is stern and I begin to wonder what could be going on.  Did I forget a page in the prospectus he
’s working on?  Did I invert a number on the project budget?  My brain has been off lately so I wouldn’t put anything past me. Probably should have called off work today instead of trying to muddle through with only half of my senses. But I’ve been very careful to double and triple check my work knowing my head is not in the game.  “What do you mean by this?” he says as he throws a piece of paper on his desk.  “I can’t believe you didn’t say anything to me.  Were you ever going to tell me?”  His voice seems truly angry now and all I can think is that somehow he found out.  Dear god, how much does he know?  Does he know about Lauren?  Does he know about
him
?  My face pales as he continues to stare at me from behind his desk.

I
’m shaking now and rather than confronting the issue right in front of me, I retreat into myself.  Not meeting his gaze, I decide to play dumb.  “Ian, I’m not sure what you are talking about?  I haven’t kept anything from you.”