Out of the Ashes (25 page)

“Dammit Celeste, you
’re ripping my fucking heart out here.  We obviously need to talk about everything.  Please just give me one night but you have to trust what I’m telling you.”

“I don’t know if I can do that.  I can listen to you talk until you
’re blue in the face but you can’t undo the things I’ve seen with my own eyes and heard with my own ears.  How do I know that your excuses aren’t just that?  How can I ever trust you to be truthful with me when you’re keeping things from me?”  The last words ring bitter in my soul.  He and I are no different. 

He continues to say that things aren’t as they appear
, and who but I should know the very meaning of those words.  I want to give him a chance to explain but at that same time, I want to protect that last piece of my heart that hasn’t turned to dust at his feet.  His expression is so pained and the yearning in his eyes completely breaks my spirit.  I step closer and place my arms around his neck.  At least if this is it, I can take the memory of his smell and his hard body pressed against mine with me.  He places a finger under my chin and tips my face up so I am looking in his eyes.

Pushing a loose strand of hair behind my ear, he says, “You’re not taking care of yourself. 
You’ve lost a lot of weight when you didn’t have any lose.  I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused.  I wish I could take it all away, take it all back.  I just want to make this right.  I need you.”  His eyes bore into mine. “I don’t know how to make you understand.  I had something once and thought that my life was exactly how it should be.  Then it was stolen from me and I’ve spent years trying to find myself in the mess.” 

His words ring truer for me than he
’ll ever know.  “No, Ian, I completely understand that.  What I don’t understand is how you could string
me
along while you were with her or maybe this is all some sort of twisted game to you.  I knew before all this started that you liked women, many different women.  I just thought…  I don’t know.  This is all too messed up.  You might be able to explain about Rebecca but that won’t make it any better.  And that night at the club, there’s no explaining that away.  I saw you and you know I did because you saw me too.”

“Please
, I was such a fool; I just need a chance to explain.”  I don’t know if I can; but a part of me, the heart shaped hole in my chest, wants to try.  I walk over and lift his phone. 

“Danielle, please hold all of Mr. Jacobs’ c
alls and mine until after the 4:00 p.m. meeting.  Also if you could please ring me and have Connor escort the team to the conference room when they arrive.”  She isn’t my biggest fan but she does recognize that I’m in a position of authority and does as I ask.  I turn back to Ian, whose eyes now hold a look of hope.  Could I have been so wrong? 

“I will agree to listen and talk with you tonight but first you need to listen to me.  I w
on’t play games with my heart, Ian,” I hold my chest, “and I won’t be made a fool of or used as your personal play thing.  You think you’re the only one who has had a mess made of their life; well, that’s where you’re very wrong.  I’ve already been someone’s toy to use when and how they see fit and I will not do it again.  So if that’s what you’re looking for walk away now.”  I’ve said too much and opened doors that are better left closed but he needs to know that my tolerance will only go so far.

“Just give me a moment.”  He says and walks over to his des
k and picks up the phone.  After a few moments I hear, “Tom, yeah.  Could we postpone today’s meeting?  I know, I know.  Yeah, let me just check.”  Turning to me, “What does my Wednesday afternoon look like?” 

Quickly I check his calendar,
“You are open from 3:00 p.m. on but remember you need to block out some time this week to look over the new proposal for the new development in Portland.” 

“Is there time clear on Thursday and Friday for that?” 

“Yes,” I tell him.  “You have a three hour block open Thursday afternoon and most of Friday morning is clear except for the conference call at 7:30 a.m.” 

“Perfect.  Yeah
, Tom.  No, that will work.  Everything is cleared up.  This will give you some extra time to look at that additional space.  Yes, I really want it.  No personal.  Just let me know what they’re asking.  No, I would pay triple what we did for the others but don’t tell them that.  Yes, I want it that bad.  Great.  Thanks, Tom.  Yes, see you Wednesday at 3:00 p.m.”

“What was that all about?” 
He turns back to me and takes my hand leading me to the door into the apartment. “I want to purchase some additional space in the warehouse district.  Tom’s working on it for me.” I sit down on the sofa and turn toward him as he sits.  “Now that that’s taken care of, back to the matter at hand.  I have the rest of the night free so you and I can talk.  I need you to be patient with me; I really don’t know where to begin or if you will even understand once I have explained but I need the chance to tell you everything.”  I almost choke on his last words.  Everything, would I ever be able to give him that?  How can I ask him to give me this and willingly take it from him when I’m not willing to do the same for him? 

“Why would you cancel your meeting?  We can talk after surely.”

“Not cancelled, just postponed.  We need time.”  He swallows hard and I can tell this is difficult for him.  “I don’t know how to say it other than to just come right out with it.  Rebecca and I were engaged.” 

The question bubbles to my lips and I don’t want to interrupt but I can’t hold it back. 
“Were?  She made it sound…”  I let the thought trail off, wondering how I could be so foolish as to believe anything that she would tell me.  But that still leaves me with another question.  “When?”  My face reflects the real question.  Did you just break it off with her to be with me?

“No, no
love.  This was years ago.  We got engaged our senior year of college.  She was everything I thought I wanted.” 

“Ian
, this isn’t exactly helping.” 

“Just hear me out.  I had planned my life out with her.  Saw my entire future when I looked at her.  We were going to get married the summer after but then my father had his heart attack and suddenly I was expected to run the company.  I felt horrible but I had to ask her to postpone the wedding.  I
’d already started working on my real estate development portfolio and after a few months, I had to go out of town for a couple weeks to oversee the final build on a project in Italy.  It was difficult given that she was unhappy about delaying the wedding and all the time I was spending away from her.  I was able to get finished a little more quickly than anticipated and flew home early to surprise her.”  His face-hardens at the memory.  “But I was the one who got the surprise.”  He pauses again and swallows hard.  I can see talking about this is really difficult for him and am concerned with what feelings he may still harbor for her.  “I found her in our bed with Patrick.  She tried to play it off as a one-time mistake, not that I really could have forgiven her for even that.  She said she wanted to work on things with me.  In reality, she and Patrick had been sleeping together for several months and continued to do so even after she said she wanted to make things right for us.  I broke things off with her and tried to move on.” 

H
e completely understands what I was saying earlier about not wanting to be used as a plaything, being strung along and used.  “As you probably already know, that trying is what landed me in page six almost every week with a different woman.  I wasn’t sleeping with all of them but still the papers had a field day with it.”  I want to ask him how many of them he did sleep with but really is that important?  “Last year, Rebecca came to me for help; it was the first time I’d talked to her in over 4 years. There’s no way she would’ve come to me if she weren’t in dire need especially after the things that were said when I threw her out.  She explained that Patrick had left her with nothing and she didn’t have a job.  I wasn’t about to be her shoulder to cry on for what had happened to her.  At the same time, I had spent five years of my life with the woman.  So after several days of deliberation, I offered her a position here.  She’s good at what she does and promised that things between us would be completely professional.  She understood that the only thing I wanted with her was a professional relationship.  Given that she was in charge of HR, we did have to work together quite often and given our shared history, we naturally grew into a sort of friendship.  I mean I didn’t really spend time with her outside of work and work related functions but we were comfortable with one another.” 

“Ian, was it only friendship that you felt for her?  Or do you still have deeper feelings for her?”
 

He places his hand on my thigh and I feel the electricity that has always been between us
shooting through me.  “Celeste, I thought I loved her.  I thought she was everything I needed then.  I see now how wrong I was.  What I feel for you…  These weeks without you, I haven’t been able to function.  I can’t eat, sleep and have no desire except for it to be time to come to work so that I can see you again.”  I gasp at his confession.  I didn’t think he could possibly understand what he put me through but he’s been experiencing the same thing.

“
A couple of months ago, I started noticing changes in her behavior toward me.  I tried to play it off and ignore it.  Then you walked into the lobby after we spent the night together.  I’d already planned to get in touch with you that day because well, I told you that night that once would never be enough.”  His heated gaze sends a current straight through me.  He pauses to give me a moment to digest.  “When I wanted to change everything around for you, Rebecca was immediately suspicious of my motives and I knew when she found out I was interested in you, she’d be jealous.  I calmly told her that my motives were none of her damn business.  When she showed up in London, I knew there was no way she was going to leave us alone despite trying to explain to her several times that her and I were over and there would never be anything more between us.  Then that Thursday she walked into the office and my whole world was destroyed again by her.”  I slide closer to him taking his hand in mine.  There’s no doubt in my mind that what he’s saying is the truth but there are still things that don’t make sense. 

“Why were you secretly seeing her then?”

“Celeste, you don’t understand. I’ve been working to get rid of her.  She won’t search out any other opportunities on her own so I began to look for them for her.  I have a colleague at Morton Meyers and he told me that they’re looking for a new HR director.  I knew it would be a perfect fit for her so I’ve been talking with them off and on since London.  The day she came in here was her first meeting with them.  And my meeting today was to finalize the move.  She will be joining them in two weeks and until then she will be working with her replacement.”  He got rid of her. 

My heart stops.  “Ian, I would never ask…” 

“Oh, I know you wouldn’t.  But she would do everything she could to wedge her way between us.  And frankly it just isn’t working having her here.  She’s too focused on keeping us apart and not on her job.”  Yes, from our little conversation in the lobby that day, I know.  And based on the last few weeks, I would say she succeeded in coming between us.  “So there’s no longer any place for her here.” 

I don’t know what to say;
I want to jump in his lap and kiss him but I’m not sure he would accept me.  By leaving and not allowing him to explain, I’ve really hurt him; I can see the brokenness in him. 

“Ian, I just don’t understand how or why Patrick would do that to you. 
Rebecca, not trying to be petty here, but I can understand that just from my few encounters with her.  Patrick, though, really seems like a nice guy.” 

Ian runs his hands through his hair, his frustration clear.  “Celeste, I told you the first time you met him to stay away from him and I meant it.  I’m sure Patrick can seem nice and charming even.  The problem is if I have something, Patrick wants it.  He pursued Rebecca until we were at a weak point in our relationship and then he took advantage of that weakness.  And Rebecca w
asn’t the first.”  Ian’s eyes are sad and his posture is defeated.  “Patrick’s been like this since we were young.  My grandfather left the company to both my father and his mother but she wanted no part of it.  So my father bought out her share.  I guess Patrick always looked at it like we had taken what was his.  So in turn he would do the same to me.  The saddest part of all of this is if our lives hadn’t been what they are, I would have loved to have him here working with me.” 

I place my hand over his. 
So much hurt and pain in his features, but at the same time even with all of this explained, there is still what happened at the club.  I can’t reconcile what he just said with what he did then.  “Then why, Ian?  Why were with that woman at the club?” 

He leans forward and brushes a piece of hair back out of my face.  “I didn’t get to tell you how beautiful you looked in the dress my mother made for you.” 
I feel the tears well up in me again.  I missed so much with Ian because of Rebecca.  I vow right here and now that I won’t let it happen again.  I will not give him up without a fight and I will not run again without talking to him first.  That’s what most of this boils down to; I need to stop running. 

Bringing my focus back to Ian, I say,
“You’re still avoiding my question.  But I do want you to know that I’m sorry, sorry for running, sorry for the time we lost.”