Out of the Ashes (21 page)

“God damn it,
Rebecca.” I hear Ian shout at her as I head to elevators as quickly as possible.  Willing the doors to open, I hear his footsteps coming through the doorway toward me.  “Celeste, please.”  His eyes plead with me.  I look away or I’ll be lost in them.  “Please we need to talk; you need to let me explain.” 

Anger course
s through me.  “Explain what, Ian?  How you used me?  Or maybe how you lied when you said there was nothing between the two of you?  Were you fucking us both this whole time?  I should’ve known when she was in London.  I shouldn’t have let it slide when I interrupted your conversation at the ball that night.  But dammit, I was falling so hard for you; I didn’t want to see what was clearly right in front of me.  This was exactly what I feared but I didn’t want to believe that you really were that kind of man.”  I can’t stop the tears that stream from my eyes.  “Enjoy your dinner.  Too bad you’ll only have her to fuck afterward.”  I spit back at him.  I don’t want him to see how much he’s broken me. 

“Celeste, please,
love, it is not like that.  Just come back so we can talk.” 

“I just can’t imagine what you could have to say that wou
ld change anything.” I step onto the waiting elevator and the doors close; I know without a doubt that the moments we shared tonight are the last we’ll ever have.

Gavin isn’t at the apartment when I arrive home and for once I’m glad about that.  I wouldn’t want him to see me like this and I’m definitely not ready to talk about what happened with Ian.  He’s called me several times since I left the office but I just sent him to voicemail and then deleted the voicemails without listening to them.  I don’t want to hear it from him not now, not ever.  I realize I’m being a hypocrite for holding his lies against him while I still harbor my own secrets. But I haven’t been out fucking other men while professing to want only him.  It’s that lie that has rocked me to my core and broken my heart.  I let the tears and sadness come; I almost welcome them.  I finally cry for what could have been before Lauren’s death, for the girl I was, but mostly I cry for the future I could have had, should have had with Ian.

~

A hand clamps down over my mouth.  For a moment it feels familiar, almost like the touch of a lover but then the hand tightens and another snakes around my neck.  I look up into the eyes of the man I once trusted with everything, gave my heart and soul to, and wanted to spend my life with.  His eyes are cold and hard; I can no longer see any love there.  Did he ever love me at all?  His grip tightens further and his smile grows larger as I struggle against him.  “You know I love it when you fight me baby?  It makes me so hard.  Do you feel that?”  He presses himself against me.  “Maybe if you show me what a good little whore you can be I won’t have to do this after all.”  Freeing himself, he pushes me down in front of him and thrusts himself into my mouth as I gasp for the air that he was depriving me of.  “Oh, I knew you could be good if I gave you some perspective.  You are mine and I won’t let you go.  If you ever try to leave, I’ll search relentlessly and I will find you.  When I do things will be that much worse for you.  Your father had it easy; car crash, quick and easy.  Things will never be that easy for you, if you ever think about leaving me again.  I will make it slow.  You’ll beg me to kill you before I’ve finished with you.  Do you understand me bitch?”

I wake up screaming to a frantic voice trying to calm me. “Don’t, don’t touch me.  Get away.”  I push on him; I need him away from me. 

“Calm down, Celeste.  It’s me; it’s Gavin.  Let me help you.  Oh god, what can I do?  Should I call Ian for you?”  Slowly coming out of the fog, I realize I’m in my bed with Gavin wrapped around my flailing body.  “Shit! I thought you were really going to hurt yourself there for awhile.”  He says giving me a little more space. 

“What the hell is going on?  You haven’t had a nightmare in
forever.  At least not like that.  When I first walked in, it looked like you couldn’t breathe.  I was trying to wake you but you wouldn’t wake up.  You have me really fucking scared here.”

“Oh Gavin,” I throw my arms around him.  Not only do I have to deal with the loss of Ian but to top it off, the nightmares have returned with a vengeance.  “I’m so sorry to have scared you.  It was just a nightmare; it’s over now.  I’m sorry to have woken you.” 
My chest is still wracked by sobs from the remnants of my nightmare.

“Dammit Celeste
, stop fucking apologizing to me.  I let this shit go when you had them after first moving in.  You seemed so broken when we first met, so sad.  But not this time, you’re going to fucking tell me what all this is about.  And don’t you dare even say that it was just a nightmare and you don’t remember.  You and I both fucking know that this goes way deeper than some fucking nightmares.” 

Looking at Gavin, I think about telling him. 
He’s angry and I don’t blame him but is his anger a good enough reason to share this with him?  What would it be like to not have to carry this secret any more?  To let someone into my trust completely?  There are so many questions and so many things that could go horribly wrong if he were to know.  Knowing that my sanity is teetering on the edge and if a light breeze blew I’d be sent toppling down. I take a deep breath and look at Gavin, spilling the whole story.  I tell him everything about the year leading up to Lauren’s death and then I continue and tell him how she died too.  When I finish several boxes of tissues later, Gavin pulls me into his chest and holds me.  “Shit Celeste, I had no idea.” 

“Gav
, how could you?  I understand if you don’t want me living here anymore.” 

“
Stop it right now.  There’s no way I want you anywhere but right here with me.  You only did what you had to do.  Don’t blame yourself for wanting to live.  You’re crazy if you think I would let you go anywhere.  I just can’t…  I mean… I always suspected something.  I could tell you were scared.  The way you always checked out everyone around us.  I knew it was way more than merely people watching.  And the nightmares…  I just never thought it was this bad.  Jesus, Celeste.  Have you ever talked with anyone about this?”  I shake my head no in silent response.  I should’ve gotten help right after I left but there was no way I could do that without the risk of being found.  There’s nothing left for me to say; I shared all I can so I continue to sit with Gavin and cry into his shoulder.

Somehow the next morning the sun still manages to rise.  I make a quick call to the office and let Danielle know that I’m not feeling well and won’t be in today. 
Not the furthest thing from the truth since I’m running on about 4 hours of sleep.  I figure that will give me until Monday to get something worked out.  Once I’m off the phone, I pull the covers back up over my head and try to go back to sleep but my thoughts are plagued by my god of a boss.  A few minutes after 8:00 a.m. Gavin peeks into my room.  “Hey darling, I thought you were still here.  No Mr. Hot Boss today?  Not to pry further, but have you told him what we talked about last night?”  And at that the water works start all over again.  I think about what should have been a beautiful weekend celebrating his mother’s birthday and everything else with Ian that will never be.  “Okay, I wasn’t trying to make you cry again.” 

“I’m sorry.  It’s just that Ian and I…
”  Everything that happened from seeing them step out of the car together the day I accepted the job right up to yesterday spills from my lips. 

“Fuck.  That bastard.”  Gavin is fuming.  “I should
’ve never let you get into that car with him that first night.” 

How can I explain to him that I wanted Ian long before that?  “Gav, this isn
’t your fault.  You did warn me and, as you also said, I read page six just as thoroughly as you.  I know his reputation.  I just fell a lot further than I ever thought I would with anyone.” 

He spends what seems like a lifetime comforting me. 
“Well babe, there’s only one cure for a broken heart and I’m afraid you are not going to like it…  Actually I think this particular remedy may have several parts.” I can tell from his smile that I’m either going to really enjoy whatever he’s about to say or be really shocked.  “It starts first with a yoga class this morning, where we just happen to have the hottest new instructor.  I mean he’s truly delicious.  I was saving him for myself but I can share the eye candy.  Then we head to the spa for some pampering.  I’ll have mother pull some strings.  Once we’re plucked and rubbed within an inch of our lives, we’ll get fabulously dressed and have a wonderful dinner followed by clubbing until that little ass of yours falls off.  Then tomorrow night I have the best surprise for you as Ian is not the only one who ‘earned’ an invite to Marlene’s fabulous birthday bash.  You forget whom I work with and how much that woman loves me.  She already told me about the whole weekend and you know what I say, I say we go to that party and you hold your head up and show that bastard exactly what he’ll be missing without you.” 

“I knew there was a reason you were my best friend.
  But I’m not sure I’m ready to see him yet.  And I don’t know that it would be appropriate to attend his mother’s birthday since we’re no longer together.” 

“
Darling, I’m allowed a plus one and there’s no one I would like to take with me besides you.  Every other man there will be green with envy.  And besides what are friends for if they can’t get you drunk and take you dancing?  Oh and you know the saying the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” 

“
I’m pretty sure that won’t be happening but all the rest of it sounds like a perfect distraction.  And then tomorrow, well we can play that by ear, okay? Or do you need to call Marlene to change your RSVP?” 

“Sure thing
.  No, I already told Marlene I was attending and I’m sure she was expecting you at least until yesterday.  So when we both show up, because I’m dragging your butt out to that party, we’ll definitely be expected.”  I kiss him on the cheek and head into the closet to get changed for the gym.

As yoga class wraps up, I
’m thoroughly thankful to Gavin for dragging me out this morning.  It’s just what I need.  I grab my water bottle to get a drink before heading off to the showers when Mr. Hot Instructor approaches me.  “I’m glad you could join us today.  Will you be coming to class from now on?” 

“Oh no
, I’m not a member; my friend,” I gesture over to Gavin, “gets me guest passes sometimes and drags me to yoga with him.”  I try to smile and sound light hearted when I feel anything but. 

“I see
. So I won’t get to see more of you here then.”  He gives me a once over from head to toe.  “He drags you here, huh?  That’s surprising because your moves are very fluid and your flexibility is amazing.” 

I blush, “Well thank
you.  I didn’t mean that I don’t enjoy it; just that working out in a class is not really my thing.  But I do enjoy yoga.  I feel like I’m pushing my body to its limits.” 

“You obviously work out though, so if you’re not into classes what do you do?” 

“I prefer running.  I can slip in my ear buds, get lost in the music and pound the pavement.  It’s solitary but rejuvenating.”  I can’t help but smile when I think about it.  I don’t really run for the exercise, that’s just a nice side effect, but more for the freedom I feel. And the solitude, the time alone with my thoughts has always been therapeutic for me.

“
Since I can’t depend on seeing you here again, maybe we can go for dinner?” 

Wow he doesn’t waste any time, does he?  “I don’t know.  It might not be the best time…” 

“I just want to get to know you better.”  Thinking it through, I don’t want to go out alone with a complete stranger.  I realize that’s the point of a first date but how do I know he’s not a serial killer or something.

Going for the lesser of all evils
, “Well, Gav and I are planning to go to Webster Hall tonight if you would like to meet us there.  We should get there around 10:00 p.m.”  He says he’ll definitely find me there and we exchange numbers. 

“No fair!
” Gavin pouts and threatens to call off the spa trip.  “I saw him first.  Why do you have to steal all the good ones?  First Mr. Hot Boss and now Mr. Hot Instructor.”  I glare at him.  “Okay bad choice of words, why do you steal all the hot ones?  Is that better?” 

“Much, I thought I was going to have to beat your ass right here on the street.”  I’m smiling at him now.  “Now you must take me to the spa to make it up to me.”
 

The spa is just what I need to relax before we head to dinner. 
Gavin got us reservations at Masa.  I guess between his mother and his modeling he really knows people.  The restaurant is very intimate and I feel a small pang of sadness for the loss of Ian.  Once they start bringing the sushi, I decide to shake off my mood and have a good time.  After our leisurely dinner and a few glasses of sake, we head over to Webster Hall.

Hitting the VIP line
, I give Gavin a look that says what the hell are we doing.  “Don’t worry babe, I got this.” 

I look up at the bouncer and see Brett smiling over at Gavin.  “Change of scenery?”  I ask him as he leads us through. 

“Yeah, it was time to change things up.  And this place is killer.  So enjoy.  Oh and Gavin, look me up before you leave we have some catching up to do.”