Pan's Salvation (16 page)

I need to get it together and make a decision.

Standing, she splashed water on her face and brushed her teeth. The woman looking back at her in the mirror looked worn out.
The honeymoon is over.
Thinking it would be smooth sailing after all she’d seen happen. The Dueling Devils weren’t as hardcore as Hell’s Minions, but they lived within the same life. You couldn’t stay on top without making enemies. There would always be someone lurking in the background. A crazy ex, an ex-member, or a rival club. She’d barely moved on from the shooting at the gas station and here she was—with new nightmares.

Is this worth it?

There were plenty of things left for her to work out, but one thing was evident, she couldn’t give up her apartment, not yet. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Pan, but the distance could bring clarity. When she was with him like this, she couldn’t think. He altered her perception of a drug that entered her veins and shut down her reasoning skills. The thought of his face when he came home to find her gone…stole her breath. He’d been so good to her.

Torn, she pushed away from the sink and stripped down. Perhaps a long, hot shower would give her time to come up with a plan she didn’t feel horrible about. Their time together ran in her mind like a moving picture. The minute she walked into the gas station the first domino had fallen and triggered an epic chain reaction. Ever since the fallout, she’d been climbing her way out of the pits of grief while handing over her control and decision-making skills to Pan. Without him here, she was able to see how far off the tracks she’d driven

He couldn’t protect her from the problems his life caused.
But he’ll try.
Can anyone really
guarantee safety? We never know what’ll happen from one day to the next.
The war raging in her mind gave her a headache. She closed her eyes and held her face up to the warm spray. The water released the scent of sandalwood in the soap, which made her think of Pan.
What would
her leaving do to him?
She owed this man her very life.
But a relationship can’t be based on
that.
In the end, she had to walk away to know she was there for the right reasons. She stepped out of the shower, clean, but unrefreshed. It felt like she’d gone three rounds in the ring with a legend. She walked into the room she’d come to think of as
theirs
and sighed. She owed it to both of them to figure this out before they went any further.

I’m just putting space between the two of us and recovering control. I’m not going cold
turkey.

None of the valid thoughts made her feel any less of a coward. She slipped on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt then made a call.

“Hey girl, what’s going on?” Tanya’s friendly voice asked.

“I could really use some girl time.”

“Uh oh. Trouble in paradise?”

“I’m not sure.”

“How about we get together for lunch at, Penny’s?” Tanya asked.

“God, yes.”

“You want me to come get you, so that you can drink? It sounds like you could use a few rounds.”

“God, I’d love you forever.”

“Please, you couldn’t stop loving me if you tried.”

Lark laughed. “You’re right. You’re my forever love.”

“Just don’t tell, tall, tattooed and deadly. He doesn’t strike me as the sharing type.”

“You have no idea,” Lark mumbled.

“I’m still lounging in my jammies. Give me thirty minutes?”

“Perfect.” She hung up excited about spending time with her best friend. There was nothing like the presence of the person you trusted most to help you make the hardest decisions. She pulled her black duffle bag out of the closet, packed half her things and left the house before she could talk herself out of it.

Seated at a table in the back with a margarita and her best friend, Lark felt like she could finally breathe.

“You want to tell me what’s going on honey? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so…fulfilled until Pan. Now, you look like you’re running scared.”

“I don’t know if I can do this lifestyle. It’s a whole other world. We had a get together with everyone and it was—an eye-opening experiencing.”

“Did he do something that made you feel uncomfortable?” Tanya leaned forward. Her face

clouded over with concern.

“No. That’s why it’s so hard. He’s amazing. I mean, I couldn’t have dreamed up a better match. But the world he lives in is gritty and rough. There are basic certainties we take for granted that they can’t.” Lark sighed. “It’s a lot to take in.”

“So, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. Take a step back and make sure I’m with him for the right reason.”

“What would be the wrong reason, Lark? “

She cursed her inability to explain exactly how they met. “Distraction from what happened to Robin. Because I’ve become afraid to be alone. For any other reason than—love.”

“I’m sorry, what? When did love become a thing for you and him?”

“Yeah, it’s one of those things I also figured out this weekend, or I think I did. I mean…Is it love?” Lark frowned.

“What else would it be, babe?” Tanya pointed at her. “You’re not the type of person to

throw the
L
word around. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use it in reference to a man.”

“I know and that scares the piss out of me. What do we have in common that would keep us together for the long run? What’s the glue that’ll hold us together?” Lark took a gulp of her drink, savoring the lime flavor and sugar rim. The slushy drink soothed her dry throat.

“Well, what’s been keeping you there happy, content and fucking glowing?”

“Excellent sex, the way he looks at me like I’m his entire world. The way he cares for me like no one else has ever done in my whole life. I’m not used to being thought of that way. I’m the fixer, the rock. He allows me to be something more.”

“It sounds like he balances you out,” Tanya observed.

“Yes. He gets me. We’ve had similar life experiences as crazy as that sounds.” She laughed.

What were the odds I’d have anything in common with a biker?

“I wish you could see your face right now. He clearly makes you happy. I think the real choice you have to make is if he’s worth the sacrifices needed to live in his world. Can you live without him and be as happy as you are right now?”

At a loss for words, Lark shook her head. “I don’t even know how to figure that out. I’m trying to take a few steps away without completely destroying what we’ve worked so hard to build. Trust isn’t something that comes easy to either of us. I don’t want to completely break that.”

“Taking steps back, how?” Tanya furrowed her brow.

“Moving back into my own place.”

“Wait, you’ve been living with him?” Tanya whispered.

“More like…sleeping there.”

“Jesus, you guys moved at hyper speed. No wonder you’re having doubts,” Tanya

whispered.

“This isn’t like me. “

“No, but maybe that’s a good thing. Stepping out of your comfort zone and taking risks is a necessary thing. You’ve had the pause button pressed on your life for a long time. Pan doesn’t allow you to continue that pattern. By all means question yourself, but don’t let fear drive you.

Don’t cop out because you could end up missing out on something amazing. A once in a lifetime something too.”

As she considered Tanya’s words, the waiter returned with their meals. They moved to small talk as they ate. The normalcy went a long way. “What’s new with your life?”

“Nothing, that’s the problem,” Tanya replied sarcastically.

“What happened to Brian?”

“Ugh, he was boring, clingy and annoying.” Tanya rolled her eyes. “I’m thinking about just committing to being a lifelong bachelorette. If Clooney can do it, why can’t I?”

“You know I’m behind whatever decision you make.”

“I do know, that’s why you’re my favorite, Lark.” Tanya winked.

“I thought it was because I was pretty and witty.” Lark pouted.

“That too. But mainly, the support.”

They glanced at each other and burst into a fit of giggles.

“I’ve missed this,” Tanya said.

“Me too, let’s make it a weekly thing.”

“Done. I want to explain why I’ve been somewhat distant. I wanted to give you time to

figure things out on your own. I know if you need me, you’ll ask and I didn’t need to crowd you.

What happened to Robin must be beyond devastating? I won’t even pretend to understand how you feel. But I’m here anytime…night or day.”

“I love you for that, Tanya. Seriously. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. You never told me to give up on my sister, or told me I was stupid for continuously bailing her out of trouble.

You were, no—you
are
the best and I don’t think I’ve told you that enough. “

“I love you too, girl. You never judge me for any of the things I try or find myself interested in. You hold my secrets, let me vent when I feel like losing it and you’re always in my corner. I can’t even imagine life without you.”

“And you’ll never have to,” Lark assured her.

They exchanged a knowing look.

“What did you tell Pan when you left?”

She shook her head and sighed. “I didn’t. He’s out of town right now.”

“Ouch, Lark.”

“I had to do it now. When he’s around, I can’t think straight. I would never be able to leave.”

“You ever stop to think that in
itself
is a sign?”

“Nope.” She
popped
her p and drained her margarita.

Tanya laughed. They spent the rest of their dinner catching up.

Filthy, tired and eager to see Lark, Pan steered his bike onto his street. The sight of an empty driveway made him frown. Where the hell would Lark be at twelve at night on a Sunday? He parked the bike and went in through the garage, hoping she’d parked inside. Worry set in. He pulled out his phone.

“Hello?” Her sleep worn voice answered.

“Lark? Where are you? Are you okay?”

“Pan? I’m so sorry. I lost track of time and passed out on my couch. Tanya and I did this whole girls’ weekend and it was phenomenal.”

The happiness in her voice made him smile. “I’m glad you had a good time babe. I miss you though. “

“I miss you too.”

The sadness in her voice raised alarms in his head. “You doing okay?”

“No, I’m not. Can we get together tomorrow for lunch?”

“It can’t wait until you come home after work?”

She sighed. “We should really talk about this tomorrow.”

“No, we need to talk about it now. What happened while I was gone?”

“Nightmares. So many nightmares. I can’t go on like this. I need to get my head together.”

“Okay, I get that little bird. I respect it even. What I don’t understand is why I feel like you’re running.”

“I’m not running, I’m stepping away to gain some lucidity.”

The words lit a fuse. “What the hell does step away mean?”

“It means I need my space right now.”

“All of a sudden you need space? We were doing just fine a week ago.”

“No, you were doing fine. I was so lost in you…I didn’t know what the fuck I was.”

“What the hell? You’re mad because I make you happy?” he asked, utterly confused.

“No, I didn’t say that.”

“Then what are you saying? Because right now, none of this is making sense.”

“What we have is intense and all consuming. When we’re together, I can’t think of about anything else. The world around us ceases to exist. Which is great when we’re in the house. But it’s not reality. No matter how great it is between us, that doesn’t change certain facts.”

“What realities are we talking about, Lark?”

“The fact that what you do, who you are comes with a shit ton of baggage. I thought I could handle it. That I was ready to deal with whatever your life would throw my way. I mean hell, after the way we met, I figured how much worse could it get? Then I saw.” Her voice shook.

Pan closed his eyes and clutched the phone tight. “That’s not the norm.”

“No, but it could happen again at any moment. It’s what you live with every moment of your life. The fact that hell could be unleashed around you. It’s the price you pay to bear the name Dueling Devil. It’s a high toll. If I’m going to fully commit to you, I need to be sure I can afford it.”