Pan's Salvation (17 page)

He understood everything she said. It was logical. But it wrecked him just the same. “How long have you been feeling like this?”

“Since Ara’s birthday.”

“That was a month ago, little bird. Why not say something before then?”

“Because I couldn’t. I’ve been lost in a Hartley haze.”

Bitter words danced on the tip of his tongue. He held them back. She was right. It was a conscious decision he made, distracting her. Now it was backfiring. “What do you want me to do?”

“Be supportive. Try to see things from my point of view. I came into this, not just ignorant to the life but traumatized by it and grieving. I didn’t have my head on straight.”

“You think I took advantage of you?” he croaked.

“No. God no! Hartley, you saved me in so many different ways and for that, I’ll be forever grateful. I just—I don’t want to hurt you and if I don’t figure this out right now, I will.

“Too late for that, Lark.”

“Please, don’t…” She trailed off.

Pan could hear the tears in her voice.

“Don’t say that. Don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”

“I don’t think that’s possible. You wait till I leave and you bail without a word.”

“Don’t make it sound like I cleared all my shit out. I had a girl’s weekend just the way I said. With you gone, I had time to think. Would you rather I keep it all in and one day, tell you I couldn’t do it any more…years later?”

“I’d rather you be here with me, where you belong.”

“Don’t you think I wish that too?”

“I don’t know, Lark, do you?”

“You know what? I can’t do this over the phone with you. Meet me tomorrow for lunch,

please?”

“We’ll see. Look I need to go get cleaned up and get some rest. It’s been a long week.”

“Hartley, don’t shut me out like this.”

She’d ripped his chest open. Now, it was all he could do to staunch the flow of blood and keep from dying emotionally. “You wanted distance and time to think. I understand. I’ll give you that.” He disconnected the call while feeling numb. When he left a week ago, his life was perfect. Now, he returned to chaos, disappointment and uncertainty.

Pan walked to the kitchen, opened the cabinet and took out a bottle of whiskey. Beer

wouldn’t do it this time. If he didn’t get drunk enough to pass out tonight, he’d break down, go over to her apartment and persuade her to come back. That wouldn’t be good for either of him. A make-shift patch would only lead to devastation later down the road. She needed to make her choices sans his influence.

He untwisted the cap and took a pull from the bottle. The brown liquid burned its way down his throat and settled in the pit of his belly. Warmth spread through his body, chasing away the icy coldness of doubt and fear. He made his way to the bedroom they shared, draining the bottle.

Fifteen minutes later, he was buzzing, blissfully numb and sprawled across the bed with the light receding as he fell into an unconscious state.

Sometime later, he groaned, clutching his head as the phone jangled. He groped for the

machine blindly and brought it to his ear. “Hello?”

“Pan? Are you drunk?” Lark’s voice sounded sharp.

“No, I’m hung over.” He winced. “There’s a difference.”

“I was afraid you’d do this.”

“Don’t worry about me. Do what you need to do.” Grunting, he pushed into a sitting

position.

“How can you say that? You know I’ll worry about you.”

“Funny, you weren’t when you left the minute I was out of the house.”

“It wasn’t like that and you know it.”

“I don’t feel like I know much of anything.”

“Maybe because you’re in a drunken fog.” She huffed.

“Oh no, I’m crystal clear on things between us. You’re the one with the unanswered

questions. So go soul search, weigh things out. Do whatever it is you need to do. But know this.

When you come back to me, it’ll be for good. I’m not going through this again. It’s too fucking hard.”

“You think this is easy for me?”

“I don’t know,” he muttered.

“It’s not.”

“So, why are you doing it?” He snapped.

“Because I have to. Look, I was calling to set up a time to get together for lunch. I have my break in thirty minutes.”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. When you know what you want, then you can contact me.”

“This is bullshit. I do something you don’t like, so you what? Punish me?”

“No, it’s called self-preservation, Lark. You can’t expect me to sit here and pretend like everything is fine when you have one foot out the door. It’ll make shit harder in the end. Your feelings aren’t the only ones at risk here.”

“I never said they were.”

He sighed. She didn’t understand how much he’d bent over backward for her. Opening

himself up and offering her what was left of his battered heart had been nothing short of a Herculean feat. One she’d just spat on…in his mind. “This is hard for me, Lark. Okay. I understand why you’d hesitate. But we’ve been doing this thing for two months, so for me, this is out of the blue. Respect my feelings the way you want me to respect yours.”

“I do.”

“Right,” he sneered. She had him by the short and curlies. All he could do was sit around and wait, but he’d be damned, if he turned into a puppy for her. “I have some club business to take care of. I’ve been putting it off to stay at home, but now if you need anything, you have my number.” He disconnected, ignoring the twinge of guilt that ran through him. If he weren't careful, she could break him. He couldn’t afford to let that happen.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

The venom in the voice made her blood run cold. Lark glanced up and at met the fury filled hazel gaze of Symone. “Excuse me,” she whispered.

“No, you’re not excused. You’re tearing Pan apart for what? If you can’t handle this life, tell him. But for god’s sake, don’t keep him in limbo like this,” she spat.

“I’m not. I told him I needed time.”

“How much time do you need? Cause it’s been damn near a month and the man seems to be

on a mission to drink himself to death.”

Lark closed her eyes. “I knew he might do this.”

“So why?” Symone demanded.

Her lower lip trembled. “B-because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if what we have is real, or if I can handle everything that comes with him. I know I’m hurting him. I never wanted to do that. But it’d be worse if I did this in a few years.”

“Nothing is promised! Why torture yourselves over what ifs?”

She shook her head. “It’s not that simple.”

“Bullshit,” Symone retorted. “You need to decide something fast, or what happens to Pan will be on your head.”

“I hear you.”

“One week and then I’m coming back here and dragging your ass to his house.”

“Yeah,” Lark whispered brokenly. She placed her hands on her head.
If only it were that
simple.
Her head began to pound as Symone stalked away.

“You okay?” Tanya asked.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“I’m assuming that was about, Pan?”

“Yeah, he’s—not doing too well with the separation.”

“Neither are you. You’ve dropped a good twenty pounds and you’ve got circles for days.

Don’t think you’re fooling me with the concealer.”

That’s what happens when you’re slowly going out of your mind.

She sighed. “I’m not sleeping too well.”

“So, put an end to both your misery. I don’t get it. It’s clear you’re happier together. Why are you continuing this ruse? Your heart made its choice weeks ago.”

“My head doesn’t think love is enough.”

“Only one way to find out really. You know I don’t usually pry. But I’m starting to worry about you. You can’t continue like this, Lark.”

“I’ll go see him.”

“When?” Tanya asked.

“Tonight, okay?”

“Good and don’t leave until you’ve hashed out a course of action.”

“Yes, Mother.”

“Hey, someone needs to be the voice of reason here, because apparently, you’re not thinking straight.”

It’s called pregnancy brain. I’ve read all about it.

“Thank you for being there.”

“Always. We’re slow today, how about you go home and scrounge up some sleep?”

“Are you sure?” Lark asked.

“Positive.”

“Thank you.” Lark rose, gathered her things and walked out of the store with a million

worries and no direct course of action. The longer she waited, the worse the fallout would be.

She called Pan and asked if he would come to her apartment, he gave her a short and curt,
yes.

She opened the door and forced a small smile. “Hi.”

“Hello, little bird.” Pan looked different. He’d grown out a beard. His eyes were dull and his skin looked sallow. Like he’d spent all his time indoors.

It hurt her heart to see it. “Come on in.” She stepped back and allowed him to walk in.

“You said you wanted to talk to me,” Pan said as he sank onto the touch.

She closed the door behind her and took a deep breath. “I do. First of al,l I have to say I’m sorry. There were unforeseeable issues that came up I had to deal with. Things I needed to wrap my head around and accept before I was ready to talk.”

“Oh?” His brow wrinkled.

She longed to smooth the lines on his forehead out. “This isn’t easy. So I’ll just…muddle my way through it. I was never about you Pan. I love you. Nothing will change that.”

His eyebrows shot up. “You sure got a funny way of showing it.”

“It was never about you or us. We’re good, solid. It was about your lifestyle. If I could handle it. If I could be happy in it. The last thing I wanted to do was make you miserable, or break what’s working for you. I didn’t want to run out of gas years down the road and break your heart.”

“Because you’re not hurting me now.”

“I didn’t say it was a perfect plan. But for me, it was a necessary precaution to take. Can you at least understand that?”

“Oh, I understand it. Doesn’t make it easier to deal with, Lark.”

“I know and you’ve been so patient.” She nibbled on her bottom lip. “I want to thank you for that.”

“Is this where you
Dear John
me?” He asked quietly.

“What? NO!” She shook her head and rushed over to kneel before him. “That’s what I’m

trying to tell you. You matter more than anything else. Being without you has been miserable. I barely managed to accomplish simple tasks. I wondered where you were, what you were doing and who you were doing it with. You’ve become a necessity like air, food and water. I didn’t want to admit that because in my life….People leave. Whether they want to or not.”

“You know I’d never go anywhere.”

“Not by choice.” She lowered her head. “Then I realized it didn’t matter. None of us knows how long we have. But If I get to spend every minute I have with you, that’s my happy.”

“You mean that?”

“Yes, I do.” She grabbed his hands.

“No more of this leaving shit?” He snapped.

She shook her head. “No.”

“I want this shit forever, Lark. Nothing short of my ring on your finger and my last name behind yours is going to be enough. Are you ready for that?”

“Fuck, yes. Was that a proposal?”

He gave a bark of laughter and scooped her up into his arms. Holding her in his arms, he nuzzled her neck. “If that’s what you want it to be. You have to promise me one thing, though.”

“What’s that?”

“We’ll never do this shit again...” he paused. The intensity of his gaze seared her. “…You’ll never leave me.”

Their gazes held. “I promise.”

“Good, then we should celebrate properly.” He stood with her in his arms and walked to her bedroom.

“Little bird,” Pan called out. He’d been trying to get a hold of her for a few hours. It wasn’t like her not to answer, so he’d cut work short and headed home. When she didn’t respond, his worry spiked. He jogged down the hallway and froze.

Lark lay face down on the floor in the living room.

“Shit!” He ran to her side and rolled her over. The maroon stain that covered her jeans made him nauseous. He pulled out his phone and called 911. “Yes, I need an ambulance immediately. I came home and found my girlfriend unconscious on the floor. I’m not sure what happened, but there’s blood all over her jeans.”