Party Poopers (3 page)

Wes Updood lives across the Great Lawn from us in Nyce House—the dorm we Rotten House dudes all hate. But that doesn't matter—Wes is the coolest guy on campus.

He is tall and thin and has spiky, brown hair. I don't know what color eyes he has because he never takes off his shades—even in the shower!

Wes plays saxophone and has an awesome rock band. He's so totally cool, no one can understand a
word
he says!

After classes, I went to the gym to help Coach
Manley Bunz deflate the basketballs. Coach likes to take all the air out of the balls after every practice. Don't ask me why.

I was surprised to see Wes in the middle of the floor, practicing with his band. He lowered his big, golden sax and flipped me a two-fingered salute.

“Whussup, dude?” Wes Updood said.

“Not much,” I said. “What's up with the band? Are you gonna play at the All-Nighter?”

Wes nodded. “Like wrinkles on a prune,” he said. “Pure sponge cake.”

See what I mean? You've got to be as cool as Wes to understand him. What was he trying to tell me? “Pure sponge cake?” I said.

Wes frowned at me. “Don't go there.” He blew a note on his sax. It echoed off the gym walls.

I tried again. “So your band is gonna play at the party?”

“No way,” Wes said. “Way. I mean, what if you swallow a cherry pit? Grow with it, right? A mind is a terrible thing to
use
. Know what I mean?”

“Well…not exactly…”

“Blueberries aren't really berries, are they?
They're alive, man. ALIVE! Ever watch 'em move around on your tongue?”

“Well—”

“Watch their little faces. They turn blue if you look at them.”

“Really?”

“Now you're gettin' it! Pure sponge cake!” he cried again. He slapped me a high five. Then we touched knuckles. He blew another high note on his sax that rattled the windows.

“Wes, has a girl asked you to the party?” I asked.

“Shake well before drinking. Don't spit into the wind. King Kong, y'all.” Wes gave me another two-fingered salute. Then he turned to his band, and they started to play a loud, hard-rocking song.

I walked off shaking my head. I wished I was as cool as Wes. Wes is such an awesome dude.

I turned and saw Jennifer Ecch watching from the bleachers. The girl is SICK. She follows me wherever I go.

“Pure sponge cake!” Wes Updood called to her.

“Cream filling!” she shouted back.

WHOA. Did Jennifer
understand
Wes?

I blinked. An awesome idea popped into my head. So awesome, I felt dizzy.

What if I could get Jennifer Ecch to have a crush on Wes?

Suddenly I had a plan. A plan to lose Nightmare Girl.

I saw Coach Bunz starting to deflate the basketballs. I hurried across the gym to help him.

But I knew what I had to do. I had to see April-May's good friend, Sharonda Davis, right away!

Sharonda Davis is the biggest gossip at Rotten School. That's why I had to see her first.

I found her watching TV in the media room at the Student Center. It was
Shark Week
on the Discovery Channel—and Sharonda was cheering for the sharks!

That's cold, right?

Sharonda is tall and thin, with chocolate-colored skin, big, brown eyes, and black hair that she wears in a single braid down her back.

She's a lot like her friend April-May in one way.
She also
pretends
she doesn't like me very much. Of course, it's just an act.

Time to put my plan into action. I slumped back and forth in front of Sharonda, moaning and shaking my head.

“Don't get in my way,” Sharonda said. “In a few minutes the shark eats a swimmer. I've seen this episode. It's totally great.”

I pretended not to hear her. “Sigh, sigh,” I said. I moped back and forth, looking as sad and worried as I could.

“Don't make so much noise,” Sharonda said, tucking her long legs beneath her on the couch. “I like the sound the shark makes when it's chewing on someone.”

Sweet, huh?

“Sigh, sigh,” I said again.

Sharonda rolled her eyes. “Okay, Bernie. What's your problem?”

I shook my head sadly and let a tear roll down my cheek.

“Why are you acting so pitiful?” Sharonda asked.

“It's Jennifer,” I said, making my voice shake.

“What about her?” Sharonda said. “Did she beat you at arm wrestling again?”

“No,” I replied. “It's just…well…I'm not good enough for her.”

Sharonda jumped up from the couch. “You got THAT right!” she said.

I sniffled and wiped away the tear. “I know,” I said. “I'm just a big loser. Jennifer is so awesome. She deserves someone better.”

“Smartest thing you ever said!” Sharonda replied.

“Jennifer should ask someone
cool
to the All-Nighter,” I said. “She shouldn't take me. She needs someone cool—like Wes Updood.”

I got up on tiptoes and whispered into Sharonda's ear. “Can I tell you a secret?”

Her eyes lit up. She
lives
for secrets! “Yeah, sure,” she said.

“Promise you won't tell anyone?”

She nodded. “I won't tell a soul. Promise.”

“Double promise?” I said. “It's a
big
secret.”

“Double promise,” Sharonda agreed. She made a zipping motion across her lips. “I won't tell.”

“Wes Updood told me he has a
total crush
on
Jennifer,” I whispered.

Sharonda swallowed. “Really?”

I nodded. “Don't tell,” I said. “I know I don't deserve Jennifer. Please don't tell her.”

“Don't worry about it,” Sharonda said.

I hunched my shoulders, sighed a few times, and slumped out of the Student Center. Outside, I hid behind a tree and waited.

Two minutes later Sharonda came running out. I knew where she was going. I followed her.

Sharonda headed straight for April-May.

April-May sat behind a card table near the statue of our school's founder, Mr. I. B. Rotten. She had two big signs next to the table. They both read: HELP SAVE THE CHIMPANZEES.

What
chimpanzees? And
what
was she saving them from?

I didn't know. But she had a big jar half-filled with money that kids had given her.

I hid behind another tree to spy on Sharonda and April-May. But I couldn't keep my eyes off that money jar. If I had a big, black marker I could change the signs to read: HELP SAVE BERNIE BRIDGES….

I forced my eyes away from the jar. Sure enough, Sharonda was telling April-May my secret.

Am I a genius, or am I a genius?

My plan to de-Jennifer myself was under way!

Sharonda tugged April-May to her feet. She pulled April-May away. I knew where they were going—off to find Jennifer.

I crept to the table.
The chimps won't mind if I borrow a few dollars from them
, I thought. But, sadly, April-May took the money jar with her.

I followed the two girls to the exercise room. I waited a minute or two, then sneaked in after them. I ducked behind a stationary bike.

Jennifer was lifting a girl who was lifting weights.

I know it's hard to picture. But that's how strong
The Ecch is. Pumping fifty-pound weights is too easy. She likes to lift a hundred-pound
person
who is pumping fifty-pound weights.

A shiver ran down my back. I suddenly pictured Jennifer showing off—holding me over her head, raising me up and down in front of everyone.

I had to get rid of her. My LIFE was at stake!

I leaned forward and listened to their conversation.

“Bernie is a total creep,” Sharonda told Jennifer. “Even he
himself
said you deserve someone better.”

Jennifer groaned as she lifted the girl lifting the weights. “Bernie is so modest,” she said. “He's so cute. What a sweet thing for him to say.”

“You're not getting it,” Sharonda said. “He said you deserve someone better than him. Someone cool. Like Wes Updood.”

Jennifer giggled. “That's so totally sweet. Bernie can't help himself. He's just so adorable!”

She set the weight girl down. “Thanks for the workout,” she said. “But I need someone a little heavier.” The girl staggered away.

I shivered and shuddered. Why did the strongest nine-year-old girl on the planet pick
me
to be her boyfriend?

“You should ask Wes Updood to the All-
Nighter,” April-May told Jennifer.

“No way,” Jennifer replied, toweling off her face. “I couldn't disappoint Bernie that way. It would break his heart.”

Go ahead. Break my heart
, I thought.
Please!

Sharonda had her arms crossed in front of her. She shook her head. “You really deserve someone better,” she said.

“Yes,” April-May agreed. “What if we prove to you that Bernie is just toe fungus?”

Perfect!
I thought.
That's me. Toe fungus
.
Jennifer, LISTEN to them!

The Ecch giggled. “You girls are teasing me, right? You both know how wonderful my Honey Cakes is!”

Sharonda stuck a finger down her throat and made gagging sounds.

I told you: She pretends she doesn't like me.

“What if we
prove
it to you?” April-May asked Jennifer again. “What if we prove to you that Bernie is a creep and a loser? Then will you drop him?”

The Ecch giggled again. “Lamby Knees? A creep and a loser? No way!”

Okay. I knew what I had to do.

I had to act like a creep and a loser.

It wouldn't be easy for someone as handsome and popular and smart as me. But I could do it.

To convince Jennifer to drop me, I could be toe fungus. I could be the biggest creep and loser at Rotten School.

Just watch me!