Party Poopers (4 page)

“Okay, dudes—get your butts over here!”

Ever try to round up a group of first graders?

The little guys were wrestling on the grass and tackling one another, fighting and shouting and pushing and poking one another's eyes out.

Totally cute.

“Dudes—get over here!” I shouted. I pulled two wrestling kids to their feet, one in each hand.

“Yo—what's that? Give it! Give!” I grabbed a Nutty-Nutty candy bar from a kid who was stuffing his face.

“How many times do I have to tell you kids to eat
healthy
? Eat
healthy
!” I shoved the candy bar into my mouth to keep the kid from ruining his lunch.

As an older student, I have to set an example. “Okay, everyone line up!” I shouted.

A chubby kid with red hair and a faceful of freckles stuck his tongue out at me.

“Come over here, kid,” I said. “What's your name?”

He sneered at me. “I don't know. I'm only in first grade!”

“Ha-ha. A joker!” I said. “You'll go far, kid. Do you know how to spell
NOT FUNNY
?”

He shook his head. “No. We haven't done spelling yet.”

I
liked
this kid. He reminded me of ME.

But I didn't have time for jokers. I knew that April-May, Sharonda, and Jennifer would be walking by here soon.

I herded the kids into the courtyard next to Rotten House, my dorm. The dorm is a beat-up old house with shingles falling off and a leaky roof. But we love it.

I pointed up to a window on the third floor. “That's my room up there,” I told them.

“Is that a big whoop-de-doo?” the freckled kid said. “I mean, are we supposed to care?”

“Ha-ha.” I laughed and pinched his cheek. Okay. Maybe I pinched a little too hard. The redness would go away in a week or two.

“Listen up, dudes!” I shouted. “I brought you guys here to play a little game.”

Some of them cheered and slapped high fives. Others just stared at me.

I checked my watch. Almost time.

“Here's what I'm gonna do,” I said. “I'm gonna go up to my room on the third floor and drop water balloons onto your heads.”

They cheered again.

“And I want you guys to cry,” I said. “When I hit you with a water balloon, I want you to cry really loudly and sob your eyes out.”

The redheaded kid stepped forward. “But we LIKE to have water balloons dropped on us!” he said.

I pinched his other cheek. “I know you like it,” I said. “But this is a game. I want you to be the biggest crybabies on campus—get it? I want you to pretend that I'm a mean dude, and you
hate
it.”

They shook their heads, looking confused.

I checked my watch again. “Just do it,” I said. “Cry your eyes out. Make it look really sad—okay?”

I ran into the house. I shot up the stairs to my room and pulled open the window. I could see the little dudes down there, huddled in a circle, talking it over.

My targets.

I had a basket of water balloons ready. Piece of cake!

I leaned out the window. “Get ready, guys!” I shouted down. “I wanna see
real
tears!”

From the third floor, I had a good view of the path from the Great Lawn. I knew the three girls would be walking by any minute now, on their way to the girls' dorm.

You want to see a creep?

You want to see a creep and a loser?

Bernie B. is your man!

Across the lawn I could see the three girls approaching. Another minute and they'd be here.

I picked up a fat water balloon in each hand, took a deep breath, and got ready for ACTION!

As soon as April-May, Sharonda, and Jennifer came near, I let the water balloons drop. They made wonderful sounds as they exploded on the kids' heads.

“WAAAH! WAAAH!” The dudes started wailing and sobbing, just as I told them to.

“I'm drowning! I'm DROWNING!” the redheaded kid screamed. And I hadn't even
dropped
one on him yet! This kid was an
actor
!

SPLAT!

“WAAAAAH! I'm wet! I'm wet! SOB SOB!”

The first graders were soaked. Some of them dropped to their knees, crying and sobbing and rubbing their eyes.

The kids were
brilliant
!

I watched April-May and Sharonda shaking their heads. “Can you
believe
what Bernie is doing?” Sharonda cried to Jennifer.

“See how that creep treats those little kids?” April-May said. “Just for a mean laugh!”

“WAAAAAH! He hit me! He hit me!

I leaned out the window and shouted down at the girls. “This is totally FUN! Want to try it?” I tossed back my head and let out an evil laugh.

Sharonda grabbed Jennifer by the elbow. “See what we mean?” she cried. “See what a loser creep he is?”

SPLAAAAT
!

“WAAAH! WAAAAH!”

Jennifer looked up and blew me a kiss. Then she turned back to Sharonda. “Oh, boys will be boys,”
she said. “Honey Cakes is just having a little fun.”

Huh?

I sailed a few more fat balloons out the window.

SPLAT!
One of them dropped a kid to his knees. He started to sob.

“Bernie is so
unselfish
,” Jennifer said. “He'd rather be with his friends. But here he is, sharing himself with the little kids. Teaching them about life. It's totally wonderful. They look up to him so much!”

She blew me ten or twenty more kisses.

Oh, wow.

Failure
. Total failure.

Making the first graders cry didn't turn her against me at all. When I dropped water balloons onto their heads, it made her PROUD of me!

I shook my head. Getting rid of The Ecch was going to be a
lot
tougher than I thought.

But, hey, does the great Bernie B. give up after only one try?

I knew I could prove to Jennifer that I was a lowly worm who didn't deserve her.

Don't worry your head about
this
dude. I knew I could think up some other ideas that
totally
rocked!