Party Poopers (7 page)

SHOULD STUDENTS BE ALLOWED TO BRING LAPTOPS TO CLASS?

That was the question the Rotten School Debate Team was arguing. They were debating a team of three kids from Easter Bunny Prep.

The debates are a big deal. All of us fourth graders have to go to them. We piled into the auditorium and took seats way in the back so we could goof around and talk and take naps.

I glanced at the stage. The three kids on our team were Sherman Oaks, Wes Updood, and Georgia
Pines. They were looking through their notes, getting ready to debate. I saw Jennifer Ecch in the front row, blowing kisses to Wes.

Sherman started the debate. He walked to the front of the stage and held up a shiny silver laptop.

“My new laptop has a solid chrome body,” he said. “That's so I can see myself as I type on it.” He held it higher. “It has leopard skin on all the keys so I don't bruise my fingertips.”

He stepped back. “I don't have an argument,” he said. “I just wanted to show you the laptop. I know
you
can't afford one this nice.”

Wes Updood went next. He studied his note cards for a moment. Then he spoke into the microphone. “George Washington, everyone,” he said. “Uncle of our country. Supersize it! Yo!”

Silence in the auditorium. Then Jennifer shouted, “Brilliant! Brilliant! That's so smart!”

“You da man! Give it up!” Wes said, reading his notes. “Save big money now. It's like sliced peaches, ya know?”

“Brilliant!” Jennifer cried. She jumped to her feet and clapped. “Brilliant! Sliced peaches. Why didn't
I think of that? Brilliant!”

“What about laptops?” a kid from Easter Bunny Prep shouted.

“What about your
thumb
?” Wes replied. “Ever suck on it for an hour and then
smell
it?”

Jennifer started to clap again. “Brilliant! Totally brilliant! No way we can lose now!”

No one else had a clue what Wes was talking about. But he talked for another twenty minutes. He was totally cool. So cool, he wasn't even speaking English! Then he picked up his saxophone and started to play.

The debate was over. No one on the other team got to say a word. That's why Rotten School wins every debate.

Wes started to leave the stage. Jennifer hurried up to join him. “Brilliant! Lamby Knees, you're SO SMART!” she cried. She hugged him so hard, I could hear his ribs cracking.

Jennifer, Wes, and Sherman left the auditorium. I followed them. I
loved
seeing Wes smothered by The Ecch.

They made their way to the snack shop at the
Student Center. I followed them as they got in line.

Jennifer had her arm around Wes's shoulders. As they walked, she nibbled on his ear, making loud, slurping noises.

He turned to her. “Marble cheesecake,” he said angrily.

Her smile faded. She jerked her arm away. “
What
did you say?”

“Marble cheesecake,” Wes repeated. “Strawberry shortcake. You know what I'm talking about. Like elephants on rice.”

“How DARE you!” Jennifer screamed. “How DARE you insult my hair like that!”

“Huh?” Wes squinted at her, confused. “Graham cracker crust?” he murmured. “Smell my armpit on your birthday?”

With a roar, Jennifer pounced on him. She knocked him to the floor. “I thought you
liked
me! Why are you saying those horrible things about the way I look?”

“Pony rides, man. Pony rides,” Wes said. Then he screamed in pain.

Sherman jumped to rescue his friend. He grabbed
Jennifer by the shoulders and tried to pull her off Wes. Jennifer spun around. Her one brown eye and one blue eye flashed. She stared at Sherman as if she'd never seen him before.

Then she let go of Wes, leaped to her feet—and wrapped her arms around Sherman's waist. “Honey Cakes!” she cried. “You're mine now! MINE!”

“Gulp!” Sherman choked on a big wad of bubble gum. “Excuse me?”

“Honey Cakes!” Jennifer cried. “It's you and me, Shermie! Big-time!”

Sherman made some more gulping sounds. He tried to shove her away with his chrome laptop.

But The Ecch grabbed his left arm and twisted it behind his back. “Promise you'll go to the All-Nighter with me!” she screamed.

“Huh? No way!” Sherman gasped. “OWWWW!”

He screamed as The Ecch twisted his arm higher behind him. “Honey Face,” Jennifer cooed, “I won't let go until you promise to go with me.”

“But-but-but—” Sherman sputtered.

“Is that a yes or a no?” Jennifer asked.

My buddies Feenman and Crench and I were having lunch in the Dining Hall. I looked up and saw April-May June heading our way.

“I know why she's coming over here,” I told them. “Sherman has been captured by The Ecch. So April-May needs a date to the All-Nighter. I won't make her beg for
too
long.”

April-May stepped up to our table. Her blond ponytail swung behind her. She kept clenching her fists. “Jennifer ruined everything,” she said. “She
knew
Sherman was my date.”

I crinkled up my eyes the way that always drives girls crazy. “So you've come to ask me instead?” I said.

April-May spit her gum into my chicken soup. “Bernie,” she said, “I'd rather have my tongue pulled out through my nose.”

I laughed. “You're a great kidder. Yes, I'll go with you.”

She clamped a hand onto my shoulder. “You have to get Jennifer back,” she said. “You have to fix this. You have to get her back so I can go with Sherman.”

“Get her BACK?
No way!”
I cried. “It took me
months
to get rid of her!”

April-May shrugged. “Then you won't have a date for the party, Bernie. You'll be sitting by yourself in your room—with those two big cartons.”

I swallowed. “And I'll be totally broke?”

April-May nodded.

I let out a sigh. “Maybe you have a point,” I said. “But how can I get Jennifer back? The party is tomorrow night.”

“You'll think of something,” April-May said. She patted me on the shoulder and hurried away.

I shook my head sadly. Get The Ecch back?
Don't even
think
about it!
I told myself. But, did I have a choice?

“Wow,” Feenman said. “April-May had a weird way of begging you.”

Crench had his eyes on my soup bowl. “Bernie,
do you want that?” he asked.

“No. Take it,” I said.

He reached into the soup, pulled out April-May's gum, and popped it into his mouth.

Chills ran down my back. I shook. I staggered. My eyes bulged. My tongue hung out of my mouth and wagged like a dog's tail. My whole head shook like a bobblehead doll's.

But I had no choice. I had to get The Ecch back before tomorrow night. And I knew how to do it.

Jennifer
loved
it when I acted like a creep and a klutz and a jerk. She thought that was the BEST. No matter what I did, she thought it was awesome.

All I had to do was repeat all those creepy, klutzy, jerky things. I knew I'd have her back in no time.

I rounded up the first-grade kids again. I waited for Jennifer to walk by Rotten House with Sherman. And I dropped water balloons onto the little kids.

Leaning out my dorm window, I saw Jennifer turn to Sherman. “Bernie is
so
immature,” she said. “
You'd
never do anything like that, Shermie Pie.” They kept walking.

Strike one. That didn't work. No prob!

I remembered how Jennifer liked it when I stuck my head into Sherman's karaoke machine and wrecked it. I found Sherman onstage in the auditorium. Jennifer was watching him repair the machine.

“Hey, guys,” I said, climbing onstage. “Here, Sherman. Let Bernie B. give you a hand. I know just how to fix these things.”

I fiddled with some dials. Then I stuck my head inside the machine again. “Help! I'm stuck! I'm stuck!” That
had
to win Jennifer back.

“Bernie, how can you be such a total spaz?” she snarled. She tugged my head free, then gave me a boot in the butt that sent me flying into the seats. “Get lost!”

Okay, okay. Strike two.

But, no prob. I still had the hard-boiled-egg-eating contest. Jennifer went nuts for that. I remembered how it totally impressed her.

The guys didn't want to do another egg-eating contest. They said they were still urping up egg from
the last one. I had to bribe them with free flashlights and sweatshirts.

We got ready in the alley behind the Student Center. As soon as I saw Jennifer coming, I started stuffing eggs down my throat.

I threw up all over my own shoes. Yellow chunks poured from my mouth and nose. I waited for Jennifer to hurry over to help me.

“Ooh, totally gross!” she cried, holding her nose. “Bernie, why don't you
grow up
?” She turned and galloped away.

“Oh, wow.
That
went well,” I muttered. I stared down at the yellow glop on my shoes.

Strike three. Bernie is out.

My shoes made squishy sounds as I trudged back to Rotten House. I didn't care. I failed to get Jennifer back. I knew that tomorrow I'd be doing an all-nighter—alone in my room!