Party Poopers (8 page)

The All-Nighter started with a barbeque blowout in the Dining Hall. Chef Baloney and his helpers stood beside huge barbeque grills. They served up
tons
of smoking hot dogs, burgers, chicken, and ribs.

I gazed around the brightly decorated hall. The theme of this year's party was “Pond Life.” Giant lily pads and paper pond scum hung from the rafters. And some awesome artist had painted a huge mural of snails and leeches and fish skeletons.

“Totally excellent!” I exclaimed to April-May as we stepped into the line for food.

“Don't talk to me,” she said. “Pretend you're not with me.”

Well, I know. You're probably wondering what Bernie B. was doing at the party. And how I got there with April-May June.

Simple. About ten minutes before the party started, April-May realized that she and I were the only ones without dates. So she came to see me.

I could tell she was
crazy
about me. “Bernie,” she said, “I'd rather hammer rusty nails into my ears. But what choice do I have? I have to ask you to the All-Nighter.”

Yes! YES! Sweet!

What a night for the great Bernie B.! I'm at the party with the coolest, hottest girl in school. I'm gonna GET RICH QUICK with my flashlights and sweatshirts. AND Sherman Oaks is stuck with The Ecch.

Could life
get
any sweeter?

“Enjoy your dinners, everyone!” Mrs. Pocketlint shouted. She and Mr. Pocketlint stood at a microphone in the front of the hall. “Don't eat
too
much. You want to be light and fast for the soccer game, the
three-legged race across Pooper's Pond, and the treasure hunt.”

At the end of our table, my buddies Feenman and Crench were tossing chicken wings back and forth, catching them in their
teeth
. Those two dudes know how to
party
!

April-May stood up and shouted to everyone, “I'm not really here with Bernie! I know it
looks
like I'm here with Bernie. But I'm not.”

She's so cute.

I raised my cheeseburger to my mouth. But I didn't get to take a bite. Because I felt a hard tap on my shoulder.

I spun around. “Jennifer? What do you want?”

“I changed my mind,” she said. “You're
my
date now.”

I dropped the cheeseburger. “Are you crazy?” I cried. “It's too late. The party started already. Go back to Sherman.”

“It's never too late,” Jennifer cooed, “when a girl is in love.” She started licking the back of my neck.

“Yuck!” I groaned. “Get that cow tongue off me!
Jennifer, why are you doing this?”

She grinned. Her one brown eye and one blue eye sparkled. “See what Sherman gave me? He said I could have this if I went back to you.” She held up a hundred-dollar bill.

April-May gasped. She stared at the money. “Jennifer,” she said, “you can't let a boy bribe you like that.”

“Sure, I can!” Jennifer said. She bent down and started licking my neck again.

April-May grabbed my left arm. “I don't want to be here with Bernie,” she told Jennifer. “I'd rather have huge purple spots all over my body. But—this isn't
fair
!”

“Let go of him!” Jennifer cried. She grabbed my right arm. “Sherman gave me a hundred dollars to go back to Bernie. And that's what I'm going to do.”

“No, you're not!” April-May screamed. She pulled my arm as hard as she could.

“Give him to me!” Jennifer grunted. She pulled my other arm with all her strength.

Tug-of-war time, dudes.

Does it look like I might be in trouble here?

“Don't fight over me, girls,” I said. “I know I'm fabulous, but give me a break here. Maybe you could
share
!”

“No way!” they both screamed, tugging harder. I heard my armpits crack! If something didn't happen soon, they'd
pull me apart
!

“Listen up, everyone!” Mr. Pocketlint shouted. “Time for the annual three-legged race! Everyone outside! Line up at Pooper's Pond!”

Chairs scraped. Kids started to run out of the Dining Hall. I thought this might save me. But I was wrong.

I staggered to the door with both girls pulling me from side to side. It was a clear, cool night. A silvery moon shone down, floating just above the trees.

But I couldn't enjoy it. The two girls wouldn't stop their tug-of-war. My arms were already eight feet long!

No one knows how Pooper's Pond got its name. Maybe it's the smell. Maybe it's because the water is thick and lumpy.

A narrow, wooden bridge stretches over the pond. The three-legged race starts at the bridge. I saw kids pairing up and pulling burlap bags over their middle legs.

Belzer stood beside the bridge. He was leaning on one of my two cartons. Jennifer pulled me toward Belzer. April-May tugged me away.

“Belzer, quick—” I shouted. “Get the cartons open. We've gotta sell, sell, SELL!”

April-May let go of me for a moment to pick up a burlap bag. I grabbed a handful of flashlights from the carton. Jennifer started to pull a bag up over my left leg.

“Flashlights!” I shouted, waving them in the air.
“They're only a dollar. How else can you see where you're running? Flashlights, everyone!”

April-May struggled to pull a bag up onto my right leg.

“You girls can't do this!” I cried. “It's not a six-legged race!” I waved the flashlights. “Only a dollar! I have change for bigger bills!” I shouted.

The girls were tugging up the burlap bags. “Give me a break!” I said. “I've gotta sell this stuff!”

“Bernie, get away from the boxes,” Jennifer growled. “We have to race.”

“No!” April-May protested. “WE have to race.”

“Flashlights!” I called. “Sweatshirts! Who's cold? Who needs a sweatshirt?”

“You're RUINING the race!” Jennifer cried. She let go of me, but she dove at the two cartons.

“Jennifer—don't!” I cried.

She lifted both cartons above her head—and HEAVED them over the side of the bridge—into Pooper's Pond!

I screamed. “That's
three months'
allowance!”

I didn't think. I took a deep breath, broke away from both girls—and
dove
into the water after my cartons.

I hit bottom, then came floating back up, covered in muck and brown, lumpy water. “My sweatshirts! My flashlights! My MONEY!” I wailed.

But the cartons had sunk to the bottom.

I was RUINED.

I slapped the thick, chunky water with both hands. Then I slapped it again.

“He's DROWNING!” I heard Jennifer shout. “Don't worry, Bernie. I'll save you!”

I saw April-May racing away, crossing the bridge—with Sherman! What a traitor!

And then there was a huge

Smelly, thick water washed over me. Jennifer popped up at my side. She wrapped an arm around my neck and started dragging me toward shore.

My mouth filled with the pukey water. I started to choke.

Jennifer grinned at me. “This is the most
awesome
party!” she gushed. “I can't believe we get to do this ALL NIGHT!”

“My money…” I muttered. “My money…I'm broke…. I'm busted….”

The disgusting, brown water was caked in my hair. It oozed down my face. I blinked. Someone was
shining a light into my eyes.

I glanced up at the bridge—and saw Belzer holding a flashlight.

He grinned down at me. “Bernie, I saved one!” he called. “Can I keep it?”