Party Poopers (6 page)

I suddenly remembered the hard-boiled egg-eating contest. Every year I bet on Beast to gobble down the most eggs. But this year was gonna be different.

This year Bernie B. was going to enter the contest.

I made sure Jennifer and Sharonda knew about it. I wanted them to be there.

“Yo, dudes!” I called to my friends as I met them in the little alley behind the Student Center. We hold the contest there so we won't get caught.

I mean, it probably isn't good for you to eat fifty eggs in three minutes.

The contestants stood against a brick wall. Each one had a helper—someone to keep handing him eggs. I saw Joe Sweety, the big, mean kid from Nyce House. He was chewing on a football, warming up his jaw. (I
told
you he was big and mean!)

Feenman was there, cracking open eggs for Beast. Beast warmed up by eating the
shells
!

I picked up a bucket of eggs and moved next to them. I waved to my friend Crench. “Dude, get over here. Start cracking eggs for me.”

He squinted at me. “But aren't you betting on Beast?”

“This year I'm betting on Bernie B.,” I said. “There's gonna be a new champ this year! Better bet on
me,
dudes—I'm HUNGRY!”

Sherman Oaks stepped up to start the contest. He raised a gold whistle to his lips. “When I blow the whistle, start eating,” he said.

But Jennifer and Sharonda weren't there yet. I had to stall. “Sherman, is that whistle real gold?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yeah. My parents sent it to me. It cost five hundred dollars at Tiffany's. They know
that
silver
whistles give me chapped lips.”

I fingered the whistle. “How does it work?” I asked. “Do you blow into it? Or is this a
digital
one?” I had my eye out for the girls.

Sherman groaned. “Are you stalling, Bernie? If you don't want to eat eggs, step out!”

I saw Sharonda and Jennifer slip into the alley. “Me, stall?” I said. “Why would I stall? I can eat eggs with my eyes closed.”

The girls came closer. Jennifer waved a big paw at
me. “Honey Breath!” she called. “I'm here, Honey Breath!”

“Let's start,” I said. “I'm HUNGRY!”

Sherman blew the whistle.

Joe, Beast, and I began shoving eggs into our mouths. Ucch. I tried to chew. It tasted like pillow stuffing.

I began sliding them down my throat
without
chewing. Two…three…Could I manage four? I
had
to!

Next to me, Beast was shoving eggs into his open mouth three at a time. He made a
glug, glug
sound as egg after egg slid down his throat. Next to him, Joe Sweety had egg smeared all over his face. He was half finished with his first bucket.

Crench handed me another egg. I pushed it into my mouth. The yolk stuck to my tongue. I shoved it down with another egg.
Whooooah
. My stomach started to bubble and churn.

I couldn't believe I was doing this. But it was for a good cause!

Sharonda had her arms crossed in front of her. She rolled her eyes. “You guys are totally disgusting,” she said. She turned to Jennifer. “Could it be any more disgusting than this?”

Just as she said that, I bent over and started to HURL my guts out.

A waterfall of yellow egg barf gushed from my open mouth. Wet lumps of egg poured out my nose.

The smelly egg barf puddled over my shoes. It stuck to my cheeks and my chin.

When I finally stopped heaving it up, I raised my head and gave Jennifer a big, yellow grin!

This
has
to work!
I told myself.
I'm totally gross and disgusting. This has
got
to turn Jennifer off.

I pulled a chunk of egg barf from my nose and gazed at her.

“Bernie is a total competitor,” she said to Sharonda. “He always plays to win.”

“But, Jen—” Sharonda started to protest.

The Ecch smiled at me. “I really admire someone who takes on a new challenge,” she said. She stepped up and began tenderly wiping the gunk off my face with her school scarf.

I picked up the egg bucket and slammed it down over my head.

What do I have to
do
to prove to Jennifer that I'm PITIFUL?

I was acting like a loser for so long, I started to
feel
like one!

Come on, dude. Who is the greatest schemer and plotter on earth? Do I have to answer that? So why couldn't I think of a scheme or plot to get rid of The Ecch?

Defeated. Was Bernie B. actually
defeated
?

I couldn't stand it. During the day I walked around campus with my head down, staring at my shoes. At night I sat for hours gazing at the two big cartons on my floor.

The flashlights. The sweatshirts. They were gonna make me RICH! I had to get to the party. But NOT with Jennifer—with April-May.

Sigh, sigh. Day after day I moped and sighed. My friends weren't used to seeing me like this. I know they missed my funny jokes, my winning smile, my great laugh. But what could I do?

Then, one gray afternoon I was surprised to see April-May June come running across the Great Lawn. “Hi, Bernie. How are you?” She flashed me a smile that sent me stumbling back across the grass.

“Uh…good,” I said. My legs started shaking. My chest fluttered. Was she actually being NICE to me?

“Bernie, would you go to the All-Nighter with me?” April-May asked.

“Whuh-whuh-whuh-whuh,” I replied. My lips didn't work. They suddenly felt like flapping, rubber balloons.

“I
did
plan to ask Sherman Oaks,” she said. “But you're so much cuter.”

BA-BOOM! BA-BOOM! BA-BOOM!

My heart was pounding so hard, the buttons on my school blazer popped off. Did April-May
finally
realize that she was my girlfriend?

“Yes,” I said. “Of
course
I'll go to the All-Nighter with you.”

“GOTCHA!” a husky voice cried. And Jennifer Ecch jumped out from behind a bush. She let out an angry growl and shook both meaty fists at me.

April-May turned to Jennifer. “See?” she said. “I
told
you Bernie was a creep!
Now
do you finally believe me?”

Jennifer growled again. “Yes, I believe you,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Bernie, how could you DO this to me? You're a total rat! You promised to go with me. Then you said YES to April-May! I heard every word!”

A trick. I was tricked by the two girls. I took several steps back. “Don't get angry,” I said. “Please—don't sit on me and crush all my bones to powder.”

Jennifer's face turned bright red. “How could you do this? How could you break your promise? You traitor! I'm not taking you to the All-Nighter!” she screamed.

“You-you're not?” I stammered.

“No way. I'm taking back my invitation. I'm going to ask Wes Updood instead,” Jennifer said. “Sharonda told me that Wes has a crush on me.”

Her size-fourteen shoes pounded the ground as she spun away and hurried off to find Wes.

Is this REALLY happening?
I asked myself. I watched Jennifer kick up grass as she ran.

She's going to ask Wes? Did my plan actually
work
after all? Am I free? Totally FREE?

And does this mean I'm going to the party with April-May?

“Of
course
you're not going with me!” April-May said. She tossed back her head and laughed in my face for nearly ten minutes. “The whole thing was a trick, Bernie. And you fell for it.”

She laughed again—until her face turned blue and she had to stop. “I already asked Sherman Oaks,” she said, gasping for air. “Bye.” She gave me a little wave and trotted off toward the girls' dorm.

Well, I was disappointed that April-May didn't want to ask me. But hey, no biggie. I knew a
dozen
girls were waiting for me. No complaints. Getting
rid of The Ecch was a major WIN!

“Sweet!” I cried, clapping my hands together. “Totally sweet!”

I ran all the way to Rotten House, flashing a thumbs-up to every kid I passed. I rushed into my room. “Belzer!” I screamed. “Get in here!”

Belzer came bouncing in from his room across the hall. “What's up, Big B?”

“Open the cartons,” I said. “Dust off the flashlights. We're gonna cash in!”

Belzer picked up a flashlight and clicked it five or six times. “But, Bernie, they don't work!” he cried.

“They work fine,” I said. “You just have to slap 'em a few times!”

 

Later, I saw Jennifer and Wes Updood having lunch in the Dining Hall. Jennifer sat really close to Wes and wrapped an arm around his neck. I think she meant it to be friendly. But it looked like a headlock on a TV wrestling smack-down.

She was calling him Honey Cakes and Lamby Breath. Can you
imagine
calling the coolest dude in school “Lamby Breath”?

When she planted loud, smoochy kisses up and down Wes's arm, I had to laugh. “Bernie, you're free!” I told myself. “You're a genius!” I wanted to give MYSELF some smoochy kisses!

Jennifer jumped to her feet. “What can I bring you for lunch, Hot Face?” she shouted.

“Highway 495, exit left onto the interstate,” Wes said.

Jennifer nodded. “Do you want ketchup with that?”

“Can you stare into the sun at night?” Wes replied.

“Okay. You got it,” Jennifer said. She hurried to the lunch line.

My mouth dropped open. Did she really
understand
what Wes wanted?

I couldn't believe it. Wes and Jennifer were perfect for each other!

The days flew by. The All-Nighter was just a week away. I had good news and bad news.

The good news: Jennifer clung to Wes Updood like a mop on a dust bunny. She followed him everywhere, smothered him with smoochy kisses—and tackled him to the ground whenever he tried to get away.

What a hoot!

Wes was trapped—and I was
free
.

And that's the bad news: I was free. No girl had asked me to the party. I had two cartons of stuff to
sell. How could I unload it if I didn't have a date?

Of course, I still hoped April-May would come to her senses and ditch Sherman. But I couldn't count on that.

Why weren't girls lined up to ask me? I
never
like to brag. But I can't tell a lie. Who is the most popular dude at Rotten School? Answer: Bernie B.

Suddenly I knew what the problem was! I just had to let the girls know I was free….

I ran into Flora and Fauna, the Peevish twins, outside the library. I flashed them my most adorable grin, the one with the dimples.

“Don't fight over me, girls,” I said. “I know you
both
want me for the All-Nighter. But I don't want to start a battle between sisters. Why don't we just flip a coin?”

“We already asked Feenman and Crench,” Flora said.

I patted their heads. “Don't feel bad. I know you're disappointed. Maybe next time.”

Sharonda Davis was in the Student Center, playing Ping-Pong with a red-haired girl named Georgia Pines. Sharonda is a tough Ping-Pong player. Her
serves flew twenty feet off the table. And poor Georgia had to chase after the ball.

“Sharonda,” I said, “all those terrible, gross things you said about me. That was just your cute way of saying you
like
me—right?”

“I asked Joe Sweety to the party,” Sharonda said. She slammed the ball into the next room.

I chased after it with Georgia. “You don't know me,” I said. “But you are probably
dying
to ask me to the party.”

“I asked that cute friend of yours from your dorm,” she said.

“Cute friend?”

“Yeah. Nosebleed,” she said.

I grabbed the ball and tossed it to her. “Huh? Nosebleed? But he always gets a nosebleed before parties. What if he can't go?”

“He promised me he wouldn't,” she said. “He's going to plug up his nose with duct tape just in case.”

Good plan.

I slumped back to my room. This was getting
serious
.

Steam poured out when I opened my door. Belzer
was ironing my shirts. “Not too much starch,” I said. “You know I have very delicate skin.”

Belzer nodded. “No problem, Big B. I walked your dog, and I watered your plants.”

Good kid, Belzer.

“Do you have a date to the All-Nighter?” I asked him.

Belzer nodded. “Yeah. Patti Kakes asked me.”

My mouth dropped open. “Patti Kakes? But that girl chews on her braids all the time. And she LICKS her textbooks!”

“So what?” Belzer said. “She asked me.”

I sighed and dropped onto my bed. Belzer had a date, and I didn't.

What should I do? I needed a plan—
and I didn't have one!