Rainbow Blues (19 page)

“You’re a gay man. Start drinking like one.”

Ryan let himself smile, which was Jimmy’s intention. He was the last one to encourage gay stereotypes, mostly because he hated that everyone saw him as one. Just because he was one didn’t mean he thought they should all be the same.

“And maybe a mimosa or two will ease Zach into the notion that you’re gay.”

The little smile on Ryan’s face disappeared again.

“I can’t tell him. And I don’t know what to do. Everything’s all weird now.”

“It’s only weird because of your perception. I know for a fact Luke doesn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. He doesn’t like keeping secrets, especially from his son, but he considers you a son, too.”

Ryan covered his face with both hands and groaned. “I can’t believe I did that. I’m such an idiot.” Ryan’s words were muffled by his hands.

The mimosas arrived with startling swiftness; the server must have recognized that the tension at the table needed a little alcoholic diversion. Jimmy glanced at the melted, soggy mess on Luke’s plate and handed it to the server to take away.

“C’mon. Have a sip.”

Ryan sniffed at the glass before taking a sip. “Oh. That’s pretty good.”

“Yeah, it is.” Jimmy took a sip of his own. The champagne wasn’t anywhere near the quality of the stuff he’d had last night, but that’s what the orange juice was for.

A glance around the restaurant confirmed Luke and Zach weren’t anywhere about, which meant Jimmy was safe to offer what little wisdom he had available to him.

“I’ve been there, Ryan. I’ve fallen for a straight guy before, and it sucks. Now, I would never presume to speak for another guy, and I haven’t spent a lot of time with Zach, but I’m almost certain he’s as straight as the horizon.”

Ryan’s shoulders sagged, and he huffed out a sigh. “Yeah, I know. And I know Zach won’t care if I’m gay, but I’m just afraid if I admit I’m gay, he’ll know that I… well, anyway, I’m worried
that’s
what will drive him away.”

“A little distance might not hurt, you know. Help you move on.”

“No. No. Zach’s pretty much the only reason I survived puberty. I can’t lose him.”

Oh, this pain was so much deeper than Jimmy’s foolish crushes on straight men. Jimmy understood even more than before why Ryan had been so desperate to substitute Luke, a gay man who already cared for him, into the role of lover. Because it was clear that no matter the status of their romantic entanglement, Ryan would always love Zach. What they needed was to find a way to separate out the “in love” part.

“I still think you need to be honest with Zach, at least about being gay. But have you tried meeting other guys? Guys who maybe could fall for you, too?”

Ryan shook his head sadly. “Not really. Zach and I are roommates, and most times we go out together. Although I have more time on my hands now than he does, since he’s going for a postgraduate degree.”

“Good. Then between me and Luke, maybe we can at least introduce you to some other guys, ones who can become friends even if nothing else comes of it. Because, kid, I think you’re headed for a serious meltdown if you can’t figure out how to fall out of love with him.”

Ducking his head, Ryan dabbed at his eyes. Poor kid. When he lifted his head, his eyes were still shiny, but otherwise there was no hint he’d been near tears.

“Thanks,” Ryan whispered and began to nibble at his food.

Jimmy wolfed down his food before it got completely icy.

“Congratulations on the house.” Ryan picked up his half-empty mimosa and lifted it in a toast. Jimmy grinned, hiding his discomfort over Zach’s reaction, and picked up his own to clink against Ryan’s.

“Think Zach will come around?” Because if he didn’t… would Luke change his mind? The papers were signed and all, but getting out of the contract wasn’t impossible, just expensive. Jimmy didn’t care about the money, but the house was perfect, and he could see growing old there with Luke.

“Yeah, I think so.”

Jimmy hadn’t thought there would be any opposition from Zach, since he was a grown man, but he didn’t think it would be appropriate to discuss the reasons why with Ryan. If things didn’t clear up, Luke would tell him what he needed to know.

A few minutes later, Zach and Luke returned to their seats, Zach appearing abashed but no longer spitting venom.

“I’m sorry, Jimmy. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I mean, about you. I still think you guys are rushing it.”

“Zach.” Luke’s tone was sharp and masterful. Jimmy might try and copy it in the classroom, although he usually managed to keep the ravening hordes under control.

“Dad, I’m allowed to have an opinion on this. And I’m an adult. I don’t have to agree with you. I think you should wait. But I know my opinion isn’t going to carry any weight. But I was wrong to attack you, Jimmy, and I’m sorry.”

“Thank you.” Not what Jimmy hoped for, but it could be worse. Luke wasn’t thrilled either, but he bit his lip against another outburst. Besides, Zach’s words only proved he was his father’s son, blunt and honest as possible. No game playing.

“Where’d my waffles go?”

Luke’s plaintive question eased the tension, the laughter a little more raucous than the question deserved, Jimmy laughing the loudest. He was an actor, for God’s sake. He could make the rest of the world believe he wasn’t teetering on the edge of panic, because Luke wouldn’t appreciate a public scene.

The rest of the meal passed without incident, but Jimmy couldn’t stop worrying that Luke’s eagerness to live with him had been tainted by Zach’s reaction. Couldn’t stop turning scenarios over in his mind, none of which seemed to end well for their relationship.

I
T
WASN
’
T
often that Luke was glad to see the back of his son, but brunch had been more tense than he’d anticipated. They’d had spats before—almost impossible not to—but this one had blindsided him. He’d thought his son, the one who’d told him he needed get on with his life, would have been happy for him. And as far as he knew, Zach was happy that he’d found Jimmy, and liked Jimmy, but something about buying a house together put a hair up his butt, and only time would get him over it.

One look at Jimmy in the passenger seat was enough to know he’d been bothered by it, even though he’d seemed almost normal in the restaurant. One slender finger picked at a ragged piece of vinyl that had curled up beside the door handle as he stared out of the window. Worse than that, though, the entire car ride to Luke’s apartment had been silent. Jimmy was so rarely silent. Or still. Aside from those grueling few weeks at the beginning of their relationship, Jimmy was almost like a live electrical wire, bouncing and spitting with all that untapped energy. Made the sex hotter than hot, and it was probably the only reason he’d survived Dramageddon, as Jimmy had taken to calling that vortex of hell when he’d been working, performing, and coaching.

They were supposed to start packing nonessentials today. Do a little bit of celebrating in between packing the boxes. With Jimmy in this funk, Luke had no idea how the rest of the day was going to pan out. He couldn’t fault his son for having his own opinion, but he was more than mildly irritated that his son wasn’t supportive of one of the biggest milestones of his life, and definitely the biggest one since divorcing Kelly. Disheartening, in fact, when he’d assumed Zach’s support after finding out he was gay wouldn’t ever waver.

In silence, they parked the car and rode the elevator up to his floor. Luke spent the whole time wondering if he should pretend everything was okay or if he should just rip the bandage off, damn the hairs and skin.

Outside the apartment, they paused. Luke had hoped Jimmy would use his key like he lived there, like he’d been doing for weeks now. Instead, he stood there in a daze, a million miles away.

Luke reached around him to open the door. After hanging up his coat and the rainbow scarf he loved wearing, even though it was going to be too warm soon, he turned to take Jimmy’s jacket, only to see Jimmy standing at the kitchen counter, still bundled up and looking as disconsolate as he’d been the whole ride home.

Nope. No pretending everything was okay. He walked over and gently coaxed Jimmy out of his coat. He didn’t move a step while Luke hung up the coat.

“Jimmy.” Luke didn’t know what to say.

“Luke. We can still back out. We’ll lose some money, but we don’t have to buy that house.”

The words were like a fist in his stomach, and yet, they weren’t entirely unexpected.

“Is that what you want?” Luke could barely spit out the words, but it was only fair he ask. After all, it was his son who’d put a wrench in the works. Luke should have known happiness of this magnitude was too good to last.

Jimmy twisted his head away and didn’t answer. Luke’s breath came fast and shallow, making his head swim. He swayed, and brunch threatened to make a return trip. Breaking the contract on the house and losing money was nothing next to the thought that Jimmy might be throwing in the towel on the two of them entirely.

Forcing himself to breathe deeply and slowly, Luke’s equilibrium returned, and with it, some of his logical faculties. If breaking up was best for Jimmy, Luke would do it in a heartbeat, without a single grudge, even if it flayed his soul to pieces. But they were good together, better as a whole than they were apart and separate. Giving that up didn’t seem logical or wise.

He hated not knowing the answers, he hated that he was exploring uncharted waters and most of all he hated how uncertain that made him.

“Jimmy?” His mouth was dry as dust, the word cracked and crumbling.

Jimmy grasped the counter, his fingers as pale as death, and Luke knew they’d be freezing cold. Jimmy’s discomfort was enough to snap him out of his trance. In one swift move, he spun Jimmy around and held his icy hands to his chest, using his own bigger hands to warm them. The shock of the maneuver was enough to get Jimmy to look at him, eyes filled with pain and tears.

“I don’t want to cause problems between you and Zach.” Jimmy’s voice wobbled, and Luke squeezed his hands tighter. His vibrant, frenetic lover, who felt things so intensely.

“I love you, Jimmy. So much. My son will get over this, and even if he doesn’t, it’s not his decision.” Luke bit his lip for a second. Was his son the only issue, or had the foundation of their relationship cracked and Luke hadn’t noticed? “I may never have been in love before, but there is no doubt in my mind that we’re solid, and we can make it through whatever comes our way. But if you don’t feel the same way… then, yes. It’s better we know now.”

If Jimmy said they were done, Luke was going to have to find the strength—somehow—to loosen his grip on Jimmy’s hands.

Jimmy’s eyelids dropped, and a couple of tears escaped. He sucked in a great, shuddery breath and opened his eyes again.

“I love you, too, Luke. I want to live with you in our perfect house that we picked out together and—”

Jimmy slammed their lips together and pushed Luke back against the fridge.

The sudden aggression stunned Luke for as long as it took his cock to fill with blood. Opening his hands became a simple matter when the alternative was to fill his grip with the solid, muscular cheeks of Jimmy’s ass.

And once they’d recovered from this, they were going to tell the rest of their friends and family, hope they took it better than Zach had.

T
HE
TOPOGRAPHY
of both their apartments had changed to a mountainscape of boxes over the past month. It was a pain, for sure, but worth it. Jimmy couldn’t fucking wait. Aside from Zach, the rest of their friends and family trusted that even after a short time dating, they were old enough to know their own minds. It still bothered Jimmy a bit, but Zach had been very adult about it, thankfully, and Luke was determined to plow on regardless.

The timing of the move couldn’t be better either. He’d have all summer to putter around the house, helping Luke get it ready and decorating it. Sure, he had rehearsals for his next play, but this wasn’t the first time he’d be playing Hamlet, so it shouldn’t even be that stressful. Even though Luke said summer was a lot busier for him, Jimmy knew they’d be fine. Maybe Jimmy would figure out how to cook for Luke. Or at least find better delivery food than Chinese and pizza.

He’d moved a few times in his life, and he much preferred their plan of packing together, instead of tackling each of their apartments alone. Then he realized Luke was no longer singing in the living room but had moved into the bedroom.

“Oh, no. No way.” Jimmy left his half-packed box in the kitchen and ran into the bedroom. He skidded to a stop in the doorway. “Whatcha doing?”

“Nothing. Just looking for a change of pace.”

“Uh-huh. I bet you were packing your embarrassing stuff.”

Luke laughed. “I told you, I don’t have any embarrassing stuff.”

Jimmy stamped a foot. “You have to have embarrassing stuff. Everyone does.” Jimmy had thought he’d been beyond embarrassment until Luke had unearthed a box of sex toys. Toys themselves weren’t so bad, but one year Damian had decided to throw him a dildo birthday party, and everyone had brought the most outrageous dildos they could find. It had seemed a shame to throw them away, even though he was never, ever going to use any of them. Plain and simple, like the ones in his bedside table, were more his style, toy-wise. He’d boxed them up and shoved them in the back of his closet.