Raven (9 page)

Gabriella did exactly what she said she was going to do. After I went to my room, she called the attorney and filled him in on Elaine’s current situation. Within a matter of days, the hospital had a copy of the DNR, and they removed the breathing tube that same afternoon.

Once everything was gone, nothing short of a miracle took place
. Gabriella was there when it happened and stayed for the first few hours, even after I asked her to leave. Elaine didn’t die. She was breathing on her own. My snarky smirk lasted until she left that evening. She tried to take Elaine from me and I ended up winning in the long run.

The doctors said that sometimes people can be in comas for years, not on life support, but never come out. I refuse to listen to their logic.
The fact that she’s not receiving any extraordinary life saving measures but is still kicking, gives me hope. Not enough hope to allow me to leave the hospital, though.

Even though I technically won, the fear that she’ll die if I’m not here is paralyzing. Against my wishes, Gabriella
brought a few changes of clothes for me and a couple books. When she shows up to check on me, I refuse acknowledge her or even engage in the conversations she attempts to start. She even tries resorting to talking about Garrett to get me to speak, but even that doesn’t work. The sense of betrayal supersedes everything.

Twelve long, grueling days
and Elaine is still here. There have been no changes in her condition, but every miracle happens when it’s supposed to—she doesn’t need it yet. When she does, it will happen.

Stretching out as much as I can in one of the chairs the
fathers of newborns use in the maternity ward, I close my eyes in preparation for another shitty night’s sleep. A little after midnight, a loud, shrill noise pulls me out of my slumber. Rubbing my eyes and searching around the room for the culprit, it’s not until a slew of nurses and doctors flood into the room that I fully wake. Someone flips on the overhead lights and I’m temporarily blinded.

Then it dawns on me.

It’s the long, constant buzzing of the heart machine hooked up to Elaine, measuring her vitals.
No, no, no, no … this isn’t happening. I won.

Standing straight up, tossing my blanket to the ground, I run over to the doctor standing over Elaine. He’s not doing anything.
What in the actual fuck?

“Do something!” I scream in his face, drawing his attention away from her.

“Ms. Fields, there’s nothing we can do. Your aunt has a DNR.”

“
No! No, save her. Bring her back. She was fine a minute ago, she can be fine again. Do something.” Everyone, doctors and nurses, are standing around just staring at me.
Are they fucking deaf?
Searching around the room, I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t know what any of this stuff does, or doesn’t do, but I have to do something.

Climbing on top of Elaine, I start to harshly push on her chest. I took a lifeguard class a few years ago and learned CPR. This is what they should be doing—what they’re paid to do. “Is anyone going to help me? Please, do something.” I continue to administer chest compressions, pausing to bend forward and blow breaths of mine into Elaine’s mouth.

Strong arms wrap around my waist and try to pull me down. Pushing them away, swatting whoever gets close to me, I try my hardest to bring her back. “You’re all useless. First do no harm my ass. Dammit. Someone help me.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see the elderly nurse that was so nice to me when Elaine was brought in.

“Nina, please. Help me. Save her,” I call out to her. Nina puts her head down, a few tears stream down her cheeks as she shakes her head. “No, please, Nina. You’re better than them. You save people. Save her.”

An extremely tall doctor finally wrestles me off the bed and back into the chair. As soon as he lets me down, I try to get back up but a nurse walks over to me with a syringe in her hand. “Oh, hell no! Get the fuck away from me!” I frantically scream, kicking at anyone who tries to get close.

Nina walks behind me
and turns off the machine that’s still screaming, alerting me to the fact that Elaine’s heart isn’t beating anymore. Kneeling next to me, she takes my hand, and for some reason I allow it. She’s the only one that has permission to touch me.

“Sweet girl, you’re gonna have to calm yourself. This nurse over here,” she nods in the direction of the one holding the syringe, “she’s gonna give you some medication to relax if you can’t do it yourself. I know you’re upset, but you gotta work with us here. Tell me what you need, lamb.”

Scanning the faces of everyone in the room, I suddenly realize that they all feel for me. Nobody is looking at me in disgust or anger, but in sadness and pain. Starting to cry, I squeeze Nina’s hand and whisper what I need. “Can I have the shot, please? I don’t wanna deal with this yet.”

Nina nods again in the direction of her syringe carrying partner in crime
, who hands it off to Nina, for which I’m thankful. I don’t know the other nurse and Nina wouldn’t ever hurt me. A small prick on my upper thigh and it’s only moments before the room starts to fade and then everything goes black.

****

Waking up in the dark, a warm hand rests on mine. Taking in my surroundings, it’s apparent I’m in an exam room, hooked up to monitors and it’s Gabriella who sits to my side. I’ve never been groggier in my life. Pulling away from her, I sit up, stretch my muscles and take the little monitor off my finger while getting out of bed. My movements wake up Gabriella who’s now staring at me with eyes full of emotion.

“I’m so sorry, Rian. The hospital called me after they sedated you. I came right over.”

“You didn’t have to.” When you can feel anger, why would you choose grief? She pushed for this—pulling Elaine off life support. It’s her fault she’s dead.

“Sweetheart, I’ve talked with the hospital and started making arrangements for Elaine’s funeral. I’ll take care of everything. We can have you packed up and moved into our house by the weekend. I don’t want you to worry about anything.”

“Are you serious? I’m not moving in with you and I don’t want your help with anything for Elaine. I have my own money and since it’s just me, her
only
family, there’s no need for a funeral. I’ll have a ceremony for her and that’s it. You’re not welcome. I’d like you to leave.” Remembering the guilt from the things I said to my mom, I almost apologize, but I need this anger. If not, I’ll have to admit how broken I am.

Gabriella turned on me. She was supposed to be on my side, have my back for whatever I needed. I need Elaine alive. I need someone to be with me and she took that. All she had to do was not say shit about the DNR and we wouldn’t be here. There’s no forgiving her for this. Gabriella stole my only family away from me.

“Rian,” she starts, but I cut her off.

“No. Please just leave. I’m going home.” I press the call button on the side of my bed. It
takes me a second, but apparently I’m also hooked to an IV and I don’t know how to take it out.

When Nina walks in, her eyes plead with me, but I can’t take much more. “Nina, can you please take my IV out so I can go home?”

“Let me ask the doc. You were given a pretty heavy dose of sedation and I’m not sure if you can drive yet.”

“I’ll drive her, if need be.”

“No, I’d rather wait until I can drive on my own. It was nice seeing you again, Gabriella.” Faking niceties in front of Nina isn’t on my agenda, but I can’t deal with all these disapproving eyes on me. It’s just too much. All I can see are my mom’s eyes. Those memories are flooding back and pushing me nearly to the breaking point. If I wasn’t scared of being like Tom, I’d have a shot … or seven.

Gathering her purse, Gabriella heads out the door, pausing to look back at me. “If you need anything, sweetheart, I’m only a phone call away.” I nod to appease her, knowing damn well that I could be on fire and I wouldn’t call her to put me out.
Pride’s a funny thing like that.

It’s two more hours before the doctor allow
s me to leave and drive on my own. He gave me a few samples of some anti-anxiety medication to get me through this, if I need it. I’m sure I will, but for now I’ll leave it tucked away in my purse.

Walking in the front door of the apartment, loneliness hits me harder than I thought. Not even eighteen and I live alone. I’m not sure what I should do about the apartmen
t … live here and finish school? Move somewhere else and go to school? Forget about school all together? It’s something I’ll have to think about. I’ll have to decide what I’m going to do going forward.

I have enough money
left from my mom’s estate to get me by for a little while. If I’m cheap and learn to live on a budget, I’m sure it can last me a couple years paying bills and rent.

Once in my bedroom, I dump my purse to find the pills the hospital gave me. The letter I wrote to Garrett three weeks ago falls out last, on top of everything else. I never mailed it. I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was the last time I heard Elaine’s voice. Even though she was scared and in the middle of a heart attack, it was unique to her and I’ll never hear it again.

I rip open the envelope, deciding to not send it now. It doesn’t make sense to send him something that’s a lie. I’m not going to be swimming on a team and there’s no happiness left in my life. The only thing holding me together is knowing in a few short weeks, Garrett will be back and I can hold him.

Garrett. I wonder if he wrote me. I haven’t checked the mail at all
; I’m sure it’s overflowing by now. Taking the small key, I open the box in the common area of the building, pulling out stacks of letters and such. Back inside the apartment, I separate them into piles—junk, bills and other stuff. All the way at the bottom is a letter postmarked a week ago from the training base in Oklahoma.

He wrote me and it’s been sitting here for a week. Holding the letter to my chest, it’s comforting to know that he’s touched this. His fingerprints are all over the envelope and his saliva’s on the little strip of glue holding it closed. It’s the closest I’ve felt to him since the moment he left.

Pulling the letter from inside, Garrett’s handwriting stares back at me. Feeling like I need privacy, even though it’s just me—only ever going to be me again—I take it back to my room. I decide to take a shower and change before I read it. I know it sounds silly, but it’s like a book you’ve fallen in love with … you postpone reading the last few pages because you don’t want it to end. That’s how I feel. Once the letter’s finished, it won’t be new and it’ll be over. I want to make this last forever.

Rushing through the only real shower I’ve taken since the whole DNR discovery, I wash my hair and scrub my body. No matter how little time you actually spend in the hospital, you always leave smelling like death. When my hair’s clean and my body’s a nice shade of pink, I wrap myself in a towel and go back to my room.

Staring at the letter sitting on the comforter, I throw on a pair of Garrett’s basketball shorts and tee shirt he sprayed with his cologne before he left. Since I’m going to be close to him, I want the full effect. As soon as the scent of Garrett invades my senses, I’m taken back to the weekend we spent together before he left. A smile crosses my lips as I flop onto my bed and start reading the letter.

Ri,

Hi baby. I got a letter from my mom today telling me about Elaine. I’m so sorry, baby. I wish I was there to hold you and tell you everything will be okay. Mom also told me about the fight you guys had. I hope you can make up soon. I love you both and don’t wanna choose sides. I get it, though. Both sides. Just try to understand, for me, that she was doing what she thought was best.

I do have some kinda bad news, but it’s good news
, too. The bad part is I won’t be coming home right after basic. I’m going right to job training. It’s a longer course and they want me to start right away. I know it seems bad right now, but it’s gonna set us up for a good life when I’m done. The training is like 26 weeks or something like that. I’ll know more once I’m there. I might get a few days leave, but I’m not exactly sure of when or how long, if that’s even true.

School starts soon anyway and you’ll be busy. Even if I took a job that didn’t have long training, I’d only get a couple days between basic and AIT. Please know I’m doing this for us. I love you and please write me. I need to hear from you.

I love you baby,

Garrett

Twenty-six more weeks? Well, twenty eight if you count the two he has left of BT. That’s like six more months that I have to go without seeing him. He knows everything that I’m going through and he still decides to do this? I don’t even know what to say. I thought, out of everyone I’ve lost, I’d still have him. That’s a lie. Garrett knows that I need him and he chose the Army over me.
Is this how it will always be?

I quickly strip out of his clothes, the smell of him making my stomach ache, and put on something of mine that doesn’t reek of
Garrett. Curling up in a ball under the blankets, I allow myself to feel everything that’s going on around me. I’m giving myself one day. Just one to be the seventeen-year-old child I am, because tomorrow is a new day and I’m not going to be sad or lonely.

I’m going to make a life for myself. Take care of myself
without
anyone’s help. Fuck anyone who stands in my way.