Raven (8 page)

Chapter
11

The last three days
have been a series of ups and downs. The next morning, I arrived back at the hospital and found the breathing tube back. Apparently, Elaine had some complications through the night and wasn’t breathing that well on her own. From everything I’m told, that’s not a good sign. It means there may be some significant damage to one or more parts of her brain.

Gabriella insists on coming with me each day to the hospital, determined to be there for me no matter what I need. It’s comforting, but also a stone cold reminder than it’s not her that I want … it’s her son.

Today is the day that the neurologist will repeat the brain scans, checking for any sign of progress—or decline in function. I’ve been praying non-stop that they’re going to see something that gives us a sign of hope. With so many factors giving us doubt of that fact, it’s really hard to stay optimistic.

“Do you wanna grab some lunch while they do their thing?” Gabriella asks, distracting me from my latest prayer as the team of doctors walk in the room.

“Yeah, I guess we can do that,” I respond, not really wanting to leave the room; I’m not going to be any kind of good company.

The thought of food has my stomach
somersaulting. I need to make an effort, though. Gabriella won’t let up until she knows that I’m taking care of myself. Leaving the room, we go to the hospital cafeteria. She must have had the feeling that I wouldn’t want to leave the building, just in case they need me for anything.

Over the next hour, I pick at my salad while Gabriella talks about something I can’t make myself understand. Not because it’s difficult, but my mind is somewhere else. She’s trying to distract me, keeping me focused on something other than the doctors prodding and probing my aunt upstairs. I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s not working. Instead, I smile and nod every few minutes to make her think I’m engaged in the conversation. If there’s a pop quiz at the end, I’m going to be in trouble.

“You still with me, sweetheart?” Gabriella asks. I guess I’m terrible at this pretending to listen game. I’m probably going to want to work on that.

“Yeah, sorry, I’m here. Just thinking.”

“Don’t worry until you have a reason to. Too many times I see people worrying about things they can’t control and that doesn’t do any good for anyone. You wait until those doctors tell you what’s going on with her and then
we’ll go from there.”

“You sound just like Garrett,” I say, remembering all the times Garrett’s had to calm me down from something or another. My heart melts, knowing he learned so much of who he is from his mother. If I’m being honest, I’m pretty jealous, too.

“He’s a good boy. Four weeks is gonna go by faster than you think, sweetheart.”

After another
twenty minutes of her trying to keep my mind off the inevitable, we’re throwing away our trash and headed back up to Elaine’s room. We have to wait outside for another ten minutes while the doctors finish up and talk about their findings. As hard as I try to listen through the door to what they’re saying, it’s a lost effort. Doctors are excellent at using muffled voices and words that I don’t understand.

When the main doctor finally exits, his face is grim and the few pieces of lettuce I was able to eat at lunch threaten to come back up.

“We’re done with the tests. Would you two please follow me to my office to discuss Ms. Fields’s prognosis?” He doesn’t wait for a response and starts walking away. Gabriella and I trade glances, only to follow him like lost puppies.

He must be one of the big shots at the hospital. As soon as we enter his office, a large mahogany desk sits on the far wall with more plaques and fancy looking pieces of paper behind frames than I can count. Also, these are the kinds of chairs they need in the waiting rooms and for the family to sit in while in the rooms of admitted patients. Large, leather and luxurious are the words that come to mind. Sinking in the one closest to the wall, Gabriella takes hers and grabs hold of my hand.

For the first time since this entire ordeal, I’m happy it’s Gabriella instead of Garrett with me. Something about this situation screams that I’ll need a mother’s love. When she squeezes my hand and plasters a tight-lipped smile on her face, I know that’s exactly what I’m getting.

“Rian. Do you mind if I call you Rian?”

“No, that’s fine. And this is Gabriella, a friend of the family.”

“Okay, so all of the testing we’ve done today concludes that your aunt did in fact experience a significant loss of oxygen. The numbers we recorded three days ago have decreased. So much so, that we’ve called for the head of the department to come examine her, but we believe her to be in a permanent vegetative state, with little to no chance of recovering.” The doctor pauses, giving me time for all of this to sink in.

“What is the next step?” Gabriella asks the doctor. When she passes me a glance, she silently tells me that she’ll take care of this, which is great because I’m not so sure I can actually speak over the large lump in the back of my throat.

“Well, once we have the department head examine her, we’ll more than likely suggest removing the breathing tube and calling in hospice.”

“She’ll die,” I cry, unable to control myself.

“Rian, I understand you’re upset. I wish very much the situation wasn’t as severe as it is, but we have to do what’s best for your aunt. As you’re her only living relative, you will be the one directing us in her care. We can’t force you to make any decisions
, or guide you in them, but we
can
give you all the information you need to make the right choice.”

At seventeen, how the hell am I the one supposed to say if I want my aunt to live or die
? There has to be someone else, another relative who’s living that can direct the hospital on what to do. Racking my brain, I can’t come up with anyone. Elaine never married or had children. Both my grandparents died when I was very young and my mother was her only sibling. I don’t know about any cousins or anything, and I probably don’t have the time to start investigating.

“Doctor, Rian is only seventeen years old. She’s still a minor. How can this be her responsibility? There has to be another way.” Squeezing Gabriella’s hand, I thank her for saying what I’m feeling.

“It does become tricky with Rian being under eighteen, but after looking into some case studies over the last few days, in the State of Kentucky, she’s able to make decisions as if she’s an adult.” The doctor faces me and asks questions I have no idea how to answer—things about living wills, attorneys and power of attorney. I shake my head, not knowing any of the information.

“We’ll look around. I’m sure we’ll find something. No decisions will be made until we get all this situated.” Gabriella eyes him
sternly, protecting me the best she can. I’m beyond thankful.

I excuse myself, going back to Elaine’s room while Gabriella stays behind and talks with the doctor. Taking Elaine’s hand, I beg her to wake up and prove them all wrong. There’s no doubt I can take care of myself if need be, but I don’t want to be alone. I want to have her waiting on me when I get home from
school—yelling at me for trying to use Mom’s money to pay bills so she can take a day off, bitching about stupid teenage problems—not being on my own and having nobody.

****

“I think I found something,” I call to Gabriella from Elaine’s bedroom. A stack of papers inside the top drawer of her dresser look to have been sent by an attorney’s office. I’ve never heard of the lawyer, but all the papers have Elaine’s name printed on them, so they’re not any kind of solicitation. She knew these people.

“Let me see.” Gabriella holds her hand out and I give her the information I found. She scans the documents quickly, looking for something, but I have no idea what. You could put all those things the doctor said to look for in front of my face and I’d have no idea if I had it or not.

Pulling one of the documents from the stack, she sets it on the bed while she keeps searching for only God knows what. Picking it up, I read over the form that’s signed and dated by three different people. It’s so formal, there’s even one of those county seals on it, like you would see on a birth certificate.

“What does DNR mean?”

“Do not resuscitate,” she whispers. I don’t understand the significance of those words. Is this what the power of attorney looks like? Am I off the hook for making the decision for her? Angling my head to the side, I search her face that’s just as sad as mine was earlier. “Sweetheart.” Gabriella pulls me to her and gently rubs my back.

“Is this what the doctor was looking for?”

“Rian, it means that Elaine doesn’t want any extreme measures keeping her alive. I believe that means the breathing machine.”

My heart stops and falls to rest in the bottom of my stomach. I’m the worst human being alive. We’ve been here searching for anything that tells me and the hospital that I won’t have to be the one to make the decisions and we’ve just found the smoking gun. This stupid, single sheet of paper decides her fate and I’m off the hook. Why don’t I feel better?

“Ri, are you okay? You’re really pale.” I sit on the edge of the bed, putting my head between my knees and hands on the back of my head. Breathing deep and fast, I try to calm my racing heart. All I have to do is not give this to the hospital and they’ll never know—it’s my little secret. I can keep her alive. That’s my decision, I’ll keep her alive. The breathing tube stays and she won’t die. Everything will turn around eventually, I just need more time.

“It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart,” Gabriella says in an attempt to comfort me. Little does she know how okay everything will be once I tell her my plan. She’s on my side and she’ll have my back.

“We’re not going to give this to them. I’m going to keep the breathing machine in and we can wait until her brain gets better and she wakes up. That’s my decision.” I feel so much better already, like a weight is lifted from my chest and the panic slinks back to wherever it came from.

“That’s not the way it works, Rian. The DNR means you don’t get a decision anymore. You don’t have to decide anything for anyone.” She’s trying to be helpful, but she’s just pissing me off.

“No, Gabriella. We don’t have to give this to them. They never have to know. The doctor said I’m the only one able to make her decisions and this is the one I’m making. She lives.”

“Rian, this is what
she
wanted.
Elaine
didn’t want to live on life support. If she’s gone, and that’s what the doctors already think, we have to honor her wishes and let her go.”
Gone
? She’s not fucking gone; she’s lying in a hospital bed depending on me to help her. I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise.

“You’re wrong.
Gabriella, we don’t have to tell them. It will be fine, it’s our secret.” I rip the DNR up in front of her face, letting the tiny pieces fall to the floor and I give her a “now what” smile. Now there’s no proof of this and it’s her word against mine. I’m the only living relative, they have to believe me.

Gabriella stands from the bed, pulls me in for a hug that I try my hardest to wiggle out of, but she overpowers me. Squeezing and kissing the top of my head. “Her attorney has a copy of this document, Rian. All you’ve done is make this more difficult. I know you don’t understand now, but you will someday. I’m going to make the call and have the lawyers send over a new copy to the hospital. I’ll be with you every step of the way. You can be mad at me, hate me even, but this is the right thing to do. Elaine wouldn’t have signed that document if she wanted all this extra stuff.”

If I wasn’t in such a death grip, I would have slapped her.
Who the hell does she think she is?
Gabriella isn’t even my family and here she is, being all self-righteous and making decisions she has no business making. I can’t let her take Elaine from me. Who will I have left if she dies?

After a few more minutes, she releases me. It takes everything in me to not strike. The only reason I don’t is because I know Garrett will never forgive me for hitting his mom. Instead, I
attack with my words. “You’re heartless, you know that? If you tell anyone about this or call the lawyers, I’ll never forgive you. If you take Elaine from me, I’ll never talk to you again. Even when Garrett and I are married, I won’t want anything to do with you,” I cry, not knowing how else to deal with all of these emotions.

Feeling like the world’s worst person after seeing the pain in her eyes with my last statement, I cover my face. Mostly embarrassed, but partially angry, I let the tears fall onto my shirt.

“If blaming me helps you cope with this, Rian, that’s okay. I’ll take it. This should have never been anything you had to deal with and I promise you that I’m going to be here. I won’t leave you, Rian. When you marry my son, you’re going to be my daughter and I’ll take care of you. But if you need to be angry with me, that’s okay, just let me take care of you.”

I run
out of Elaine’s room into mine and throw myself on the bed. The picture on my nightstand of me when I was younger stares at me, almost disapproving. I flip it over, refusing to look at a time when I had not a care in the world.

Things have changed drastically since that moment and they’ll never be the same.