Reason to Breathe (48 page)

He grabbed my hand after he stepped down, and
we slowly made our way along the side of the house until we reached
the corner. I heard the television through the closed window above
our heads and stiffened. Evan nodded his head, encouraging me to
follow him. I hugged the front of the house, under the large
glowing glass that peered into the living room. I knew how close
they were and held my breath.

Just then, a flood light lit up across the
street, exposing us in the shadows of the house. Evan grabbed my
arm and pulled me against him in the dark corner that connected
with the wall of the front foyer. I heard his quickened breath, or
maybe it was mine. I bit my lip, inhaling quickly when Carol peeked
through the curtain to investigate. She let the curtain fall,
uninterested when she saw the neighbor getting into his car.

Evan released me when the car drove down the
street, out of sight. I let out a small burst of air. He smiled. I
widened my eyes, shocked by his reaction. He pushed his lips
together to keep from laughing. I hit his arm in frustration.

Evan grabbed my hand again and rushed across
the front yard. We jogged past a few houses before slowing to a
walk. I jumped when I heard his voice.

“You thought we were going to get caught,
didn’t you?”

“No,” I snapped. “But I can’t believe you
thought that was funny.”

“I wouldn’t say it was
funny
,” he
stated. “Well… maybe it was. I’ve never had to sneak out before so
I did find it… entertaining.”

I was still trying to convince myself that
I’d made it out safely. I wasn’t as amused. Evan put his arm around
my shoulder, pulling me toward him. I looked up at his calm
grinning face and my anxiety melted away. I released a small smile
and leaned my head onto his shoulder.

“It’s been too long since you’ve been exposed
to something new,” Evan noted, sitting across from me on the top of
the twisted climbing structure in the park.

“This was something new. I’ve never snuck out
before. I guess your bad influence over me hasn’t changed.”

The whites of Evan’s teeth reflected in the
subtle light.

“I still can’t believe you snuck out of your
house,” he said with a chuckle.

“What other choice did I have?” I defended,
still not as amused as Evan.

“You didn’t have to see me.”

“Yes I did.”

He leaned forward to kiss me, and my heart
skipped in anticipation of the touch of his lips. I leaned in to
meet him. Before I could reach him, my legs slipped through the
hole that they were dangling in. I fell to the ground, landing on
my feet with a thud. I groaned in frustration.

“Are you okay?” Evan smiled, looking down at
me.

“Yes,” I huffed. He slid down, landing in
front of me. Still grinning, he put his arms around my waist and
playfully rocked my hips from side to side.

“That was pretty funny.” He casually bent
down to kiss me.

“Great,” I grunted, turning my head away. It
was impossible to remain frustrated with his teasing when I felt
the warmth of his kiss on my neck. I inhaled as he pulled me
closer, and I wrapped my hands around the backs of his firm
arms.

The fluttering rushed from my stomach and
through my head as I turned to intercept his lips. They delicately
slid across mine, inching with a slow sensual pace, causing a
warmth to spread through my chest. I slid my arms around to grip
his back and pulled myself closer. His hands ran into my hair as
his pace quickened with my breath. When he slipped away, I kept my
eyes closed, resting my head against him while still holding him
tightly. His chest moved beneath me as he attempted to catch his
breath.

“What should we do next Sunday?” I asked,
releasing my grasp and jogging over to the swings. My sudden
departure must have caught him off guard, because he wasn’t behind
me when I turned around to sit on the plastic seat.

“Um…” he considered, walking toward me. “Let
me think about it.” Evan sat on the swing next to mine with a
contemplative smirk.

“I wouldn’t mind going back to the batting
cages,” I suggested. “But I’m sure you don’t want to do that since
you play baseball all week.”

“I’ll come up with something,” he promised.
“Speaking of going back, I think we’re good enough friends now for
you to tell me who your first kiss was.”

My heart skipped a beat.

“You still want to know?” I questioned.

“He doesn’t go to our school, right?” Evan
inquired, answering my question with his.

“No.” I shook my head. “I met him last
summer, when I went to Maine with Sara. He doesn’t even know where
I really live.”

“Nice,” he declared with a smile. “You’re
first kiss is a guy who knows nothing about you.”

“Well, I didn’t lie about
everything
,”
I defended.

“Poor guy.” Evan laughed. “But you just
kissed him, right?” I recognized the concern wrapped in his
question.

“You know that answer,” I replied. “But, what
about you? I mean, I know you didn’t do anything with Haley, but
you never said…”

I couldn’t come right out and directly ask
him if he’d had sex. Did I really want to know? That question left
me torn – part of me was curious, while the other couldn’t imagine
him being with someone else.

Evan was quiet for a moment. I almost asked
him not to answer – to forget I’d asked.

“She was my best friend in San Francisco,” he
confessed before I could withdraw my question. My heart tightened,
not prepared for his answer. “We were really great friends for over
a year before deciding to date. We trusted each other, and it
eventually happened last summer. But it was never the same after.
We should have just stayed friends, and both of us knew it - but it
was too late.”

“Beth?” I whispered, recalling him mentioning
her the night I met his parents.

“Yes.”

“Oh,” I replied, looking down, unable to say
anything else.

“Does that bother you?” he asked
cautiously.

I shrugged. “I didn’t know you, and…” I
hesitated. “I guess it’s still hard to think of you being with
another girl.”

“I know,” he replied, relating to my
discomfort. A twinge of guilt shot through me.

“Do you still care about her? I mean… did you
see her when you went back?” The anticipation of his answer caused
my stomach to knot up.

Evan stopped his subtle swaying on his swing
and turned toward me with a calm, still face.

“I’ve never felt like I do for you… for
anyone
,” he vowed. “Beth and I were friends. I cared about
her, but I didn’t… It’s not even remotely the same.”

I swallowed hard, unable to speak.

“She moved to Japan with her family in
December, so no, I didn’t see her.” The silence that followed was
more uncomfortable than I could bear.

“I have an idea,” I declared a little too
loudly, as I shot out of my swing. Evan sat up straight in response
to my sudden burst of energy.

“Is your car parked here?” I asked, looking
toward the street that ran along the park.

“Yeah, it’s over there.” He pointed to the
silhouette of the sports car.

“Do you have a blanket or something?”

“I have a sleeping bag in the trunk,” he
offered suspiciously.

“Can you please get it?” I requested with a
smirk. Without inquiring further, Evan ran to get the sleeping
bag.

I took it from him and walked to the outfield
of the baseball field to open it on the ground. Evan watched
curiously.

“I know you’re going to think this is
strange. Sara and I used to do this all the time, and I love doing
it, especially when the stars are so bright.”

I stood a few steps away from the sleeping
bag and looked up at the sky.

“You focus on a single star,” I explained, as
I searched for my spot. “Then you spin around, staring at that one
star, until you can’t stand anymore.” I started spinning to
demonstrate. “Then you lie down to watch the stars spinning above
you while your star remains still.”

I stopped, catching my step, searching for
Evan. He observed my demonstration with an amused smirk.

“You don’t want to try?”

“No, but you can go ahead,” he encouraged
with a small laugh. He sat down on the sprawled sleeping back to
witness my ridiculousness. After spinning, I lay next to him to
watch the stars circling above me.

“You’re missing out,” I told him, as the
earth swayed beneath my still body. He laughed.

My view of the streaking lights became
obstructed when he leaned over me. The earth remained whirling
beneath me, but it had nothing to do with spinning in circles.

I walked along my dark street, having left
Evan a few houses back. The grin on my face felt permanent. The
buzz still lingered from our night in the park. I slowly looked
around, recognizing I was only a house away from mine. I took a
deep breath in attempt to sober up.

The dark windows reduced the fear of being
detected as I crept along the shadows to the side of the house
where the trash cans awaited me. I held my breath and grabbed the
handles on either side of the metal cylinder, lifting it with more
force than was necessary. The empty can gave way easily, causing me
to stumble backwards.

I recovered before bumping into the bags full
of leaves set along the fence. I gently placed it under my window
and used the milk crate to step on top of the can. In my post-Evan
delirium, I neglected to place my feet on the edges - the metal lid
popped under my weight. The deep echo rang loudly in the night. I
tensed, holding on to the window sill, listening.

After a prolonged ear numbing silence, I
pushed the window up. My heart stopped. It wouldn’t move. I
swallowed. My stomach was in my throat. I pushed it again as hard
as I could. I nearly fell from the can when the window gave way and
slid up. I grabbed the ledge to steady myself. With my hands on the
windowsill, I lifted myself and tilted head first through the open
window. I walked my hands along the floor then slowly lowered each
leg from the sill.

I lay on the floor of my room, panting in
relief. After a moment of listening for a stir upstairs, I moved to
close the window. I removed the duffle bag from my bed and set it
gently on the floor of my closet. I hung my coat on the back of the
chair at the desk and slipped my shoes off. I crawled onto the bed,
sinking into the mattress with an exhausted sigh and a smile,
easily drifting to sleep.

~~~~~

“Let’s go,” Carol declared loudly.

I shot up in my bed, dazed and
disoriented.

“Did you sleep in your clothes?” she
observed.

It took a moment to fight through the
lingering sleep to realize that she was standing at the end of my
bed with the door open behind her. I lifted the comforter to
examine my attire.

“Oh, uh,” I stumbled. “I must have fallen
asleep reading.”

She eyed me suspiciously and glanced around
my room. I held my breath, fearing she saw through my lie.

“Well, you missed out on your shower,” she
announced. “We’re leaving in ten minutes. You’d better be ready.”
She walked out of my room, closing the door behind her. I sat in my
bed for half a minute, releasing the pressure in my lungs. Then I
recalled my night with Evan, and the smile resurfaced on my
face.

32.
The Question

“That’s a pretty nasty burn,” Coach Straw observed when she saw me
on the stairs leading to the locker room. I pressed my arm to my
side to conceal the deep red streak that still had blisters along
it.

“I guess,” I mumbled, not looking up at her,
wishing I had long sleeves to pull down over it.

Coach Straw paused to look at me. Her
scrutinizing glare made my stomach turn anxiously. She slowly
nodded her head with a “Hmph.”

“I’ll see you outside,” she declared
dismissively, passing me on the stairs.

I hesitated, considering her stoic
response.

“Are you coming?” Sara questioned, sauntering
past me.

“Yeah,” I said, snapping back from my
paranoid thoughts.

“I cannot tell you how relieved I was to get
your text yesterday,” Sara announced on our way to the track.

“I told you not to worry.”

“Yeah,” she teased, “and you saying it makes
it that easy too.”

I laughed, recalling the years I must have
aged in the two minutes it took to escape my room. I shared the
late night’s adventures with Sara while we jogged our warm up laps
around the track.

“Wow,” she responded slowly. “I guess I
shouldn’t be surprised that he’s had sex. But were you?”

“Sort of,” I admitted. “It shouldn’t matter.
It’s not like he has a list or anything. But it’s still strange to
think of him with someone else.”

“You don’t think he feels the same way
thinking about you and Drew? And he has to see Drew every day.”

“I know,” I replied, overtaken by a swarm of
guilt. “But I was never going to go
that far
with Drew.”

“Do you think you will with Evan?” she asked,
grinning in anticipation to my answer.

My face flushed just thinking about it.

“You’ve thought about it, haven’t you?” Sara
accused when I didn’t respond.

I shrugged and pressed my lips together,
fighting to conceal my embarrassed smile.

“We haven’t been together that long,” I
replied when I found my voice again.

“But you’ve known each other just about all
year,” she argued. “And just because you didn’t admit it, you were
stupid for each other from almost day one. So even though you’ve
been
dating
for a couple of weeks, you’ve been each other’s
person for a lot longer.”

I didn’t respond. We jogged in silence until
the coach blew the whistle to have us gather around for further
training instructions. I was distracted for the remainder of
practice. Sara’s question followed me to bed that night, causing me
to lie awake in the dark, contemplating the answer.