Reverie (Hollow Hearts Book 1) (12 page)

Isaac watched from a distance as Joshua said his farewells to Hetty. He knew he shouldn’t watch the simple exchange between them, but he couldn’t help himself. He’d wanted to see for himself if the exchange looked to be happening between friends or if, as his gut told him, it was the beginning of a courtship.

Joshua was a gentleman to walk her to the door, but Isaac felt his insides nearly retch when he’d watched the man kiss Hetty’s hand.
He’d kissed her!
The man’s lips had touched her sweet skin, and Isaac wished that the pleasure of such a simple gesture was his and his alone. He ached to know that some other man, someone not as foolish as he had been, engaged Hetty in ways he wished he could.
How have I gone from wishing to avoid women altogether to praying this one girl would just look at me?
Oh, he wanted her to look at him. Not the way she’d looked at Joshua—with kindness and friendship—but with passion. He wanted Hetty to look at him with fire and yearning and devotion—all the things coursing through him at that very moment. He wanted her to want him in the same way he wanted her...forever.

He left his spying post in the yard and made his way to the porch. Hetty was still standing there—her eyes closed—as she breathed in the fresh air.

Isaac climbed the steps, his hands in his pockets. “Did you have a nice time?”

Hetty opened her eyes, unaware that Isaac had been watching her for the last several minutes. “I did. Thank you, sir.”

Isaac couldn’t do it any longer. He didn’t care if he needed to beg, he wanted this coldness between them to end.

“Hetty, please don’t call me ‘sir.’ Listen, I’m sorry...”

She shook her head, indicating she did not want to have this conversation, but Isaac needed her forgiveness. “Isaac...”

“No, please. Let me finish. I am deeply sorry for the way I reacted and the things I said the other night. They were cruel and uncalled for. You did nothing wrong. I don’t want things to be tense between us. I made a mistake and I need to own up to it. Please, Hetty, please forgive me.” His eyes pierced her. 

Hetty looked down. Something about the desperation in his voice made it nearly impossible to look at those dark eyes. “I want to believe you, Isaac, but...”

He moved beside her, gently took both of her hands in his and whispered, “Then believe me.”

What was he doing? She felt herself going weak even with such a simple touch. She got the faintest hint of his earthy scent and willed herself to keep looking away. She knew that if she looked in the man’s eyes she might not be able to control the urge to pull closer to him, to lay her head on his firm chest, to give in. But she didn’t want to mistake his kindness for something…more. Oh, how she wanted to believe he felt something for her, too, but she didn’t dare. His words the other night made his feelings perfectly clear.

“Why did you say those things in the first place?” She wasn’t sure if she’d even spoken the question loud enough for him to hear.

“Because I was jealous.” He let go of one of her hands and tilted her chin so she would meet his eyes. “Because I wanted it to be me touching you.”

Without a moment’s hesitation he lowered his lips to hers. He felt her nervousness.
Had she never been kissed?
Despite her unease, he felt her begin to relax. He teased her lips with his, tasting every ounce of her sweetness.
Like honey,
he thought. She opened her mouth slightly and Isaac accepted the invitation to inhale the untouched aroma of her innocence.

Hetty didn’t know if this was really happening. How had she gone from saying goodbye to one man to melting in the arms of another? Isaac’s fingers gently touched the skin of her neck and she let a small moan escape. Her skin tingled in every place he touched, and she allowed herself to kiss him back—the taste of him so natural to her, so rousing to parts of her yet to be awakened. This was like a dance. A perfect rhythmic dance of sensuality. His hands caressing her neck, his tongue teasing her formerly untouched lips. She had no desire for him to stop. But she needed him to do just that.

Just then Hetty came to her senses and gently pushed him away. “I’m sorry.”

Isaac looked at her. “Why? Why are you sorry?”

“That was completely inappropriate. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You didn’t do that, Hetty. I did.” He tried to move toward her again, hoping for another moment where she’d let herself go.

“No. You’re my employer. This can’t happen, Isaac. I’m sorry.”

“Just tell me why, Hetty.” He began moving his fingers through her hair.

Hetty couldn’t let herself get distracted by him. By his touch. By the intimate feelings running through her. “Because I don’t want you to think even for a moment that I have any intention of taking advantage of your family. I work here and I need to remember that.” She removed his hand and, within seconds, was inside the house, leaving Isaac alone.

Isaac laid in bed that night thinking of the girl just downstairs. By the time he’d composed himself and entered the house she’d already disappeared to her room. He expected her to join them for supper or sit with them while they read from the family Bible, but she’d remained locked in her room, telling them she was tired from the day.  He wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened. No, that wasn’t true. He wanted to relive that delicious kiss over and over again. What he did want was for Hetty not to regret their moment. Yes, she was an employee. But denying the chemistry between them had failed. She wasn’t betrothed to Joshua. She wasn’t officially courting. She was a woman and he was a man.

Isaac turned to his side, letting the darkness of the room surround him as doubt crept in. Yes, he was a man. But, was he a good man? Was he the man to give her the future, the home she deserved? Was he the man to make her dreams a reality—a house, children, and security? Could he do right by her? And would she ever look at him the same if she knew the truth of what happened to Rachel, his brother’s wife?

Isaac knew she wouldn’t. Nobody would. If Elias knew what had actually killed Rachel he’d never forgive him. His mother, in all her accepting ways, would never understand what he’d done. And, sweet Hetty, who’d given him the only first kiss she’d ever have, deserved so much more than the man he was. No, he wasn’t a good man. He was damaged. And the best thing he could do was let her go. So why was his heart telling him to do the opposite?

Hetty worked outside on the day’s laundry. Monday was her usual washing day, and with the extra quilts from Saturday’s apple festival she struggled to keep up her usual pace. She dipped her hands in the scalding water and used every muscle she could to rid Elias’s shirt of grime.
How does one person’s clothing get so dirty?
she thought. Ranch work certainly wasn’t clean work with dust, mud, and various other substances coating every inch of clothing she washed of his, but his clothing seemed even dirtier than she expected. Lottie, not wanting to be left out of the ‘fun,’ sat beside Hetty with her own small bucket of suds. She happily attempted to wash her doll’s clothes in the same way Hetty washed the family’s clothes.

The sky was covered in dark clouds and Elizabeth had mentioned that morning that she wouldn’t be surprised to see snow falling by the next day. Normally Hetty loved the idea of the season’s first snow. When she’d worked for Mrs. Calhoun she’d always spent the first snow relaxing the day away with a good book. Mrs. Calhoun, though grouchy in her usual manner, seemed almost like a child with the first snow. She’d cancel her plans for the day, be sure fires were making each room of the house as cozy as possible, and give Hetty the day off. She’d request Sol make her favorite chicken soup from her childhood and she’d spend her afternoon lost in a dime novel—the only time she’d read such “rubbish” as she called it. Hetty smiled at the memory, thinking maybe she’d find her own little tradition to celebrate the first snow on the ranch.  She tried to find any memories or thoughts to distract her from the kiss she and Isaac shared the previous evening, which was difficult since he was walking nearby with Elizabeth.

“Mother, have you made your list of supplies yet?” Isaac asked. His mother had requested he take her on a short walk. Elizabeth felt the walk would do her some good, and she wanted as much exercise as possible to help regain her strength.

“I have everything ready. Do you think you’ll go to town this week?”

“Actually, I thought I might go today. We are a couple weeks early for bad weather, but I think you might be right about the snow.”

“In that case, do you mind if I go with you?” she asked.

“Really? Do you think you’re up for it?” The last thing Isaac wanted was for his mother to push herself.

“Oh, my boy. I’m feeling fine. Doc Winters needs to check on me, the medicine seems to be doing whatever it is medicine is supposed to do, and I think the ride together would be nice.”

“It was very kind of Doc Winters to get the medicine so quickly. I know we didn’t pay him right away, but he surely was quick to wire his friend.”

“Yes, he’s a good doctor...and a nice man,” she said and Isaac didn’t miss the dreamy tone of her words.

After double-checking the list, Isaac set about hitching the wagon for the trip. Just in case the weather turned bad, he wanted to be prepared to spend the night in town. Or if his mother got too tired he wanted to be sure he had enough blankets for her and a space to rest should she need it. Elias assured them he had everything under control, and if they got stuck in town they’d all be fine here on the ranch.

Hetty paused in her washing long enough to pack a bit of food for the trip “just in case,” she’d said. Last night’s roast would make a great sandwich, and she had a batch of sugar cookies and a jar of pickles ready to send. She threw in a bottle of apple cider and declared they wouldn’t starve if they got stranded. Elias and Lottie waved them off while Hetty returned to the task at hand. Anything to distract her.

The drive was quiet at first. Isaac enjoyed the feel of the air on his skin and admired the last of the season’s foliage.
Such a beautiful time of year,
he thought. But as much as he wanted to spend the drive getting lost on the vast beauty of where he lived, he sensed his mother was waiting to say something. Whatever it was he hoped she wouldn’t beat around the bush. He knew he had sulked long enough and, having spent years being lectured by his mother, he knew something was eating at her conscience. He didn’t doubt that being sick had given her plenty of time to listen and observe, and clearly she had something to say.

“I saw the two of you yesterday evening,” she said firmly.

“You saw what?” Isaac kept his eyes on the road. Yes, his mother wanted to go to town, but Isaac wasn’t oblivious to her ulterior motives. 

“I saw you kiss her.”

Isaac could feel his mother’s eyes. She was giving him that look—that motherly look of concern. He didn’t answer her. He couldn’t lie, but he wasn’t about to give anything away.

“Isaac. Do you have anything to say?”

“No, mother. I don’t actually.” His voice was solid with a hint of agitation.

His mother had best proceed with caution. He knew she wanted him to be open with her, but from his tense tone he prayed she realized he was moments away from shutting her out completely. He was sure his mother knew something had troubled him for a while. How could she miss the fact that he’d purposefully shut out attention from any female. He had spent days getting lost in his work. There was a time when he was a boy who planned for a family and now he was a man who avoided it completely. Did his mother believe there was hope for him?. He knew she watched him with Lottie—complimenting his gentle nature, his silliness, his love for the little girl. At one time he’d even talked of filling his home with furniture made by his own hands. But those thoughts needed to stay in the past. No, there was no hope for him. His mother needed to be clear on that.

“Are you going to deny you kissed Hetty?”

“Mother, I’m not denying anything. It was a mistake. It won’t happen again.”

“What makes you think it was a mistake?” Elizabeth asked.

“It just was. Now, can we change the subject?” His eyes never left the road and she saw his grip tighten around the reins.

“Yes, we can change the subject.” She paused. “Or we can talk about why it is you kissed that sweet girl and are now pretending that it was a mistake.”

“It was a mistake, mother.”

She lowered her voice to a gentle whisper. “Just tell me why, Isaac. Why was it a mistake?”

He was silent for a moment. Could he really tell his mother why crossing the line with Hetty was a mistake? Would she understand? Could he continue to let his past sins eat him alive and risk losing the one person who’d made him think, even for a moment, that he might have a future where he wasn’t alone?

He took a deep breath. “It was a mistake because she is our employee...and because of Rachel.”

“Isaac, tell me what happened. Please.” Elizabeth placed a hand on his shoulder.

Isaac moved the wagon to the side of the road. His heart felt like it was clawing its way out of his chest. The silence was nearly deafening. He removed his hat and ran his hands through his hair. “Because I’m the reason Elias lost her.”

Elizabeth didn’t look shocked by his confession. She stayed silent, allowing him to speak when he was ready.

“The day she died. I was in the orchard with her.”

“I know,” Elizabeth whispered.

“You knew!?” Isaac looked at his mother. There was no judgment in her eyes, no anger. She didn’t show disappointment or surprise. She just sat there with her hand on his shoulder and love in her eyes. Isaac couldn’t hold it together any longer. His eyes burned with tears, and he was sure it was bile rising in his throat. His body began to shake, and he buried his face in his mother’s waiting embrace. He stayed like that for what felt like hours but in the scheme of things was only a few minutes. He allowed his mother to comfort him, smoothing his hair and keeping her breath steady while he composed himself. She whispered ‘It’s okay’ over and over again to reassure him that she wasn’t feeling anything toward him but a mother’s love.

When he pulled himself away he saw her smile. Maybe she felt he’d broken through. Maybe she really did just want to make him believe it was all going to be okay. Or maybe his mother really was that amazing—to love him unconditionally.

“I was in the orchard that day doing some work on that dead tree. Do you remember that one?”

“I do,” Elizabeth said. “Your daddy never did get around to taking care of it.”

“Well, I was cutting the branches down and trying to stack them for burning when I noticed Rachel walking toward me. I didn’t understand what she was doing outside because I knew Lottie was sick. She’d had that fever for days.”

“I remember. We tried everything to get that fever down but nothing helped until that first little tooth popped through,” Elizabeth said.

“She told me she just needed a break and had come out for some fresh air. We talked for a few minutes about the weather—nothing important. But then she wanted to know what I was doing. I told her and she kept asking for a closer look. I couldn’t understand why she was so interested in a silly dead tree, but I explained how it was diseased and needed to be removed to help keep the orchard and the soil healthy.” Isaac took a deep breath and continued.

“She kept moving closer. She’d reach out and touch my arm. And she kept giggling. I hadn’t said anything funny, but she kept moving closer and finding ways to touch me while I worked. Then she was right in front of me. She was looking right at me and she had this look in her eyes. I don’t even know how to describe it. She took the axe from my hand and set it against the tree. When she looked back up at me she kissed me.

“I pulled away immediately and asked her what she was doing. She just kept rambling on about being lonely and motherhood being hard. She kept saying how she’d always thought I was the brother she was supposed to marry.” Isaac paused. “She was beautiful! Do you remember how beautiful she was, mother? She just kept pushing toward me. She smelled so good...like lilacs.

“I told her what she was doing was completely inappropriate. Elias is a good man, mother. He didn’t deserve that. And I told her this. Then I walked away. I left her there in the orchard. She was running to catch me, yelling about not telling Elias, when she fell and hit her head. That’s why I’m the one that found her...because I was there when she died.”

Elizabeth ached for her son. “Isaac, you are not responsible for Rachel’s death.”

“It isn’t that. I know I didn’t kill her. I know that. But if I’d handled it differently—not pushed her away and stormed off—she might still be here. Lottie would still have her mother. Elias would still have his wife.”

“Maybe so, Isaac. But it wasn’t your fault. You don’t control those things. Only the Lord does.”

“But, mother, don’t you see? When she kissed me I liked it. And for a split second—just a moment—I kissed her back. Before I stopped it I kissed her back.”

“Isaac you’re only human. You stopped it. That’s what matters. You had a moment of weakness, but you did the right thing.”

Silence hung in the air. For years he’d avoided women because of how Rachel behaved. Did he think all women were like that? Was this why watching Hetty hug Elias turned his insides? No! She wasn’t like that. Hetty couldn’t possibly be playing the same games. She would never do that.

“I just can’t keep from wondering what I could have done differently. Elias misses her so much, mother. And Lottie? Lottie needed her mother and, directly or indirectly, my actions took that away from them. And when I saw Hetty and Elias on the porch I thought…” He watched his mother take in his confession. He’d carried this guilt for so long, eating at his heart. No wonder he’d sworn off women. The were all like Rachel…or were they?

“You thought Hetty was Rachel.” Elizabeth paused. “Isaac, you need to know that I loved Rachel. She was my daughter-in-law. She made my son terribly happy and she gave all of us Lottie. But I struggled not to judge some of her choices. Rachel was fickle. She thought the ranch life would be the answer to everything, but truth be told she hated it here. She was raised on a ranch, don’t forget, but she didn’t like the work. She didn’t like your brother working from sun up until sun down. She’d get restless and deep down I believe she wanted more adventure than ranch life and motherhood could give her.”

Elizabeth took both of Isaac’s hands in hers and looked him directly in the eyes. “But Isaac, those were her poor choices. Not yours. Remember, ‘There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.’ Do not allow fear of Rachel’s mistakes to keep you from choosing who the Lord picked for you. Have you prayed about this in all the time you’ve carried this burden?”