RUIN - Part Two (The RUIN Series Book 2) (3 page)

"You haven't told them yet, have you?" He's leaning on one elbow when I open my eyes.

I glance past him towards the nightstand. There isn't a clock. "What time is it? I think I fell asleep."

"You're not in a rush to be anywhere, are you?" His lips glide over mine. "I want you to stay the night."

I want that too. It's not an offer he's made before but I grab hold tightly to it. "I'll stay," I try to even my tone. I don't want him to see how eager I am to have this. I can't let him into that part of me yet. It's the part that falls too hard and too fast at the promise of something that my heart has always longed for.

"Good." He scoops me into his arms, pulling my head against his strong chest. "Are you going to tell them?"

This would be so much easier if Noah and Alexa weren't woven so tightly into the fabric of my relationship with Ben. I have to tell them.  I can't hide my connection with him forever. Sooner, rather than later, I'm going to have to confess to them both that I'm still sleeping with him.

"I need to tell them." The words aren't minced. There's no doubt there. "I want to tell them soon."

"Noah is never going to change his view of me." He runs his hand lazily over my bare shoulder. "It's been years since it all happened and he's never forgiven me. I wish that he would. I miss him a lot."

I turn to face him directly, soaking in the sight of his beautiful face. "I care about Noah," I begin wanting the words to come out with every intention that is behind them. "I do care about him but I don't live my life for him or for Alexa."

It's true. They are my family in many ways. They helped me when I first came back to New York but they are starting a life together and I need to find my own way too. I can't discount what my heart is feeling simply because it's something that Noah doesn't agree with. I can't change what happened between him and Ben in the past but I can plan for my future. I need to be selfish as I do this. I have to look out for myself and do what my own heart is telling me is best.

"Did you know Noah before you left New York?" His lips rest against my forehead.

"I did." I lean back wanting to hold his eyes with mine. "I met him a few months before I moved back to Boston."

"Why did you leave here to go back there?"

I knew it was coming. It was inevitable. I can't avoid the subject of my ex-boyfriend indefinitely. I promised myself, after Ben had told me everything about his mother's death, that I wouldn't hold any secrets from him. I want to start our relationship in the most open and honest way that I can. "I went back for a man."

His expression doesn't shift. The only indication that he's heard me at all is in the slight movement of his brow. "A man? What man?"

Names don't matter at moments like this. They don't add any detail to a story that needs to be fleeting and fast. "A man I was in love with."

"This man lives in Boston?"

Good question. "I'm not sure where he is."

"You loved a man and now you don't know where he is?" There's a suggestion of something beyond curiosity in his tone. I can't place it though. "What happened?"

I scratch my chin, needing the brief reprieve to pull all of my thoughts into one place in my mind. "I fell in love with him in high school and…"

"High school?" A smile tears across his lips. "You fell in love with him that long ago?"

"I did," I offer in a small voice. "He was my first love."

His head tilts slightly to the side. "You went back to Boston to be with your first love?"

It sounds romantic coming from his mouth.  The words are innocent and sweet and speak of a love that is pure and never ending. That's what I thought I wanted with Parker. The loss of that love was what I was mourning when I boarded the plane for New York. I tried to chase away the pain of Parker's rejection by getting in bed with Ben that first night. I could never have anticipated how Parker's decision to dump me would alter the entire course of my life.

"Kayla?" He scoops my chin into his hand. "Is it too much to talk about this?"

Even if it was, I'd never admit it. I'm next to a man who poured out his heart two nights ago. I listened to him confess to making a mistake that cost him his mother. How can I compare that to losing someone I was never supposed to be with in the first place? "No, it's fine."

"You're sure?" He leans closer, grazing his full lips over mine.

"There's really not much to talk about," I say against his cheek before pulling back to look at him. "We've been on and off for years. I finally moved out here and he decided that he couldn't live without me so I moved back to Boston to be with him."

"You just dropped your entire life here to go back there?"

I hear the surprise in his voice. It's not unexpected. It's the way Alexa and Vivian had reacted to. My own family hadn't hidden the shock when I surprised them with the announcement that I was back with Parker's arm wrapped around me. "I wanted to be with him."

"What changed?" He shifts his entire body so he's leaning on one elbow. "Why did you move back here?"

"It ended," I offer sullenly. Details about who dumped who are trivial now. It seemed so important weeks ago when Ben sat down next to my on the flight. At that moment in time, when my heart was breaking open because Parker had left, I just wanted to forget everything. Now, at this moment, when I'm staring into the eyes of this incredible man, I just want to forget Parker ever existed.

"So, what you're saying…" his voice trails as he wraps his strong arms around. "What you are telling me, Kayla, is that I am your rebound?"

I throw my head back with careless laughter. "You're not my rebound."

"You fucked me that night to forget him."

I stare into his eyes, seeing a glint there that I haven't noticed before. "I fucked you that night because you were hot."

His brows perk. "You think I'm hot?"

I pull in a deep breath, lean forward, press my lips into his and say softly, "I think you're everything."

Secrets have a way of pulling you apart from within. They fester until they have no place to go but out into the open. It hurt Noah when he saw me leaving Ben's apartment weeks ago. I don't want a repeat of that and I don't want to hide my relationship with his brother any longer.

"Alexa is going to love this bracelet, Kayla." Noah holds the small gift bag in his hand. He'd texted me yesterday asking me to go with him to choose a wedding gift for her. I'd brought him to Whispers of Grace, a boutique jewelry store in Chelsea owned by a friend of Sadie's named Ivy Marlow. I knew we'd find something unique for her here.

"Do you want to grab lunch?" He gestures towards a busy bistro on the corner. "I have no where I need to be today."

"Lex's bridal shower is this afternoon." I glance at my smartphone. "I have time though."

"It's supposed to be a surprise, right?" He walks slowly along the busy sidewalk, his large tattooed frame grabbing glances from almost everyone we pass.

I laugh at the suggestion. "You know that hiding anything from Lex is almost impossible."

He chuckles in return. "She heard Sadie talking to me about it when she was visiting a few weeks ago."

I'm not surprised. Sadie travels to New York City at least a few times a month. Her husband, Hunter, owns Axel NY and she's often there helping him. Her friendship with Alexa is another draw that splits her time between here and Boston.

We settle next to a table in the corner. Even though Noah has become much more comfortable being in public with his facial scar on full display, he still looks for barriers to separate himself from the world. He takes a seat across from me, his back to the restaurant.

"How are things with you?" He nods his head in my direction over the large menu he's holding up. "Work okay?"

I doubt that Noah has any clear idea of what I do for a living. We've never actually discussed it. He knows that I'm considering going back to school to pursue my Master's degree. Beyond that, his grasp on how I spend my days is limited to the few references Alexa makes to it in passing.

"It's fine," I offer back. I didn't come here to talk about the latest project that Vivian has me working on. "It's not exciting."

"Mine is." A broad smile spreads over his lips. "Taking pictures of kids is a hoot."

I admire the forward strides Noah has taken since he got together with Alexa. When he first popped into her life he was a photographer with a singular focus and that was nude women. Alexa had fallen under his spell immediately, spending weeks in his apartment in Boston having her pictures taken. Their unbreakable bond was cemented then and they've never looked back since.

"It sounds like a fun job." I motion towards the approaching waiter.

We order our meals quickly. I'm mindful of the time knowing that within a few hours I need to be at Axel surprising Alexa at the bridal shower she had a heavy hand in planning. I have to somehow convince Sadie that Alexa is oblivious to it all. I definitely have my work cut out for me.

"Kayla?" Noah's hand taps my elbow. "Did you hear me?"

In my wayward daydreams about the shower I don't want to go to, I had blocked everything else out. "No, Noah." I turn in my chair to face him directly. "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

His eyes scan mine as if he's looking for something hidden within. Maybe he is. Maybe he knows full well that there are secrets that I need to share.

"I was asking about Ben." He leans back in the wooden chair that looks as though it's about to burst beneath his weight. "We haven't talked about how you felt when you found out he killed my mother."

I lean back too, pull in a deep breath and stare into his eyes. "He didn't kill her, Noah. We need to talk about that."

***

"Noah," I call to him. He's gaining distance and I need to stop him. "Noah."

He darts his head back and catches a glimpse of me through the crowds on the sidewalk. "Leave me alone."

I push forward, trying to run in my heels. The last thing I want right now is to fall forward and end up back in the ER. "Noah, this is important." I almost scream the words. I can't let him go. I want to clear the air now before this tears Lex and I apart forever. I need her friendship. It is a part of what grounds Noah and me, is what grounds her so I'm going to do whatever it takes to end this now.

He stops and turns abruptly, causing those around him to stop dead in their tracks for fear of running into him. "I don't want to discuss this with you."

"You ran off in the restaurant." I push the words out through heavy breaths. "Please talk to me."

He holds out his arm in a comforting gesture. I lean against it to catch my breath. "I won't discuss Ben with you, Kayla."

"Do you even know the full story of what happened that day?" My tone is more accusatory than I mean for it to be. I don't want to get into an argument with him. If I'm being completely honest, my desire to talk to him is for purely selfish reasons. I just want him to accept that I'm seeing Ben. I need that for me and although I know it's unrealistic, those parts of me that want the perfect life aren't willing to let it go without a fight.

He pulls me to the left. "Sit," he orders as he points to a wooden bench that is sitting near the entrance of a hotel. "Just sit."

I do as I'm told, not so much to give in to Noah, but to rest my weary feet. I'd chased him for more than two blocks after he'd stormed out of the bistro. "Thank you."

He crouches in front of me, resting his hands on either side of me. "I told you to stay away from him. You went back to see him, didn't you?"

Noah's emotions are all right there at the surface. There's no masking the anger and frustration. He's pissed at me. "I did."

"Why the fuck would you do that?"

His hand balls into a fist next to me. I'm not fearful that he'll hurt me. He won't. I trust Noah with my life. I know that he's in pain. I know that my relationship with Ben is a constant, and unwelcome, reminder of the day he lost his mother.

"I care about him."

He leans closer, his breath hot on my forehead. "How can you care about a man who has hurt so many people?"

"Noah." I clench my hands together in my lap. My intention isn't to hurt him. I'm doing that already and it's breaking me a little inside. I know about his past. I know that he was stabbed and the physical and emotional scars of that pushed him into being a recluse for years. I know he lives with a depth of internal pain that I can't comprehend. I've heard enough from Lex to understand. "He's not who you think he is."

"Really?" He cocks a brow and stares straight through me. "He killed her, Kayla. Do you need evidence of that before you'll believe it?"

"You don’t have any evidence of that, Noah," I push back. "Tell me what evidence you have."

He mutters a curse word under his breath. "He didn’t connect her oxygen tank, Kayla. He just didn’t do it. There's no way that was just a mistake like he says."

"Why?" I grab the edge of the bench for strength. "Why are you so convinced that he did it on purpose?"

"Both of us," he begins before he waves two large fingers in my face. "Both of us were trained on how to change those tanks. He'd done it dozens of times before. There's no way in hell he just forgot to do it that day."

"People make mistakes, Noah." I look past him to where pedestrians are strolling by, completely oblivious to the gravity of our discussion. "He made a mistake."

"That's bullshit," he hisses the words at me. "He knew what he was doing. He didn't connect it and then he went to the guesthouse to get high while she died."

"He didn’t." I pinch the bridge of my nose. "It wasn't so he could get high. He was too excited to be with the woman who came to see him after you and your father went to the ballgame."

"What? What are you talking about?" He points at my mouth. "You don’t know what you're saying. There was no woman, Kayla. My father didn't see her when he went to tell Ben about our mother. Ben made that up because he felt so guilty."
"He did not," I whisper the words into the air between us, my belief in them unwavering. "Ben told me about her. Her name was Samantha. He lost his virginity to her that day."