RUIN - Part Two (The RUIN Series Book 2) (5 page)

"I'm going to apply for the Master's program soon." I hold a piece of paper in front of me. "I need two references. I know it's not something we've ever talked about but…"

"Give it to me." Noah pulls the paper from my grasp with a heavy swipe. "I'll give you a glowing reference."

"It's just that you're impressive." I realize the moment the words leave my lips that they sound misplaced. "I mean I know that people find your work really impressive."

"You don't?" A smirk accompanies his cocked brow.

"I do."

"Don’t lie," he teases, as his eyes stay glued to the paper.

"I appreciate you doing this." I mean it. I had considered asking Ben for no more than a brief second. Our connection was too new to ask him to provide something like this. It wasn't that I thought he'd balk at the idea. It was more that I didn't want to request something that made him uncomfortable. I was feeling enough of that myself after he brought up Parker in his post orgasmic state.

"Alexa got drunk at her bridal shower." A whisper of a smile floats over his mouth. "She was pretty funny when Sadie brought her home."

I can't help but smile too. "I saw her for a few minutes. She was definitely enjoying herself."

His eyes finally drift up from the paper to settle on my face. "She mentioned that you two talked about Ben."

I'm shocked that she remembered at all. I wasn’t sure she would but now that I know she brought it up, it's opened a door for me with Noah. "It was brief. I didn’t tell her anything."

"You've seen Ben since then, right?" The anger that would have been wrapped around that question days ago isn't there anymore.

"Yes."

"Did you talk to him about what we discussed?" His tone is low and direct.

I shake my head. "I didn't." Why would I? Ben was too busy trying to gather information on my asshole of an ex-boyfriend.  Once that conversation ended we both drifted to sleep and in our morning rush to get to work, neither of us discussed anything beyond meeting for dinner later in the week.

"I don't have a lot of friends," he says softly. "I mean I have Alexa. I don't need a bunch of friends, but there's no one I can talk to about this."

I know that the
this
he's referring to is his brother. "What is it?"

He looks up and his eyes search my face momentarily. "It's about Ben and what we were talking about the other day."

I want to help Noah and it's not for purely selfish reasons. Obviously listening to him talk about his brother gives me more insight into the man I'm sharing my body with, but it also is pulling me closer to Noah. I'm seeing a side of him that is strictly reserved for Alexa. I've only heard about it when she's confided in me about their relationship. "What about it?"

"I'm not sure how much Ben has told you about his arrest?"

It's an open-ended question. He wants me to fill in those blanks. "Not a lot," I offer back as a starting point.

"Did he tell you why they arrested him?"

I run my tongue over my top lip as Ben's words about Noah's discussion with the police pours through my memory. "He said there were a lot of things that contributed to that."

He taps his hand against the dining room table. We're sitting in exactly the same places we were when he grilled me about Sammy. "The police questioned me. They questioned our father too."

Even if I didn't know that information because Ben told me, I wouldn't be surprised. It was an investigation surrounding their mother's death. It only made sense that everyone in the home was interviewed. "He told me that, Noah."

He traces his index finger along the edge of the paper I handed to him. "Did he tell you what I said to the police?"

"Only bits and pieces."

"It was mostly about my perception of what happened. " He sighs. "I was pretty torn up about my mother's death."

"You all were," I say carefully. "I'm sure you were all distraught that day."

"I was pissed." His hand fists on the table. "I couldn't believe she was gone."

I'm insightful enough to understand that neither of the twins was prepared for their mother's death. Despite the fact that she'd been struggling with her health for weeks, her death hit them both with the impact of a sledgehammer. It threw their entire family into an emotional tailspin that they've yet to recover from. I don’t respond because I can't find the words to describe the sorrow I feel for them both.

"Ben didn't say much after she died. He shut down." He exhales quickly. "The police tried talking to him and he kept saying that he killed her."

The stress of knowing that he hadn't checked her oxygen tank is still a heavy burden that Ben carries with him. I can't imagine what that felt like on the shoulders of a teenage boy. "He felt guilty."

"That night changed all of our lives." His face pales. "Ben lost all his scholarships. He couldn't go to the school he wanted to."

I didn’t know that. I had assumed that after he was released, that he'd thrown himself into his studies. "He's never talked about that."

"His life fell apart." His breath hisses out. "It was all so messed up. I couldn’t stand the sight of him so he left to go live with my grandparents."

My heart aches at the thought of Ben's life being thrown so off course because of what happened that day. "He's built a good life for himself."

He doesn’t acknowledge my statement at all. "He wrote me letters after he moved in with them, but I ripped them up. I never read one. I wanted nothing to do with him."

"He's a good person who made a horrible mistake." I stand up. I need air. I have to get out of here. "He has to live with what he did every single day."

"I do too," he whispers as I turn to walk away. "I do too, Kayla."

"Are you ever going to tell me what kind of doctor you are?" I push on his knee under the small table with my own.

"I'm a very…"

I dart my hand into the air and push it against his lips. "Don't say you're a very good doctor, Ben. I want a real answer."

He pushes my hand into his lips, giving my palm a most kiss. "It's a real answer."

"I want the scientific answer," I wince when I say the words. "No, that's not what I meant."

He chuckles at my obvious lack of knowledge. "I'm a primary care physician."

I'm not up on the medical lingo that I should be considering I'm sleeping with a doctor. "What exactly does that mean?"

He squeezes my hand in his. "It means I work in the emergency room and I like it there."

"You'll always work there?"

"Not forever." His eyes flit over my shoulder to the entrance of the cafeteria. "For now it's where I want to be."

I don’t probe more because he hasn’t ever offered details about his work. I'd imagined that his drive to be a doctor was triggered by his mother's illness and the guilt he still carries because of her death, but that might be my overly active imagination pushing those two events together.

"Let's talk about your work."

"Let's not." I push my back into the uncomfortable chair. I've spent the majority of the past week organizing Vivian's file cabinet. It's taxing, boring and makes each day longer than the previous one. I'm looking forward to getting back to school part-time mainly because I need more stimulation for my brain.

"Don’t say I never asked about it." He playfully tips his chin across the table at me. "What else has been going on in your life lately? You're still part of Noah's wedding party?"

It's a question that is too shallow considering the depth of the turmoil that surrounds his brother and him. I hate talking about the wedding. We haven't discussed how utterly fucked up it is that I'm going to his twin brother's wedding and he's not. I want to invite him. I want the past to wash under a bridge so that Ben can be there to congratulate his brother as he starts on the path to wedded bliss. It's an impossible situation that I'm stuck in the middle of. "I'm still part of that, yes."

"How does that make you feel?"

Like shit.

That's what I want to say. I feel anxious and nervous about it. I cringe when I know that I have to see Lex now to discuss the music, menu or what the place cards should look like. Every time she hugs me I feel a drive to confess my deepest secrets which all involve her soon-to-be husband and his twin brother. It's no wonder she chose Sadie to be her matron-of-honor. I'm a horrible friend to her but I can't tell Ben that so instead I say, "I want Lex to be happy so I'll do what I can to make the wedding perfect."

Liar, Kayla. You did that way too easily.

"I need to get back to work soon." He glances at his silver wristwatch. "Do you want to meet up tonight?"

It's casual. This entire thing feels as though it's moving towards more casual. I doubt it's my imagination telling me that. I can sense it and feel it. "Are you hooking up with other women?"

His shoulders tense as his eyes scan my face. "Where did that come from?"

A simple
no
would have sufficed just fine, Doctor.

I scratch my finger over my ear. "I'm just curious."

He stretches his legs beneath the table, kicking my foot in the process. "Sorry."
I don’t respond because I'm suddenly aware that I've been investing countless hours in trying to mend his broken relationship with his brother. Why am I doing that when we've never discussed being exclusive? He's not offering anything beyond uncomfortable silence now, which I know is, code for '
hell, yes, I'm fucking other women
.'

"I need to get back to work." I'm lying. I have the rest of the day off and my hope was that he'd steal a few minutes away to join me in his bed. "I've got a lot to do today."

His hand bolts to my wrist, pulling it firmly into his grasp. "Kayla, sit."

Apparently commands are part of the twins' mutual DNA. "Why?"

"I want to say this right." His hand slides across my wrist to cup my hand. "I don’t want to fuck it up."

I stare at our hands unable to pull my gaze to his handsome face. I don't want this to be the moment when he pulls a Parker on me and tells me it's over. We haven't really started yet and losing him now would rip me to shreds. "Fuck up what, Ben?"

"I know you just ended things with that guy in Boston weeks ago." He swallows hard before pushing a rush of air out between his lips. "I've been trying to figure out where your head is with that."

Seriously? All those random Parker related questions in bed were about this? "I've told you where it's at." I feel a driving need to reiterate the point. "I'm over him."

"Don't date anyone else then." His hand pulls mine towards him. "Don’t fuck anyone. Let me be the only one."

"Ben was born exactly seven minutes after I was." He points to the clock on the wall in the restaurant. "Seven minutes."

"You're older than him?" I don't try and mask the fact that I'm not shocked by the admission. "Somehow that doesn’t surprise me at all."

"I'm more mature." He grins. "You think that's it, right?"

"No, Noah." I take a small sip of the herbal tea I ordered. "That's not it. I think it's because you're so bossy."

"I'm bossy?" He runs his finger along the rim of the paper coffee cup. "Did Alexa tell you I'm bossy?"

"Alexa?" I cock a brow. "I don't need anyone to tell me. I see it myself."

"Don't take this the wrong way, Kayla..." His eyes dart around the near empty café before they settle back on my face. "Don't let this get to your head but you're actually kind of fun to hang out with."

"You'll never admit that again, will you?" I push my hand towards him across the table. "If I tell Lex you said that, you're going to deny it."

"I will." He nods slowly. "It's our little secret."

Correction. It's one of our little secrets. The list is growing longer day-by-day. Today, while Alexa is at yoga and Ben is on duty in the ER, Noah and I are meeting in a small café in mid-town. He asked me to meet him here via text message an hour ago. I agreed without thought. Noah is my direct line to Ben's past and his future. I want to understand everything about the man I'm now officially in an exclusive relationship with.

"Has Ben ever talked to you about this?" His hand traces a path down the scar on his cheek. I don’t stare at it. I never have. When I first met Noah it was impossible to ignore it. It's long, jaded and speaks of the violence of that night.

I answer without any hesitation. "We don’t talk about you that much."

"Why not?"

Anyone who doesn’t know Noah Foster may find that question arrogant. That's not why he spit it out. He wants to matter to his brother. I've seen it in his eyes and hear it in his voice more and more. "We talk about other things."

"Like what?" he presses.

"Things that are none of your business, Noah." I raise my cup towards him.

It's the first time I've ever seen him blush. He pulls his head down so swiftly that I only get a fleeting glimpse of it but it's tender and gives me witness to the parts of him that Lex is always fawning over. "I was just wondering if he told you anything about the night I was stabbed."

He doesn't look up as the question sits in stillness between us. I know that the stabbing only occurred a few years ago and it's been my understanding that Noah and Ben were estranged at the time. "You weren't talking to each other then, were you?"

"No." His answer is quick and abrupt.

"Why would he ask me about it?" I can't connect the dots at all. "Did he even know you were stabbed?"

His eyes pull up and onto my face. "He knew, Kayla. My father called to tell him and he was on the first flight to Boston to see me."

I don't know how to absorb that other than one twin needing to be by his brother's side after a horrific incident. "I'm not surprised. Ben's a caring person."

"It didn't go well." He hesitates as his eyes travel the length of the restaurant. "I was in a bad place."

"You didn't want to see him?" I'm not sure why I'm asking the question at all. Judging by the one time I've seen Noah and Ben in the same room together, I doubt that Noah has ever been eager to spend any time with his brother since that morning their mother died.

"I tried to kill him."

***

"I can get you another cup." The barista daps at the tea stain on my jeans. "I'll go get it now."

I push her hand away. "No, please. I'm fine." I'm not fine at all. Noah's words had pulled every ounce of strength from me and my hand instantly gave way. The moment the hot tea hit my lap, I'd jumped. He was there, almost immediately, his hand wiping away the liquid.

She mutters something incomprehensible under her breath as she scoops up a handful of damp paper napkins and walks back behind the counter.

"Did you burn yourself?" He's in the chair next to me now, his hand holding tightly to mine. "You're white as a ghost, Kayla."

That has nothing to do with the scorching liquid that splashed all over me and everything to do with the fact that he just told me he tried to kill Ben. "I'm okay," I whisper. "I'm okay."

"I can take you to the…" He halts himself. "Is there a doctor I can take you to see?"

I stare at his face. We're both fully aware of the irony in the question. "My jeans caught most of it. I didn't get burned."

"Good." He holds his gaze on mine. "I'm sorry I didn't know you'd react like that."

I push my hands into my lap. "How did you think I'd react? You just told me that you tried to kill Ben." I motion towards his face. "I heard you say it."

"Something snapped inside of me that morning." He rakes his hand through his short brown hair. "They must have sedated me when they brought me in after the stabbing. I was out of it. I was hallucinating."

I've never been on strong painkillers so I have nothing to go by other than the stories I've heard on the news about what people are capable of when they're under the influence of strong narcotics. "I can't imagine what you were going through."

"Alexa told you I killed the man who stabbed me in self defense, right?"

I nod. I don't want to give an actual voice to that. I know that Alexa felt that she was betraying Noah's trust when she shared those details with me. I don't want this conversation to run off its path. I need to understand what happened between Noah and Ben that morning.

"I didn't expect to see Ben." He scrubs his hand over the back of his neck. "He was actually the last person I thought I'd see when I woke up that day."

"You were asleep before he arrived?"

"I was sedated," his correction is subtle. "When I first opened my eyes I couldn't place where I was. The last thing I remembered was the sting of the knife when it…" his voice trails as his hand leaps to his cheek.

"Then Ben was there?" I want him to tell me what happened. I'm eager to hear it.

He pulls his gaze back to my face. "I saw him. I hadn't seen him since he left to live with my grandparents."

I had assumed at some point that the two of them would have ended up in the same place. I can't mask the surprise I feel knowing their lives became so utterly separate. 

"I felt this searing pain in my cheek." His voice cracks slightly at the remembrance. "I asked out loud what had happened to me."

I scratch the edge of my nose. "Ben was the one who answered?"

His head tilts to the left with a slight nod of his chin. "I heard his voice before I saw him."

I close my eyes imagining the scene in Noah's hospital room that morning. The pain of the slashes would have been intense and the emotional burden of the events that led up to the scarring would have been overwhelming. Add to that, the appearance of a brother he hated and it was a perfect storm of rage and revenge.

"I called out his name and he walked to the side of the bed." He swallows so hard that it's audible." I remember turning slowly and seeing him there. His face was perfect. He was staring at me. He told me I'd been stabbed in the face and body."

"God," I whisper under my breath unable to contain everything I'm feeling.

He bows his head low. "I lunged out of the bed and onto him. I pushed him against the wall."

I feel tears racing to the surface. I can't stop them. The vision of Ben being assaulted is pulling my stomach into knots.

"I hit him over and over again," he sobs. "I broke his nose and knocked out a tooth."

I want to ask the obvious question but I can't pull it to my lips. "Did he…" that's all I can get out before I bury my face in my hands.

"He didn't fight back, Kayla." Tears stream down the scar and into his short beard. "He just let me punch him until my father and the doctor finally pulled me off."