Running Home (17 page)

I was about to leave the office after catching up on a little paperwork
, when Sheriff Ramsey stopped me out the back door.

“Mason, I have to say what you are doing for her is commendable. But don’t let it eat you alive
, son, you have come so far the last couple years. Protect yourself,” he cautioned.

“Thanks Sheriff, and don’t worry. I’m at a better place in my life now,” I reassured
him. It was the truth; I was in a better place now that Carmen was back in my life again.

I was surprised to see Carmen sitting on the back deck of the café when I pulled up. She was sitting there on the steps, stroking Waylon’s head
softly while basking in the fading sunshine. Even with all the drama and commotion her life brought she was still the most amazing, kind hearted, beautiful person as she always had been. I loved her then, as much as I loved her now; however a romantic type love was not in our future. I am destined to spend my life alone, and I’m okay with it. Carmen was my best friend and I would do anything for her, without hesitation or question. I would kill to love her again like that, but I knew that wasn’t how she felt. I was going to have to accept the strictly friendship status we held, and I was going to learn to love that without romantically loving her in return.

“Hey
, how did this afternoon go?” I asked, walking over to the two of them on the deck.

“It was a ton of work, but not really at the same time. Does that make sense?”

“I get it, trust me. Feel good to be back?”

“Yeah.
” She sighed. I could tell she was happy, but I also knew she was hiding something.

“Spill it
, Car; I know something is bothering you,” I bugged her.

“It was just weird you know. Some people that came in were welcoming me home
, and then others just completely ignored me. I guess I should expect that since I just barreled out of here, huh?”

“Carmen
, it’s going to take time, but once they remember how amazing you are it won’t take long for them to come around,” I said with a smile. She just needed to be open with people, accept the criticism for her prior choices and go with the flow. My phone started to ring, and I glanced down to look at the number displayed on the screen.

Mrs.
Montgomery’s name
came up, and my heart dropped. This conversation was going to be rough.

“Open Arms” Journey

Carmen

I could tell by the look on Walker’s face that something wasn’t right. I knew that boy better than he knew himself, and the look he was giving made my mind swirl with the possibilities on who was calling.

“
It’s your grandma,” he said holding the phone out for me to look. My heart basically just fell right out my ass as I started to panic.

“What am I going to do
, Walker? I don’t know what to say,” I shrieked and jumped up on the deck. I wasn’t ready to face her and grandpa yet; I have no clue how I am going to explain the last six years of my life to my religious and strict grandmother.

“Fuck,
Walker! What am I going to tell her? Hi grandma, I’ve been too busy taking my clothes off for men, doing drugs, and getting arrested the last six years to call. I’m so sorry my life is such a disappoint, but I’m back now and it will all change?”

“Well
, you have to say something; I bet someone called her today after seeing you at the café.” Walker calmly stated as I started to pace the deck. I wasn’t ready for this shit. I hadn’t even been there one damn day, and I was desperate to find a fix and dull the heartbreak and pain. The phone goes quiet as one missed call came across the screen.

“Well
, what do you want to do Carmen?”             

“I don’t know;
if I had all the answers then things would be just fucking dandy,” I snapped. “Fuck-this-shit,’” I muttered to myself as I dashed off the deck and started to walk to the Bronco.

“Where ar
e we going?” Walker asked in fear.

“I’m not running
, if that is what you think I’m doing,” my voice dripped with sarcasms. “Let’s go see the grandparents; might as well get it over with.”

Walker just silently stood and motioned for Waylon to come with. I yanked the door of the Bronco open and climbed in. This wasn’t how I expected to spend my first day back in town. I didn’t
want to go all the way home yet; the little yellow farm house held too many painful memories I wasn’t ready to deal with at the moment. The boys climbed in without making a sound, I bet there would be enough yelling as soon as we reached the farm. Nothing like a lecture from the good old parental units to make yourself feel like a failure. Carmen : 1 World: 514

The past is a fickle creature. It is meant to leave it behind you; having the general meaning ‘gone or elapsed in time.’ But no, it’s a little bitch that never leaves your side no matter how many times you try and beat the living crap out of it. Maybe it should be called a tag-a-long reminder from hell. Yep, that seemed appropriate, given my situation.

“Are you ready?” Walker asked. I couldn’t seem to bring myself to answer him
, or open the door. I just sat here, staring at the old yellow farm house I spent ten years of my life at. My grandparents sat inside that house, waiting for me to show up. I was scared shitless, and not from the lecture I should have been receiving. I was scared, because I knew I hurt them. I hurt everyone around me, it didn’t matter how long ago it was. Tornado Carmen always seemed to level everyone’s feelings without care or caution.

“Carmen?” he said again softly. I knew I had to do this as I glanced over at him, giving him a tight smile. Walker smiled in return as he opened the door and climbed out of the Bronco. I tried to mentally prepare myself for what was going to happen, but I knew the damage was already done. My parents had done it to my grandparents years ago
, and I followed down the same path
this just plain sucks
.

“
Let’s go,” Walker spoke as he opened the door and offered his hand. I quickly clutched his open hand, needing the support and comfort from my only friend.

“Wait one sec,” I blurted out as I stared at the front door, waiting for my arrival. Taking a deep breath
, I closed my eyes and released the sorrow and pain I had been keeping hidden. “Alright, let’s do this.”

I awkwardly knocked on the front door, still clutching Walker’s hand like a life line. And then I waited. The seconds passed
, and my nerves grew bigger and bigger.
This wasn’t a good idea. What in the hell am I doing?
I started to turn around, when Walker yanked me closer to his side. “Just give her a second will ya?” I glared at Walker for keeping me here; I wasn’t ready to face her just yet. Swiftly, the large door opened and behind the door appeared my grandmother. She looked older and frailer then I could have ever imagined. But she was standing there right in front of me with a smile, and that was all it took to run sobbing into her arms.

“Hush
, child, its okay,” she soothed to me as I was cradled into her loving arms. This woman was the reason I survived the early years. She fed me, clothed me, gave me shelter when my parents ran off, and I, in turn, ran away as well. I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face. How could I have possibly been that selfish?

“Carmen
, sweetheart, dry your eyes. No more tears are needed today.”

“I’m so sorry
, Grandma,” I choked out. I was truly sorry this time.

“Well
, it’s not going to help any standing here crying your eyes out on the porch. Come, let’s get inside. I’ll brew you some tea and something to eat. You, my child, are way too skinny,” Grams stated with a smile.

“So I
hear,” I managed to laugh out; everyone thought I was too skinny.  I followed her through the living room and into the kitchen. Nothing had changed over the years; it was exactly how I remembered it. There was something comforting about the familiarity of the house, it was simple and amazing.

“
Walker, would you like some tea?” Grams asked, as I took a seat at the old wooden kitchen table. We spent so many nights as a family eating at this table; the four of us were a family back then.

“No thanks
, Mrs. Montgomery. Here, why don’t you sit down? I can handle the tea,” Walker offered as he scooted around the island and directed Grams to sit down.

“There is fres
h banana bread in the bread box……. why don’t you slice us up some?” She said with a wink and a smile; that man loved banana bread.

“I’m so sorry
, Grams,” I stammered, nervously messing with the table runner.

“You already said t
hat, my dear, so no more. I get you are sorry, so now let’s deal with it and move on,” She stated simply. Grams was always the no nonsense type of woman, you said or did it once and lived with the outcome. I managed a small smile as she reached out over the table to grasp my hand. “Carmen, I have always loved you, child; you were the best thing my daughter ever did. Yes you caused some problems in your younger years, but I never once wished you any different. You brought joy to this house. Your laughter couldn’t be replaced when you ran away. No matter how far you had gone or how long it was going to take you to return home, I still loved you nonetheless.”

I immediately started to cry the moment she s
tarted to speak; hearing she had always loved me and she still did was something I was not prepared for. I knew she loved me, but I always figured she was going to be happy when I left. Once again, my selfish ways blocked the view from seeing how I affected others.

“Carmen
, I told you to stop crying. I don’t want to have to tell you again.” Grams smirked as Walker brought over the tea and freshly sliced banana bread.

I dried my eyes with the back of my hands
, and picked up the warm cup of tea, sipping it slowly as the warm liquid slid down my throat. Grams used to fix me a cup when I spent my evenings crying for my parents to return, and ironically, in that moment I promised her I would never be like my parents.
Yep, that turned out so well.

“A
re you home now, Carmen?” Grams questioned. Her voice was laced with skepticism and doubt. I nodded my head and stuffed a piece of banana bread into my mouth. “I can tell your manners didn’t improve on your vacation.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled, using the napkin to wipe the crumbs off my face. I started to
laugh at the ‘vacation’ comment; over six years doesn’t seem like a getaway to me.

“Why are you laughing
, Carmen?” Walker asked in confusion.

“She said vacation………….
I’m pretty sure I just ran away,” I laughed hysterically now. The tension in the room slowly started to dissolve as I continued to find the comedy in the comment; even if I was the only one who found it funny.

“Oh my dear, you always had an odd sense of amusement.” Grams just sipped on her tea
, while waiting, for me to get myself under control. I almost had myself put back together when I looked over at Walker who was looking at me like I lost my mind well, I had.

“Stop looking like that
, Walker!” I cried out between my laughter and tears.

“What in the world
, Carmen? I’m not doing anything.”

I stood up from the chair and walked over to the kitchen door window, trying to rid myself from the hilarious situation I felt was happening. Glancing out the window
, I noticed my grandfather’s tractor parked to the side of the old barn out back. “Where is Grandpa?”

Grams eye
s glossed over and her face fell from a smile to complete despair. She looked over at Walker, who dropped his gaze to the table. Someone wasn’t telling me something.

“You didn’t tell her?” Grams asked Walker quietly.

“I didn’t think it was my place to,” He replied with a sorrow laced through his words. My heart stopped and my body began to shake; I knew the words that were going to be coming.

“Carmen
, dear, your grandfather passed two years ago, honey. We had no way of getting hold of you; I’m so sorry.” Grams said as she stood and walked over to where I was standing at the door. My body crumbled into her arms, and once again, the tears sprang from my eyes.

“He loved you very much
, Carmen. You were always in his thoughts and prayers, I bet he is looking down on you right now and smiling. It’s okay to cry, child, I miss him too,” Grams delicately said in to my ear as she held my body tightly.
I can’t believe I was that selfish.
I missed saying goodbye to one of the most influential men in my entire life, because I was busing falling down the rabbit hole of doom.

“I can’t believe I didn’t get to say goodbye,” I said softly.

“I know it hurts, but he knew you loved him, Carmen, and he always loved you.” Grams comforted me as I now silently wept into her arms. I missed out on so much by running away and checking out; I couldn’t make that mistake again. I knew I had mountains to climb and relationships to repair, but it was worth it; all I needed was to believe in myself again. I no longer felt trapped by this little town, but I still didn’t feel welcomed by it either.

We had m
igrated to the old porch swing Grandpa had put up years ago for Grams. The sun was setting over the fields, and the most beautiful colors of red, yellow, and orange, mixed with purple fell upon the horizon. This wasn’t a sight I got in LA; the smog covered the skies most days and there were so many lights left on during all hours the stars were drowned out of the dull grey sky.

“How did it happen
, Grams?”

“He got the flu
during the winter. I fought him to head into the doctor, but you know your grandfather; that man was as stubborn as a mule. Unfortunately his body was too tired and worn down to kick it. He ended up with an infection in his lungs, and by the time we caught it there wasn’t much that could have been done. He was a strong old man, but his body was too weak to battle it. He passed quietly one night in his sleep,” Grams said as she stared out onto the horizon.  I reached over and grabbed her hand, interlocking our fingers.

“I
’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“But you are here now, and that says something for your character
, my dear,” Grams said with a smile. “I can’t promise it’s going to be easy being back home, but I can say I will be here for you when you need it. This is your home, Carmen. This town, these people, and even this old yellow house. Let us help you.”

I wiped a tear that started to tri
ckle down my cheek. I think I had cried more since I’ve been home than I had in my entire life before this.

“Going soft on us
, Carmen?” Walker joked, as he bumped shoulders with me. I reached over and swatted his leg, still clutching Grams’ hand tight with the other.

“Are you ever going to act like a lady?” Grams teased as we all fell into laughter.

I snuggled closer into her side and laid my head on her shoulder. I was never going to walk away from this ever again.

The alarm clock went off early, and I groaned when I noticed the light steaming through the blinds. I threw the covers off the bed and walked across the room to the noisy machine, slamming my hand down on the button. “I
’m up,” I snarled at it. I didn’t remember why I agreed to go to church with Grams that morning. I dug through a bag of clothes I packed from Grams’ place last night and hoped I would find something decent to wear today. Pulling out an old jean skirt and a plain white t-shirt, I tossed them on the back of the chair, hoping the wrinkles would magically disappear by the time I needed to get ready.