Scandal (Tainted #1) (32 page)

Sebastian didn’t ease up. He kept going and going until she erupted again and this time biting her lip didn’t stop the scream from breaking through as she convulsed for what felt like forever.

The next thing she knew, she was limp and in his arms while he stroked her hair and face. Alicia closed her eyes, snuggling into him and listening to his heartbeat.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, ‘for before.’

She shook her head. ‘Nothing to be sorry for.’

He stilled, his whole body tensing and her eyes opened. Worry creased his brow, made the chocolate swirls of his irises hard. ‘Sebastian, it’s OK. I didn’t know what the teasing would come to. If I did I wouldn’t have been so impatient.’

‘I …’ He looked away. ‘Every time I think about how that guy used you, left you … I don’t know if something I’m doing crosses a line. I don’t want to bring it up, but how else am I going to know if I’m hurting you?’

Alicia held her breath. The emotions that had suckerpunched her earlier came back and she couldn’t shy away from it now. He was so worried about the past, but even though she’d been too young, suffered horrible consequences, she’d made those choices and couldn’t keep regretting them.

‘I wanted it at the time. Darrell didn’t pressure me into anything. It was after. He made me believe we’d be together forever.’ She pulled his face back so she could look at him.

Regret was clear in his expression and she knew it was because he didn’t want to treat her the same as her ex. She couldn’t hear the words though, thought she’d break if he ended their relationship again.

‘I think my father found out the same way he got those pictures of you and Mai, but I didn’t ask. Honestly, that part of my life is in the past and I can’t keep regretting it or I’ll never move forward.’

Sebastian started stroking her hair again, his gaze focused on hers – serious now. ‘I don’t want to be like Darrell, Alicia. That’s one of the reasons I should have left on Sunday.’

‘You’re not. You won’t ever be,’ she said.

Sebastian couldn’t ever be swayed by her father’s bribery. He had a backbone, made his own decisions, and he hadn’t promised her the world – he didn’t think he was worthy of more than a bit of fun. She hoped one day he’d learn to forgive himself for what happened with Mai, but that was clearly a long way off.

He looked up at the ceiling, a pulse pounding hard in his jaw. ‘I won’t make promises I can’t keep – not to you or anyone else.’

She hugged him hard, hiding her face in his shoulder in case the pain in her heart was clear on her face. Just when she thought things might get better, that he might change his mind, hope was stolen away. He lifted her hand, kissed her palm, then placed it on his chest. She melted and the tears threatening to overflow made her vision blurry.

They made love again. Though it probably shouldn’t have happened, he couldn’t keep his hands off her. And it was making love this time, not just sex or a way to release tension. It had never been just that with Alicia. Now he was afraid it was more, his feelings had changed. But it still wasn’t enough.

It could never be enough.

He could never be who she deserved, and that realisation hit him hard, for the first time. He’d any day take the last few months of stress over this.

As he held her after, listening to her breathing deepen and her heart slow, Sebastian’s stomach churned. They’d gone beyond casual to somewhere that terrified him despite the fact that a few years ago it would have been the one place he wanted to be.

But he couldn’t give Alicia the life she deserved. She should be treated like a queen and shown what love really was. His career would make her feel left out, lonely, even – just like he’d been growing up. With parents like hers, she should have so much more. A lump formed in his throat at the thought that it would be someone else who’d give her all those things, and he had to swallow against the urge to weep.

She stirred, her arms constricting around him and he tightened his hold too.

‘I love you,’ she mumbled against his chest and he froze.

His heart pounded in his chest and a cold sweat broke over his skin. He waited for her to laugh, maybe even realise what she’d just said, but Alicia only sighed a little. His chest felt like it was caving in because now he knew he’d let this get too far. Out of control. Hurting her was the last thing in the world he wanted to do but now, what choice did he have? There was no way to get around it. The only question left was is it better to prolong the inevitable, or make the break as fast and painless as possible?

Chapter Twenty-four

Alicia woke alone, which wasn’t unusual for a Monday morning. Fighting sleep, she pulled herself out of bed and headed for the kitchen. The coffee pot was on – even though Sebastian never drank the stuff, he always made sure she had some ready. And she needed it for today.

Working at Maine PR wasn’t where her heart was. She loved doing charity work with Sebastian, and so far she’d been pretty good at it. She also loved public relations, and had put together a big folder full of the contacts she’d need to start out on her own.

Daria and Sylvia were right. Her father never visited London and all he’d know was what he heard on the end of the phone. She didn’t like lying to him but after all these years she realised that she was never going to make him happy. He was immovable, held onto grudges, and was rigidly set in his ways.

It was her job to make sure she was happy, which made it time to get on with step two. She picked up the envelope containing a letter she’d typed for Mr Maine. It wasn’t easy making her feet carry her to the door, but after considering all her options she saw this one making her happiest in the long run.

For the first time in her life, she’d have all the control.

Her resistance to get this over with had more to do with step three of the Make Alicia’s Life Better Plan. It dampened her palms and made her stomach too flippy to drink much of her coffee. She picked up her phone and sent a quick text to Sebastian, asking him to keep the night free as she had news, then went to work to face her boss.

‘Are you insane?’ Sebastian asked the second he’d closed the door to her flat.

She looked up from her spot on the floor, surrounded by the research she’d been doing since she got home. ‘That’s not the greeting I was hoping for.’

He ran a hand through his damp hair. Sweat made his polo cling to every delicious muscle he had, setting a fire burning through her veins. He usually showered at the gym, but not today, and it was disturbing how much that made her want to jump him.

Him being miffed about something only made the urge worse. She’d never had angry sex before …

‘Alicia, why did you leave Maine?’

Oh, he’d heard already. ‘I’m going to start out on my own. I’ve already secured a few contacts. Don’t worry, I’ll finish up your contract before I leave. Honestly though, things are going great for you right now. After you win the French Opens, you’ll have anyone you want signing up.’

He paced across the room, his muscles locked in place and an expression she’d never seen before on his face. She frowned, thinking sex was way down the list of his priorities just now.

‘Is this because of me?’ he asked, but didn’t look at her.

‘No, it’s what I want to do.’ She shuffled papers together and closed her laptop. There was no more ways to stall. Now it was time to throw step three out there. ‘But it will make being together easier. Now I can work my own hours.’

Sebastian stopped dead. ‘We can’t be together, Alicia. I thought that’s what we agreed a few weeks ago. I thought that’s what we both wanted.’

Rejection made her wither, but she got up, determined to fight for what she wanted. ‘So did I, until you moved in and made me see what I’d been missing all these years. I’ve never been this happy, Sebastian. And I know you think you’ll never make me happy but you already have. Please believe me.’

He didn’t speak at first, just ran his hands through his hair and turned away from her. His shoulders slumped and she knew then that something was very, very wrong. He couldn’t even face her. ‘Sebastian –’

‘I’m leaving tomorrow. I’m going to stay with my parents before the Opens.’

His words knocked the breath out of her. She slumped back on the floor, unsure her legs would hold her. ‘Why? I thought James would –’

He faced her again, his expression more serious than she’d ever seen on him. ‘This thing between us can’t last. Why kid ourselves and keep it going any longer? You should go back to Maine, tell them you’ve made a mistake.’

‘I thought we …’ Her words choked off. She cleared her throat, tried again. ‘Why can’t we? You care about me and I –’

‘Yeah, I do.’ He came close and hope swelled her heart. She could still change his mind. But his voice softened, like he pitied her. ‘But it wouldn’t be fair to string you along like that. I always thought I wanted something steady in my life, a home to come back to. I was wrong. My career comes first and it always will. It’s not fair to ask you to hang around.’

His career comes first. He doesn’t want anything more.

All hope sucked out of her until there was nothing left. She loved him, thought he still wanted all those things, but when it came down to it he loved his job more. There was no competing against that – she’d never want to take anything away from him.

He didn’t even want more – with her, or anyone. She must have imagined the way she thought he felt. She was inexperienced when it came to relationships – look how wrong she’d been about Darrell! She knew that putting her heart out there could end this way, but it still split her in two nonetheless.

There was no way she could hang around now, and watch him go. Blinking back tears, she picked up the handbag and coat she’d left over the sofa in her excitement to get started with her new business.

‘I have somewhere to be. You can pack in peace.’

She got to the door before he spoke again. ‘Are you going back to Maine? If he’s mad I can –’

‘That’s not really any of your business, Sebastian. Not anymore.’ She closed the door and headed for the staircase, determined to hold it together until she was somewhere more private.

Though his dad had retired, training with him was always more challenging than with James. Probably because the guy still played every day, but Sebastian’s heart hadn’t been in it since he arrived at his parents’ home in the South of France a week ago.

‘Son, I think you need to hire a new trainer,’ his dad said when half-time came.

Sebastian didn’t comment, just picked up his water bottle and took a long drink. He wasn’t even out of breath, he had barely put any effort into the game at all. There was a huge Alicia-shaped hole in his life and he missed her like crazy. It was like she’d taken custody of his motivation, the love of the game, and his desire to win.

‘Leave him alone. This isn’t about tennis.’ His mum came out of the house, a sad smile on her face. ‘Is Mai still harassing you? There hasn’t been a story for a while.’

He shook his head. ‘Not since she tried to have me arrested.’

Of course his mother had found out about the incident – the whole world had. The press took Alicia at her word and now everyone was on Team Sebastian. But that wasn’t fair either, he didn’t want Mai being painted as the villain. She was just another woman whose heart he’d ripped in two. He hoped the backlash didn’t last for long.

‘Then why are you hitting the ball like your racket’s made of dough?’ his dad asked.

Scrubbing a hand over his face, he knew coming to France had been a bad idea. His parents would pick at him until they got the full story, but he didn’t want a lecture on how stupid leaving Alicia had been. They wanted him to be happy, and she made him happy. Problem was, he could never do the same for her. Not until he retired, and by then she might have woken up and realised she deserved better than an absentee partner.

Sebastian pulled himself together. ‘I’ll play better this time.’

He did, but only through force of will, and even then it wasn’t enough to beat his dad. Dinner that night was torture, watching his parents fawn over each other like they were in the first throes of love. Maybe they were. After all, they didn’t have much alone time that he could remember growing up. He was almost ready to call it a night and give them some privacy, but after a hushed conversation between the two, his dad beat him to it.

Curiosity got the better of him. When his dad left, he asked his mum, ‘How did you cope when he was training?’

Her brows pushed together like she was figuring out he wasn’t just there for a visit, but she didn’t press him for information. ‘I love your father very much. Leaving home and travelling with him was the best decision I ever made. It meant I could stay close to him always.’

‘But didn’t you feel … rejected? Like he was paying more attention to his career?’

She sat next to him and took his hand. ‘If that was true you wouldn’t be here, would you?’

He cringed. That was a bit too much information, but then his mum said, ‘She must be very special to you if you would rather hurt yourself by leaving her than risk her feeling like you don’t care.’

Sebastian couldn’t answer straight away. All he could think about was waking up next to Alicia, hearing her laugh at one of his jokes, and seeing her hot and flushed beneath him, her gaze shining with more than pleasure. It had been love, real love. Not what he had with Mai – that had been two people desperate for a connection trying to make it work. With Alicia, everything was genuine.

‘She is. She’s amazing.’

She squeezed his hand. ‘Does she love you?’

He remembered her in his arms, probably asleep, declaring her love. Then the next day, giving up her job. Despite what she claimed, he had no doubt she did it so she could be with him. Would she do that if she wasn’t trying to really make a go of it?

If he was honest, he’d seen her emotions long before that – the night at her sister’s engagement party when she admitted she cared for him. If he’d been paying attention to his own feelings, he’d have realised the way he felt then was more too.

‘She does.’ He swallowed hard. ‘And I’ve never loved anyone the way I love her.’