Second Rate Chances (16 page)

SECOND RATE CHANCES

CHAPTER 18

Sam loved the feel of Lil in his arms. He had imagined holding her like this, kissing her until her lips were the red, swollen shade they were now, since he laid eyes on her in the hospital. Everyone said he was in love with another woman, but he couldn’t fathom loving anyone like he did Lil.

             
“The pizza’s going to get cold,” she said.

             
He wanted to say screw the pizza so he could lay her across the couch and remind her of all the ways he loved her, but it was too soon.

             
He probably shouldn’t have been kissing her, but he couldn’t seem to tell his mind or his heart that. Lil was his. She wasn’t Toby’s. He wasn’t Chloe’s. They were each other’s. And for as long as he could, he was going to kiss her whenever he wanted. Touch her as often as he could.  He could see it in her eyes, the dark shade of blue they turned when she wanted him. He wanted her just as much, but it was all about timing. The catch with that was Sam didn’t know how much he had left. He could wake up tomorrow and remember everything. But one thing he knew he could never forget was the feel of Lil wrapped in his arms.

             
“Fine,” he playfully huffed out. “Let’s eat instead of making out.” He rolled his eyes for dramatic flair.

             
She swatted his chest and walked away to the kitchen. The loss was immediate. He wanted to pull her back to him. Kiss her again. Feel the curves of her body under his fingertips.

             
Right now he’d have to settle for pizza and beer and the excuse of decorating her tree. Yeah, it might help him remember something from the last three years, doing something as normal as putting lights and garland on the tree, only he couldn’t care less about that right now.
             
He didn’t care if he ever remembered. As long as he never forgot how much he loved her.

             
He followed behind her to the kitchen where she had set out two plates and two slices of pizza each. He grabbed the beers, fighting the urge to lean over and put his lips against her cheek. Her hair was tucked behind her ear, so the shot was lined up perfectly.

             
“You want to eat in the living room?” she asked, turning to him, drawing him out his vision. He nodded dumbly, then followed her back to the couch.

             
They ate in silence for a moment. Both of them filling their bellies with Mazzio’s Pizza. It was the only kind he and Lil ever ordered: meat lovers with onions and peppers.

             
“How was your day at work?” He asked between bites of food and pulls from his beer.

             
She shrugged. “Unproductive.” She turned to him and offered him a shy smile. He knew all too well what had been on her mind because it had been on his too.

             
“Yeah?” he teased. “Was something on your mind?”

             
She bowed her head but the telltale sign of the blush creeping in gave her away.

             
“Something like that.”

             
He bumped his shoulder against hers and when she looked over at him, he smiled. “I was unproductive too.”

             
A few more bites of pizza went down before she asked him about his day.

             
“I hung out with Kane and Abe playing video games all day. They had the day off.”

             
“You hung out with them? Things are getting better?” She asked with wide, hopeful eyes.

             
Sam nodded. “Thanks to you. I don’t know what you said, but thank you. I can’t imagine what it was like for them not to be in my life. Doing something as simple as playing games all day? How could I miss that?”

             
“I’m glad for you, Sam.” Lil smiled at him, warming him from the inside out. “Really glad.”

             
“Like I said, it was all you.”

             
Lil took a long swallow from her beer bottle. “So video games, huh? Like old times?”

             
“Oh, you have no idea. Did you know Abe still wears that short, silk robe?”

             
Sam hadn’t realized Lil was drinking when he asked this. She snorted, held her nose, and almost coughed up beer all in one second. She looked over at him as she set the bottle down.

             
“Are you serious?”

             
“Dead serious. They asked me to come over around brunch. What in the hell is brunch time, ya know?” Sam laughed. “So I showed up at like, ten after ten this morning and there’s Abe, answering the door in that damn robe.

             
“You know when I lived with them in college and even after college when I crashed at their apartment, I saw him in it countless times. But nothing ever really prepares you seeing a grown man’s ass. Especially at,” Sam held up his hands making air quotes and said, “brunch.”

             
Lil fell back onto the couch, holding her stomach, she was laughing so hard.

             
“I’m glad my discomfort amuses you,” he said dryly.

             
She wiped her eyes and calmed down long enough to say, “Remember that time the three of you went out drinking, while Ellie and I had dinner and saw a movie? You called me from their house, after walking back from Rusty’s, for me to come and get you?”

             
“Yeah, and if I recall correctly, you told me to stay there. That you weren’t coming to get me so I could throw up in your new car,” he added.

             
Lil nodded her head up and down, the laughter returning. “Yes! I had just bought the Tahoe. The next morning, Ellie and I came to pick you up and Abe answered the door in his robe.”

             
Sam laughed along with her. “Wasn’t that the first time Ellie had seen him in it?”

             
“Yeah,” Lil said. “And I think that’s what started the feud between them. She realized he had a better ass than she did.”

             
They laughed about that story for a good five minutes. Lil stood with her plate and held out her hand for Sam. “You want me to take that?”

             
“Sure,” he said. He stood from the couch after she passed over him. “Why don’t I get the boxes down from the attic while you do that?”

             
“Sounds good. There should be four boxes up there. They all should say Christmas on them. One is lights, another two are tree decorations, and then I have a fourth that is table stuff.”

             
Sam nodded and walked down the hall until he was under the door for the attic. His height gave him the advantage at pulling the knob to lower the door and stairs. When he climbed up, he noticed that there wasn’t much in the way of storage up here. He saw a big box with a tree on the outside, and he considered pulling it down so he could put it on the curb for the trash man to pick up. Over to the side were the four boxes Lil mentioned. One by one, he lowered them down. He closed the attic door and carried each box to the couch, setting all four side by side.

             
He opened the first box, labeled lights, just as Lil rejoined him, two fresh beers in her hands. They clinked bottles and took a sip before tackling the lights on the tree. After a few moments of wrapping each strand around and around Sam asked, “Lil, if you have a pre-lit tree, why the lights?”

             
”Because I always add extra. It makes it brighter and with the tree in the window like this, I want people passing by to see how pretty it is.”

             
Made sense to Sam. He had always loved that picture window. A brightly-lit Christmas tree had been the first thing he pictured there when they looked at the house.

             
Once the lights were on, they followed the same movements with the garland. Lil had to show him how she liked for it to be looped through the branches in some places, and sticking out in others. She said it made the tree look fuller.

             
And when that was done, it was time for his favorite part-the ornaments. He and Lil had collected a new one each year. From their first tree in the dorm, to, well, the last year he could remember, he supposed.

             
One by one, they hung them from the branches. Neither said too much to the other. Sam was lost in his thoughts, remembering the trips they made to pick out the perfect symbol of their year together. Whether it was college life, buying a new car, graduation; they had a story for each one they hung on the three.

             
He came to a small box and as he opened it, a silver house that hung on a red ribbon fell into his hands. He rubbed it with his thumb, creating streaks in the silver. It was the last year he remembered. The year they bought the house. The same year she said they broke up.

             
He didn’t want to ask her about it in fear that it would dredge up bad memories and he was having too nice of a time with her, to have her cheerful mood sour. Carefully, he placed the ribbon on a limb that was in view of anyone who entered the house. Maybe he did this as a reminder for himself, the next time he came over, that he and Lil had been happy that year. They had bought a piece of property together. They had planned to start a life together. Things must have been okay for them to buy their traditional ornament together.

             
When his box was emptied, he spied a ball of mistletoe in Lil’s box. Knowing she wouldn’t make any sort of move on him with it, he crept up behind her, took the fake mistletoe out and held it behind his back. She was busy fixing lights and ribbon to notice him until he wrapped one arm around her waist and held the mistletoe above their heads with the other.

             
“Sam, what are you…” She looked up and breathed in deeply when she saw what was hanging over her head.

             
He turned her around, and without so much as a warning, he pressed his lips to hers.

             
“You don’t play fair, Sam,” she teased. He could tease right back.

             
“Oh, I don’t,” he said faintly against her mouth. He took her top lip between his teeth, then traced her bottom lip with his tongue. She moaned into his mouth, and the erection that had sprung up earlier when he had her in his arms, sprang back to life.

             
“How’s this for playing fair?” he asked, tickling her sides. She laughed and jumped back, holding out her hands for him to stop.

             
“Don’t,” she said, breathing heavily. “Don’t come any closer.”

             
“But I want to show you how I can play fair, Miss Harper.” He faked innocence, knowing once he had her pinned down from the tickle monster, his kisses weren’t going to let her up.

             
“I’m not kidding, Sam! Put the mistletoe down and finish the tree.”

             
“You’re no fun.” He pouted, setting the plant down on the coffee table. He went over to her box of decorations, pulling out the last two ornaments. One was in a delicate ivory box. He was careful to open it, afraid it might be a memento from Lil’s parents. When he opened the lid, his breath caught. This wasn’t something from Lil’s childhood. He knew for certain it wasn’t. This was something more recent, given the date engraved on it.

             
The pewter rattle shook as he lifted it out of its cradle. He looked it over with expectant eyes, wishing that it would tell him its secrets. He heard Lil gasp and his eyes flickered up to meet hers. The regret, or was that shame, in her watery eyes made his gut tighten. He started to see red. He was going to kill that no good son of a…

             
“Sam,” Lil said quietly. “I know what you’re thinking.”

             
Did she? Did she know that he thought of going down to Grayson’s and ripping Toby’s head off? Did she know that his heart was now in a million pieces and he wasn’t sure if knowing Lil had once carried the life of another man inside her body made him seethe with rage? No. She couldn’t have known any of that.

             
“Sam,” she said again, stepping closer to him. “It wasn’t Toby’s.”

             
His eyes widened but before he could ask who, she told him.

             
“The baby was yours.”

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SECOND RATE CHANCES

CHAPTER 19

This wasn’t how she had planned to tell him.  Sure, she had planned to spill all their dirty secrets tonight, but she hadn’t wanted him to find out like this.

             
“Sam, sit down. Please,” she added. Her eyes were blurry from the tears that threatened to spill over. Every year when she opened that box, she cried not only for the loss of her unborn child, but for the man she loved.

             
He did as she asked and she took the seat opposite of him. For whatever reason, she felt like she needed his nearness to get through the story. He was a calming presence and right now, she needed all the calm she could muster.

             
“I had planned on telling you tonight,” she clarified. “I just thought…”

             
“We had a baby?” he asked, his voice scratchy like he hadn’t spoken in years rather than a few passing minutes.

             
She shook her head no, looking down at her hands. “We lost a baby.”

             
“What happened?” he suddenly demanded.

             
Lil drew in a deep, shaky breath, and started the story from the very beginning.

             
“It was several weeks after we moved into the house,” she began, “when I got sick. We thought it was the flu. I was throwing up, fever, and chills.

             
“But when I realized I was late, well, I took a pregnancy test.” Lil wiped past the tears that had fallen silently down her face. “You came home from work and found me in the bathroom, knees drawn to my chest, staring at the stick.” She let out a small laugh at the memory of Sam’s face when he walked in and saw what she was holding. He looked so scared yet so happy.

             
“You fell on your knees and held me and we cried.” She chanced a look at him to see that he was turning the rattle over in his hands. She blinked past the tears as she said, “We were going to have a baby.”

             
“We conceived it that night,” he said. “Our first night in the house, the day we closed. I remember making love to you that night.” He lowered his head and looked at her through his long lashes. “It’s the last memory I have of you. My mind, when I woke up in the hospital, was the day after.”

             
Lil nodded. He was right.

             
“I know it wasn’t in the traditional sense. I mean, you hadn’t even asked me to marry you.”

             
“I had planned to,” he interrupted. When he looked at her, his eyes were misty. “That day we closed on the house, my next step was buying you a ring. I had thought that maybe I’d ask you at Christmas. It was in my plans all along, Lil.” He hung his head in shame. “I hate that I can’t remember past that day, Lil. I can’t remember if I bought you a ring or not.” When his eyes met her again, she had to swallow past the lump in her throat. He looked so haggard, so defeated. “I wish I could remember.”

             
Lil gave him a half smile. Too little, too late now, she thought.

             
She nodded her head to the piece of metal in his hands. “We bought that together as our yearly ornament.”

             
“But the house?” he asked. Lil had to think for a moment on what he meant. When she realized he had hung the ornament symbolizing their first house she shook her head.

             
“Your dad got that for us. He knew how much we liked documenting our firsts.”

             
“So what happened?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper. She knew he was afraid to hear the rest. About losing the baby, and then losing her.

             
“Your dad had his Christmas party early that year. He and Josh were spending the break visiting schools.

             
“We weren’t going to tell anyone about the baby until after the first of the year. I mean, it was Christmas and we wanted to celebrate that, not to mention, your brother was leaving for college. We didn’t want to take the focus off of all of that. And I think a part of us wanted to be a little selfish too.” She smiled at him and was glad when he smiled back.

             
“But, you couldn’t keep your mouth shut and after we had been at your dads for not even an hour, everyone knew.

             
“They were so happy for us, Sam. We,” she stressed, “were so happy.”

             
“And then we weren’t?” he asked.

             
Lil sighed. “Looking back now I realize that was our last normal weekend. On Monday we had an appointment with the OBGYN.” She stood from the couch but Sam grabbed her hand. “I’ll be right back,” she assured him. “There’s something you need to see.”

             
She went to her bedroom and hidden in the very back of her closet, on the highest shelf, was a box she hadn’t opened in nearly three years.

             
She cradled it to her chest and rejoined him on the couch. Taking a deep breath, she passed the box to Sam who took it with shaky hands. She waited until he opened the lid and when the first tear fell down his check, she continued.

             
“We had a doctor’s appointment on Monday. They took a picture of our baby.” He held the picture up and studied the little bean that was captured on film. “It was no bigger than an apple seed, but it had a heartbeat,” she said through her tears.

             
“You held me when we heard the first thumps play and we cried right there on the exam table. Neither of us could believe that something was living inside of me. Something you and I had created.

             
“We were going to be great parents, Sam. We spent the whole day talking about what kind of person he or she would be.” She wiped the tears from her face and laughed. “You were convinced it was a boy.” He looked up from the ultrasound picture and smiled at her. “You couldn’t wait to teach him how to play video games and baseball.

             
“I was convinced it was a girl who would have you wrapped around her finger from the moment she took her first breath. You were still determined to teach her all the things you’d teach a son.”

             
Sam laid the picture back in the box and took her hand in his. He squeezed it as if giving her the courage she needed to proceed.

             
“You were so protective of me it got on my nerves!” He smiled at her and she loved seeing the look on his face.

             
“I'm sure I was,” he teased.

             
“Oh, you can’t begin to know what all you did.” She rolled her eyes, but her tone was playful. “You drove me to work every day because you didn’t want me driving behind buses.” She slid him a sideways glance. He was smiling. “You wouldn’t let me lift anything heavier than a pen. You don’t know how annoying that was for me.” He laughed this time and it was like music to her ears.

             
“In those few days, when everything was perfect,” she recalled, “There wasn’t a time when you didn’t have your hand on my belly, talking to the baby – telling it everything you, we, were going to do. I swear this kid was going to be so spoiled.” Lil laughed again, but it wasn’t long lived.

             
“It was a Friday, just four days after we heard its heartbeat. I wasn’t feeling well so I didn’t go into work. Everyone told me that my first trimester would be draining. That all I’d want to do, when I wasn’t throwing up, was sleep. They were right.”

             
This is where the story got difficult for her. Retelling the part that led up to them losing each other.

             
“When I woke up a little later on, I was bleeding. I freaked out. I didn’t know what to do. I tried calling your office but it went straight to voice mail. I knew I had to get to the doctor. I called them and explained what was going on. They told me to go straight to the emergency room.

             
“I called and called you but you never picked up. It wasn’t until later that I remembered you saying that you had a meeting that morning.” Lil sighed heavily. “I called Ellie. She rushed over and took me to the hospital. She took over trying to call you because I was cramping so bad I could barely speak.

             
“She got through, to who we don’t know, but she left a message for you to call her.” That still bothered Lil. She didn’t know who took the message, but they failed to pass it on to Sam. It wouldn’t have saved their baby, but maybe him being there for her earlier than he was, would have helped saved their relationship.

             
“You didn’t show up until I was already home. Ellie stayed with me until you got off work. You never got the message and I knew you were telling the truth. That night, we cried and held each other but after that…” Lil shrugged her shoulders. “That was the last night we were us.”

             
“Lil.” Sam sighed, but Lil held up her hand, halting his words from going any further.

             
“Please,” she said through her tears. “Let me get this out.” After taking a deep breath, she continued to the worst part of it all. Not that losing a child wasn’t awful, but losing Sam tore her world upside down.

             
“After that night, we retreated in our own shells. We tried being there for one another, I can see that now, but it was hard for us to console each other when I hardly came out of the bedroom and you hardly came in.

             
“It’s taken a lot of therapy for me to realize that it wasn’t your fault, that I was just as much to blame.” At Sam’s perplexed expression, Lil added, “we stopped talking. I didn’t talk to you. I didn’t tell you how bad it hurt that you pulled away from me. It was like you couldn’t look at me. I was afraid you thought I was a failure of a woman.” Her sobs racked her body. Lil felt the couch dip next to her and before she saw that he was next to her, she felt Sam’s arms as he pulled her close to him.

This is what she had wanted all those years ago. She wanted him to hold her tight and tell her it was going to be okay. She wanted to be able to tell him all her fears then maybe he’d still be here now.

             
She rested her head on his chest. The tears fell like rain, soaking his shirt. The harder she cried, the tighter he held her.

             
Finally she said, “When you left, you said we needed some space. I remember thinking, isn’t that what we’ve been giving each other? Space? We were both hurting, Sam, and instead of turning to the other to get us through the hardest time in our relationship, you turned to work, and I turned into a walking zombie.

             
“The problem with you giving me space was that you never came back. I should have gone after you, but I was so lost in myself that I couldn’t fathom how torn up you were too.” She looked up at him, her face streaked with tears. “My therapist has been really great at helping me see things. I just wish I had been smarter. That both of us would have been smarter. We should have fought for each other and we didn’t. Along with the baby, I lost the only man I ever loved.” The only man she still loved, she wanted to add but was afraid it was too soon after telling him about their break up.

             
“The thing is,” she said, gripping his shirt in her fist. “I can see we were both to blame but it’s like a piece to the puzzle is still missing. I can’t fully come to terms with what happened to us until you tell me. You never did tell me,” she mumbled into his chest.

             
“I’m sorry,” he whispered and kissed the top of her head. “Lil, I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry.” His voice hitched as he apologized for sins he couldn’t remember committing. She didn’t have to see his face to know that he was crying too.

             
She sank further into him as he continued to hold her. She wasn’t sure if he was trying to make up for lost time and she didn’t care. Until Sam remembered she wouldn’t get the answers she so desperately sought. But for now, for now she’d settle for being in his arms, and being held. Being the one who once carried his unborn child. The woman, Lil now realized who was still madly in love with him.

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