See How She Runs (13 page)

I started the coffee pot and rummaged
through some cabinets before coming out with some oatmeal. I set
about preparing my breakfast, refusing to let anything get to me
today. The last few days I had been such a complete train wreck. It
was time to move on. For real, this time. No matter if I was on my
own, I could not wallow in my own vat of sadness. I was not some
emo teenager after all. Adults had to suck it up and trudge
forward, and that was precisely what I intended to do.

I ate in silence and cleaned up my dishes.
The only sound accompanying me the thwack of Kennan’s axe as he
mutilated the poor unsuspecting logs. I headed to the door and
stuck my head out asking Kennan to come inside. He gave me a
quizzical look, but humored me.

“I need you to unwhammy me now," I said with
determination.

“I don’t have to do it yet Izzy. I can give
you a few more days of rest before you get sucked back into the
fog," he said hesitantly, obviously not sure what I was up to.

“I need to figure out how to work my head,
and the only way I can do that is if I am not blocked. Since I
can’t hike for a few days, and I can’t do any other sort of
training, I thought I might train my brain. Or at least try and
figure out how to work with what is going on up there." I looked at
him expectantly. Either he would argue the stupidity of what I was
trying to do, or he would do what I asked.

“Is this what you really want, Red? I mean,
it is all happening so fast. If you want to rest for a while and
get better no one would blame you." The sound of caring in his
voice put me on edge. I would not deal with that today. I could not
deal with it. I had an objective and I would move forward. Focus
and repress. Maybe that should be my new mantra. Focus, repress,
focus, repress. But certainly don’t focus on the repression.

“I need to do this. If you must know, I
would blame myself if I just lounged about while the world is
getting well and truly thrashed by bad guys. If I am going to make
a difference, I can’t really take a vacation, Kennan. If you
remember, I did not come out here of my own accord. This is not
some fun hiking excursion for me. So the sooner I embrace what is
going on and how much everything has changed, the better." The last
statement spoke as much to our relationship as every other
circumstance of my life.

A look of understanding passed behind
Kennan’s eyes before he moved toward me. He placed his warm hands
on either side of my face before bending his forehead to brush my
own. His heat radiated inside of me and melded with my own like we
were two parts to a whole. I cursed my treacherous body while he
set about lifting whatever protection he had placed two days
before. I felt the weight rush in instantly and swayed with its
impact. Kennan’s hands steadied my shoulders as I got myself under
control. I took a deep breath and looked him in the face.

“Thanks, that’s all I needed," I said before
disentangling myself from his arms and heading back toward my room.
I still had a letter to read from my mother. It was just the sort
of distraction I needed. With any luck, I might get some questions
answered in the mix.

I walked into my room and sat down on my bed
with my back against the log wall and my legs crossed. I opened the
letter, knowing that a vision was possible, yet once again, nothing
came. I pulled the paper from the envelope and noticed there were
several spots of smeared ink and the words were runny in
places.

My Dear One,

It is time. I don’t have very long before I
must leave you. In fact, I just have a few hours. I just wanted to
say goodbye. I know there is so much more that I should have told
you. I know that in the grand scheme of things I am leaving you
with more questions than answers. I just don’t have time to explain
it all. If you ever need me, you can find me in your dreams. As
long as I live, I will be there. Call out to me and I will answer.
I love you more than you will ever know.

Be brave my sweet girl. You have been my
sunshine these last 8 years. I hope that someday that brightness
shines on the rest of the world. I know what I hope from you, and
what others will ask of you, but ultimately the choice is yours.
Remember to trust yourself, you know how to do everything you need
to. You just have to trust in yourself to find the right path. I
will miss you so much, my little Izzy bear.

Please don’t ever doubt that you were and
are still loved. Goodbye.

I hope that someday we may meet again beyond
the fog. I hope that God grants me the strength to make it long
enough to help you. But most of all I hope that God grants me
enough days to see you safe.

I love you without end,

Mom

I wiped the tears from my eyes, once more
feeling her love seep from her words. I finally admitted to myself
how much of a void her absence had left in my life. I was always
close to both of my parents, but my mother was like an ethereal
creature. She was the light to my father’s darkness. There was
always something so guarded and cautious about my father. He loved
us both without abandon, but he was never carefree like my mother.
Even knowing all she knew, she was still able to give me a
childhood filled with joy and adventures under the Alabama sun. I
missed them both so much. The years that I had repressed, the
longing suddenly came rushing back to haunt me.

I lay down on my pillow, hoping to pull
myself back to the present, but instead I was pulled into a parade
of phantoms once more. Polaroids of time flash before my eyes like
an old photo album. I saw my mother’s face lit up with a knowing
smile while she was held under my watchful father. I saw my father
twirling me in the air and remembered screaming, "Higher!" I saw
snippets of a childhood filled with love and laughter. But in the
periphery I caught glimpses of my mother’s worry. I caught silent
talks between my mother and father when they thought no one was
watching. The first eight years of my life were laid out like
stepping stones.

Hours slipped away as I lay there immersed
in a time long gone. I finally allowed myself to mourn the loss of
my father. To mourn the loss of a mother that I may never see
again. I finally understood that it was not just my childhood that
was altered by the Corporation. In so many of my memories, a ghost
of Kennan echoed. He was there with my father as they shared inside
jokes, borne over hundreds of years of history together. It was not
just me that had lost my parents. Kennan lost his best friend, and
yet he still promised to watch out for me. I knew that it must be
impossibly hard to face someone that was a constant reminder of
everything he had lost.

I lay there, inanimate, for some time before
the knocking on my door pulled me from my thoughts. I rubbed my
eyes checking for moisture, but found they were finally dry.

“Yeah?" I choked out, hoping the frailty in
my voice was not evident to anyone else.

“Umm, Iz?” Kennan asked hesitantly.

“What?" I made no effort to get up and move
to the door. He could tell me what he wanted from where he was. I
really had nothing left to give him on this day. My tears had run
dry and my emotional gauge was resting at empty.

“Can I come in for a minute? I need to say
some stuff. Well,” he sounded off, like he had something stuck in
his throat, “yeah, please just let me in.”

“It isn’t locked, Kennan. Just come in." I
didn’t mean to sound brusque, but like I said earlier, nothing left
to give.

He opened the door and I noticed the sadness
lingering behind his eyes. He looked at me and it was as though my
expression physically punched him in his gut. He looked back toward
the living room as though to leave but then he straightened his
shoulders and moved into my room. He sat down on the end of the
bed, as far from me as the small bed would allow.

“I am sorry." He hung his head in his hands
and for the first time I saw all of those years float around him. I
saw images of his past flicker before my eyes. Years and years of a
life of waiting for the one he was meant to guard. It was as though
I could pluck anything from his life and watch it unfold.

I must have unleashed something when I had
my trek through my own history. I did not know if I could read
Kennan so easily because of our history, or if this was something I
would be able to do with anyone. I did not feel right prying
through all of his memories, so instead I focused on the present
and brought myself back to something I had rarely ever heard Kennan
do. He had apologized.

“Why? What are you sorry for Kennan?" Sorry
you ever met me, I added silently.

“I am sorry because you deserve better than
me. I am sorry because I have been an ass the last few days. I
don’t know how to be objective with you. Mostly, I am sorry that my
behavior has caused you to retreat into yourself and go through
what you just did on your own. I could have been there to help you
learn how to sift memories. I felt it when you started and I did
not even try and help.”

I looked at him, shocked that he knew I had
just paraded through my memories for the past few hours, yet did
not bother coming in to check on me until it was all over.

I was even more surprised to find my anger
just a smoldering coal. It appeared that my emotions were going to
be taking a hiatus for the rest of the day. In their place I was
left with a certain sense of detachment. So instead of getting
emotional or responding to his apology, I decided to strive for
information.

“Can I do that with everyone? Sift through
their memories?" I asked, curious as to whether or not he had felt
me on the edges of his memories fanning through them.

“Yes, you can. Your mother could as well. It
is a rare talent with your kind. It is much easier for you to do it
with someone you have known for a while. But I would prefer you not
sift through my memories if it is all the same to you," he said,
with a knowing look.

“Well, how am I supposed to figure out how
to do it without someone to test it on, Kennan?" I was really
hoping to get some sort of practice in today.

“I will make you a deal. You only sift
through my memories from before you were born." He grabbed my face
and turned it toward his own before continuing. “I will know if you
go tromping where I don’t give you permission, and you won’t like
what happens if you do.”

I felt myself heat up internally. My body
responded to the threat in his voice as well as the fire burning in
his eyes. He might have been able to tamp down his feelings and
remain distant earlier, but now his emotions were coming off of him
in strong waves. I shook myself free of him and stuck my right hand
out.

He looked at it and then engulfed my small
hand within his own. “I promise not to tromp where I am not
welcome. Maybe you could put up some mental ‘NO TRESPASSING’ signs
or something," I said, hoping to steer us into less emotional
waters.

He nodded and then looked at me sternly as
if to scold me. “I am trusting you, Izzy. There are things in there
that I don’t want to be seen. Not by you. So you stick to the stuff
from long ago. It will be easy to sift through and find it. The
memories that seem clearest are my most recent memories from what I
understand. So look for the ones that seem fuzzy around the edges
or just out of reach. Those should be safe. But the minute I feel
you brush up against memories that aren’t yours we are done. Do you
understand me?”

“Yes sir," I said, before mock saluting him.
“So, how does this work? Do I just sort of woowoo you somehow, or
should I touch you? Is there a chant or something?”

“From what your mom said, physical contact
makes the connection easier. You can do it without touching, but
she always said the images were much clearer when she was touching
someone," he said, before leaning back against the wall as if to
brace for what was to come.

“Alrighty then. Let’s get to this then," I
said as I reached out and grabbed his hand once more.

I let the warmth of his hand surround my own
and tried to find his memories but there was nothing there. Nothing
but my hand perfectly nestled in his. I opened my eyes and breathed
out heavily.

“Nothing is happening. Are you sure there is
not some sort of chant? Am I supposed to sacrifice a chicken or
something?”

“It isn’t a ritual. Izzy. Just try and clear
your head, which I know is asking a lot from you. But just let your
mind wander. Don’t try and force it," he said with a trace of his
old humor.

So I did what he asked me. I grabbed his
hand in mine once again and waited. I tried not to think of
anything. Which, by the way, is incredibly hard, because the more I
tried not to think of anything, the more stuff I thought about.
Eventually, I got to a place where everything seemed foggy. I
breathed slowly like all of my yoga classes, okay videos, had
taught me, and tried to center myself. I focused on Kennan and
noticed a constant stream of images pulsing around him. Millions of
memories layered one on top of the other shifted around Kennan. His
entire history lay at my mental fingertips.

I spent the next few hours sifting through
his past memories. I watched battles play out. I watched as he
played tricks on my father. I watched him train. I watched the
world shifted and changed around him as he stayed the same. He was
an immovable object in a changeable world. I witnessed the sadness
and loneliness that he felt throughout his long life. I saw him
long to finally meet the one he was meant to protect just so his
days could end. Then I saw him meet my mother for the first time. I
saw how her joy calmed his spirit, and how he had finally found a
home with my father and mother. Just before he pulled his hand away
from my own I saw myself as a baby.