Seven Shades of Grey (25 page)

VikSin
: why?

Dolly66
: I don’t think any answer will explain things. … I will figure things out and be back

With those words she was gone before I could type another word to her.

And the boat sank, consumed by a mile-high wave.

The bomb harnesses were ready to let go of their payload; the push of a button, a command from the pilot, was all that was needed.

I banged my hand on my desk, and my startled secretary rushed into my office.

‘Everything OK, sir?’

‘Yes. I would like a cup of coffee please,’ I replied, a comical picture of embarrassment and rage.

‘Right away, sir.’ She closed the door as she let herself out.

I rested my elbows on my desk and nestled my aching head in my palms. It throbbed like a million jackhammers let lose. I closed my eyes and tried to think this one through, but the storm had consumed the boat of rationality, plunging it ever deeper into the depths of a never-ending ocean.

What had I said or done to warrant this?

Was this a new cat-and-mouse game being played?

Something had triggered this reaction from her, and why could I not put my finger on it? I opened my eyes and stared at the monitor.

The bomber was still in flight, bomb bay doors open, harnesses off, and the bomb ready for release. Then a lightning bolt hit my brain.

I was still connected to the Net. Instinctively I headed to my mail server to check for email. There was one dated the previous day from Dolly66. I clicked it open, the button was pushed by unseen hands and the bomber let go of its payload. As the screen opened up in front of me a nuclear bomb was on its way, whistling through the atmosphere, laser-guided motion seeking its target.

Hey! What’s up?

I want to tell you that first off I am not a religious person. So in me No Maa or anyone. God for me is the truth the intelligence we use to know what is what in life.

Pls do not get me wrong. i cannot believe there are supernatural powers. That is fear in my opinion. You may or may not be upset or wonder why I write like this now. But am on my own now and want to find out the truth but u always have me as a friend and at any time pls understand u can come and say hi.

I feel the need to write so I did. Nothing to do with you or Maa or anyone.

Tell dolly hello from me and take care. You can come to Singapore anytime both are welcome to my house, anytime.

Take care

bye

cheers

dolly nair

Although there was an explosion, the nuclear bomb was far away from its target, still whistling through the air. It still had far to go, was yet to explode.

The raging winds disappeared in a flash, the sea still choppy as anger left and bewilderment took over. My brain was stuck at just one thought:
God is a manifestation of fear?

I could not believe Dolly66 had typed these words. But the email was there as plain as daylight for me to see. The sea remained choppy and confused, clueless of what to do next. I downloaded the message to read it over and over again. I logged off from the Net and sent for my secretary.

‘No, calls today, please,’ I said.

‘But sir, you have … ’

‘I don’t care who it is, no calls. Cancel all my appointments for the day.’ I did not let her finish. She saw the look in my eyes and did not further the discussion. She walked out of my office closing the door behind her.

God is a manifestation of fear!

I could have handled these words coming from anyone except from the one who had sent them to me. How could Dolly66 make such a statement? After all that she and I had been through, what had triggered her mind to say this?

My brain went numb. I read the email over and over again, and out of sheer exhaustion I closed my eyes, leaned back in my chair and fell asleep. I could not even dream. My senses were all shut down. No thoughts came, or even if they did I could not remember them. I had lost my mentor on the Net. I woke up when the phone rang on my desk. I did not answer it, so my secretary did. My mind went back to the email that was still on screen, a zillion questions racing through it.

Is this the woman through whom Maa chose to show herself to me?

Was this the same woman that my Professor had visited to reach out to me?

Were the last few weeks a cruel joke?

An ache arose in my heart and a lump formed in my throat. I looked at the picture of Maa on my desk and I wept. I could not see the picture clearly as my tears blurred my vision. I wiped them and tried to focus on her image. All I could see was the color red that made up most of her image. She was cloaked in blood and had lost her characteristic bluish-black. The tears did not stop.

I had been honest from the start. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I only wanted to help those who got in touch with me. Yet why did I hurt so much?

I sipped some water from the glass on my table and tried to calm my mind. The last few weeks had not been a dream. I had to convince myself of this. I opened every email that Dolly had sent me and read them again. In every one of them she had mentioned her understanding of Maa and why she and I would grow old together in this path that we shared. In every email she had mentioned that she loved me more because she understood my spiritual side. In every email the tone was of love. And then there was the one I had received today.

It just did not make any sense
.

I was numb with sorrow.

The rest of the day was spent in solitude, as I did not log on to the Net. I did not meet anyone in my office, and my secretary steered clear of me. My staff could sense that I was upset, a frown plastered on my face warning all to stay away. As evening arrived I made one last desperate attempt to set things right. I wrote Dolly66 an email begging forgiveness for a wrong that I did not understand or know I had done. I asked her just to explain what she meant by leaving me alone and walking. I asked how she would get back to me. Sending it brought no relief, for I knew there would be no reply. And the bomb still whistled through the air, honing in on its target.

I headed home early, went to my altar and lit some incense. I looked at Maa and there was a smirk on her face. I wanted to reach out and throw the picture out the window. Why had my mother hurt me so much? I was losing faith in her. How could she allow me to interact with such a person? Was Dolly66’s most recent email a lie, or were the previous ones parts of a charade? It did not matter. The point was simple – why me?

I got up from the altar in a huff and left for my bedroom, changing into my nightclothes and going to bed hungry. My appetite had left me a long time ago. That night I tossed and I turned, trying to recite the mantras that had earlier brought me peace of mind, but this time around I could not even remember them. I was so devastated with that one statement that I forgot all the knowledge that I claimed to have read, understood and practiced. The effect that Dolly had on me was devastating. My body felt as if it had been through a wringer. Out of sheer exhaustion, I passed out. All through the night the bomb whistled, making a beeline towards its target, a target that thought it had already been destroyed, not knowing a nuclear bomb was on the way to annihilate it completely.

I dreamed again that night. A series of dreams came and went; I could not remember any one of them when I awoke. My head was heavy and my body ached. I had slept with my air-conditioning on full, and yet I had woken up to find my body soaked in sweat. I had no energy left in me.

Tuesday morning came and I was still in bed at 10 am. I had woken up from sleep at six but just did not feel like going to work. The phone rang: it was my secretary who wanted me at the office, as there were some faxes that needed my attention. I tried to wiggle out of it but she insisted I get there. I knew she would not insist if she felt she could handle my absence. I had to get back to work.

I took a shower and stood for a while under the cold water. It felt good. The ache in my head subsided a bit but did not leave me completely. I tried to gain control of my mind, and I could tell I was making some progress. I stepped out of the shower, dried my aching body and opened my cupboard to get some clothes. As I opened the door a couple of books that I stored on the top shelf fell down. I bent down to pick them up and stared at the book that was lying on top of the pile.

It was one that had gone out of print in the early 1950s. I had acquired this copy from a seller of waste paper. I had forgotten all about it. The book dealt with psychic phenomena and was a bible of sorts for every student of the occult. I reached out, took the book in my hand and felt a surge of power traveling up my arm. It felt good but my body still ached. I forgot about my clothes as I held the book close to my chest. There was a lot of positive energy that flowed from there to me. I was getting my strength back. And the bomb was getting closer.

I knew I did not have time to read it, as I had to attend to work at the office. I made a mental note to read it when I got back and placed it on the top shelf along with the others that had fallen. I put on my clothes and headed to the office. On the way I felt the first pangs of hunger. I had skipped dinner the previous night and had forgotten to have breakfast this morning.

As I entered my office I saw my secretary staring at me. She was still wondering about yesterday. I smiled at her and asked her to order me some breakfast along with a pot of her best coffee. She smiled back and I felt much better. Hoping against hope, I logged into my email server consciously avoiding Messenger. There was a message from Dolly66. The bomb whistled closer. I clicked it open.

Bapu,

U now beg for forgiveness of something u claim u don’t know what u have done. So why beg for forgiveness? I am only sorry that I could not tell u the truth earlier but since the chat with imthi I have always wanted to. He is a very good friend and told me to tell u the truth. See I was going thru lots of problems in my life n imthi helped me n then u came online with me. I liked to talk to u because imthi was very busy with projects. But afterwards when I would talk to him he would tell me to be honest with u, imthi was upset about u calling me ‘my love’ because I call him that. He has helped me like no one else has b4 n I love him. In conference that day he wanted to be sure there was nothing between u n me even though I told him that.

I called u Baba because I call everyone that. But every time I chat with u I get the feeling I am talking to my father, always giving me advice of what to do and what not to do. U cannot understand everything that I have been thru with my life and still u have advice for me. That is why I call u Bapu, the father who knows it all.

I don’t believe in ur MAA KALI or professor, yes I made a fool of u. For that I am very very sorry. I don’t believe that any supernatural power controls us n I know I told this before. I cannot understand how ur wife can tolerate u chatting with other women and also hunting for a man who has been dead for years. Vikram people don’t come back from the dead, it is useless to believe that anyone can actually see dead people.

But now imthi will come to Singapore n I will leave Prem because I cannot live any more lies. I don’t believe anything happened between u n me. I don’t think that there were any dreams that connected us, it was just both of us being stressed and mind being overactive we saw things that we wanted to see. U r a nice man n I am sorry I took u for a ride but it was good while it lasted. By sending offline messages n imthi seeing them he was scared to lose me to someone else n so now he is ready to marry me after I leave prem. I am happy things have worked out nicely n little sad that u were made fun of. If u n ur wife come to Singapore u can stay with us, I will be moving to bigger house after my new marriage, I hope I can make it up to u in this small way.

Can u please forgive me?

Cheers

Dolly Nair

Achilles had his heel, Samson his hair. My very reason for existence was my belief in MAA and Professor, and that is where I was assaulted. The nuclear bomb hit its target, exploding on contact. A blinding flash, intense energy released, a mushroom cloud raced skywards, annihilating everything in its path, in the air, on land and most importantly in my head. The world around me spun uncontrollably; the last I remember was collapsing in my chair.

‘Mr. Singhal?’ a feeble distant voice called out.

‘Mr. Singhal!’ it emphatically yelled at me.

My eyes flickered open.

‘Huh?’ I heard the mutter escape my throat. My eyes saw my secretary, hand on my shoulder, shaking my ample frame, trying to resurrect the dead. I saw my office boy petrified and staring at me, a sandwich and coffee mug on a tray held by shaking hands. I started to get up in my chair.

‘Are you all right, sir?’ my secretary inquired.

‘Huh? Yes, I am ok. What happened?’

‘The office boy had brought your breakfast and coffee when he saw you shaking uncontrollably, unconscious in your chair. He rushed out and called me. I tried to wake you and was about to call Dr. Das. Are you ok, sir?’

‘Yes I am fine; it must be lack of sleep. I must have dozed off.’

‘I have been trying to wake you for the last twenty minutes or so, was really getting worried. Should I get Dr. Das to come over?’ her inquiring voice droned on.