Seven Shades of Grey (28 page)

VikSin
: u don’t have to, my heart understands

Delta2000
: see that is the other thing about u, dont need to give u lots of explanations … lol

VikSin
: ha ha ha

Delta2000
: good to see u laugh, when is ur wife coming back?

VikSin
: tomorrow

Delta2000
: great then for one week I will not talk to u, don’t want u to divide ur time with the internet

VikSin
: yes that seems to be the only threat I am getting, marilyn said the same thing this morning.

Delta2000
: we both know u very well

VikSin
: I know that from the bottom of my heart

Delta2000
: dont u ever forget that

VikSin
: I told u awhile back, I can never forget u n Marilyn ever

Delta2000
: I am feeling much better now, will go, hv to cook for tonight, see u in a weeks time

VikSin
: yes reshma, see u in a week, will leave u a message when I get back online.

Delta2000
: u do that, bye

*

My entire being still shivers every time I think of that Black Monday night; the night that Dolly66 let anger get the better of her and sent me an email that she knew would devastate me. The next day my brain had short-circuited as soon as I read it, just as she might have expected.

I still shiver a different shiver at the strength my friends generously doled out to me. Not one of them had been cynical, sarcastic or condescending. Each felt my pain; each was there to heal me. In this temporary prison of mine, Dolly66’s ghost still haunts me, but now I feel no fear, no pain.

Life makes one stand trial to help the soul understand the purity of love. I had been given my fair share and then some, and in this love I found myself, discovered peace. Now The Miracle awaits its appointed hour in a room spitting distance away from where I am brooding. None of this would have been possible without those friends who stood by me. Fear left the moment I consciously tried to reason with it. Dolly66 could never represent my life in cyberspace. She had been a nightmare, a child of darkness who came to show me another side of the world. Fear was the trail she left behind when she blazed like a comet out of my life. I was blinded by fear, but now the trail has burnt itself out.

Whether she experienced what she professed to have and then later denied is of no consequence now. It is my belief that stands tall.

MAA came to me, a fact I can never refute.

Professor came to me, his message was undeniable.

And my child is about to come to me.

What more proof would I ever need?

The events in themselves could mean little to one who merely heard about them. I know that less traumatic events have upset the apple cart of sanity for many. I have been blessed to see both sides of the coin and to come out stronger for my experience. It is not important for me to understand what happened; I just need the strength to believe what it taught me.

The dragon was mortally wounded; only a matter of time and it has breathed its last.

*

14. Selfless Love

The following evening after the two morale-boosting chats, I was at the airport to meet Dolly, to receive another kind of boost. Within minutes of the aircraft landing at Bombay airport, she and I were in our car heading home. She looked positively divine. I banished all thoughts of Dolly66 and was lost in the love that was my wife. On the drive back home, she filled me in with the details of her hometown, her parents and her friends there. After spending an hour on the road, we finally reached our apartment.

As soon as I had brought her travel bags inside the house, I locked the main door while Dolly made her way to the altar. I was a mute spectator viewing the brightest spot in my life and the more I gazed the more I loved her. She was oblivious to all of this, her hands folded, eyes gazing at MAA, lips thanking Her, soul praying to Her, a sight that was superbly divine. She radiated warmth and the tranquility that had eluded me for so long. As she bowed her head signifying the end of her short prayer, the rest of her body quietly withdrew, heading for the bedroom.

I followed her and noticed that she had stopped just inside the door, surveying the room that she had left behind for almost five weeks. I was behind her and instinctively hugged her from behind. She reciprocated the gesture by holding my arms that were still wrapped around her.
While we were still hugging, my lips trailed from her neck, longing to reach her soft, petal ones. She instinctively turned her head, her lips searching for mine, and divinity descended from the heavens to make us one just as the two pairs met. She tasted the same. My eyes closed: I had missed her so much.

‘I need to take a shower, sweetheart,’ she said as she unlocked her lips from mine.

‘Hmm, I like your natural bouquet.’

‘I am all sweaty and I have a surprise for you, so please let me go. I promise I won’t take long.’

A surprise! I
loved
the surprises she gave me, and this time I had one for her too. I opened my arms and she went to her suitcases, removed her clothes for the night and headed to the loo.

‘Be back in five minutes, sweetheart,’ she said.

‘I will be waiting, my love.’

As she bolted the door, I put my plan into action, retrieving what I had bought to make our first night truly memorable. Bringing out two large red candles, I placed them on either side of the bed. Next I replaced the bed sheet with a fresh satin one. The color had to be peach; both of us loved it. Then I got out flower petals: a combination of red rose and white mogra. I sprinkled them liberally on the peach-colored satin-sheeted bed. I then went out to the hall where our phone was located and made just two calls – one to her parents and one to mine, telling them of Dolly’s safe arrival in Bombay. I then took the phone off the hook. The main door had already been bolted.

I came back into the bedroom, closed the door and switched on the air conditioner. I stripped to my birthday suit, lit the two candles, sprayed Drakkar on my body and switched of all other lights. Having done so, I crawled into bed under the cover sheet, which was also peach-colored satin, and waited for my beloved to return. The flower petals were hidden from view as the cover sheet was laid on top of them. After ten minutes or so, I heard the door of the bathroom open. I was already aroused at the thought of making love to my wife, but I was turned on even more as soon as I saw her step out.

‘
Wow!
’ was the first word that escaped her lips when she saw the satin sheets and the room bathed in the soft yellow light of the candles. I was at a loss for words as I looked at her, my brain racing to my loins, firing them up completely.

She was dressed in a black body suit, which displayed her assets very well. The suit was made completely of lace and every curve of her well-endowed body was sneakily peeking at me. She had left her hair down and her luxurious mane added to her sensuality. Her lips were red with my favorite colored lipstick. She stood in the doorway for a brief instant, and I opened my arms to welcome her. Her eyes were full of love as they turned to gaze at me, and the rest of her slowly headed towards me, our eyes firmly locked in love, no sound escaping quivering lips. She looked heavenly.

She was soon in my arms. Two pairs of eyes closed as two pairs of lips locked again. Our arms were holding each other, lips fused together, tongues gently probing, dueling, reaffirming the love that made us glow. After what seemed an eternity my hands let go of her just long enough for me to lift the cover sheet, to reveal the flower petals and my raging manhood. She too broke the embrace as her gently opening eyes looked inside mine. The love that flowed was two souls housed in two bodies yearning to become one.

She looked at the petals and me in all my glory and crawled under the cover sheet beside me. That night love filled the entire universe, racing through loving hearts, panting bodies, aching loins. Not a word was spoken, nor warranted – our bodies did the talking. And soon the two exhausted bodies fell asleep in each other’s arms.

We lay there for more than half the night till I was awoken by the weight of her gently heaving body resting on mine. I gingerly moved her away from me, ensuring that she did not awaken. Our naked bodies were covered by a thin satin sheet and yet we felt no chill. The warmth of our bodies and the love in our hearts provided all the comfort we needed. As I lay on my side of the bed, sleep left me. In the dark still night I said a silent prayer to Maa, thanking her for bringing my wife back to me. My eyes were closed as I focused on Her and was still in the middle of my prayers when I felt a light glow.

The light grew steadily brighter, and then my closed eyes saw Maa bathed in it, once again. I first bowed in reverence and then raised my head to see her blazing eyes. The fire was there but I now understood that it was love that traveled from her eyes to me. The smile on her face was divine. And at that very moment a single thought raced in my mind; the thought that was destined to come true – ‘Maa is ready to come to me.’

For the next seven days I followed Marilyn’s advice. I forgot the Internet, forgot to check emails, and most importantly forgot Dolly66, making love to my wife being the sole purpose of my existence. And she felt closer to me too. We made love like two souls lost for eons who
had suddenly been reunited. Sweat-covered bodies forgot time, forgot chores, forgot each other, and every night ended better than the first. And every night MAA came to bless me. She came just after I had made love and just before my exhausted body drifted into slumber, a state of ecstatic limbo as reverent as prayer. I was in complete harmony with the world around, and my short-circuited brain slowly healed.

In other moments we discussed the five weeks we were away from each other. She did ask me about my friends on the Net, and I followed Marilyn’s advice to the letter. I never mentioned Dolly66 and the circumstances of her last communication. My wife did probe about her, and I closed the book by stating that she was not in touch with me.

*

A different kind of love flowed through us that week, sensual, erotic, fulfilling and ethereal. A different kind of shiver runs through me even now, ecstatic, loving and warming. And that love had borne fruit that is soon to arrive in another room.

My friends came back to help me heal and at their instance I had revealed all about Dolly66 to the original - my Dolly. And I was to see a different side of her; one that I never knew existed and one that made me love her even more. The sanctity of marriage was explained to me the day I probed about Dolly66.

*

It was a breezy Sunday a few weeks after Dolly had returned from her hometown. To ensure that Dolly66 never came back to haunt me or affect my marriage Marilyn and Reshma suggested that I reveal all to my wife. And that Sunday I did. I had made hard copies of the emails and the chats and handed them to her over dinner.

‘I don’t want to read them,’ she insisted.

‘But I want you to. I have never hidden anything from you, and all these years we have stood by honesty in our marriage. I feel that by not telling you I will be hiding a part of me from you.’

‘Has anyone else seen this?’ I know my Net friends were being referred to.

‘No, I have not sent out hard copies, but Marilyn and Reshma know the gist of it.’

‘And what did they have to say about it?’ a matter-of-fact question devoid of any kind of sarcasm.

‘Will tell you that after I hear your opinion.’

‘Fine. Will read it and let you know.’

Every day after that, I waited for a reaction. I wanted to hear that she had read all that I had given her, but she gave me nothing to go by. I could see no noticeable difference in her attitude either. We still went about our daily chores without any hint of a storm, at least none from her. My mind was at times attacked by a whirlpool sucking me into its vortex that I created with my own thoughts; she in contrast remained a complete picture of serenity. I decided then that I had to take the bull by its horns and confront her. If there was a storm brewing inside her, the sooner it got out the better - at least for me. The whirlpool had not yet given birth to a storm inside me, and I did not want to wait till one was born. The following Saturday I confronted her.

‘Dolly, could we talk?’ I inquired as soon as I had sipped my cup of tea, minutes after I had reached home from work.

‘What about?’

As if you don’t know?
I wanted to yell. Instead, I posed a simple question: ‘Have you finished reading what I gave you?’

‘Yes I have. What do you want to talk about?’ she replied - no sarcasm, no taunts, just a deadpan expression on her beautiful face.

‘Well what did you think about it?’ I probed.

‘What is there to think?’ she replied plainly.

‘You must have something to say about it all. Something about why you think she left or what happened!’ I prodded.

‘If you are wondering if I am angry or upset, then put your mind at ease. It does not matter to me,’ she replied, plain Jane.

‘Shouldn’t you be?’

‘Should I be?’

‘I don’t know. That is why I am asking you. Please talk to me.’ I motioned for her to sit in front of me on the bed. She obliged, and I thought this was it, the moment of truth, and the butterflies in my stomach decided to flutter from their hitherto comfortable perch. I tried to peer into her face to try to read her thoughts. I could not. Me the soothsayer, me the photo reader, me the traveler in the great void was sitting like another rabbit blinded in the headlights of another oncoming vehicle, too scared to move.

‘What did Marilyn and Reshma have to say about Dolly Nair?’ not a very surprising question.

‘They felt that she probably bit off more than she could chew. She probably fell in love with something in me and then realized she could not have it all, and that is why she thought it better that she left.’

My sunshine listened patiently, not an expression on her face.

‘Probably,’ she said softly.

‘What do you think?’ I continued probing.

‘Did they ask you to show these emails to me?’

Here was a question that really stumped me. I knew the answer to this one, but I sat like the rabbit in the headlights, too stunned to move.

‘No, they did not. Marilyn just suggested that I not discuss Dolly Nair with you for a few days after you got back. She did not want it to upset you or ruin your homecoming.’ I knew it was a white lie. I did not want to put my friends on the spot,
or was I merely protecting myself?

The statement made her snigger and for the first time I saw a hint of an expression adorn her face. It was one of contempt and disdain.

‘Well, she does not know me then, nor does she know what kind of relationship we share.’

‘What kind of relationship do we share, Dolly? I have given you a lot of material that could mean a lot and might even hurt you. But I want to explain things to you…’

‘Hurt me…? and you want to explain things to me…?’ Contempt made way for a frown, and anger raced to possess her.

‘What could you possibly explain to me? Fatso, I know you better than anyone on this planet, more than even you know yourself!’ And anger gripped her completely. Her body sat upright, eyes blazed and there was no stopping her now.

‘What could you ever explain to me? Nine years that I have lived with you have taken me through more than a lifetime of trials and tribulations, and do you still think you could explain things to me? I have seen you go through two failed businesses. I have seen you trying to go one way, your so-called well-wishers dragging you in the other. When the first one failed nothing was said to your face, but I heard most of the hushed whispers. When the second one failed they became bolder and yet did not have the courage to tell you to your face, but that does not mean they spared me.’

‘What did who say to you?’ it was my turn to frown.

‘It does not matter. You know who and what they had to say. I don’t blame you for not reacting violently to them because I know you. I know that you believed that probably you were to blame in some way, and trust me you were wrong to think that. I was not angry with them but was with you. I was angry because you were putting yourself down for no fault of yours, and still I kept my thoughts to myself. Then when we could not have a baby, things were said in whispers again. Not hushed enough for me
not
to hear. They said things about you, about our relationship, our marriage and all the so-called wrong that you did when you were in the States. When the rounds of the doctors were being done and each attempt failed, there was more whispering.’ She paused for breath and in a flash was scampering again.