Seven Shades of Grey (31 page)

Delta2000
: u r welcome

AlfaRomeo66
: had to be here vik, had to, panda is here too, he sends his wishes too

Axes26
: hey bro. what r little sisters for, I had to be here

bind99
: my my, I knew u had a lot of friends vik, but am really amazed here

VikSin
: not just friends Bindu, this is my family.

I had a lump in my throat, and my eyes turned moist reading what I had just typed.

VikSin
: please introduce yourselves, everyone, I want each one of u to know each other

AlfaRomeo66
: I am Marilyn from Canada, hello everyone

Delta2000
: this is Reshma from Bhopal, India

Axes26
: hi, this Aviva from New York City, originally from New Delhi

bind99
: hi, I am Bindu from Bombay India.

VikSin
: now everyone knows everyone here … lol

AlfaRomeo66
: we sure do

Delta2000
: yup

Axes26
: yes

bind99
: yes vik, all part of your family

VikSin
: I would also like to introduce my wife, Dolly she is right here watching the screen with me

AlfaRomeo66
: hello dolly, nice to have finally met u

Delta2000
: I just met her … lol

Axes26
: hello Dolly, I don’t know if vik told u I am his sister on the Net

bind99
: I have met dolly in person, she is wonderful

VikSin
: dolly says thank u n nice to meet you all. … ok people there was a reason I got u all together

My body was quivering with excitement. I could barely type. Dolly felt it too, and she placed her hand on my shoulder. I looked at her and saw a very compassionate glow in her eyes. That gave me strength to proceed. I turned to the monitor.

AlfaRomeo66
: am sure he wanted to collect his presents from everyone … lol

Delta2000
: I agree

VikSin
: well this time I have something to give u guys, n I mean all of u

Just then an ID called
crazee
_
in
entered the room. I noticed it but chose to ignore it, as this is a common occurrence in Yahoo. I had not made the room secure because I wanted to allow my friends to come in. For a moment I hesitated.

AlfaRomeo66
: what is it vik?

Marilyn’s words brought me back to the matter at hand.

VikSin
: ok we have a stranger in the room, but its fine by me

crazee_in
: hello everyone

VikSin
: this is a private room, crazee could u please leave

crazee_in
: I am sorry I will leave

VikSin
: thank u

I noticed that the person did not leave the room immediately but I chose to ignore that.

VikSin
: this is what I wanted to give you guys … dolly and I wanted to tell you that …

WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!

There was a pregnant pause as the message beamed to computer screens across the world, then a torrent of messages rushing to my screen.

bind99
: congratulations vik

Axes26
: congratulations brother

Delta2000
: vikram and dolly I could hug you.

I counted them and did not notice any from Marilyn.

VikSin
: Marilyn? U there?

There was still no reply from her.

crazee_in
: congratulations viksin, sorry I crashed into your party here, am leaving

VikSin
: thanks crazee

AlfaRomeo66
: this is panda, here vik, congratulations

VikSin
: great to see u panda, people this is panda, Marilyn’s husband

AlfaRomeo66
: thank u all, need to say this vik, please listen … Marilyn here is sobbing, unable to type n that is why I took over …

VikSin
: why Marilyn?

AlfaRomeo66
: she is just overwhelmed vik, I know that she has been praying very hard for u … give her a minute, am taking her to the toilet to wash her face n will be back

bind99
: vik n dolly I am really happy for u

Delta2000
: can’t stop my tears either vik, am really happy for u both

Axes26
: bro. I am very very very happy for u both, n thank u for making me a part of your family on the Net

VikSin
: u r welcome aviva, n reshma please stop crying, thanks Bindu

I was typing furiously, ignoring my own tears.

I would not have traded that chat for all the perfume in Arabia nor all the gold in Fort Knox.

bind99
: am very proud of u vik, u have some of the best friends in the world

VikSin
: each one of u is part of my family n that is why I wanted u guys here

I noticed to my relief that crazee_in had finally left the room.

AlfaRomeo66
: I am back, vik

Delta2000
: can understand how u feel Marilyn, I know u r very close to vik

AlfaRomeo66
: thank u reshma, when I read the words vik had typed I just could not control myself … my husband is holding me now n he can tell that I am shivering as I type

VikSin
: take a deep breath Marilyn

bind99
: vik has told me so much about u people, it is truly an honor to meet u all

VikSin
: Marilyn, my love, I had to share this with all of u together because I did not want anyone of u to feel left out, u all live in my heart n don’t u forget that

AlfaRomeo66
: I know vik, but I was very overwhelmed, am better now

Axes26
: bro. today I know u really are a lost brother of mine, I thank the Net for bringing us together

bind99
: same here vik, cant put it in words but am very happy

Delta2000
: vik n dolly may you have only happiness from this day on

VikSin
: Marilyn r u ok now?

AlfaRomeo66
: yes vik, I am

VikSin
: I would like to take Dolly out to dinner tonight, so with ur permission would like to lock up my office and go

Delta2000
: please do, bon appetit, n thank u for making me part of your life.

Axes26
: same here bro.

bind99
: am very happy for u vik n dolly, thanks for today

AlfaRomeo66
: go now vik, will talk to u soon, bye

VikSin
: bye everyone, n thanks for being here today

I shut my browser window and logged off from the Net. I looked at my wife; her make-up was smudged by tears. I could not control similar saline streams racing down my face. A whole New World had come to me through the computer. Today it had merged with the real world to remain with me forever. My duty was to remain as long as my friends were there too.

‘You did not tell Dolly from Singapore?’ my wife asked.

I looked at her and could tell that she was fighting her tears. The chat had overwhelmed us both.

‘I don’t know if she would have come, nor do I care if she knows or not. Let’s not ruin this evening by thinking of her, OK?’

She looked at me with questioning eyes, but mine gave her a different message. She did not want to press the issue on my birthday, but I knew she would not forget it.

That evening we dined at a traditional Moghlai restaurant. The evening was perfect. We discussed the Net, and Dolly liked all the friends I had made there. We got home late and went to bed. I went to my altar to light some incense. I looked at Maa and told her that I really missed Dolly66 that night.

Whatever the reason for her decision to hurt me, give her peace of mind
, I prayed. Maa gazed at me with the same celestial glow in her eyes, and I left to retire for the night.

Time started flying, blurring amidst doctor visits, path lab visits for blood tests and sonography visits to ensure that the baby was growing normally. I refused to know in advance if I was to have a girl or a boy, letting that remain a mystery. Dolly had tried to reason with me but gave up, seeing that I would not budge on this issue.

Every now and then Dolly66’s ghost would come back to haunt me. One day it lingered longer than normal. I had to exorcise it, and there was just one thing I could do.

I was at my computer updating records when I felt another poem coming.

Words

Words limit me, she said.

Words limit the word love, she said.

Words limit the feeling, she said.

Words limit the place in my heart, she said.

Words limit us, she said.

Words limit who you are, she said.

Words limit what you are, she said.

Words limit what we are, she said.

Words limit who we are, she said.

Words limit us, she said.

Words don’t come easy, she said.

Words don’t express enough, she said.

Words don’t do justice, she said.

Words don’t come close to the love, she said.

Words don’t understand, she said.

Words don’t care the way I do, she said.

Words don’t matter, she said.

Words don’t flatter, she said.

Words don’t mean anything, she said.

Words can’t mean enough, she said.

Love does not need words, she said.

Love does not need egos, she said.

Love conquers all, she said.

Love is one and be all, she said.

And yet the words ‘I want out’ that she said,

Make me feel no love, instead.

Why do words, that say so little,

Hurt so much, I say.

Why do words that spelt
love
,

Spell my tears, I say.

Why do words that spelt
trust
,

Spell
separation
, I say.

Why do I still pine for words,

When words limit pain, I say.

Why do I still yearn for words,

When words don’t matter, I say.

Why do I still want the love,

When words limited it, I say.

Why do I still want the words to flow,

When the well of words has dried up, I say.

Words, words, words,

Oh how I wish I had never heard this word, I say.

As I read what I had typed the ghost started leaving me, yet left behind questions for me to seek answers to. My mind had blocked out the very last email Dolly66 had sent me and focused on the last but one. There had to be a reason for her having penned that one, and someday I would want to know why.

*

15. The Miracle

My two worlds had merged a mere eight months ago to this day. The warmth and the joy still linger on, but the specter of Dolly66’s assault is also ever present. A while back the very thought of her sent me into spasms; now there were none. Since that fateful day of the nuclear holocaust, I had consciously tried to put her out of my mind, remaining blissful in denial. Yet I knew all along that someday I would have to confront her, bring her out of the confines of my mind. Today had been the day; today I have conquered my fear. There is just one question that continues to bother me. Today I must seek an answer.

The question was given birth to by a statement made by Dolly66 in her last but one email.

Is God a manifestation of fear?

Do humans have a need to believe? Is there a Supreme Power that controls life or is this just a clever creation of the human mind?

In my quest to find out who I am, I have met people who would baffle any rationalist. My Professor was one of them. Rationalists have debunked a lot of miracles, and yet there are some for which there is still no rational explanation. The biggest miracle before me is life itself.

Who or what created this planet?

Who or what is nature?

Why is it that man can produce everything and yet is unable to give life to any of his creations?

Why is the grass green and not red?

Why does coffee smell the way it does?

A thousand such questions had come to haunt me. I had searched for answers inside me and searched for answers outside me. A Supreme Power in the classical sense is very difficult to understand. Scientists have found evidence of evolution, and still there are missing links, inexplicable gaps in their theory and in available evidence.

I have read extensively on the aspects of most major religions of the world. Each has lost its original flavor because vested interests have distorted the true meaning.

Hinduism in its classical form worships some thirty million gods and goddesses. It is not possible to understand that so many super powers could exist. When each of the so-called gods or goddesses is broken down to its original form, only one truth stands firm: each can be traced back to a manifestation of nature. Lost in the sands of time is the reason why a particular name was given to this force of nature and why it was worshipped in the way it was and still is. I recall words I had been told when I had taken toddler-steps on the path to self-realization.

‘We humans need to give physical shape and form to thoughts, a sort of sensory clue to understanding that which has no shape or form. How could one give a form to air? Or to fire? Or water? To focus on abstraction requires a very developed mind and karma; a normal human does not possess both. Over time physical representations overshadowed abstract thoughts, idol worship combined with ritualistic worship took precedence over understanding of the force it represented. Vested interests exploited this weakness, creating a culture in which it was more important to perform a ritual than to understand what one was doing.’

If science searches for the origin of a plant, the answer is traced back to a life-giving seed. The next quest is to find where the seed came from and one knows the origins of the plant that was originally explored. The same is true for animals and even minerals. Using the same rationale, is it not possible to find the maker if we only search for him in his greatest creation, Nature? Not one rationalist could every claim this to be illogical.

In my quest, Nature has provided all the answers that I sought.

Some have asked me the question, why worship a mother figure, and why is Nature referred to as Mother Nature? The answer lies in Nature itself. The supreme power is most often referred to as a father figure. This interpretation is also linked to the fact that a father or male figure provides impetus for procreation, whereas a mother is the one who actually gives birth. Each is incomplete without the other. Using this rationale, it is only logical to understand why a mother is worshipped.

It is only a mother that tells a child who the true father is.

I seek the assistance of my Mother, Nature, to find who the supreme power, my father, is.

It is as simple as that.

I read many books and sat at the feet of ‘teachers’ hungrily devouring all that they had to say, but it was the Internet that actually kindled the spark of understanding inside me. Being one with the universe is more addictive than any drug on the market. Understanding and accepting the love of my fellow beings is more gratifying than any material wealth. It took a woman to show this to me and also a host of well-meaning friends who learned from me as I from them. The Net too is another universe within the one I live in. To me it is as real as daylight. It is a world of its own where traditional society has been redefined. Relationships based on accepted norms have no place here. Humans are reaching out to each other to find what they have lost living in the ‘real’ world.

Like all societies this one too is going through its share of growing pains. There is friction and there is a lot of new ground being covered. The one who coined the term ‘global village’ never imagined that it would exist without the need to touch and feel. Senses as defined by the five we use are slowly being re-deployed. The mind is playing a more important role now. Physical attributes of a person are giving way to mental capacity. A new type of species is being born.

To me the world is real. To those who want to make it theirs, the opportunity is there. There will be those who will learn from it and move on. There will be others who will stick around to misuse it. The world survived the likes of Hitler and Napoleon; it will survive the onslaughts of new villains here. My faith in humans has never faltered. I don’t see any reason for it to do so now.

‘Mr. Singhal!’ a sharp female voice brings me out of my stupor. I turn towards the voice.

‘Congratulations! It’s a daughter!’ the nurse said.

Tears well in my eyes. I knew it had to be a daughter. Someone had predicted this a long time ago.

‘Is my wife OK?’ I ask.

‘Yes, mother and daughter are both fine.’

‘Thank you,’ I say, relieved at the news. ‘Can I see them now?’

‘That is why I have come to get you, sir’ comes the reply with a chuckle from an angel in white, smiling with joy. I dash to the door with the nurse leading the way to Dolly’s new room. In a flash I am in the room with my wife and my newborn daughter.

Dolly gives me a weak smile. ‘Your Maa has come, Viky,’ she says.

‘Ssshh, don’t say a word, I know.’ I bend down and kiss her. She is still in bed, weak after giving birth. The long hours of labor have taken its toll on her strength. I slide over to her. My arms open wide and embrace her.

Dolly hugs me, and I cannot control my tears now. She is crying too. After years of waiting for initiation into the lodge of ‘daddyhood’, the answer to a hundred thousand questions of manhood, womanhood, marriage is defined in one simple moment - me helplessly weeping in the arms of an equally weeping soulmate.

After what seems like an eternity I leave the hug to behold the messenger, the answer to prayer, the harbinger of joy and tears, my daughter. The nurse is holding her in her arms for me, smiling an angelic smile, one that she has used often, reserved for scores of first-time-daddies and first-time-mummies, warm and caring. My arms open wide reaching for the baby, taking her midget form in my arms. My tears can’t stop falling, glittering stars falling from my eyes, disappearing into small damp puddles on the pristine white cloth enclosing her.

I don’t want them to stop either. It’s been ten long years waiting to hold her in my arms, and there is no way this moment will be forgotten. Moist eyes, constantly blinking for clarity, see tiny lips firmly pursed together, tiny eyes firmly shut, tiny ears twitching a little, a tiny pointed nose pointing at me, a tiny forehead minus the lines of stress and sorrow that adorn mine. I don’t know if she should be crying or not as I continue to gaze at her longingly. Tiny arms hold tiny clenched fists gently flying in the air, trying to get my attention. And my eyes travel to them. The left fist moves faster than the right, drawing my attention to it. The fist is clenched tight, firmly hanging on to something. Wait! What do I see?

As I take the little form and lay it in its crib, the left hand continues to move, the right having gone silent. My hands gently reach for the left clenched fist, to pry open the fingers. There is nothing in them. My eyes follow the rapidly clenching fist, and I see something near the thumb. The fist clenches again, and my hands turn it around ever so gently to see the thumb. There is a small mark, a reddish discoloration on the loose flesh located between the thumb and the first finger. The mark has a stem from which arise three others in the shape of a trident, a Trishul, a weapon wielded by many Hindu Gods and Goddesses and also by MAA!

I unclench the fist once again, and an open palm makes the trident disappear into a reddish discoloration, disjointed and meaningless. As I let go the fingers the fist clenches, the trident returns. My thoughts go into over-drive: could it be…?

I frantically look at the upper left arm.

There are three distinct marks on it, in a series, all dark red.

Frantic brain prompts frantic fingers to open the cloth bundled around the lower body of the baby, freeing the legs and finally the feet.

My fingers race to grasp the left foot, to look at the toes.

There is a clear discoloration on the second toe, a band of light-colored flesh circling the base of the toe - a very strange birth mark, as if a toe ring had been worn on that toe!

Tears stop flowing.

Eyes open wider.

Hands start to tremble.

A thousand temple bells clang.

My heart beats faster.

And a sudden calm descends on me.

‘What are you doing?’ a feeble, familiar voice calls from behind me.

I turn to look at the voice. My tranquil dazed and glazed look surprises my wife. I take a deep breath, still gazing with peaceful eyes at her.

‘What are you doing?’ she inquires again.

‘Will you believe me if I tell you?’

‘Believe what?’

‘MAA has come to me.’

‘Yes, I know; it’s a daughter.’

‘No, Dolly, not because it’s a daughter. This is no ordinary daughter. She is MAA! See for yourself.’

I reach into the crib, picking up my naked daughter and gently placing
it
her
in Dolly’s lap. Calm mind prompts calm fingers to show the trident marked left-fist, the three marks on the left arm and finally the toe-ring like mark on the left second toe. No words are said as two pairs of eyes behold the stupendous miracle lying gently twitching before them.

Dolly’s eyes turn to meet mine.

The tears have dried from both pairs lovingly looking at each other.

‘You know what the date is today?’ her lips inquire.

‘I can’t remember, what is it?’

A finger is raised pointing to the calendar in the room. The calendar displays all the dates in the month of August. A small red square housed on a plastic band marks today’s date. It is the 3
rd
– the third of August!

Coincidence?

‘It’s the third of August, the date Dolly Nair was born.’ She has not forgotten.

I am calm.

I silently take my daughter back to her crib, gently wrapping her as she had been earlier. She is silent, peaceful, the left arm still twitching. I continue to gaze at her. There is nothing else that my eyes see, nothing else that my mind thinks; serenity is all engulfing. Just for a second tiny eyes open. They look at me with love, and instantly a thought is beamed from them.

‘Baba, I am back!’

A chill runs down my back as I watch the eyes close again. The eyes are big for a baby, the thought from a different time, from a different person, meant just for me, to stay with me as long as I live. Serenity still envelops me, a strange placidity that is complete in itself.

I tiptoe from the crib to reach my wife’s bedside.

‘She will not leave you now.’ She has not forgotten!

‘I know.’

Before I can say anything more a gentle tap is heard on the door, just before it swings open. A man in a doctor’s coat, stethoscope hanging limp around his neck, enters the room, an angel in tow. A smile makes its way to his pleasant face, and for the first time I notice how tall he is. As he makes his way to the other side of the bed the room light hits his face, illuminating it. I have never met this doctor, and yet his face is familiar, a face from my past, from my dreams. He informs me that he is the resident doctor doing his rounds for the day.

‘You have a courageous wife, Mr. Singhal,’ he says.

My serene self arches my brows, inquiring into the statement.

‘She has been in labor for hours, and there were times when we sought her permission to intervene with medication, to ease the delivery process and the pain. She refused every time. We were also told not to tell you about this at that time, but now I am sure she won’t mind.’

My astonished eyes turn to my wife, hers gently closing, lungs drawing a deep breath.