Seven Shades of Grey (29 page)

‘Go back to the time when we got married. You were model material and I was plain Jane. From the day we got married I have heard so much shit about our ‘mismatch’ that if I hear it one more time I will throw up. At first it bothered me. I used to wonder why you ever agreed to marry me in the first place if most of your relatives thought me unfit a ‘match’ for you. In those early days I would constantly wonder what my plight would be! Would I be one of those statistics listing the number of women who were left by the husband? I was insane to think that. Over time you made the extra effort, went the extra mile to make me feel comfortable, both at home and in public. You made me feel loved, and most of all you made me feel wanted.’ Her eyes turned moist, but no tear fell. Anger was raging like a storm inside her, leaving no room for tears. I continued to sit like the rabbit, too dumbstruck to move.

‘Every time we went visiting a doctor you were there with me. We both noticed that most patients at these doctors were females, without their husbands in tow. At those times I strutted like a peacock because I had
you
, my man, with me. You made me feel proud, made me feel wanted and made me feel loved. Every time an effort to conceive failed, you masked your disappointment by putting on a happy face, just for me. You did that not to deceive yourself but merely because you did not want me to feel any worse than I already did. You would hug me, tell me how much you loved me and how these days would pass and we would both laugh about it some day.’ The dumbstruck rabbit’s eyes started turning moist.

‘In the last eight years of our marriage I have heard you talk about your life in the States, the amount of money you had with you, the life you led and the women you were with. You may not be able to see it fatso, but you would have a serene look on your face and a twinkle in your eyes. I could swear that at times you were going to cry and you did not: at least not in front of me. I know how much you want to succeed. I know how much you would want to wash all the shit that ‘well-wishers’ around you have plastered on your face. If you could have your way then the failures of your work, the lack of a family, the lack of spending money and the property problems would all be whisked away overnight. I know you did the right thing with the property, but it’s been over a year, and you have not been able to do what you wanted with it. I have seen the hurt in your eyes when your father let fly his fiery temper at you. I know how much that broke you inside.’ A tear left the corner of my left eye, racing down my cheek, soon to become a blotch on my shirt. And Dolly was relentless.

‘When you first mentioned the Internet and chatting to me, I saw a faint hint of the same old twinkle return to your eyes. I was at a crossroad then. I kept quiet because I did
not
understand what the Internet was or what chatting was. But I
understood
that for the first time in years you were doing something that inadvertently made you happy. You were suddenly less anxious and less troubled. You loved to talk about it, but when you did, your words were lost to me. I just kept looking at your face, in your eyes, and was lost in the happiness that radiated from you.’ She reached out and wiped the glistening path that another tear had drawn on my face. But she was not done yet.

‘When you would go to work I would think about what you had said the previous evening and try to remember all of it. I slowly got involved with each one of your friends because I found them to be humans just like you and me. In some way getting involved in their problems made us forget our own. The most important thing that it did to us was bring us closer to each other all over again. It was like getting married to the man I loved with my heart and soul. More important to me was the fact that I was with the one who loved
me
. What is there in life beyond love?’

‘Going back to your stay in the States: you loved each woman that you were with, for a reason. You had a hundred reasons to marry any one of them, and yet you married me. There was no real reason for that. Think about it. Your family met mine, each had an offspring of marriageable age and we got married. It was both of us merely fulfilling our obligation to our parents, at least that is the way I saw it then. I sure was smitten by you, but I know the same was not true with you. It could have been highly possible that you could have fulfilled your family duties by marrying me and then leaving me for one of your ex-girlfriends or a new one that you might have found. I could not be sure then, could I?’

‘When the going got tough at work, I was afraid that you would just quit and go back to the States. But no! You did not quit your work, and you did not quit your marriage. You worked towards both.’

‘As an Indian woman I had been taught that I must obey my husband more than I should love him. Love might follow, if I was lucky.’ A smirk forced me to change the contours of my face.

‘Hey, I am no big city girl with forward-thinking parents. I am a simple small-town girl who had led a simple life with very simple god-fearing parents to bring me up. My values may be distorted, but who cares?’ The smirk disappeared as I tried to interject.

‘No, today it’s my turn to speak, so please shut up!’ And I did.

‘I could have just walked out on you, going back to the simple life I led earlier with my parents when life became unbearable for me. But every time I flirted with this thought, I asked myself just one question.
Does my fatso love me or not?
Not once did I hear my heart say that you did not. And I would dismiss the very idea of ever being separated from you. Every single rose you ever gave me, every little effort that you ever made to express your love for me is imprinted on my heart. I could never understand why you loved me, but I could not ignore the fact that you expressed it. At first I thought you were just trying to play the role of a perfect husband, and in my heart I dreaded the day
you
would walk out on me. That day
never
came.’

‘I remember when we used to go partying with your friends. Most of them are married to big city girls, slick, beautiful with gorgeous bodies that they love to flaunt. At times I was the one making excuses for not going and you literally had to drag me to go with you. Not once did you ever let me feel small in front of them, nor did you ever feel ashamed to be seen in public with me. I refused to wear revealing outfits, almost dressing up like a fanciful maid most of the times. And I know I gave in to your wishes while still keeping my modesty intact. You too adapted to my needs. The love that flowed through you was never lost on me even with little gestures of choosing my clothes for the evening and helping me with my makeup. Nothing escaped me, fatso. Nothing!’ She paused for breath and I was still the dumbstruck rabbit. I felt as if a hurricane had made my bedroom its home and was swishing and swirling me like an inconsequential twig caught in its fury. Dolly was in complete control of this hurricane and completely untouched by it.

‘You loved me when you had a hundred tempting reasons
not
to. What could this Internet chatting ever do to me that you could not have done to me earlier? Let’s take this to its illogical extreme. Let’s say you did meet someone on the Net or in real life who really got you horny. She might have the body to die for, a voice that sounds like music to your ears and bedroom antics that would thoroughly satiate you. Let’s just say you got first-hand information about all of this, and you gave into temptation. I know you, fatso. You would not last very long with her.’

This amused me.

‘You once told me that you had been with a lot of beautiful women in the States.’

This was true.

‘Then ask yourself this question: why did you not spend the rest of your life with any one of them? You might argue that circumstances prevented you or make some other sorry excuse. But I know the truth. Sure, we did not love each other when we got married. We did not love each other even in the first year of our marriage, but in time you planted the seed of love, nurtured it with care, and today it’s fully grown and in bloom. Every professional failure that crossed your path became our failure and was attacked head-on, standing hand-in-hand, shoulder-to-shoulder. With every prodigious disappointment that hit us, we held on to each other for comfort, never losing faith in each other. And that is the love you always yearned for. I know that you did not find this in any woman you have been with because no other woman understood you nor tried to understand you. Each loved you for a reason and expected the same in return. For the first time, I was thrust upon you, and you began to love me for no reason.’

‘I was always the one who was more disappointed every time an attempt to conceive a child failed. But you would sit and wipe my tears, hug me, kiss me and tell me that we would get through this one and that tomorrow would be another day. You made that extra effort to comfort me when you could have easily have left me, saying that it was entirely my fault for us not having a baby. I know how much you want a child and how much it means to your parents. But no, you were always there by my side. I deliberately withheld hushed whispers from you because they came from asinine mouths. To bring them to your notice would have been fuelling your troubled mind, making you angry and making you act irrationally. I know you would have gone to abuse them or even fight with them, not so much because you were hurt but because their words hurt
me
. That is what nurtured the love. And I know that this love was never shared with any of your girlfriends because none of them ever shared your pain.’

‘So tell me now, could you be the same with any woman you just met? I will give you the answer. Love is not about a stunning body. Love is not about sex that moves heaven and earth. It’s about caring about someone. Caring enough not to hurt them even in the smallest way. Love is about taking the good with the bad, the night with the day, never losing faith in each other. The most wonderful part of this is that I never believed this to be true, till I saw you live this with me.’

Tears danced in my eyes and in their merriment made more glittering paths on my face.

‘Any person who has not lived this has not known what love really is. You might have done it for reasons that only you would know. A shrink would probably tell me that I am wrong, would probably tell you that I am delusional. But I would ask him what life was after all. Was it not just one big illusion? If I am happy, then
that
is the illusion that works for
me
. Who is to determine what is right or wrong for me?’

‘Your friends, or even relatives for that matter, can only give you information as a bystander would when two masters play chess. The masters know the moves ten or fifteen in advance. Like all good chess players you win some and you lose some, but then that is what life is all about. You cannot merely decide not to play the game for fear of losing. I played my hand and won and will continue winning. I will always win because I know how much you love me. I know that our relationship is built on a firm foundation of trust, built brick by brick with pain and perseverance, till there stands tall our house of love - Selfless Love.’

‘Love is about giving and not asking what you have received. Love is about caring about the other person more than yourself. Had I done my bit and still lost you to another, then too I would not be the loser. I would always be content with the fact that I did the best I could and allowed you to be yourself. You would be the loser for not being able to hold on to your end, your hand or your dick. Any woman who would have wooed you away from me could never keep you happy for long, for she would not have been there to share your pain. Her love for you would come with a want and a desire, nothing that would bind you the way our love does. That is my understanding of the love we share. I believe in it because you were the one who made me believe in it. I don’t care what anyone says or thinks about this; all I know and believe is that it’s there for all and sundry to see.’

‘See the happiness that adorns my face. See the joy that makes my heart swell. See the love that flows through every single atom of my body. It is there. One only needs eyes to see.’

The teacher was taught some more.

‘Dolly Nair probably loved you in a way that she thought was right and later thought was wrong. The emails and chat I have read could easily be construed to be an affair that you and she were having. But in it I have read the thought behind your words and not taken them at face value. I have noticed that her bringing to life your Professor gave her some special place in your heart, a place that I could not make. She must have been a gifted person or just someone who took an educated guess about your emotions. But look what she did to you. She took you to a higher plane, as only a guru could. She was MAA to you, even though she later claimed she was just a manipulator. I wonder who manipulated whom! She could not lie about everything. If she could, she should quit whatever she is doing and become a scamster; she sure claims to have scammed you effectively. And if she can scam the likes of you, then she is surely gifted.’

‘The point is that you believed she was a particular person, and even if she is not, what difference does that really make?’

‘Would it still take away what she shared with you?’

‘Would it belittle the events that took place?’

‘Would it ever be able to explain or rationalize what you have experienced and subsequently become?’

This was a side of my sunshine that I had never seen before. She was always the soft-spoken one, a complacent accomplice at best. But her words today were celestial. The depths of her understanding of a situation, her belief in me and the exposition of love that flowed from her lips were totally out of character. There was still more to come.