Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (26 page)

This love (eros) is deeply planted within our inmost being. Unnoticed by us, it attracts the bodies of men and women to each other, because in the beginning woman came forth from man, and from man and woman other men and women proceed. Can you see now how close this union is, and how God providentially created it from a single nature? He permitted Adam to marry Eve, who was more than sister or daughter; she was his own flesh! God caused the entire human race to proceed from this one point of origin. He did not, on the one hand, fashion woman independently from man; otherwise man would think of her as essentially different from himself. Nor did He enable woman to bear children without man; if this were the case she would be self-sufficient.

Instead, just as the branches of a tree proceed from a single trunk, He made the one man Adam to be the origin of all mankind, both male and female, and made it impossible for men and women to be self-sufficient. Later, He forbade men to marry their sisters or daughters, so that our love would not be limited to members of our families, and withdrawn from the rest of the human race.

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All of this is implied in Christ’s words: “He who made them from the beginning made them male and female” [Matt. 19:4].

The love of husband and wife is the force that welds society together. Men will take up arms and even sacrifice their lives for the sake of this love. St Paul would not speak so earnestly about this subject without serious reason; why else would he say, “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord”? Because when harmony prevails, the children are raised well, the household is kept in order, and neighbors, friends and relatives praise the result. Great benefits, both for families and states, are thus produced. When it is otherwise, however, everything is thrown into confusion and turned upside-down. When the generals of an army are at peace with each other, everything proceeds in an orderly fashion, and when they are not, everything is in disarray. It is the same here.

For the sake of harmony, then, he said, “Wives, be subject to your husbands as to the Lord.” What? How can He say elsewhere, “Whoever does not renounce wife or husband cannot follow Me”? [cf. Lk. 14:33, 18:29] If a wife must be subject to her husband as to the Lord, how can He tell her to separate herself for the Lord’s sake? Indeed she must be subject, but the word “as” does not always express equivalence. Either Paul means “as knowing that you are serving the Lord” (which indeed he says elsewhere, that even if the wife does not obey for her husband’s sake, she must do so primarily for the Lord’s sake); or else he means, “When you yield to your husband, consider that you are obeying him as part of your service to the Lord.” If “he who resists the authorities (governments) resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment” [Rom. 13:2], how much more severely will God judge someone who resists not an external authority, but that of her own husband, which God has willed from the beginning?

Let us assume, then, that the husband is to occupy the place of the head, and the wife that of the body, and listen to what “headship” means: “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, His Body, and is Himself its Savior. As the Church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands” [Eph. 5:23–24]. Notice that after saying “the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church,”

he immediately says that the Church is His Body, and He is Himself its Savior.

It is the head that upholds the wellbeing of the body. In his other epistles Paul has already laid the foundations of marital love, and has assigned to husband and wife each his proper place: to the husband one of leader and provider, and to the wife one of submission. Therefore as the Church is subject to Christ— and the Church, remember, consists of both husbands and wives—so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands, as to God.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church” [Eph.

5:25]. You have heard how important obedience is; you have praised and mar-veled at Paul, how he welds our whole life together, as we would expect from an admirable and spiritual man. You have done well. But now listen to what 108

l u k e t i m o t h y j o h n s o n a n d m a r k d . j o r d a n else he requires from you; he has not finished with his example. “Husbands,”

he says, “love your wives, as Christ loved the Church.” You have seen the amount of obedience necessary; now hear about the amount of love necessary.

Do you want your wife to be obedient to you, as the Church is to Christ? Then be responsible for the same providential care of her, as Christ is for the Church.

And even if it becomes necessary for you to give your life for her, yes, and even to endure and undergo suffering of any kind, do not refuse. Even though you undergo all this, you will never have done anything equal to what Christ has done. You are sacrificing yourself for someone to whom you are already joined, but He offered Himself up for one who turned her back on Him and hated Him. In the same way, then, as He honored her by putting at His feet one who turned her back on Him, who hated, rejected, and disdained Him, as He ac-complished this not with threats, or violence, or terror, or anything else like that, but through His untiring love; so also you should behave toward your wife.

Even if you see her belittling you
,
or despising and mocking you, still you will be able to subject her to yourself, through affection, kindness, and your great regard for her. There is no influence more powerful than the bond of love, especially for husband and wife. A servant can be taught submission through fear; but even he, if provoked too much, will soon seek his escape. But one’s partner for life, the mother of one’s children, the source of one’s every joy, should never be fettered with fear and threats, but with love and patience. What kind of marriage can there be when the wife is afraid of her husband? What sort of satisfaction could a husband himself have, if he lives with his wife as if she were a slave, and not with a woman by her own free will? Suffer anything for her sake, but never disgrace her, for Christ never did this with the Church. . . .

A wife should never nag her husband: “You lazy coward, you have no ambition! Look at our relatives and neighbors; they have plenty of money. Their wives have far more than I do.” Let no wife say any such thing; she is her husband’s body, and it is not for her to dictate to her head, but to submit and obey. “But why should she endure poverty?” some will ask. If she is poor, let her console herself by thinking of those who are much poorer still. If she really loved her husband, she would never speak to him like that, but would value having him close to her more than all the gold in the world. Likewise, if a husband has a wife who behaves this way, he must never exercise his authority by insulting and abusing her. Instead, he should show true nobility of spirit, and patiently remind her that in the wisdom of heaven, poverty is no evil. Then she will stop complaining. But he must not teach her only by words, but by deeds. He should teach her to be detached from high social position. If he is so himself, she will imitate him. Beginning on their wedding night, let him be an example of gentleness, temperance, and self-control; and she will be likewise.

He should advise her not to decorate herself with golden earrings, necklaces, or other jewelry, or to accumulate expensive clothes. Instead, her appearance should be dignified, and dignity is never served by theatrical excess. Furnish
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your house neatly and soberly. If the bridegroom shows his wife that he takes no pleasure in worldly excess, and will not stand for it, their marriage will remain free from the evil influences that are so popular these days. Let them shun the immodest music and dancing that are currently so fashionable. I am aware that many people think me ridiculous for giving such advice; but if you listen to me, you will understand the advantages of a sober life-style more and more as time goes on. You will no longer laugh at me, but will laugh instead at the way people live now like silly children or drunken men. What is our duty, then? Remove from your lives shameful, immodest, and Satanic music, and don’t associate with people who enjoy such profligate entertainment. When your bride sees your manner of life, she will say to herself, “Wonderful! What a wise man my husband is! He regards this passing life as nothing; he has married me to be a good mother for his children and a prudent manager of his household.” Will this sort of life be distasteful for a young bride? Only perhaps for the shortest time, and soon she will discover how delightful it is to live this way. She will retain her modesty if you retain yours. Don’t engage in idle conversations; it never profits anyone to talk too much. Whenever you give your wife advice, always begin by telling her how much you love her. Nothing will persuade her so well to admit the wisdom of your words as her assurance that you are speaking to her with sincere affection. Tell her that you are convinced that money is not important, that only thieves thirst for it constantly, that you love her more than gold; and indeed an intelligent, discreet, and pious young woman is worth more than all the money in the world. Tell her that you love her more than your own life, because this present life is nothing, and that your only hope is that the two of you pass through this life in such a way that in the world to come you will be united in perfect love. Say to her, “Our time here is brief and fleeting, but if we are pleasing to God, we can exchange this life for the Kingdom to come. Then we will be perfectly one both with Christ and each other, and our pleasure will know no bounds. I value your love above all things, and nothing would be so bitter or painful to me as our being at odds with each other. Even if I lose everything, any affliction is tolerable if you will be true to me.” Show her that you value her company, and prefer being at home to being out. Esteem her in the presence of your friends and children.

Praise and show admiration for her good acts; and if she ever does anything foolish, advise her patiently. Pray together at home and go to Church; when you come back home, let each ask the other the meaning of the readings and the prayers. If you are overtaken by poverty, remember Peter and Paul, who were more honored than kings or rich men, though they spent their lives in hunger and thirst. Remind one another that nothing in life is to be feared, except offending God. If your marriage is like this, your perfection will rival the holiest of monks.

[John Chrysostom, Homily 20 on Ephesians 5:22–33, in On Marriage and Family Life by St. John Chrysostom, trans. and ed. Catharine P. Roth and David Anderson (Crestwood, NY: St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 1986), pp. 43–47, 58–62]

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l u k e t i m o t h y j o h n s o n a n d m a r k d . j o r d a n PETER LOMBARD

Peter Lombard (ca. 1000–1160) was for a very short time bishop of Paris, but he is important as a theological codifier. His
Four Books of Sentences
(compiled 1148–1151) became the standard textbook of Latin theology for several centuries.

In the
Sentences
Peter Lombard arranges opinions
(sententiae)
from earlier authorities under a system of topics based on the Christian creeds or professions of faith. He then offers coherent models for clarifying and resolving any points of dispute. Peter’s models for the sacraments or central rites of Christian liturgy, including marriage, proved particularly influential, as did his emphasis on spousal consent.

Document 2–13

p e t e r l o m b a r d , b o o k o f s e n t e n c e s , b o o k 4 . d i s t i n c t i o n 2 6

1.1.
Concerning the sacrament of marriage: the institution and cause of which is
shown.
Although the other sacraments began after sin and on account of sin, it is read that the sacrament of marriage rather was instituted by the Lord, even before sin, not as a remedy but as an office. . . .

2.1.
Concerning the twofold institution of marriage.
Moreover, the institution of marriage is twofold. The first was created in paradise, before sin, as an office, where the bed was unstained and marriages were honorable, from which Adam and Eve conceived without passion, gave birth without pain. The second was created outside paradise, after sin, as a remedy, in order to avoid illicit passions.

The first was so that nature would be multiplied, the second so that nature might be excused and sin avoided. For, before sin, God said: “Go forth and multiply” (Gen. 1.28) and also, after sin, when almost every human being had perished in the flood (Gen. 9.1). . . .

2.3. If the first human beings had not sinned, they and their progeny would have joined without the urging of the flesh and the heat of lust. Just as some good deed is worthy of a reward, so their coitus would have been good and worthy of a reward. But, because of sin, the deadly law of concupiscence is inherent in our members, without which there is no carnal union. Their coitus is reprehensible and evil, unless it is excused by the goods of marriage. . . .

5.2. That marriage is a good thing is shown not only by the fact that the Lord is said to have instituted marriage between our first parents, but also because Christ was present at a marriage at Cana in Galilee, and he commended it with a miracle, turning the water into wine (John 2.2–10). Also, afterwards, he forbade a husband to dismiss his wife, except for the reason of fornication (Matt. 5.32, Mark 10.11, Luke 16.18). Also, the Apostle Paul said: “A virgin does not sin if she marries” (1 Cor. 7.28). Therefore, it is established that marriage is a good thing.

Otherwise it would not be a sacrament, for a sacrament is a holy sign.

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b o o k 4 . d i s t i n c t i o n 2 7

2.
What marriage is.
Therefore, nuptials or marriage is the marital union of a man and a woman, between lawful persons, maintaining an indivisible mode of life. “An indivisible mode of life” means that neither is able to profess continence or withdraw for prayer without the consent of the other, and that while they are alive, a conjugal bond endures between them, so that it is not licit for them to join with another, and each shall offer to the other that which belongs to each. Moreover, in this description only the marriage of lawful and faithful persons is included.