She Comes First (17 page)

L
ET’S POLISH UP
on our vocabulary, and meanwhile learn a thing or two about the female orgasm:

In 1994, Shere Hite observed that more than half the women in her latest survey were faking orgasm, with only 42 percent getting there with a male partner. More recently, some studies have put the number of women who don’t orgasm consistently as high as 58 percent.
The best way to know if a woman’s faking an orgasm is by knowing how to recognize the real thing.

To an informed cunnilinguist, in tune with her process of sexual response, this is easier than you might suspect. As we discussed earlier, there are visible signs of arousal that become apparent throughout the process of sexual response, particularly during the preorgasm phase.

These include:

• An increase in the pace of her breathing

• An increase in body temperature and heart rate

• A high state of tension in her muscles, also known as hypertonicity

• A tightening of the abdominal muscles

• The throbbing of her PC muscles, and a general “bearing down” on the pelvic area

In addition to observing these visible signs of arousal during the preorgasm phase,
you will principally recognize the female orgasm through the spasmodic, involuntary contractions of her genital area, also known as pelvic thrusting.

• As she releases sexual tension through orgasm, her vagina and uterus will contract, on average, ten to fifteen times, with each contraction lasting approximately eight tenths of a second; her rectal sphincter contracts anywhere from two to five times as well. Based on these measurements, the average female orgasm lasts anywhere from ten to twenty seconds.

• Attendant to these genital and rectal contractions is the tensing and releasing, in spasm, of many of the muscles throughout her body, including arms, legs, neck, and face—even her toes will bend and arch forward.

• During orgasm, her breathing will speed up and her pulse will soar (anywhere from 110 to 180 beats per minute).

• In some cases, a woman may ejaculate a clear fluid.

One way of thinking about the female orgasm is not as an action, but rather as a
reaction,
the involuntary release of all the sexual tension she built up throughout the process of arousal and the final surrender and letting go. It’s important to remember that no two women are the same when it comes to their orgasms, and many sex therapists consider the individual experience so unique that it’s sometimes referred to as “orgasmic fingerprinting.”

That said, there are consistencies in the overall structure of an orgasm, with the average woman experiencing a sudden sense of “stopping,” followed immediately by intense, sharp contractions, which gradually slow and wane into a duller, more blunted, pelvic throbbing before subsiding.

Back to the question of how to tell when she’s faking it. Many women can duplicate the characteristics of orgasm, including the contractions of the PC muscles, although it’s unlikely she could manufacture eight to ten of these contractions in less than twenty seconds, especially in combination with all the other visible characteristics. In fact, some sex therapists will recommend to women who have trouble experiencing orgasms that they do just that—fake their way through one in order to stimulate and trick the body into experiencing the real thing. But, in truth, most women know that they needn’t bother portraying
a convincing facsimile of the real thing when they can simply offer up an ersatz performance of those characteristics that are most likely to fool and please
men.
In short, lots of sound and fury, which, in the end, is nothing more than smoke and mirrors. This is a broad generalization, but it’s the
screamers
and the
thrashers
who are very often the
fakers.

An orgasm doesn’t come out of nowhere; it’s the final exclamation point on a sentence that you’ve been writing all along. If the final flourish feels unearned, then it likely is.

When a woman enters the period of orgasmic contractions, stay absolutely focused on what you’re doing. Maintain your position. Provide a steady point of resistance. Feel the contractions of her orgasm, the thrusting of her pelvis. Like a shock absorber, take her movements into your body and then channel them back into her in the form of pleasurable vibrations. Contain the energy; smother it. Let it out slowly. Don’t let the orgasm explode out of her in one quick, furious blast; tease it out slowly in long, fluid pulses.

Stay calm and cool. Now’s not the moment to get caught up in the hullabaloo and lose your discipline. Soon enough it will be your turn.
Make sure you finish what you’ve started.

It’s all too easy to confuse the moments just prior to her orgasm with the orgasm itself. The female orgasm is preceded by small, growing waves of pleasure that ebb and build, and these waves may have the appearance of an orgasm. She’s in the process of coming, without having actually peaked yet. Her pelvic area is throbbing, but she hasn’t yet gone into the involuntary state of spasmodic release. When the actual orgasm happens, it will break the rhythm that precedes it; there’s a brief violence to the moment—a spasm, a shudder—like that first jolt when the wheels of a landing plane touch the runway. The actual orgasm may only last ten to twenty seconds at its peak; but the entire process—replete with spine-tingling ebbs and flows—may easily last several minutes.

If, and when, a woman climaxes during genital intercourse, you may feel the contractions of her orgasm pulse against your penis, but there’s little you can do to stimulate or enhance those pleasurable waves beyond maintaining persistent contact with her clitoris.

However, during cunnilingus, you have the added benefit of being able to use your tongue to “spike” the process.

• Once she’s entered the period of orgasmic contractions—about ten to twenty seconds in duration—apply light, playful tongue jabs against the clitoral head; swipe the head with short vertical strokes, mixed in with some diagonal
swipes. As always, do this calmly, coolly, and gently. These “appoggiaturas” should be light tongue tickles that go against the grain of her orgasm. Think of them as tiny bumps in the road: they won’t slow her down, but she’ll definitely feel them. Take your time; you needn’t apply more than four to six swipes in total. Each one will add spark and counterpoint to the process—power spikes that continue to push the envelope of pleasure until all the sexual tension has been completely exhausted and drained from her body. In short, use your tongue to tease out every last bit of pleasure.

You’ll know her climax has concluded when her body relaxes, her breathing slows, and the contractions, like an echo, have faded into the distance. It will seem as though she’s melted blissfully right before your eyes. Her genitals, particularly the clitoral head, will be so sensitive from the experience that she’ll recoil at their slightest touch. Stimulate her until she reaches the point where she can no longer bear the touch of your tongue. She may signal this moment by placing a hand on your head, or gently pushing you away. Take the cue, and lift your head.

It’s a job well done. But by no means over.

Y
OU’LL FIND THAT
one of the great joys of adopting the philosophy of
She Comes First
is not only that she experiences orgasm
consistently
during sexual activity, but also, when you postpone your orgasm until after hers, that the door is now open for her to experience many, many more.

In fact, it’s
far easier
for a woman to experience her second orgasm, as her genitals are still engorged with blood and her body is still awash with the potent chemicals of sex. As Natalie Angier has written of the female orgasm, “It may take many minutes to reach the first summit, but once there the lusty mountaineer finds wings awaiting her. She does not need to scramble back to the ground before scaling the next peak, but can glide like a raptor on currents of joy.”

Easier said than done. As far as the average guy is concerned, if stimulating a
single
female orgasm is already something of a mystery, the whole idea of
multiple
orgasms is like the riddle of the Sphinx. More often than not men tend to think that a woman’s potential to experience multiple orgasms has something to do with a “special capacity” or “unique ability” within
her,
and little or nothing to do with him: either she can or she can’t.

Well, the truth is that most women
can
experience multiple orgasms—as a rule not an exception—and it has
everything
to do with you. But rest assured: if you can get her to her first orgasm, you should have very little trouble getting her to her second. More women don’t experience their second or third orgasm with men for the same reason that many don’t experience their first—they’re not receiving appropriate clitoral stimulation and male gratification is not being postponed.

But just because she’s not having multiple orgasms with you doesn’t mean she’s not having them at all. Most women are able to achieve multiple orgasms with ease during masturbation. In fact, Masters and Johnson found that some women were able to reach fifty consecutive orgasms with a vibrator! It’s not that women are doing anything “special” in order to achieve multiple orgasms when masturbating, they’re simply providing themselves with the focused clitoral stimulation they require.

The innate biological capacity to achieve multiple orgasms has much to do with how women, subsequent to orgasm, experience the resolution period and return to the prearoused state. Men lose their erections quickly and go into what’s called a refractory period (an interval of time that needs to pass before he can get an erection again), but a woman’s genitals take far longer to return to their normal
state, at least five to ten minutes. Additionally, the clitoris does not contain a venous plexus, the mechanism in the penis for retaining blood and sustaining an erection—a critical element in the explosive male orgasm and the process of insemination.

If you want to lead a woman to her second orgasm and beyond, first return to the activities of foreplay—kissing, embracing, and soft touching. Keep her warm, keep her aroused, but take some time before returning to more intense genital stimulation. (Remember, unlike other parts of her body, the clitoris—particularly the head—is extremely sensitive after orgasm.) Give yourself some time to cool down as well and recover from the excitement of what has just passed. Once you’re both ready for genital stimulation, you can do so with your hands, tongue, or even your penis. That’s right: there’s a time and a place for everything, and the time for intercourse is
after
she’s experienced her first orgasm—not simply because she’s been satisfied once, but because in this “warmer” state of arousal, she’s much more likely to experience a second one.