She Comes First (19 page)

Stage 5: Preorgasm
(three to five minutes)

TONGUE:
Deepen gum pressure. Focus on strokes that are more varied and less predictable in rhythm. Introduce an element of dissonance into the process.

FINGERS:
As you maintain position, massage clitoral cluster without breaking fingertip contact.

HAND:
Insert tip of thumb into anus.

Stage 6: Orgasm
(less than one minute)

TONGUE:
Maintain deep gum pressure. As you feel orgasmic contractions, apply light tongue flourishes that “spike” the orgasm.

FINGERS:
As you feel orgasmic contraction, maintain pressure with fingertip against clitoral cluster and thumb tip against frenulum.

HAND:
Focus on keeping legs together, supporting clitoral contact, and maintaining tip of thumb in anus. Observe contractions of sphincter in addition to pelvic floor muscles.

COMMENTS:
In this routine, you are integrating all major components. In particular your fingers are stimulating the clitoral cluster and the frenulum with one hand, and the anus with the thumb of the other. You are also varying your tongue strokes and introducing a dash of unpredictability into the rhythm that teases and heightens the process. During orgasm, in addition to maintaining firm pressure throughout, you are also “spiking” the process with light tongue flourishes.

Routine 4

This routine continues to build on the baseline techniques described in Routine 3. Changes to baseline are in bold text.

Level: Intermediate

Stage 1: First Kiss
(less than one minute)

TONGUE:
Nibble your way through the first kiss. Spend time nibbling inner lips before nibbling clitoral head. Or return to long, slow lick.

FINGERS:
Clasp perineal tissue throughout first kiss. Index finger should be inside, thumb on outside.

HAND:
Support buttocks. Massage with fingertips.

Stage 2: Establishing Rhythm
(three to five minutes)

TONGUE:
Alternate vertical, horizontal strokes. Introduce diagonal strokes.

FINGERS:
Use index finger and thumb to clasp perineum: the perineal clasp.

HAND:
Turn her over onto her side and spread legs as though she’s doing a semisplit.

Stage 3: Developing Tension
(five to ten minutes)

TONGUE:
With her on side and legs in semisplit position, focus on internal licks. Start inside with tongue against frenulum and work your tongue from inside out with strokes that start inside and then end on clitoral head.

FINGERS:
Insert second finger and maintain strong perineal clasp.

HAND:
As she maintains semisplit position on side, insert thumb tip into anus.

Stage 4: Escalation
(three to five minutes)

TONGUE:
Return to standard position and gum-press. Try scraping front commissure and top of head with teeth. Press teeth against clitoral area.

FINGERS:
Maintain proper come-hither clasp against frenulum and clitoral cluster.

HAND:
As you support buttocks, straddling both cheeks, graze anal area with thumb.

Stage 5: Preorgasm
(three to five minutes)

TONGUE:
Deepen gum pressure. Focus on strokes that are more varied and less predictable in rhythm. Introduce an element of spontaneity into the process.

FINGERS:
Insert third finger, widen vaginal entrance. As you maintain position, massage clitoral cluster without breaking fingertip contact. Or use “under and up” technique to snake arm through leg and insert middle and fourth finger. Let her tap frenulum against index finger.

HAND:
Insert tip of thumb into anus.

Stage 6: Orgasm
(less than one minute)

TONGUE:
Maintain deep gum pressure. As you feel orgasmic contractions, apply light tongue flourishes that “spike” the orgasm.

FINGERS:
As you feel orgasmic contraction, maintain fingertip pressure against clitoral cluster, as well as thumb-tip pressure against frenulum. Or if you are doing “under and up” position, increase the pressure of your index finger as you tap against frenulum.

HAND:
Focus on keeping legs together, supporting clitoral contact, and maintaining tip of thumb in anus. Massage anus as she experiences orgasm and slowly remove during contractions.

COMMENTS:
In this routine, we varied her position in the “developing tension” phase, which allowed us to lick the area of clitoral cluster. We returned to the baseline routine, but we inserted a third finger and also proposed an “under and up” alternative to the standard come-hither clasp; we also massaged the anal area as she experienced orgasm.

Once you have mastered the baseline routine of the intermediate phase, as well as the modifications of Routine 4, it’s time to improvise, create your own routines, discover new techniques, and pursue innovative approaches that require a high degree of proficiency and awareness.

This is an approach that focuses almost exclusively on tongue strokes and the stimulation of the visible parts of the clitoral network; in short, no finger work. Additionally, the tongue strokes employed on the surface of the vulva should be as light and gentle as possible. In this manner, you will
ever so slowly
tease her to orgasm, and when it comes, it will be sharp and light, without the fullness that results when internal parts of the clitoris are manually stimulated as well.

• During the process, do not insert a single finger inside her, and use your hands to vary her position and the angle of her vulva to your tongue.

• Push up her legs with both of your hands and prop her up on her butt, or raise a single leg; position her on her side in a semisplit position and use your tongue to graze the inside of her vaginal ceiling and clitoral cluster.

• But, in general, stick to the surface. Get as close to licking her as possible
without
actually licking her, and then graze the clitoral head.

• Use your thumbs to part her outer lips and fully reveal the clitoral head and hood, and then skim the area with your tongue.

• This approach will prove excruciatingly tantalizing. Intersperse your light tongue strokes with a still, flat tongue that she can move against, but don’t provide her with the friction or resistance that would generally come as a result of applying your fingers and gum.

• Once she enters the preorgasm phase (and it may take a while), bring her legs together as close as possible, while still having access to her vulva, and place your hand under her butt.

• With your free hand, press up on her pubic mound and tighten her vaginal entrance. Continue to apply light strokes against the head until she comes.

In general, Taoist sex practices are designed for genital intercourse and emphasize a few key principles: postponement of male gratification and the importance of female satisfaction; regulation and conservation of male ejaculation (you don’t orgasm every time you have sex); and the understanding that an orgasm is not the same as ejaculation. This last point is more relevant to men in that it encourages recognizing when you’re on the verge of orgasm and then pulling back. (When you hear someone talk about male “multiple orgasm” and “going all night” without cessation, this is generally what’s meant—going to the verge repeatedly and pulling back as opposed to ejaculating repeatedly.)

Because women have a true capacity for multiple orgasms, the distinction between the preorgasm and orgasm phase as well as the emphasis on pulling back from the verge, is less important. However, you can heighten the experience of her orgasm by prolonging the period spent in the preorgasm phase (but make sure you are confident in your ability to bring her to orgasm in the first place before you focus on delaying the process). In the Tao of Cunnilingus, the man focuses on keeping the woman in the preorgasm phase as long as possible, getting her close to orgasmic contractions without triggering them.

• Prior to her entering the preorgasm phase, consider playing with some light restraint. Although it’s by no means required, this element will definitely add some fun and excitement to the proceedings and is very much in keeping with the spirit of this routine.

One-Leg-Up Position

• Once you recognize that she’s entered the preorgasm phase and is on the verge of orgasmic contractions, reduce the pressure on her clitoris and slow down; cease your tongue strokes altogether.

• Remove your mouth completely from her vulva for three to five seconds and then return to applying firm pressure.

• You can maintain your come-hither clasp against her clitoral cluster, but reduce the pressure.

• After the pause of tongue strokes, bring her back to the verge of orgasm, and then once again reduce the pressure. Get her as close to orgasmic contractions as you can before pulling back. (In fact, you can even bring her to her first contraction, and then pull back. She won’t lose the orgasm, but it may erupt from her when you return a few seconds later with your tongue strokes.)

• When you’re ready to let her come, apply a deep firm gum-press and hard tongue strokes in combination with your come-hither clasp.

• Additionally, you can get in on the fun by bringing yourself close to orgasm by rubbing against her leg and then pulling back at the same time. (Note: This is also a great way of developing stamina and discipline if you suffer from premature ejaculation. By rubbing against her leg, you have more control of the process and can take yourself close to orgasm without actually ejaculating.)

T
HERE’S A POIGNANT SCENE
in the film version of Milan Kundera’s book
The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
Tomas and Tereza, a young married couple, are living in Prague at the start of the oppressive Soviet occupation of the 1960s. Tomas has always been an avid womanizer and, even in marriage, is unable to relinquish his erotic adventures with other women. He lives lightly and freely, but his marriage is shallow and empty. Tereza is imprisoned by the heaviness of her love for Tomas, tortured by his “lightness.”

The couple takes advantage of an opportunity to emigrate to Geneva, thinking it might provide them with a fresh start, but Tomas, much to Tereza’s disappointment, continues his life of ardent philandering. One day, unable to bear it any longer, Tereza impulsively leaves him and returns alone to doomed Prague.

Only after she’s left does Tomas finally realize that his life is empty without Tereza; so he makes a difficult decision—to return to
Prague, where he’ll live in perpetual poverty, never again to work as a surgeon, never again to know freedom of speech or liberty of choice. In short, he accepts the inherent heaviness of life.

We follow Tomas as he crosses the border into Czechoslovakia. We watch as he hands over his passport, permanently, to the border guard.

Back in Prague, Tomas returns to his old, dark, shabby apartment, where Tereza lies sleeping. She wakes up and can’t believe her eyes. They embrace with tears in their eyes and that night they make love for the first time. Of course they’ve had sex countless times; but this is the first time they are truly making love; their bond to each other finally has a sacramental element, born of Tomas’s sacrifice to be with her, consummated in the heaviness of their true love for each other.

As Kundera explains, the title,
The Unbearable Lightness of Being,
comes from a meditation on the philosophy of Nietzsche, who said that we should live every moment of our lives as though we were sentenced to repeat it over and over, forever and ever, for all eternity. We should live each moment as though we were creating an eternal, unchangeable work of art.

Easier said than done. We can’t live every moment as though it were eternally indelible; it’s simply too hard and would make life much too heavy. So instead we attempt to escape and live with a sense of lightness. We postpone our goals, we get into ruts, we distract ourselves with trivialities, but deep down we know that we could be living life more fully according to our potential; lightness is undermined by a sense of heaviness; hence, the unbearable lightness of being.

For all of his sexual adventures and numerous lovers, it takes Tomas years before he is finally able to make love. He is only able to do so by turning his back on the lightness of meaningless affairs and embracing the heaviness of a committed relationship.

We may not be able to live each moment as though we were going to repeat it over and over for all eternity, but we can make love
that way; we can kiss our beloved knowing that we want that kiss, like a pebble cast into a still lake, to ripple and undulate for all eternity. Like Tomas returning to Tereza’s embrace, we can make love totally and indelibly, with all the heaviness and substance of our being. As George Bernard Shaw wrote, “When you loved me I gave you the whole sun and stars to play with. I gave you eternity in a single moment, strength of the mountains in one clasp of your arms, and the volume of all the seas in one impulse of your soul.”

When she comes first, she comes forever.