Shifting Gears (10 page)

My whole body is on fire. The want,
the need for him to be inside me again is consuming me. I’ll never
forget how it felt. Filling me like no man had ever done
before.

I slowly lift my head, and I know he
sees the need in my eyes. He doesn’t give me a chance to change my
mind as he bolts across the steering wheel, charging at me like a
hungry animal going for the kill.

My lips are quickly swelling from his
ravenous kisses, and my body aches for his touch.

Holt trails kisses along my jaw line
until he reaches my earlobe, and I feel his teeth as he nibbles.
Dear God. A jolt of heat surges through me, and as he whispers in
my ear, “So beautiful,” I’m done. I can’t just sit here anymore.
I’m so aroused and ready, and I’ve been wanting for so long... I
don’t think. I just feel.

I push myself up, grab his shoulders,
and force him against his seat as I pull myself over, straddling
him. I don’t wait for him to react, I attack. He’s not getting away
from me. I yank his shirt up and kiss him all over. Like a crazed
animal. I can’t stop.

I barely hear him say, “Fuck,
baby.”

I force his lips open as I slide my
tongue into his mouth and kiss him the way I’ve been dreaming about
ever since he left me. My hips move toward his, pushing my body
into him. Without hesitation, I reach down and unzip him, setting
him free. I take him in one hand and stroke up and down.

“Fuck,” he grunts and drops his hands
to my waist as I stop my hand job and wrap my arms around his
neck.

He tightens his hold on my hips as I
move over him, feeling his cock up against my jeans, begging to get
in. God, it feels so good. Holt has always brought a different
person out of me. The one not hiding behind a shield. All those
insecurities, those inhibitions, gone. Just. Like. That.

My heart beats in my throat as my hips
continue to dance over his. In the background somewhere, I hear a
loud shrieking sound. I try to ignore it, but it just keeps
shrieking in my ears. What the hell is that? Shit. The horn. My ass
must be hitting it. How long has it been doing that? I immediately
stop moving. We must’ve surely gotten someone’s attention. I hope
like hell it’s no one in the hospital. How lovely would it be for
one of the doctors to see me out here in the parking lot like this,
making out with a man in a car?

Damn it, Niki.

Even though I had released Holt from
his restraints, he hadn’t done the same for me. I’m still fully
clothed, though my nipples are swollen and I’m soaked to my core.
How the hell did I find myself in this damned
position...again...with Holt in this fucking car? Damn it all to
hell. The power this man has over me—absolutely totally
un-fucking-healthy.

I quickly shift myself off him and
slide back over in the seat. I can’t even look at him.

My heart is still racing as he leans
over and whispers, “I knew you wanted me just as bad.”

He closes in on me and drops his lips
to the sensitive crease of my neck. Seems he remembers how that
drives me insane.

For all that’s holy,
please stop. Make him stop.

I tense up as I try not to breathe. I
think he senses it as he abruptly stops and leans away from me. He
tilts his head toward me, but I don’t give him the chance to speak
and I don’t lift my gaze to him. I know what look is waiting for
me.

“It’s late, Holt. I need to get home.
I have work tomorrow.”

He gently strokes a finger along my
cheekbone before saying, “Okay, babe.” He then brings his lips to
my forehead.

How can something so innocent turn
into something erotic as hell? Is that even possible?

He pulls away from me and gets out of
the car. Before I can open my door, he’s there, holding his hand
out to me. “Keys, babe.”

He unlocks my door, and as we stand
there, face-to-face, only inches apart, I try to contain my desire.
I want him. I am aching for him. My heart is still beating
fast.

“Call you tomorrow?”

“I don’t know, Holt.”

He lifts his finger to my cheek again
and strokes it gently. “Babe, you want this. I know you do. Your
mind just has to catch up to what your body already
knows.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” I step
away from him.

Before he can respond or pull me back,
I get in my car. He stands there, and I don’t dare look at him
again. I’m weak. I know it. Pretty sure he knows it too. I start my
car and pull out into the road.

His engine roars, and I peek in my
rearview mirror to see him peel out quickly. He’s driving in the
opposite direction, away from me. Where to, I don’t know. But I
can’t help but see the similarity to our reality in
that.

Minutes later, I have to stop and pull
over on the side of the road. I’m so overcome with my fears and
desire for him, the tears come in uncontrollable fits, just like
when he left me.

It’s two-fifteen in the morning by the
time I make it home and, thankfully, Cass is asleep on the couch.
She was waiting up for me. Love her. I know she’s worried. Because
she knows. She’s the only one who knows. She’s the only one who saw
me in that fucking messed up, obsessed, depressed, pathetic state
after Holt left me. I quickly shower and get to bed, grabbing my
iPod.

I scroll my fingers down and stop at
that all-too-familiar playlist I’d once found myself playing over
and over again. Medicating me. The voice behind Nine Inch Nails,
Trent Reznor, fills my ears. His song “That’s What I Get” was me. I
can hear the same pain and uncertainty in his words. He made me
feel like I wasn’t alone, and it seems he hasn’t let me down,
coming back when I need him again.

I make it to the kitchen and the smell
of coffee brewing. Cass must already be up, which shocks me. She
never makes it up before me. But I didn’t get much sleep last
night. Holt once again controlled my dreams. I found myself having
to cure the need for him
again
. So out of control. I can’t
stop myself from remembering how good it was with him. Taking me
over. Drowning me.

Cass is sitting on one of the
barstools, reading the paper. Hearing me, she looks up.
“Morning.”

“Hey.” I shuffle over to the coffee
maker.

“What time did you get in? I tried to
wait up for you, but I must’ve crashed before you got
back.”

“Yeah, I saw you. It must’ve been
about 2 AM.”

“I gotta tell you, I’m kinda
disappointed I’m seeing your face right now.” She snickers. “I
thought it would be glued to Holt’s. Okay, spill it. What
happened?”

I make myself a cup of coffee and
prepare to relive my night of hell with Holt.

“He was waiting for me outside when I
went to leave. He made me stick to my deal and have dinner with
him, even though neither of us actually ate.”

“Oh shit, Niki, what were you doing
instead?” she asks, with obvious excitement.

“No, we were just drinking coffee at
Sammy’s.”

I skip the part about my run in with
the bathroom stall. I tell her everything, but some things, as
pathetic as they are, I have to keep to myself.

“So? What did he say?”

“He said the job he was doing forced
him to leave. He couldn’t tell me he was leaving or where he was
going, because it might’ve put me in danger. I mean, that totally
sounds insane and bullshit, doesn’t it?”

Cass looks at me with a puzzled face.
“Well, no. I mean, look at what he does. He deals with dirty
people, Nik. The kind who are probably dangerous, just like he
says.”

“I told him about Amber.”

She belts out a loud laugh. “Good.
What did he say about the little whore running her
mouth?”

“He denied it. Said there was no one
else while he was with me.” I suck in a breath as I close my eyes.
“I lost it, Cass.”

She stops laughing, but she’s
straining to keep herself from grinning. I can tell. “What do you
mean lost, hun?”

“I kind of, um, jumped on top of him,
but then my ass kept hitting the horn, and I froze.”

“Jesus, Nik. Only you, babe. Only
you.” She shakes her head, and I know she’s still trying her best
not to laugh.

“Yeah.” I shake my head. “Well, thank
God, my ass saved the day. No telling how much further I would’ve
let it go.”

She starts laughing, and I can’t help
but do the same. It’s kind of funny, now that I’m not in the car
with him.

“I’m just thankful nobody inside the
hospital heard anything and came out. God, how embarrassing would
that have been? The boss out in the parking lot, trying to get her
ride on. Yeah, that would’ve gone over real well with the other
doctors. I still feel like I have to prove myself to them. That’s
the last thing I need them to see.” I let out a sigh as I slouch in
the chair. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Cass. I mean, when
he’s around me, when we’re alone, I get lost. Fast.”

I shake my head with frustration.
Disappointed in myself.

“He knows. The way my body betrayed me
last night, he knows I still want him. But wanting him and needing
him are two entirely different beasts. I can’t need him. I can’t.”
I shrug, looking down at my coffee cup, dipping my finger in the
hot liquid, watching it swirl around, drifting along but confined
by the mug. I feel the same way.

“Well, hun, maybe you should just give
it some time. Do you believe what he told you about how he had to
leave like that and not being with anyone else? Which by the way,
Amber is going to hear some shit from me.”

I sit there, thinking, replaying his
words in my mind. “Yes. I believe him. How insane is
that?”

“It’s not insane, Niki. He never lied
to you before. He was always honest with you about his work, he
just didn’t tell you much. The only jacked up thing was him leaving
like he did and then you thinking he’d been with Amber. He’s given
you an explanation for that. Maybe not as clear as it should be,
but it’s something.” She puts her hand on my shoulder, and I lift
my face to hers. “I know he took a part of you when he left, Nik. I
know it. But he doesn’t. You need to tell him, hun. If you really
feel like you can give him a chance again, you have to be honest
with him. There can’t be any hang-ups. You have to put everything
on the table, and so does he, so you both know what you’re working
with, what to expect, and how to work it out.”

“I’m scared, Cass.” But his words do
make sense. How can I tell him everything though? Put it all on the
table, like she says. What’s he going to think?

Cass gets up, wraps her arms around me
from behind, and hugs me tight. “I know you are, honey. So am I for
you. You know I love you like my own sister, and I absolutely hate
what that fucker put you through, but it seems he had his reasons,
and it seems a lot of it was to protect you. Maybe put yourself in
his shoes and think about how hard it was for him to stay away all
that time, knowing there was a very good chance you’d moved on.
Knowing he’d left you like that, probably hating him.

“He lived with that thought for three
years, Niki. Just think about that. You know I love you, you know I
got your back, and you know I’m still your hit man if you need me,
girl, but that’s how I see things right now. You’ve got to decide
what you’re going to do for you. Just remember, life is full of
fear. We’ve got to take chances. Sometimes they turn out to be
mistakes, but sometimes they turn out to be the best choices we
ever make in our lives.”

God, I love this woman.

“Somewhere deep down, I know you’re
right, but right now I’m just too scared to open those wounds back
up. They hurt too much. But I know he’s not going to give up.” I
shake my head as I take a sip of coffee. “So Beth saw us at the
diner together.” I slide a pancake onto her plate. Since I don’t
have to go in until eleven and Cass is off, she talked me into
making my pecan praline ones, the triple Ps, we call them. I gave
in easily, because cooking, much like music, relaxes me.

“Oh Lord,” Cass exclaims. “That girl
is like a damn walking soap box.”

I come home and tell Cass about my day
at Hobbs, who was mad at whom, who was dating whom. All that. By
now, she pretty much knows everybody there and has opinions about
all of them. Even though she likes Beth, Cass knows she has a big
mouth, because she’s pretty much the same, except when it comes to
me. She never shares anything about me with anybody. Ever.
Everybody else though, good grief, it’s like watching a soap opera
play out. When she comes home from work with all the latest gossip,
all that’s missing is popcorn.

“You better nip that shit in the bud
before she spreads it, Niki.”

“Yeah, I plan to. I feel bad because I
lied to her before, when Holt first came in. I told her I didn’t
know him.”

“You’ll figure something out,
honey.”

I shake my head, not as convinced.
“Yeah, let’s hope so, because I really don’t want any of them to
know about Holt and how freakishly insane he makes me. You know me,
Cass. At work, I feel secure, safe. Put Holt in that mix and my
sense of control and security is gone. I never know what the hell
I’m going to do or say when he’s around.”