Shifting Gears (9 page)

Tears are starting to well up, because
these are words that I’ve wanted to say to him for so long. Words
that have haunted my thoughts, my dreams. Words that have
controlled me, consumed me. Being able to confront him like this,
feeling a sense of closure, of finality, it begins to overwhelm me.
Damn it.

“Nicolette, watching you cry, it
fucking kills me. I can’t take back the time that’s been stolen
from us…and, believe me, it
was
stolen. But I’m here now,
and I will make you remember how good it was with us. I will give
you back every single night you were in bed alone.”

“What makes you think I was alone,
Holt?”

Why the hell did I say that? He looks
at me grimly, his jaw suddenly tight. But he doesn’t question my
words.

“It didn’t look like you had come back
for me when I saw you at The Rox.” I scrub away my tears,
determined not to give him any more.

“Nicolette.” He reaches out to grab my
hand, but I quickly pull it away, dropping it to my
side.

He looks down at the table and lets
out a sigh. “I’m not going to lie and tell you there was no one
else after you.”

Seriously? So it’s true.

“It was just sex. None of them could
cure my hunger for you. Not even fucking close. I woke up so many
nights after dreaming of you, but you were with someone else. You
were laughing. You were happy.”

God. He was dreaming about
me
.

“When I turned from the bar and saw
you standing there, I knew then you hated me for sure. I could see
it in your face. Standing there, stiff like you were, it was clear
you never expected to see me again. And I could tell you wanted to
run as far as you could away from me. I couldn’t mess your life up
again. Make promises to you I knew I couldn’t keep.” He lets out a
sigh that almost tempts me to turn his way. But I don’t. I keep my
gaze out into the darkness.

“When I saw you with Clay, you looked
happy. I couldn’t ruin that happy for you. I came so fucking close
to pulling you out of his goddamn car that night, though. Fuck. But
after what I’d done to you, you deserved to be happy.”

I have to get away from him. I have to
stop this. None of this matters. It’s the past.

“I asked around town about you and
found out you were doing exactly what you’d planned. I know it
doesn’t matter to you, but that makes me proud, babe, to know you
made it happen. Kilo took one for the team that day, letting you
poke him so I could see you, talk to you. When you acted like you
didn’t know who the fuck I was, I almost lost it. It took
everything in me to not pull you down in that chair on
me.”

A sudden wave of heat hits me at the
realization that he was having much the same fantasy as I was that
day. I catch my breath at the thought of straddling Holt in that
chair, our bodies grinding up against one another. The wetness and
throbbing ache between my legs increases at the thought of
it.

“But when I saw how you tensed up when
I said your name, I knew. I knew, babe. I just didn’t understand
what was with the game.”

I sneak a glance in his
direction.

He’s watching me. Waiting for me to
speak.

I shift my eyes away from him to see
Laine approaching with our coffees. She sets the two piping hot
mugs on the table and glances from me to Holt then back to me
again.

“Everything okay, honey?” She looks
concerned. I’ve been coming here so regularly that she and I have
become friends. Not outside the diner, but whenever I come for my
coffee and turnover, if it’s slow, she’ll sit with me. We talk
about her beloved Pip, a beagle, and her always-emotional
boyfriend, who, she says, cries more than should legally be allowed
for a man.

“Yeah, thanks, I’m good. Thanks,
Laine.” I force a smile.

“Okay, honey. Well, just holler if you
need me.” She looks back at Holt. “You good, handsome? Just the
coffee?”

“Yes, sweets. I’m good, thank
you.”

Relieved to find something to do with
my mouth, I lift the mug to take a sip. I need to get away from
him. I can feel myself caving, wanting to give in to him, to give
him what he wants. Shit, what
I
want. Bad.

“I need to go to the ladies’ room.
I’ll be back,” I say, trying my best to hide my now-trembling
voice.

If someone had told me two weeks ago
that I would be in Sammy’s, in the middle of the night, in one of
the cramped stalls in the bathroom, fucking myself, I would’ve
laughed. This is not something I do. I’m not that desperate for
sexual gratification that I would resort to such a thing, at least
not in a public place. But the thought of Holt only feet away,
sitting in that booth, overcomes me with such raging desire that I
can’t help but thrust my fingers in and out of my wetness to ease
the pain. I moan, unable to control the sound of my pleasure,
praying to God no one walks in at that exact moment.

After a few more minutes of snuck
pleasure, I get myself together, clean myself up, and glare at my
reflection in the mirror. The flush is still in my cheeks. Maybe he
won’t notice...

I keep my head lowered as I make my
way back over to the booth. I’m almost past the counter when I hear
my name. Shit. I reluctantly lift my head and look over my shoulder
to see Beth, my technician, sitting at the counter. Great. Just
great. Not only is she going to see that I’m with a client, but
that it’s Holt, the one person I told her I didn’t know.

Damn it, Niki, don’t you
have any fucking self-control?

I push away my anxiety and hope she
can’t see what I’m hiding. Sheer bliss. Still. “Hi, Beth. How are
you?”

“I’m great, Dr. Stringer.” She turns
to her left to speak to the girl sitting beside her. “Christy, this
is my boss, Dr. Stringer.”

“Nice to meet you, Christy,” I say,
dying to walk right out the damned door, right past Holt, and
escape far, far away. Damn it, I let him drive me here. I’m
fidgeting. I can feel it. Still coming down from my climax. I want
more again already.

“I heard it was busy tonight, and that
Miffy came through after getting hit by a car.”

Beth was dating Joe, one of our kennel
staff, who’d worked shift tonight too, so I didn’t question how she
knew.

“Yeah. Thankfully, no major injuries,
and after a few days in observation, he should be able to go
home.”

“That’s good.”

After the exchange, there’s an awkward
silence. I’m shifting back and forth, uncomfortable in my
now-soaked panties. I catch her gaze lingering in Holt’s direction,
and I turn to look his way. He’s sitting there, arm stretched
across the booth, staring at me, and with a look I remember. Sheer
desire. I instantly heat up again. My body trembles, perhaps a
leftover spasm from my work in the bathroom. I turn back to Beth,
who’s already looking at me again. Shit. She saw me staring at
him.

“So, umm, I guess I’ll see you
tomorrow, Doctor,” Beth says, breaking the silence.

“Yes. Have a good night, Beth. Nice
meeting you, Christy.”

I walk away before they can say
anything, but instead of making my getaway, my feet lead me
straight to the table where Holt is waiting. The closer I get to
him, the warmer my cheeks feel. God, there are even butterflies in
my stomach. Just like that first night, when I watched him make his
way over to me.

I get to the booth, sit down, and grab
my coffee, taking a sip. I almost spit it out when Holt says, “You
good?”

He knows. He fucking knows. I look at
him, pretending to be puzzled and sit, speechless.

“One of your coworkers, right?” he
asks, pointing in Beth’s direction.

I don’t dare turn around to see if
Beth notices.

“You looked a little nervous talking
to her, and I’m guessing it’s because you don’t like the idea of
her seeing us together.”

“Oh. Um, yeah, right,” I say with
relief.

Holt laughs under his breath. “Well,
get used to it, babe, because I plan on being around you a lot.
Every chance I get.” His eyes suddenly turn lazy as his grin
becomes more of a smirk. “Don’t think I don’t know what you just
did to yourself in the bathroom either. I remember what you look
like after you come. Just seeing your face when you walked out that
door made me hard, baby. I hope like fuck I get the chance to look
down on that face after you’re screaming my name. I just fucking
wish I could’ve been those fingers. Soon, baby, soon I will work
them on you again.”

Yep, it’s time to go. I don’t know how
much more of this I can take—being alone with him, listening to his
words, remembering.

“Holt, it’s getting late, I need to
get home. Can you please take me back to my car?”

“Your wish is my command, babe,” he
says, with a wicked grin.

Um, that was too easy. Yeah, not
liking that.

I lead him to the register, and after
he pays, he pulls me to him, wrapping his arm around my lower back
like he’s letting the world know I’m his. It arouses me, but I
fight it back. I cannot give in to him. My heart can’t survive it
again. For the first time since he left, I’m feeling good about
where I am. I love my job, my friends. My animals, like always, are
there for me when I need them. I’m not about to let Holt just walk
back in and bulldoze his way through all the walls I put up to
protect myself from getting hurt again. I can’t. I
won’t.

Holt pulls alongside my Honda and puts
Sex on Wheels in park, but leaves the engine roaring. That’s a good
sign that he’s not hopeful of anything. That rumble beneath me
though, it’s stirring my body. I woke my craving in that cramped
bathroom, and it’s refused to go back to sleep. Damn it all to
hell.

Keep it together, Niki.
Keep it together.

I slip off the seatbelt, grab the door
handle, but Holt’s hand on my arm stops me. Here we go.

“Wait. Talk to me. I know you’ve got
words for me. I see it in your face. Talk to me, Nicolette. What’s
going on in that head of yours right now?”

What’s going on in my head? Ripping
off his clothes and straddling his naked body. I have to get out of
this car. Now. Before it’s too late. Before I can’t stop
myself.

“Babe?”

The sound of his voice washes my
fantasy away as I slowly lift my head to see him staring at me
intently, waiting for me to speak.

Just say it, Niki. Say your piece.
Then get out of the fucking car
.

I take a deep breath. “You know, it
was bad enough that you left without saying goodbye, without giving
me a chance to deal with whatever situation was dragging you away
from me. But to find out I wasn’t the only one? That you were
sleeping with somebody else when you were with me? I was certain
you’d left because of—” I stop myself before I go too far. He’s not
getting that.

“What the fuck did you just say,
woman?”

I look at him, confused, not wanting
to repeat myself.

“Who the fuck else was I supposed to
be fucking?”

“What?” I manage.

“I said, who the fuck else was I
supposed to be fucking?” he growls.

I can’t answer him. Is he pissed
because I found out or is it not true? Did Amber lie to me? And I
believed it? All this time...

“Fucking hell, Nicolette. Who told you
that?”

I hesitate because I’m scared for her.
Should I tell him? God. But what if it isn’t a lie? What if he’s
mad because she told me the truth? I’m sure that’s the case. So
fuck it. They deserve each other.

“It was Amber, the girl I saw you with
at The Rox the night you came back. She approached me about a week
after you left and told me you’d been sleeping with her while you
were with me. She bragged to everyone that you got bored with me
and went to her so you could get what you really
needed.”

“That fucking cunt!” Holt roars with
such anger that it makes me shift my body up against the door.
Anger is in his face, in his eyes. His whole body is possessed by
it. He reaches over me, to the glove box and pulls out a pack of
cigarettes. He slams it shut and lights one then stares out the
window in silence.

I sit there, not knowing what to do,
what to say. Wanting to leave but not being able to. My body is
holding me back.

He takes the last few drags then
tosses it out, still staring into the darkness. “Nicolette, when I
was with you, there was no one else. There have been women since
you, but I told you that already. None of them, babe, gave me what
you did. None.”

What the hell does he mean by that? He
didn’t know. I never told him. Shit, could he tell?

“I got addicted to you, babe. Fast.
Your mouth on my skin. Fuck, yes. The sweet taste of you on my
lips.” He faces me then, just as I feel the burn in my cheeks.
Shit. I can’t turn away from his gaze. “Let me give you what I know
you want. You need it as bad as me. It never went away. I know it,
Nicolette, because I’ve lived with that torment too for the past
three fucking years. I see it in your face. I feel it in your body.
I know it’s a lot to ask. To trust me. But that’s what I’m
asking.