Shifting Gears (12 page)

“Okay.”

As Mike slides the beers over to me,
he glances up at Holt then back at me. He doesn’t say a word, but I
know that look:
I got your back if you need me.
I start
walking to my table, but make the mistake of turning to sneak a
look at Holt. He’s still there, leaning against the bar, watching
me. Shit. I turn back around, trying to keep it together, but I can
feel my hips swaying as if they have a mind of their own and know
he’s watching me. No. Fucking. Control.

“Who the hell was that hot piece of
man you were talking to, girl?” Lita asks.

“Nobody.”

No way in hell I want to explain to
her how he’s the man who stole my heart, lost it, and is now trying
to get it back.

“Really?” she asks, raising her brows
and grinning.

“Yeah, really.”

“So you don’t care if I talk him
up?”

“No, no, have at it.” A knife twists
in my gut, but—as much as my body betrays me when he’s around—I
can’t go there with him again.

Holt eventually makes it over to the
table, just as Clay shows up for the night. The two exchange looks,
but don’t speak. Clay grabs the stool beside me, leaving Holt
standing there awkwardly for a moment until Lita speaks
up.

“This one’s not taken.” She points to
the empty barstool beside her.

Cass looks at me, questioning, then
back at Lita, whose attention is all on Holt.

I can feel his eyes on me when she
invites him over, but I don’t dare meet his gaze. He hesitates for
a moment then walks over to sit next to her. I pretend I’m talking
to Cass as I listen to Lita introduce herself. I figure it’s safe,
so I dart a glance in his direction, only to find Holt’s eyes on
me. He’s grinning.

I quickly turn away and get back into
my pretend-I’m-listening conversation with Cass. I hear Lita start
to ask him getting-to-know-you questions, isolating the two of them
from the rest of us.

Yeah, good luck with
that.

He doesn’t give away anything
personal. Ever. Or maybe that was just with me.

“They look good together,” Clay says,
leaning in, whispering in my ear.

I cringe. I honest-to-God cringe at
those words.

Jesus, Niki
.

I turn to look at Clay, trying to
figure out the sudden change of him not wanting to see Holt and me
lip-locking. When he leans in and starts twirling my hair, I figure
it out. He’s playing the game. He wants Holt to think I’m his.
Shit.

He leans in further and kisses me
square on the lips. I freeze. I don’t know what my head is spinning
at more—fear and that always-present anxiety from being taken off
guard, or that my best friend just kissed me, which he’s
never
done, or feeling that all-too-familiar heat coming
from across the table. He’s watching.

I don’t dare look over his way. I try
to play it cool, but it’s really hard when I can see, out the
corner of my eye, that both Cass and Ang are jaw-dropped, staring
at me and Clay.

I’m still looking at Clay like a deer
in headlights when he leans in and whispers, “Was that good? You
think he believed it?”

“I’ll be right back.” I get up from
the table, nearly falling from my shaking legs.

I want to run. Run. But I remain calm
and slowly walk toward the bathroom.

Within seconds, Clay is behind me.
“Niki-cakes, wait up.”

I keep walking, trying to get to where
Holt can’t see me. When I cut the corner to the bathrooms, I turn
and glare at Clay. “What the hell was that?”

“Sweetheart, I was doing it for
him.”

I grit my teeth and raise my brows at
him. Angry as fuck. “Damn it, Clay. You know how I am.”

He presses a fist to his forehead and
shakes his head. “Shit. Shit. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Damn
it, I just keep fucking up, don’t I?”

I let out a sigh, knowing I can’t be
mad at him. “It’s okay.” I sigh again. “You just spooked me. I
wasn’t expecting it. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Clay stands there, pain in his
eyes.

I’ve done it again. Made him feel like
shit. For his sake, I suck up my tension and push it aside.
“Really, sugarlips, it’s okay.” I punch him on his shoulder and let
out a giggle.

That helps ease his nerves a little,
it seems, because he gives me a smile. “So how’d I do?”

“What? You mean with the kiss or with
Holt’s reaction?”

Clay laughs and cocks his head to the
side. “Both.”

“Pretty sure you best get your posse
formed before leaving, because I think that kiss just put you on
his list. Was it just me, or did you feel it too? It was like the
doors to hell had been opened up. I could almost feel the flames on
my face, coming from across the table.”

“No, love, that was from my kiss.” He
smirks.

I punch his shoulder again and laugh.
“I don’t see what all the fuss is about, Mr. Winters.”

“Ha. Then maybe I should do it again.
But then, what would be the point? I mean, Holt can’t see us from
here, so that would be just weird, right?”

“Right. And I’d rather not have to
visit you in the hospital either.”

We both break out in
laughter.

“Okay, going to the bathroom. Try not
to get yourself killed.”

“I’ll do my best,
sweetheart.”

Inside the bathroom stall, I break.
Goddamn it, I thought I was better. I almost lost it out there with
Clay. I wrestle with the inevitable, but deep down, I know I have a
phone call to make.

As I make my way back to the table, I
don’t see Clay, but my eyes quickly focus on Holt and Lita. They’re
both engulfed in whatever they’re talking about. Lita is laughing,
sipping her beer, and Holt has turned his stool in her direction. I
lift up my head as I take a deep breath. There’s the knife again. I
can’t do this. I cannot do this. But I must. Clay’s right. They do
look good together. Their personalities are so much more alike than
mine and Holt’s ever were. What the hell he ever saw in me, I’ll
never understand.

After seeing the two of them together,
I turn away and walk to the stage instead.

Galaxy just got on, and they’re really
putting it out tonight. I wave at Gavin, their leader, as he looks
my way and gives me a wink. Cass and I were elevated from groupie
status to just plain friends a couple of years ago when he started
sticking around to hang with us even after their sets were over. We
discovered real quick just how funny he is. He and Cass go at it
all the time, trashing each other at who could be funnier. He might
be funny, but he’s also sexy as shit and has a major-ass reputation
with his female fans. That’s another thing he and Cass do—compare
notes. Insane.

I think Clay has given up on the whole
I’m-her-man bit as I spot him almost in the shadows, dancing with a
leggy redhead. Through the crowd, I turn and look back at the table
and see Holt, still with Lita. She’s talking, but he’s not looking
at her. He’s watching me.

I force myself to look away. I could
stand there all night, staring at him. Never getting enough.
Gavin’s vocals grab my attention, and I start singing along amidst
all the other fans.

There are fingers on my back, tickling
my skin between the torn layers of fabric. A tingle travels up and
down my spine. God.

“What’s with the show, baby?” He wraps
his arms around my waist again.

I stiffen and fight with my body not
to relax into them the way I desperately want to do.

“Tell your boy there’s no need for the
theatrics. I’m not fooled. I know what your body does when it’s
inviting, and that was no invitation. If he kisses you again, he’s
on the fucking floor.”

“Holt. I—”

“And your girl over there. Only trying
to be nice because I know she’s your friend. You and I both know
where I want to fucking be. Stop playing games, Niki. I know we got
shit to hash out. I’m ready for it. I’m here.”

I suck in a breath, trying not to
react to his words.

“Let me show you how much I have
fucking missed you, baby.”

He starts shifting back and forth,
swaying us with the music.

My body relaxes into him. He feels so
fucking good. Safe.

Damn it, Niki.

“Holt, I—”

Before I can tell him I’m scared, I
hear Cass.

“Niki!” she yells.

I twist around to see her coming my
way. But then she stops dead in her tracks. My guess: she just saw
Holt.

She’s only a few feet away, so I know
she can see me when I give her a glare that screams,
Get over
here. Now.

I pull away from Holt as she pushes
through the crowd to us.

“Jesus, woman. I’ve been looking all
over for you. I should’ve known you’d be up here front and center.
They are blasting it out tonight.”

She’s saying all this to me out loud,
but our eyes are having a totally different
conversation.

“Are you okay? What the
hell was that with Clay? Holy shit. You want to go?”

“Please don’t leave me.
Where did Lita go? Clay is insane. His lips are lush
though.”

“Yeah, they are rockin it. I haven’t
been able to spot any of the scouts though.”

Right then, Gavin walks over to us and
reaches down to tug on Cass’s hair. We both turn our attention to
him, but he’s now looking over at Holt, giving him a head lift. We
look back at Holt, who’s doing the same head lift back to Gavin.
What was that?

We look at one another, puzzled. Do
they know each other?

“Be back, baby. Stay right here. I
will be back,” Holt says.

“Holt—”

“Just stay right here, Nicolette. I
promise I’ll be back. Whatever you’re about to say, just save it
until I come back, okay?”

“Okay.”

Damn it. No control. At
all.

Back away, Niki. Back the
fuck away. Not healthy. Slippery slope.

“What was that?” Cass asks.

“I don’t know. Honest to God, I really
don’t want to stick around to find out either. I have to go.” I
start to back away from the stage. “I need to get out of here,
Cass. He’s sucking me in. I can feel it. Gonna go find Clay to take
me home. You stay for Gavin and the guys. Tell him I’m sorry I had
to leave.”

“Okay, hun. You sure you don’t want me
to go with you?”

“No. No. I’m okay. I just need out of
here.”

“Well, call me if you change your
mind, and I’m there.”

“Okay.” I start walking away, and make
it halfway to the door when Gavin starts on the
microphone.

“So you guys know we’ve got some
special guests tonight, and I want to give them a big shout out and
thanks for coming, but right now I’ve got someone I want you all to
meet. A friend that goes way back with me and my boys here. We used
to jam together, and, if it’s okay with you all, we’d like to play
something together, breaking it down before the chords
ruled.”

I’m scanning the crowd for
Clay.

“Holt Maddox, everybody. My crazy
fucking boy from back in the day.”

I stop dead and twist around to face
the stage. Holt is walking up to join Gavin, holding what seems to
be an old guitar. He sits down next to Gavin on one of the
barstools, and the stagehands position the lights on the two of
them, sitting there with their guitars.

My breath hitches at the sight. He
plays the guitar? One more thing I didn’t know about him. I know
nothing, really. How could I have let this man, who I know so
little about, torture my memories for the past three years of my
life? How could I have allowed him to affect me so much, given him
so much of myself when he gave me nothing? All I knew, all I let
control me, was the way he made me feel.

Cass finds me in the crowd, with Ang
in tow. They’re both jumping up and down as they reach
me.

“Did you know he played?” Ang asks
me.

“Um, no,” I say, still in
shock.

Holt and Gavin are tuning up their
guitars and talking to one another and then all of a sudden, Gavin
looks out into the audience, in our direction. Oh my God. No. The
sounds of their guitars fill the air, and I recognize the beginning
of Aaron Lewis’s song, “Tangled Up in You.”

Holt slowly glides his fingers along
the strings of his battered and aged-looking acoustic guitar then
leans into the microphone and sings. Jesus. He sings too? His voice
is low and husky, almost whispering. It has a sound of longing,
loneliness. It fills the empty spaces in the air and digs under my
skin, creeping in and exploding within me.

I know the words to the song. I’ve
heard it plenty of times. But now, hearing Holt sing it, it’s
different. I’m hearing the words for the first time. Through them,
he’s telling me what he tried to tell me in the diner. What Cass
was trying to get me to see. He suffered too. Alone.