Signs of Life (29 page)

It was almost a month since that painful night with the flat tire, and so many things had changed since then, mostly for the better. After Jeremy made peace with and let go of his anger toward Brent for dying, he found the surprising result was also an easing of his crippling anxiety over Kai’s safety. He knew Kai was an intelligent, capable man, and Jeremy had to trust he would do everything he possibly could to keep himself safe. He could probably kill people with his bare hands, for Christ’s sake, but life was full of dangers and accidents waiting to happen. Sometimes people, like Brent, were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, and Jeremy would drive himself crazy, and even worse, eventually drive Kai away, if he didn’t get a grip and ease up.

It wasn’t easy, and Jeremy didn’t think the worry would ever completely go away, but he was making an effort to stop asking Kai to text or call him constantly to apprise him of his whereabouts. Kai still did it voluntarily, but Jeremy was proud of himself for not
asking
him to do it more than a few times since that night. Jeremy was proud of himself for a lot of things, actually, and now Kai had agreed to move in with him when the time was right. Things were headed in the right direction.

Jeremy did about half of his usual twenty miles before heading back to the cabin, looking forward with eager anticipation to the promised joint shower, and he made quick work of his cooldown stretches before letting himself in. As he stripped his sweaty fleece and T-shirt over his head and took them to the hamper in the laundry room, he suddenly heard Kai’s voice from the kitchen.

“Can you go check on her for me, please? Just drive by her goddamn house, Loren.”

Loren on the phone. Jeremy could hear the sound of Kai pacing back and forth before he continued, “I know there’s nothing you can do, man. But I’ve been so fucking worried, and I’m not sleeping well.”

Jeremy’s eyes widened at that.

“I wish I could explain it to you because then maybe I’d understand it better myself! I don’t know why I’ve been so torn up about this. There’s just something about her that reminds me—fuck, I don’t know. Would you just do it? It’ll make me feel a hell of a lot better. Yeah, text me when you can. Yeah, bye.”

Jeremy heard Kai blow out a frustrated breath and then the sound of his feet stomping up the stairs to their bedroom. Jeremy slumped back against the wall, stunned. Kai was so stressed out about Shauna that he wasn’t sleeping well? Why hadn’t he said anything, and why hadn’t Jeremy noticed?
Maybe because you’re such a self-absorbed asshole
,
he thought viciously, then winced. No. He wasn’t a fucking mind reader, and he and Kai were still learning what it meant to be together. Kai needed to know that he could come to Jeremy with anything.

Jeremy headed up the stairs to find Kai looking broodingly out the window, his hands braced on the windowsill. Jeremy came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, nuzzling his cheek.

“Ugh, you’re sweaty,” Kai said teasingly, and Jeremy buried his face in the side of Kai’s neck.

“Everything okay, Gorgeous?” he murmured.

Jeremy closed his eyes in pain when Kai shrugged and said breezily, “Of course everything’s okay. Why wouldn’t it be?”

Jeremy didn’t want to force Kai to open up to him by admitting he’d been eavesdropping on Kai’s conversation; he wanted Kai to come to him voluntarily with his problems, share them with him the way he obviously did with Loren.
Maybe it’s just because Loren’s a cop and this is a domestic violence situation
,
he told himself.
He’ll come to
me
when he’s really hurting.

Still he tried. “Are you sure? I thought I heard you on the phone when I came in.”

Kai shrugged again. “Just talking to Loren real quick about something. It’s nothing I can’t handle.” He turned in Jeremy’s arms and pulled his head down, kissing him roughly. “Now how about that shower?”

JEREMY TAPPED
on the glass window in the classroom door, watching as several heads, including Kai’s, swiveled his way. Craig and Luke lifted their chins in a “whassup” gesture before turning back to their work, and Kai held up one finger, indicating for Jeremy to wait a minute. Jeremy watched as Kai turned back to the whiteboard and wrote something on it, one hand waving as he emphasized whatever point he was making.

It was late afternoon, and this was Kai’s after-school tutoring class; Jeremy was pleased to see it looked to be well-attended, especially when he caught sight of a slender girl with a riot of curls haloing her delicate, pretty face. Kai had described her so many times that Jeremy knew who she had to be instantly—Shauna. Jeremy was relieved on Kai’s behalf, now that he knew how worried Kai had been about her.

It wasn’t that Kai opened up to him about it, but Jeremy was trying to pay more attention to the things going on in Kai’s life, listen more closely, read between the lines. When he gleaned from an off-handed comment Kai made this past weekend that he often didn’t have time to eat dinner between tutoring and his school-sponsored self-defense class, Jeremy decided to bring him a sandwich from his favorite deli and surprise him.

Kai opened the door to the classroom and slipped out into the hallway, leaving the door slightly ajar. Jeremy was relieved to see his face held pleasure mixed with concern, not annoyance, at this interruption at his workplace.

“Everything okay, Jeremy?” Kai asked. “What are you doing here?”

Jeremy held out the deli bag.

“Brought you dinner,” he answered. “Roast beef and swiss, an extra pickle on the side. Potato salad. I hate the thought of you not having time to eat. I thought maybe you could pick at it while the kids worked or something.”

Kai bit his lip, brushing his fingers over Jeremy’s lightly. “Damn. Thank you, baby,” he said with real gratitude in his voice. “How did you know I was starving right now?”

Jeremy longed to pull him into his arms and kiss him, but he settled for a quick, surreptitious squeeze of Kai’s fingers. “I want to take care of you, Kai. As much as you’ll let me.”

Kai pursed his lips in the gesture of a kiss, then went back into the classroom, closing the door gently behind him. Jeremy stood there for a few minutes more, watching through the window as Kai walked around to each kid, checking their work, answering questions. He was wearing a white dress shirt, open at the throat, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. A buttoned black vest hugged his slim torso, dark jeans and his favorite black boots emphasized his long legs, and when he smiled at Craig and gave him a high-five after checking his work, he looked so fucking beautiful it actually caused Jeremy physical pain.

Finally he turned away and left the building, and as he climbed into his Land Rover, his cell phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out to see a text from Kai that simply said,
I love you
.

Jeremy closed his eyes, resting his head back against the seat as he rubbed the ache in his chest.
I love you too, Kai. So much.
He wasn’t going to say it for the first time in a text, though. Jeremy started the engine and drove away, his mind already busy with romantic plans for the weekend.

“I WON’T
be there tomorrow for community service,” Kai said, obvious strain in his voice. “Something’s come up.”

“What is it?” Jeremy asked, sitting up straight in bed and setting his laptop aside.

Kai huffed out a shaky breath. “It’s just something I need to deal with, Jeremy. I’m sorry that we won’t be there, but I’ll try to call you at some point over the weekend, okay?”

“You can talk to me, Kai,” Jeremy entreated. “I’m not busy, I—”

“I think maybe I just need a good night’s sleep,” Kai said unconvincingly, and Jeremy grated, “Dammit, Kai—”

Kai interrupted him, obviously making an effort to inject a soothing tone to his voice, “Don’t worry. I’m okay, I promise. Call you soon.” Then the line went dead.

Jeremy flung his phone across the bed, not bothering to see where it ended up, and he sat clutching his hair. This was getting fucking ridiculous, Kai’s refusal to open up to him about anything going on in his life, and Jeremy had had enough. He looked at his watch. It was almost 11:00 p.m., and Kai sounded stressed enough Jeremy didn’t feel right about heading over to his house and forcing some kind of confrontation right then, but at some point over the weekend, they were going to talk.

Jeremy picked up his laptop again and attempted to work, but after a few minutes, he gave up and spent a sleepless night brooding on his patio. He debated calling Loren at one point, but he didn’t even know if he was in town or if he would have any idea what was going on. Finally at around 7:00 a.m., Jeremy couldn’t take it anymore and put on his running clothes, heading out into the cold morning air to run off some of his anxiety, anger, and worry.

Without really planning on it, his feet carried him in the direction of Kai’s house, and when it came into view, he was relieved to see his Jeep parked in the driveway. Jeremy blew out a breath, not sure
what
he expected to see, and then in the next instant, his knees went weak when he caught sight of Loren’s truck parked next to it. The windshield and windows were lightly iced over, indicating the truck had been there for hours, maybe even all night.

Jeremy approached Kai’s house as if in a dream, his legs numb, and he rapped on the door. There was no answer, and he rapped harder, stepping back when Kai opened the door, wrapped in a thick robe.

“Jeremy?” Kai said blearily. “What are—”

“What am I doing here?” Jeremy grated. “I’m checking on you because I’m fucking worried sick!”

Kai glanced over his shoulder, then slipped his boots on over his bare feet and stepped out onto the porch, pulling the front door closed softly behind him.

“I told you I was fine, baby,” Kai said, and Jeremy bristled at the testy undertone to his voice.

“You’re obviously
not
fine,” he countered angrily, cupping Kai’s cheek with his hand and swiping at the dark circles under his eyes with his thumb. He took a closer look and then said wonderingly, “Oh my God, you’ve been crying. What is it? Did something happen to Loren?”

Just then the door opened and Loren himself came out onto the porch, his eyes wary. He was in pajama pants topped with a sweatshirt Jeremy recognized as Kai’s, his hair sticking up everywhere. Bed head. Jeremy dropped his hand from Kai’s cheek and stepped back, barely catching himself from falling backward down the porch stairs.

“He spent the night with you?” he croaked in disbelief, looking back and forth between the other two men.

Kai gasped. “Jeremy, no! It’s not what it looks like,” he said, a note of anguish in his voice. “Oh my God, no.”

“Then what is it, Kai? Tell me what this is.” Jeremy could hear the pleading tone in his own voice, and he lifted his hand to ward Kai off when he would have approached him.

“I got bad news last night about Shauna,” Kai said huskily. “It’s bad, Jeremy. Loren called right after I talked to you and—”

“And you let
him
come over and be with you?” Jeremy asked, staggered. “I would have dropped everything and been here before you barely hung up the phone.” Jeremy searched Kai’s face, his heart dropping to his toes as Kai avoided his eyes. “You didn’t want me here?” Jeremy whispered. He turned away, wondering how the hell he was going to get home on legs that felt so frozen. He stiffened when Kai grabbed his upper arms from behind, pressing himself close to Jeremy’s back.

“I love you, Jeremy!” he cried. “I didn’t fuck him, I swear.”

Jeremy elbowed him away and braced his arms on the porch railing, feeling like his insides were shredding. His voice was a hoarse whisper, barely audible. “Of course you didn’t fuck him, Kai. That isn’t what this is about.”

“Then what is it about?” Kai whispered. “Talk to me.”

Jeremy took a shuddering breath, letting Kai put his hand tentatively on his back. “You say you love me, but yet
he’s
the one getting to dry your tears. He’s the one getting to hold you when you’re hurting, getting to comfort you. He’s always going to be the one you turn to when it counts, isn’t he? While I get to bring you fucking sandwiches.” He snorted bitterly, feeling his eyes start to burn. He scrubbed his hand across them impatiently.

“Jeremy,” Kai said earnestly, trying to turn Jeremy to face him. “Don’t you get it? It’s
because
I love you so much that I’m trying not to place any more burdens on your shoulders. I’m just trying to spare you any more pain, even
my
pain, at least until you’re stronger. Baby, please—”

Jeremy rounded on Kai, knocking his hands away. “
Stronger
?
” he choked. “You don’t think I’m strong? Because I fell apart one night when my worst fucking nightmare seemed to be repeating itself, when for a few hours I was convinced that something had happened to a man I desperately love? My worst fear, Kai? You’re holding that against me?”

Kai opened and closed his mouth as he struggled for something to say, and Jeremy went on relentlessly.

“The fact that I’m standing here right now doesn’t tell you I’m fucking strong? That those times I could have driven my car off a bridge, or taken that extra handful of pills, or shot up that extra syringe, and I didn’t, means that I’m not
strong
enough?

“The fact that I put my heart back together again and offered it to you with everything I have, even knowing what it feels like to lose it all, tells you that I’m
weak
? Fuck you! I’m not only strong, I’m goddamn near indestructible!”

Kai’s face was white, and his lips were trembling as he whispered, “I’m sorry, Jeremy. I’m so sorry.”

Suddenly Jeremy sagged back against the railing, all the fight, and anger, leaching away. “No,
I’m
sorry, Kai. You’re hurting right now, and you obviously didn’t want me here. Go let him comfort you, be what you need. We’ll talk later.”