Signs of Life (27 page)

Kai flattened his chest against the granite, stretching his arms over his head to grip the opposite edge of the counter as he gave himself up to Jeremy’s use, and Jeremy pulled up on Kai’s hips, yanking him to his toes as he gave him long, hard strokes, looking down and growling at the sight of his bare cock, slick with Kai’s own come, tunneling in and out, Kai’s ass stretched wide to take it.

Jeremy couldn’t hold on and shoved deep before erupting in long wrenching spurts, shouting at the feeling of coming deep inside Kai, no barrier between them, and with a broken moan, he pulled out swiftly, watching greedily as hot spunk leaked out of Kai’s fluttering hole and slid down the inside of his trembling thigh. Without thinking Jeremy dropped to his knees and licked up the glistening trail, chasing it up to the source, sucking roughly on him before standing up and spinning Kai around, taking his chin in a firm grip. Kai was already opening his mouth for Jeremy’s tongue as Jeremy shoved it deep, moaning at the feel of Kai taking their combined come from it.

“Taste us,” Jeremy whispered, nipping at Kai’s plump, slick lips. “Taste us both.” He licked leisurely at Kai’s mouth as they both recovered, loving the way Kai clung to his shoulders like his life depended on it, and Jeremy wrapped his arms around Kai’s waist and held on just as tightly.

“I’D MUCH
rather you not go tonight, Kai,” Jeremy said tensely. “The wind is really picking up.” Jeremy clenched his hands into fists at his sides, and he drew a deep breath, making an effort to relax.

Kai glanced out the picture window as he pulled on his coat and boots. “I’ve been driving in this kind of weather for years, Jeremy, and besides, it’s not that bad. Florida and California boys don’t get that.” Kai’s voice was teasing, but Jeremy could hear a thread of impatience underneath it, and so he subsided, unwilling to let the weekend end on a sour note.

Kai was right. He was used to this kind of weather, and there was no reason for Jeremy to worry. Kai’s Jeep was old but it was reliable, and he didn’t have all that far to go. Jeremy forced a smile to his lips, and he jammed his hands in his jeans pockets to hide their shaking. Jesus, he had to get a fucking grip.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “But will you at least call me when you get home? The minute you get home?”

“Always do,” Kai assured him, his face softening. “The minute I get home.” He moved into Jeremy’s arms for a leisurely kiss good-bye, and Jeremy had to force himself not to clutch at him, make him stay.

“Can I see you sometime during the week?” he asked. “You could come over for dinner at least, even if you can’t stay. Or I could come take you out.”

Kai’s face clouded over with sincere regret, and he stroked Jeremy’s cheek. “I don’t have a spare minute this whole week, unfortunately. I’m starting that after-school tutoring, remember? In a couple of weeks, it should slow down, and we’ll have more time together after that. But I’ll call you every night this week, I promise.”

Jeremy hugged him tight and then let him go. Breathing deeply, he watched Kai back carefully down the driveway, the thick blowing snow obscuring his headlights almost immediately.
He’ll be fine
,
Jeremy scolded himself.

They’d had a wonderful and relaxing Sunday, napping, talking, eating. Then Kai had looked at his watch and mentioned he had some work he wanted to do at home, grading papers or something, and nothing could dissuade him from leaving. Jeremy had to remind himself Kai wasn’t like Brent, who’d been content to let his life revolve around Jeremy and their home. He was a man with a full and rewarding life of his own, separate and apart from what he shared with Jeremy.

Jeremy paced and looked at his phone constantly, waiting for it to ring or at least chime with an incoming text. It remained frustratingly silent as fifteen minutes passed and crept up on thirty.
Where is he
? Finally Jeremy couldn’t take it anymore and he called Kai’s phone, gritting his teeth as it rang five times and went to voice mail. Jeremy waited five minutes and called again. And again. Nothing.

Finally after an hour, Jeremy pulled on a coat and got into his Land Rover, navigating the route Kai would have taken home, his heart in his throat as he drove slowly and carefully, looking for wreckage off to the side of the road. Jeremy knew about spots of treacherous black ice, seemingly benign patches that lurked under snow and could send a car spinning off the road and into a tree. There was no sign of anything, and eventually Jeremy pulled up in front of Kai’s house, fresh terror gripping him as he saw it was dark and silent, Kai’s Jeep nowhere to be seen.

Starting to really panic, Jeremy called Kai’s number again, then scrolled frantically through his contacts, realizing he never bothered to get Loren’s number from Kai. Jeremy had no other way to reach him. To find him.

Jeremy drove home again to wait, his breaths sawing in and out in barely suppressed sobs. He didn’t even bother to pull his Land Rover into the garage, just left it haphazardly in the drive as he stumbled up the porch steps and into his cabin, stripping his coat off and collapsing into a chair at his kitchen table, his fucking silent phone clutched in his hand. The same refrain ran through his mind, over and over again,
He’s been gone too long. He’s been gone too long.

His body gone completely numb, Jeremy just sat there. Finally there was the sound of a key in the lock and footsteps rushing into the kitchen.

“Oh my God, Jeremy.” Kai’s voice was low and anguished as he dropped to his knees next to Jeremy’s chair, covering Jeremy’s icy-cold hands with his own, trying to pry Jeremy’s phone loose from fingers he’d clenched so tight Jeremy couldn’t feel them anymore.

“Come on, sweetheart. Let go of the phone,” Kai choked out. “I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” Jeremy finally relinquished it and Kai helped him to his feet, trying to pull him into his arms. His legs were so numb he stumbled and fell heavily against Kai, making him stagger back a step, and then Kai’s arms were around him, his voice in Jeremy’s ear, penetrating the noise in his head, “I’ve got you, Jeremy. I’ve got you.”

Jeremy felt tremors start from deep inside and spread outward until his whole body was trembling.

Kai’s voice was ragged as he explained, “I stopped by a store to get lunch for tomorrow, and when I came out, my tire was flat.” Kai made a sound of distress deep in his throat as Jeremy’s shaking intensified, and he hugged him closer, rubbing his back, saying roughly, “We need to get you warm.”

He led Jeremy toward the patio, getting the Jacuzzi uncovered and setting it to bubbling. As Kai undressed him, Jeremy stood as unresisting as a child, shivering so hard his teeth were chattering, and once they were both naked, Kai helped Jeremy down into the hot water, eased himself down next to him, then pulled him close.

“I forgot to call you, Jeremy,” Kai rasped, his voice hoarse with emotion. “I called Loren to help me change the tire. It took a long time, and then we were cold and hungry, so we went to a coffee shop. I left my phone in the Jeep the whole time and I forgot to call you. It was thoughtless, and when I picked up my phone and saw the missed calls from you and realized—”

“I thought something had happened to you, Kai,” Jeremy choked, the tremors wracking his whole body. “It was just like—like before. He left, and he was gone too long. He was gone too long, and he never came back—”

“Jeremy,” Kai whispered achingly. “Oh God—”

To Jeremy’s horror he felt sobs bubbling up from his chest and into his throat, and he fought them for a brief minute before turning to Kai, burying his face in his neck and falling completely apart. Kai rocked him, murmuring to him, his own tears wet against Jeremy’s cheek.

Eventually Jeremy, emotionally spent, let Kai wrap him in a towel and lead him to bed. Kai held him close the entire night, and Jeremy unabashedly clung to him, surprising himself when he fell asleep and slept deeply. Judging from the dark circles under his eyes in the morning, though, Kai obviously spent a sleepless night himself, his guilt and contrition seeming to weigh heavily on him. Jeremy wanted to reassure him, but now he knew Kai was safe, a sense of anger started burning in his gut at Kai’s thoughtlessness. He waited in stony silence by the door as Kai pulled his coat on in the entryway, needing to leave and get ready for school. He suddenly turned to Jeremy and took Jeremy’s face in his hands, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs.

“You know better than anyone that life doesn’t come with any guarantees,” Kai said gently. “I can’t promise you that nothing will ever happen to me, but I hope you know that I would never willingly leave you. Just like Brent didn’t want to leave you.”

After Kai drove off, Jeremy changed his clothes and headed out for a punishing run, not caring about the slushy snow he kicked up that soaked his pants from knee to ankle, the cold air that burned into his lungs like knives with every breath. As he ran he relived his utter terror from the night before, the anguish of not knowing what might have happened, giving his anger at Kai full rein.

Then Kai’s words of a few minutes ago ran through his mind:
Just like Brent didn’t want to leave you
. Jeremy’s stride faltered. Of course he knew Brent didn’t want to leave him. Didn’t he? His husband went to run a mundane errand and was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Brent didn’t
want
to die, didn’t want to leave Jeremy, and the fact he did certainly wasn’t his fault. The other driver was to blame, maybe even Brent’s beloved old car that lacked the safety features that might have saved Brent’s life. Jeremy was angry at
them
, not the man who paid the price. Wasn’t he?

He thought about the afternoon he erupted all over Jase, bitterly accusing his friend, the one who stood by him through Brent’s death and the aftermath, of being the one who should have died. He hadn’t meant it, oh Christ, he hadn’t meant it. Jase didn’t do anything but survive a war zone, just like Kai didn’t do anything but be human for one fucking minute. He was angry at Kai for letting his stress over a flat tire, in addition to the stress of his demanding life, overwhelm him for a few brief moments so he forgot to call Jeremy and make things better for him, things that were in no way Kai’s responsibility to make better.

Jeremy’s stride picked up again and he ran full-out, punishing himself as he realized, yes, he’d been so fucking angry at Brent for getting killed. For not seeing that one-ton pickup truck going twice the speed limit on a residential street, the driver distracted by texting, bearing down on him from the side, ready to smash into him. For not doing something, anything, to avoid it, to stay alive, to stay with Jeremy.

And Jeremy, like the fucking tool he was, transferred that anger to Jase, now to Kai, and none of those men deserved it, not one. Especially Brent, his sweet Brent, who would have thrown himself off a building before ever willfully hurting him. Jeremy staggered to a stop and leaned against a tree, finally letting go of the last vestiges of what had been tying him to the past, what kept him from moving on once and for all, that kept him from embracing fully the new life that was waiting for him.

“Forgive me, Brent, for blaming you,” he whispered. And even though the underlying feeling was irrational and unfair, it had to be said. “And I forgive you for dying.”

Jeremy felt the remaining weight of the past drop off his shoulders, and he turned and headed for home.

THE FOLLOWING
Friday afternoon, Kai stared disconsolately at Shauna’s empty seat, worried sick about the girl. She hadn’t been in class all week, hadn’t attended any of the after-school tutoring sessions Kai set up with her specifically in mind, even though he was thrilled when some of the other kids made an effort to be there, Craig included. Good scores on the benchmark and state testing would go a long way toward Shauna’s eventual scholarship application, and Kai wanted to make sure she was as prepared as she could possibly be. He called her house every night this past week to check on her, and a gruff, rude man—whom Kai assumed was the mother’s boyfriend—finally told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off, that Shauna was busy taking care of that “fuckin’ brat” she’d decided to have. School came last, in this dickhead’s opinion. Kai wanted to go over and smash his face in.

Kai was stressed, but he didn’t realize how much he was taking it out on everyone around him until Krav Maga practice that night.

“What the fuck is up with you?” Loren’s voice was harsh, and Kai’s head snapped around. He didn’t think he’d ever heard Loren use that tone with him.

“What the hell do you mean?” He heard the irritability in his own voice, and he winced. This wasn’t the way to go about anything.

“I mean the way you acted tonight. You’re mad at the world, man, and you even bit Elise’s head off when she made that wrong move.”

Kai stopped short, and Loren, trailing along behind him toward the Krav Maga parking lot, almost bumped into him.

“Shit.” Kai slumped his shoulders, and he leaned over and braced his hands on his thighs, breathing deeply. “I need to go apologize to her, you think?”

Loren’s face softened, and he said, “Nah, letting her kick your ass was apology enough. She whaled on you but good, and I don’t think you even felt it.”

Now that Loren mentioned it, Kai could feel how his ribs and kidney area ached, and yeah, Elise really let him have it tonight. He wished he could remember what he said to her to precipitate it, but his mind was full of Jeremy, like it had been for days, ever since Kai’s fuck-up of massive proportions.

Suddenly he desperately needed to talk about it with his best friend, and he said, “Come over to my place and I’ll buy you a beer.”

Loren searched his face and then nodded. “Okay, but as long as I get to use your shower first. I have swamp ass like you wouldn’t believe.”

Kai snorted a helpless laugh and said, “Deal. Meet you there in ten.”

Thirty minutes later Loren was firmly ensconced on Kai’s couch, freshly showered, a bottle of Kai’s favorite beer in his hand.