Signs of Life (31 page)

Kai could hear how bitter his voice was, and Jeremy stroked his hair soothingly. “You were just a kid yourself, and scared shitless.”

“But you see why I kind of made Shauna my own little personal crusade, and why it was eating me up inside for weeks, knowing that even now, with all the resources I have behind me, I couldn’t help her. Couldn’t even help one girl.”

“That dirtbag of a stepfather is the one who did this to her, not you,” Jeremy said fiercely. “You did everything you could. Don’t you dare blame yourself for what
he
did to her.”

Kai leaned his head against Jeremy’s thigh. “I’m trying not to, Jeremy, I’m really not. I’ll get there. I just needed to wallow for a while.”

“Wallow all you want.”

They sat there for a little while, Jeremy stroking Kai’s hair, Kai letting old demons scorch him with remembered pain, Jeremy shoring him up with quiet strength. Finally they went to bed, and Kai surprised himself when he fell almost immediately into a dreamless sleep.

THE NEXT
morning Kai woke to find himself entwined about Jeremy, his head on his shoulder, Jeremy rubbing a warm hand up and down his back. Kai nuzzled further down into his shoulder and whispered, “Thank you.” Jeremy hugged him a little tighter in response, and they lay in silence for several minutes until Kai screwed up his courage and whispered, “I’m sorry, Jeremy. I handled all of this in completely the wrong way.”

Jeremy stroked his thumb over the back of Kai’s hand where it rested on his chest. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t come to me with your burdens, Kai.”

Kai pushed up on his elbow and looked squarely into Jeremy’s eyes, saying fervently, “I want you to know that I think you’re amazing, Jeremy, in every way. Never doubt that. All of this was my very misguided attempt at trying to spare you pain. The thought of causing you pain just guts me.”

“And the thought of you suffering in silence guts
me
,” Jeremy whispered, “knowing that I made you feel like you have to turn to someone else because I’m not what you need.”

“You
are
what I need, Jeremy,” Kai said earnestly. “And you’re what I want. Loren is—well, he said it best, actually. He’s my comfort zone. He knows me because he’s had eight years to get to know me. He’s like—I don’t know, like a security blanket or something. He’s become a habit. I have a problem, I run to him.”

“Because I made you feel like you couldn’t run to
me
, Kai. We could sit here all day going back and forth with this, but the underlying issue is lack of communication. I just—I guess I
expected
you to know that I was ready to take on the good
and
the bad in your life, and that’s not fair because I didn’t tell you that. I didn’t tell you that I love you. I love you, Kai.”

Jeremy cupped Kai’s face in his hands and kissed him, and when he pulled back, Kai stroked his cheek. “But I knew that already, sweetheart,” he said gently. “It’s in everything you do. It’s in the way you worry about me, the way you take care of me, the way you—the way you
try
for me. The spoken words are just a bonus.” They kissed again, and Kai whispered, “And even though I hate to ever see you hurting, I love that you let yourself be vulnerable with me, that you let me comfort you, let me love you. It’s not a burden to be there for you, it’s a privilege, and yesterday I gave the same privilege that should be yours to someone else. Jeremy, I’m so fucking sorry.”

Jeremy took Kai in his arms and murmured, “Please don’t apologize any more, Kai. You were doing what you thought was best for me, and I see that, I do. But I have to be honest, okay? I can’t share you emotionally with him.”

Kai interrupted before he could say anything else. “I know. If he’s my emotional habit, I’m his physical habit. Having me around for convenient sex has kept him from dealing with who he really is and has enabled him to live a lie. Our relationship has become unhealthy in recent years, and we weren’t willing to admit it, much less deal with it. Meeting you has forced that issue, Jeremy. He’s moving away, and I hope he can find himself and find happiness.”

Jeremy’s eyes widened with shock. “I didn’t mean for you to totally separate yourself from him, Kai. I don’t want to do that to you. And I know saying that I don’t want to share you emotionally makes me sound like the worst kind of hypocrite, but—”

Kai shushed him again. “I don’t resent the part of you that will always love Brent. Loving him is a huge part of who you are, and I never want to take that away or diminish it. If Brent hadn’t died, you’d still be with him. Loren and I were never meant to be together that way, and it’s time for us to move on. It would have happened sooner or later, with or without you, Jeremy.”

Jeremy cupped the back of Kai’s neck and pulled him into another gentle kiss. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, why fate decided to bless me twice in one lifetime. I’m a selfish bastard, but I’m not going to question it, I’m just going to take it.”

“I’m not sure I’m all that much of a catch, to be honest,” Kai warned teasingly, watching with delight as the last of the shadows were chased from Jeremy’s face, his silver gaze lighting with laughter… and love. He would spend the rest of his life trying to put that look in this man’s eyes. “I’m stubborn, bossy, and always busy.”

Jeremy smiled and pushed him down onto the bed, kissing him slowly, deeply. “And you’re infuriatingly independent, and way too smart for your own good.”

Kai wound his arms around Jeremy’s neck and pulled him down on top of him. “But I love you, and I’m yours.” He took Jeremy’s mouth in a passionate kiss.

Jeremy broke the kiss just long enough to whisper against Kai’s lips, “That’s all I ever need to know.”

“IT IS
now with great pleasure that I pronounce you married.”

There was an audible sniff from someone in the audience as a man’s slender, graceful hands cupped his groom’s cheeks, and then the lush sounds of a tender kiss, followed by cheers and various shouted comments ranging from congratulatory to lewd.

It was a perfect day, bright and sunny, a cool refreshing breeze blowing every now and then through the patio area, the glass panels having been removed for summer and especially this occasion. It was a small gathering, only the people absolutely closest to the couple having been invited.

Jeremy tightened his fingers around Kai’s, looking over at his boyfriend of almost two years, wondering for the millionth time today what the fuck he’d ever done to deserve to be sitting here now, with the man he loved, watching one of his best friends marry the love of
his
life.

Jase pulled back from the kiss and stroked his thumb over his new husband’s lips, whispering something meant for Carey’s ears alone, and then he whooped, sweeping Carey up into his arms and hugging him so tightly Carey choked out a sound between a laugh and a cough.

“About time! Yeah!” The petite redhead standing up for Carey as his witness pumped her fist, then squealed as Jase’s best man, her husband, pulled her into his arms and gave her a smacking kiss too.

“Makes me wanna renew my vows,” he rumbled to general laughter, submitting to good-natured ribbing about letting himself be so visibly moved by the ceremony.

Besides Jeremy and Kai, who were hosting the wedding at their cabin, and Quinn and Layla, the official witnesses, the only attendees were the other members of Jase’s band, Eloquent Isolation, and their various crew and significant others. They were a raucous, happy bunch, and Jeremy and Kai had retreated to their house in town and given the San Diego contingent run of the cabin for a week, letting them enjoy some downtime with hiking and relaxing before the wedding ceremony and then the Seattle kickoff to the band’s international tour in four days’ time.

Jase called Jeremy a few months ago with the news that he finally proposed to Carey, asking if they could possibly descend on Jeremy and Kai for the actual ceremony, grumbling something about media circuses and not wanting to deal with “fuckin’ bullshit.” Jase’s band had hit the big-time with several number-one hits in a row, and suddenly Eloquent Isolation became a hot media commodity, especially considering its sexy, charismatic lead singer and his closely scrutinized relationship with his boyfriend, a war veteran and amputee. The gossip rags ate it up and paparazzi were everywhere, all the time.

Jeremy agreed instantly, and looking now at Jase, dressed in a black, long-sleeved graphic T-shirt and dark jeans, his only accessory the bright, shiny new wedding band on his left hand, he knew it was the right decision. A circus wasn’t Jase, but this was, a quiet simple ceremony in the woods with only the people he loved most in the world at his side, everyone dressed comfortably and at ease.

Besides Kai, Carey was easily one of the most beautiful men Jeremy had ever seen, tall and black-haired, with startling blue eyes and a devastating smile. He radiated happiness, and Jeremy watched as Jase set him gently back onto his feet, discreetly cupping Carey’s elbow with one hand until he found his balance on his prosthetic leg.

Jeremy’s wedding present to Jase was to take care of all the arrangements, and now everyone descended upon the lavish champagne brunch he’d had catered, Jase and Carey leading the way. Soon the lower rooms of the cabin were filled with conversation and laughter, and Jeremy caught sight of Kai leaning against a nearby wall, a faint smile on his lips as he held a flute of champagne loosely between ringed fingers.

Jeremy sidled up to him and leaned down to whisper in his ear, “Hey, Gorgeous. Marry me?”

“In a heartbeat,” Kai replied, winking.

It was a private joke they indulged in often, although Kai made it clear early on in their relationship he didn’t need a piece of paper or a few words spoken over them to feel committed. At the time Jeremy’s attitude was “been there, done that, I don’t need it either,” but as the years went by, he’d started to think more and more how fucking much it would mean to him to call Kai his husband.

There was another consideration too. Jeremy’s law practice specializing in adoption and surrogacy law for couples, both gay and straight, had flourished, and spending so much time helping to facilitate the creation of happy families had made him long for… something. A family of his own, with Kai. He
did
have the strength to light more candles, secure in Kai’s love and the healing passage of time.

He leaned down and nipped at Kai’s lip ring, and they indulged in a passionate kiss, caught up in the happiness of the occasion. As the party swirled on around them, Jeremy reflected on the highs and lows of the past two years…. Shauna recovering enough from her injury to be brought out of her coma, but her neurologist discovering she’d need long-term care in a rehab hospital to regain some function. Jeremy quietly and anonymously paid for a year of treatment, and then he held Kai close as he let go of his dream for her once and for all.

That sadness was firmly mitigated by watching Craig and Luke graduate high school and go on to join DC’s handyman crew as highly skilled labor. At last report they were making a decent living, and Craig was dating a girl seriously, confessing to DC he was thinking of proposing soon. The house itself had turned out better than even Jeremy envisioned. It had taken well over a year from start to finish, and both he and Kai were deeply touched when all four boys stayed on to help, even after they’d completed their community service obligation about halfway through.

“Jeremy!”

Jase’s voice broke into Jeremy’s thoughts, and he looked over to see him beckoning. Jeremy left Kai with a reluctant smile, heading over to pose for a series of pictures with the happy couple and their friends. As soon as they were through, Jeremy snagged a glass of champagne and looked around idly for Kai, not immediately seeing him. He wandered for a while, sipping from his glass and talking to his guests, finally spotting Kai through the open door to his office.

He leaned against the doorjamb for a moment, watching him. Kai was standing in front of a large framed picture hanging on the wall, gazing up at it. He still held his empty champagne glass in one hand, but Jeremy noticed with surprise he held the Hawaii picture of Jeremy and Brent in the other.

Jeremy walked into the room, waiting until Kai noticed him.

“What’s all this?” he asked Kai softly, taking Kai’s champagne glass from him and setting it along with his on a nearby table.

“I’m just remembering that first summer when we went to San Diego,” Kai murmured, and Jeremy slipped his arm around Kai’s shoulders, remembering too.

The two of them had made the trip to California for Jeremy to attend a week-long legal conference on adoption law, and he wanted Kai to meet Jase and Carey. The two couples went to dinner at an intimate seafood restaurant one evening, then took a walk along the pier afterward.

Jeremy and Kai stopped to watch the sun setting over the ocean, resting their backs against the pier railing. Jeremy had his arm around Kai’s waist, his thumb tucked in the belt loop of Kai’s cargo shorts. Kai was leaning into him, his hand on Jeremy’s chest as they gazed off into the distance. Jeremy dimly remembered Jase there with his camera, but he didn’t know he snapped the photo until the professionally matted and framed picture was delivered recently, a thank-you gift to Jeremy and Kai for hosting his wedding.

It was a stunning photo, slightly bittersweet. Before dinner that day he and Kai visited the memorial garden were Brent and Zachary were buried, Kai standing quietly off to the side as Jeremy spent a little time with the family he’d lost, tracing the etched names with his finger through the dust and grime of the passing years. Kai seemed to know, though, when Jeremy needed him to step forward and take him in his arms, and they walked back to their rental car wrapped around each other, away from the past and firmly ahead into their new lives together.

When Jase took the picture, Jeremy was reflecting on all he had lost and all he had been blessed with, so fucking grateful for second chances.