Slut (10 page)

“I can’t imagine that.”

“I didn’t look like I do now. I was a hundred pounds heavier and I paid him to kiss me. He wouldn’t do the other. Not for any amount of money I could pay him.”

“You’re the girl from fat camp?”

“Oh my god. He told everyone that story did he?” Yeah, that feeling like getting punched in the face over and over again? I had it.

He didn’t answer.

I’d always suspected. Of course he couldn’t let material like that pass him by.

“He was a stupid kid. We were all stupid kids.”

“You laughed too.” I nodded my head.

“Yeah, I did. Even when I knew it was wrong. But I didn’t know it was you and I was just a kid.”

“What if I was fat now?”

“Remember what I said? Let’s gain twenty together. Then we can lose it together.”

“Here’s the thing, what if I gain it and I can’t lose it?”

“Rebecca, I don’t care.”

“What if I gained two-hundred?”

“Then you’d be a round little beach ball and I’d be worried for your health. But I’d still want you.”

It was easy for him to say that now that I was skinny. “I just don’t believe that. How can I?”

“That’s the problem, here. This physicality is easy. It’s the trust that’s hard.”

I hadn’t realized until now that it was a trust issue. I thought it was a body issue. An esteem issue. But it was all about trust. Trust that he meant what he said. Trust that he really could love me. Trust that I was enough.

And it wasn’t just trusting him.

It was trusting in myself.

I looked up at him. “You’re right.”

“You look like some light just flipped on.” He smoothed my hair away from my forehead.

“It did. You framed something for me that’s been rolling around in my head for a long time but I was never able to get it to sit still long enough to poke it.”

“And now?”

“Now, I poked it. I definitely don’t like how it feels, but I know what it is. It has a face. My face.” I didn’t know if it made sense to him.

He pulled me closer. “This trust thing? It takes time. With me. With you.”

I wanted to stop spilling all my feelings, but now that I’d acknowledged them, I’d opened the floodgates, there was no stopping them.

“You know my mother killed herself.”

“I didn’t know that. They said it was an accident.”

“Of course they did. This they who knows all and sees all.” I breathed deeply. “What they didn’t know or see was her depression. Her hopelessness. That she’d rather die than spend one more day with the people who loved her.” I pinched my lips together like that would keep the words back, but it didn’t. It didn’t cage all the pain I’d been holding for so long. “And I’m so much like her. The people who know, they watch me, waiting for when I go off the rails. They keep waiting for me to fuck up. To lose it. To lose me. Except I don’t know that I ever had me.”

“You are not your mother. You’re not your father. You’re you.” He traced his fingers through my hair.

“I am me. I’m Butterball Bex who had her nose shaved and her stomach stapled. My face, my body, it’s all a lie. How’s that for intimacy? How’s that for personal?”

“You keep telling me these things like you think that’s going to change my mind about being here with you. Why would it? This face, this body—” he nodded “—it’s all a lie too. I could get hit by a bus, have acid thrown on my face, or I could just get old like we all do, if we’re lucky.”

“You are so quick to dismiss yourself. You have the body of a god and the face of angel.”

“I…well. I had nothing to do with my genetic makeup.”

“Maybe not, but you definitely take it for granted.”

“What should I do? Preen in front of a mirror like some kind of peacock braying about my looks? It’s just my face. If you like it, I’m glad.”

I growled. He just didn’t understand.

He rolled on his side and we were nose to nose. “How do you feel now?”

“Still scared.”

“But not terrified?”

“I guess not terrified.”

“Then we’re getting somewhere.”

“Does that somewhere end in orgasm? I need positive reinforcement.”

He kissed me then, soft and gentle. I’d never been one to enjoy that kind of kissing. I’d rather have my hair pulled and fucked like I owed him money. With Thornton, I liked it.

Heaven help me, I melted.

Anything he wanted to do to me, I was game.

This kiss wasn’t heated, or maybe it wasn’t meant to be, but my insides were like butter and I clung to him.

“Now, I’m going to make love to you, because now you’re really naked.”

He pushed me down in the bed and just like the night at the hotel, he did everything right. Yet still, it was different. It was better.

It was more.

Every touch rocked me deeper, harder. I drowned in him and he drowned in me. The synchronicity when he pushed into me, our connection, I didn’t hide from it this time. Instead, I let it take me.

I’d never realized what this could be like, that there was so much more to it than the mechanics. I think Claire called it Tab A into Slot B. Even though it was just sex, it was like some cosmic alignment.

“You’re here with me this time,” he said, driving deep.

“Oh God, yes I am.” My nails scored his back.

He pushed me higher than I thought I could go, my body wasn’t my own, it was his. It was the most exquisite pleasure I’d ever experienced. It was more than the touch of skin to skin, sweat-slicked and animal.

Thornton Henry Edgeleaf III had fulfilled his promise and made love to me.

CHAPTER TEN

I awoke the next morning sore and sated in his arms.

I wasn’t sure which was the best part: the waffles on a tray next to the bed, or his warm skin under my hands, all coupled with the memory of the night previous.

His arms tightened around me and even the scent of the waffles wasn’t enough to pry me from my cocoon.

I couldn’t help but think this was going to go up in flames, so I needed to wring everything I could from this experience.

His stomach growled and I giggled.

“Are you hungry?”

“Maybe a little,” I agreed. “Did you go get this?”

“I did. And guess who I saw in the kitchen in someone’s robe?”

“Do I want to know?”

“Probably not,” he said cheerfully. “Her initials are Rosa and his are S.F.”

“Oh god.” But then I giggled again. “You know, better her than Miranda.”

“She’s a bitch on two wheels,” he agreed.

I reluctantly moved out of his arms so he could grab a waffle. I chose a couple slices of bacon. The waffle smelled delicious, but there was no way I could eat that. Having my stomach banded and stapled, there were certain foods I just couldn’t eat anymore or they made me sick. Protein, I handled well. Carbs, not so much.

Although, I wasn’t opposed to the idea of licking that syrup off his abs.

Or his cock.

Whatever he preferred.

“Damn, Rebecca. If you keep looking at me like that I’m not going to be eating anything but you.”

I grinned. “Oh yeah?” I popped a bite of bacon into my mouth, suddenly shy.

“Do you think they’d notice if we didn’t attend the rest of the festivities? If we just stayed in my room?”

“Maybe not.” Part of me really wanted to stay. Because here, in this room, we made it sort of a safety net. There was no part of the outside world that could get in unless we let it. This was where we’d changed each other, where we’d started building something. This was sacred space.

At least to me.

“Your father will expect us at dinner.”

“As will your parents.” I took another bite. “Unless they’re busy, too.”

“I wouldn’t even want to venture a guess.” He wrinkled his nose. “You’re taking this Rosa thing pretty well.”

“Really, it doesn’t bother me. I mean, I don’t want to see it or anything. But I told her she could do better than Gavin. And
bam
. There’s my father. He’s better.” I shrugged. “And I just realized this, but he’s been alone for a long time. There’s been women, sure. But no one he could really talk to.”

I wondered if maybe he was just as alone as I was. I sure as hell didn’t like it, so no matter how fucked up I was, I wouldn’t wish that on him.

“You think he’s going to talk to Rosa?”

“Maybe. She’s good like that.” I thought about the way she hugged me. The way she always listened. “They could be good for each other.”

“You surprise me. I like that about you.” His phone buzzed on the nightstand.

Dread knotted cold in my gut. Something told me I wasn’t going to like whatever it was.

Maybe because it was nine o’clock on a Saturday morning and decent people were either golfing or sleeping.

He looked over at me and the expression on his face was one of grim determination. “Brendan is here. He came with his cousin.”

“Miranda is here?” That was what I chose to comment on because I didn’t want to talk about Brendan. I didn’t want to face him. Or the me I was when I paid him to kiss me.

“You better tell your dad.”

“I’m not running interference. I hope she walks in on them. Would serve her right for showing up without an invitation.”

“Maybe she assumes she’s invited since she’s seeing Sutter.”

“One should never assume,” I replied in my best Miss Manners voice.

“Is this going to be a problem?” he said after a long silence.

I knew he wasn’t referring to Miranda. “I don’t know. I don’t want it to be. But maybe. I know he saved your life. But he hurt me.”

“Do you think you could forgive him? I mean, if he asked?”

“Don’t you dare go say a damn word to him about it. I don’t need you brokering his apology. If he was sorry, he could tell me. He knows my name. He’s known it for years.”

“Do you know why he was there?”

“No. I never asked and he didn’t offer it.”

“He was there as a favor to his parents. Community service for getting caught with coke instead of jail time.”

My mouth dropped. “You know, if Brendan wasn’t a Tate do you think he would’ve gotten community service for possession?”

“No. But I wouldn’t have gotten sent to rehab either. I’d have gone to juvie. I know we’re privileged. I’m aware.”

“Is he?”

“Of course he is. Give him a chance, Rebecca.”

I was terrified of seeing him. Of what he would say to me. Of how I’d feel. Of having finally surrendered to something only to have this thing come and tear it apart. I couldn’t ask him to choose me over another person. I’d had enough therapy to know that wasn’t right.

But that didn’t stop me from wanting to.

That didn’t stop that loop in my head from saying if he really, really cared about me, he wouldn’t ask me to do this.

Only there was a new voice in my head now too. It said that if I really cared about him, I’d try. I’d give Brendan a chance. If he blew it, that was on him. Not me, not Thornton.

I considered all my options and it kept coming back to the same argument. The things I’d been doing before weren’t making me happy. Playing it safe didn’t make me happy. It didn’t help me be the woman I wanted to be.

So I took another chance.

“Okay.”

“You won’t regret it, Rebecca.”

I exhaled, wishing now, more than ever I could shove that waffle in my mouth. I knew it wouldn’t fix anything, but it would wash that sour taste out of my mouth.

Maybe, if I was lucky and Fate felt like being kind—something she rarely did, at least for me—Miranda would get in a snit and leave when she saw my father’s attention had been focused elsewhere and she’d drag her asshole cousin with her.

“I told him we’d meet him after breakfast.” He leaned over to kiss me again.

My phone buzzed as well. It looked like our idyll was over.

I could only hope the magic from last night could withstand the real world that waited for us today.

I checked my phone.

Rosa.

I have to talk to you.

I typed:
T saw you this morning
.

You mad, bro?

Lol. No. But his girlfriend is going to be
. I decided to warn her. Just in case. Miranda deserved whatever she got, but Rosa didn’t.

Fur is flying. He’s got bitch bites all up and down his back. She just walked in
.
WWW3.

Can you get video? YouTube.

Hold on.

I honked like a goose, giggling with unabashed glee.

“What are you doing?” Thornton asked me.

“Me? Not a thing.” I grinned. I realized I was being spiteful and catty, but she’d never hesitated to use any weapon against me.

I thought again about what Thornton had said about being the person I wanted to be. Cheering on Miranda Tate’s humiliation might make me feel better for about five seconds. But regardless of what a cast iron cunt she was, it really wasn’t my place to judge her. When I judged her, I committed the same trespass I’d accused her of.

Ugh. Growing and being a good person kind of sucked sometimes. I texted back:
Kidding
.

I didn’t get a reply. I had the distinct feeling that if Miranda got too nasty with Rosa, her phone would be buzzing somewhere unpleasant with that text. Like Miranda’s throat, from the back entrance.

My phone rang in my hand. It was Ryan. I answered it, grateful to have the distraction so I didn’t have to think about facing Brendan.

“You’re up early.”

“If you ever loved me, you’ll come get me right now and you won’t ask any questions.”

“You know better than that. I can’t help but ask questions. Like, where the hell are you?”

“The Boondocks.”

“Oh Jesus. Off of Independence Avenue?
That
Boondocks?”

“Yes.”

“I… okay. I’m coming.”

The Boondocks was the seediest motel hell this side of St. Louis. It was known for prostitutes, drugs, and any other kind of trouble an enterprising person hoped to find.

“You are
not
going to The Boondocks,” Thornton commanded.

While I enjoyed his commanding tone, that shit only worked with me if he was pulling my hair like reins. “Yes, yes I am.”

“Not by yourself. And not in a Mercedes.”

“I’ll be fine. I need to go get Ryan.”

“Ryan. The guy you were making out with at Karlie’s party for my edification?
That
Ryan?”

“Yes. That Ryan. He’s my friend.”

“Obviously.”

“Are you jealous?”

“Of course. You had your tongue down his throat and now you’re putting yourself in danger to help him. How would you feel if the situations were reversed?”

“You would expect me to worry about you going to a seedy part of town? Aren’t you all manly-man, football, and apple pie?”

He narrowed his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

I nodded. “I do. And I also know you’d never leave a friend who needed you.”

“Let me drive you.”

“No. Stay here.”

“Why?”

“Because I think something bad happened to him and he doesn’t know you. He might feel vulnerable. I’ve never heard that tone in his voice and he has never once called me like that asking for ride.”

Thornton nodded. “Fine. Let me follow you and as soon as I see him get in your car, I’ll drive back here. He won’t even see me.”

“He’ll see you, all right.” I offered him a smile. “But that works for me.” No one had ever cared where I went. My father cared how it reflected on him, but as to my safety? He’d never expressed that kind of concern.

I thought about our conversation last night.

Maybe he thought I just knew that he cared about me.

Part of me wondered if I was rationalizing, clinging to some stupid hope because he’d dropped me a kernel of affection.

We drove the hour back to the city and Thornton was true to his word. He waiting for Ryan to get in the car and when he did, he pulled out of the parking lot and got back on the highway.

Warmth bloomed.

Until I looked at Ryan.

He had two black eyes and his nose looked like ground beef. “What the hell happened to you?”

“I said no questions. And who the hell was that in the sport ute?”

“Thornton Henry Edgeleaf III, thank you very much.”

“And why was he following you?”

“To make sure I got you safely.”

“Uh-huh.” Ryan nodded. “My car is at the Blue Bayou.”

“The gay club?” I raised a brow.

“Yeah.”

I drove him across town to the Blue Bayou in silence. There were so many questions I wanted to ask him, but he was going through something and the least I could do was be supportive.

Only his car wasn’t where he said it was.

It had been stolen.

“Just what I fucking need.” He dropped his head onto the dash and then swore again, sitting back to rub his forehead. “My head is killing me.”

“Don’t you want to call the police?”

“Fuck it. I’ll do it later. I just want to go home.”

“Okay. I was going to invite you out to the lake, but seeing the mess of your face, I’m just going to tuck you in.”

“Have you ever gotten everything you thought you wanted, but it wasn’t what you wanted at all?”

I didn’t have an answer for him.

“Sometimes, people aren’t mysterious. They’re just assholes.”

“Did you get into a fight with Fain?” My eyes widened.

“Not like you think. We went to the Bayou. And before you ask, yes, fucking together. He thought I wouldn’t go out with him. On a date. Be seen with him. And we ran into some players from Ridgemont. They were walking to The Bird.”

The Bird was a titty bar that was the next block up.

“They saw us coming out of the Bayou and said they always knew we were fags. That’s why they kicked our asses on the field. So we kicked their asses in the street.”

“Did you win?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you fuck Fain?”

“He fucked me.”

I pursed my lips.

“He fucked me and he left me in that shitty motel like some trick.”