Slut (11 page)

“Why didn’t you go back to your place, or his?”

“I don’t know.” He shook his head slowly. “Fucker.”

“Maybe he’s having some emotions he’s having trouble dealing with.”

“What is it you always say? Don’t rationalize bad behavior?” he growled.

“That’s right, I do say that. And in most cases, it’s true. But sometimes you have to give people a little bit of room to breathe. We all make mistakes.”

“Bex, if J.D. Fain fucked you and left you in a shitty no tell motel by yourself with no way to get home what would you do? Burn him with fire? Junk punch him every time you saw him? Tell his friends he has a small dick?”

“
Does
he have a small dick?” I couldn’t help it. I needed to know.

He narrowed his eyes, but then rubbed his forehead. “No.”

I knew why Fain ran. I knew it, because I’d run too. “Can I ask you something else?”

“You’re going to anyway, shit.”

“Was he your first?”

“Really, Bex? You’re perving on my fucked up sex life now?”

“No, I’m not perving. I swear.”

“You will when I tell you about watching him and the stripper.” He smirked.

I had to admit, that smirk was kind of hot. Especially beat up as he was. It said it didn’t matter if he’d been hit, that pain was temporary and pride was forever. I ate that up. But no, I wasn’t perving. Not at all. “I thought I wasn’t supposed to be perving.”

“I’ve done other things with men before. But never penetration. So, yeah, I guess he popped the chocolate cherry.”

“Did you tell him that?”

“After,” he shrugged.

“That’s why he left, dummy. That’s a big deal.”

“Not really.” He shrugged.

“Uh,
yeah
. Have you ever been someone’s first anything?”

“Yeah.” He shrugged again. “High school girlfriend.”

“And?”

“And what?”

He was missing my point completely. “And wasn’t that a lot of pressure? How would you feel if she hadn’t told you until after it was over?”

“Oh.” He said that as if it was a surprise.

“Yeah, oh. I mean, sure, be pissed at him that he left you high and dry in that shithole, but maybe let him make it up to you.”

Ryan leaned back in the seat. “Yeah, at practice tomorrow we’ll probably be back to status quo. ‘Hey, Fain.’ ‘Fuck you, Wells.’ And that will be that.”

“No. Say you wouldn’t fuck him on your best day.”

“But we already did.”

“Which he’ll feel compelled to remind you of and then, it’ll be a conversation instead of fuck you.”

“I don’t care.”

“Don’t lie to me. Yes, you do.”

“I want to say I don’t though, so shut up and let me.”

“Fine. As long as you’re not believing your own bullshit, we’re good.”

“My bullshit? I seem to recall last week you demanded I kiss you.”

I hated it when he turned it around on me. “Oh look, we’re here.” I’d pulled up in front of his apartment.

“I’m not getting out of the car until you tell me. You did promise me an explanation.”

“Your nose is really swelling.”

“I am aware. My whole face feels like a bass drum. And yet, I still require an answer.”

“A guy. I wanted to make him leave me alone.”

“Obviously.” He motioned for me to continue.

“I really liked him. I liked him more than I wanted to.”

He nodded to the bangle. “That from him.”

I couldn’t help the goofy grin on my face. “Yeah. It is.”

“Generous. Does he have a big dick?”

I laughed. “Yeah, he does. And I’m terrified of him.”

“Of his giant schlong? Now I have to meet him.” Ryan flashed her another broken grin from his swollen mouth.

“Shut up. Ass.” I slapped his arm. “No, because I could love him.”

“I foresee a future for us, Bex. These are going to burn hot and heavy and then at the end of it all, it’ll be you and me again, drinking together and crying tears in our beer.”

“If that happens, there won’t be any tears in my beer. I’ll just find someone else to fuck.” Even as I said the words, I knew they weren’t true. They felt cold and hollow as they echoed off my tongue.

“If that happens, I’ll take you up on your offer. At least I know you won’t fuck me and leave me in a roach motel.”

We laughed, but I understood something had changed for both of us. “It’s going to be okay, Ryan. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know. It just sucks getting to the being okay part.”

I hugged him and waited for him to get in the door before I started my car again and headed back toward the lake house.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

When I got back to the lake house, I didn’t have time to prepare myself. I was still raw from my conversation with Ryan.

Something about that encounter broke my heart open like an egg and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Maybe because I’d never seen Ryan so sad. So vulnerable. It bothered me that anyone could do that to him. He was always so happy-go-lucky and confident.

If Fain was just an asshole, if he hadn’t run away because he was scared, I was going to junk punch him next time I saw him.

But Brendan, Rosa and Thornton were all three right out front of the deck drinking afternoon cocktails and nibbling on lunch. I was starving, but my throat felt as if it had swollen to the size of a beach ball and I knew I’d never get anything down.

“I’m glad you’re back. You should’ve called me. I’d have come with you,” Rosa said.

“Oh, you know. Friend duty. No biggie.” I tried my level best not to look in Brendan’s direction.

“Hey, Bexy. You’re looking good,” Brendan said.

Thornton shot him a look.

Sexy Bexy was what Thornton had called me. I wondered if he understood the significance now.

“What? Sorry, she’s hot.” His tone indicated he wasn’t sorry at all.

“Thanks, I guess.” I wrinkled my nose. “So what are you drinking?”

“Whatever Thornton brought me.” Rosa grinned.

“Nothing with whiskey, right?”

“No.” Rosa shook her head.

“So, did you throw down with his cousin?” I nodded to Brendan.

“Not exactly. She flounced out of here with her tail in the air.” Rosa grinned. “But that means we need to give Brendan a ride back to the city tomorrow.”

“What am I a taxi service?”

“I’ll take care of it,” Thornton assured me.

“Thanks, man.” Brendan nodded. “And thanks, Bex, for letting me stay.”

“Rebecca,” Thornton corrected him.

“What?” Brendan raised a brow.

“Rebecca is her name. Not Bex.”

“Is that what you want to be called?” Brendan asked me.

“Either is fine. They’re both me.” I looked at Thornton, whose face held no expression.

I realized that really pissed him off.

“Rebecca, then.” Brendan agreed. “That’s pretty. Makes you sound so much more sophisticated than Bex.”

“I saw that there are paddle boats. Can we go?” Rosa asked.

“After cocktails?”

“We’ve only had one.” Rosa said.

“I think I’ll pass,” Thornton said.

I remembered what he’d said about almost drowning. “Yeah, I’ll pass too. Why don’t you two go?”

“I don’t want to go if you’re not going, Bex.” Rosa frowned.

“Maybe tomorrow? You and me time.”

“If you want to go, go.” Thornton nodded at me. “Go with Brendan.”

That had piss poor idea written all over it. “I… no.”

“You didn’t used to be afraid of me.”

“I’m not afraid of you.” I slid into the seat next to Thornton. “I’m just ridiculously attached to my boyfriend.”

“The first public claiming. Was it all you hoped it’d be?” Rosa teased.

I blushed. “Shut up.”

Thornton kissed the top of my head and this felt good. It was okay to admit I was with someone. That we had feelings for each other. The world didn’t end.

The rest of the day wasn’t horrible.

Brendan was okay. I kept waiting for him to say it: Butterball Bex. Or for him to talk about fat camp. Or something that would humiliate me.

But he didn’t.

Although I got the impression that he would. He was just saving it for when it would do the most damage.

Maybe I was just being paranoid, but both of the voices in my head said I wasn’t. The old one that told me I was shit, and I’d never be anything but, and the new one. The one that liked me the way I was.

I supposed that was a little nuts in itself—talking about the voices in my head.

It was Sunday when he showed his true colors.

Sunday when my snowglobe world shattered.

I was packing Thornton’s suitcase for him, rather domestic of me, but I liked touching his clothes. I liked the way they smelled. I liked that he’d be putting things on his body that had been touched by my hands.

Thornton was having brunch with my father and I thought I’d surprise him. Actually, I thought when we drove back to the city, maybe he’d spent the night at my place.

The door creaked open. “Hey, Bex. Where’s Thornton?” Brendan asked.

“With my father. You know how it goes.” I folded Thornton’s t-shirt and tucked it into the case.

“So did you tell him?”

“What?”

“Thornton. Does he know you used to be Butterball Bex?” He eyed me.

I steeled myself. “Yes, he does. He knows that I paid you to kiss me. He knows that I was the girl that you all made fun of that summer.”

“Huh. He never said.”

“That’s because I told him not to.”

“Didn’t want him fighting your battles? Can’t say I blame you. You know he’d always resent you for that. I’m his best friend and you’re the piece of ass his father is making him marry.”

“What did you just say to me?”

“Didn’t you hear me? I’m sure I enunciated. You are
just a piece of ass
. A fine piece of ass, it seems fat camp helped. But a piece of ass nonetheless. You’ve got quite the reputation and if you think he doesn’t know it, you’re sadly mistaken.”

“Of course he knows it. Everyone knows it. And why should I behave any differently than you? Because I have a vagina? Fuck you, Brendan.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“It wasn’t an offer.”

“Oh, right. I pay
you
now, right?” He referenced my attempt to pay him to take my virginity.

Emotions warred within me. I didn’t know what to do. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to scream and rage and knock all of his pretty, perfect white teeth out like so many bits of gum. But I didn’t want him to know his words hurt me.

In fact, I didn’t want his words to hurt me, if I was being honest.

“I cost more than what you can afford, that’s for damn sure.”

“Give me a number.”

“My self-respect.”

“I hear tell you don’t have any.”

“We all hear a lot of things, Brendan. My guess is that Thornton is going to hear what a bastard you are and it won’t matter that you saved his life because you’re a piece of shit.” I smiled.

“Are you going to tattle, Butterball? You going to tell your new boyfriend that the truth hurts?”

“The truth is what it is.” I shrugged.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means I don’t have to tell anyone anything.”

“That’s what I wanted to hear.”

He grabbed me and slammed a kiss on my mouth. For an instant, I was frozen. The old Bex might have let him. Even after all that venom he spat at me because I was desperate for approval, for validation.

The creak of the door startled me into motion and I pushed him away, hard. “Stop it. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“You were fine a moment ago. Why are you upset now?” He acted confused.

That was when I knew the creak of the door was Thornton.

I looked up to see him staring at me, his expression a dark mask. “I…” I shook my head.

“I need you to leave, Bex.”

He called me Bex.

He called me Bex.

He’d called me…

Panic crawled up from my belly, it preceded the waves of emotion that I knew were going to drown me. Holy fuck, but none of this had been worth it. Nothing was ever worth feeling this way.

But I tried again. “Thornton, please let me explain.” What, was I going to say this wasn’t what it looked like?

But it wasn’t.

It wasn’t.

His eyes closed, he wouldn’t even look at me. “Go.”

It was with a stiff, wooden motion I pulled off the bangle and dropped it in the suitcase.

The lights on the lake would never be the same.

I
would never be the same.

I stepped through the door and closed it quietly behind me. I was Bex Foxworth, Slut Extraordinaire. I didn’t go out with a bang, or a whimper. I went out as if I’d never been there at all.

“You’re better off without her,” I heard Brendan say.

“Fuck off,” was Thornton’s strangled reply.