Slut (4 page)

“It sounds like maybe his nickname should be asshole, too. What the hell? Who says that to people and thinks it’s okay?” I couldn’t imagine anyone talking to Claire like that.

“Gavin Woodlawn, apparently. And I was stupid enough to fuck him.” Rosa rolled her eyes, presumably at herself.

“Okay, so the problem being?” I’d be embarrassed to admit I banged him, personally. I mean, after he said that to my friend.

“He’s here.” She said that as if the statement would suddenly make it all clear.

“Still not understanding the problem. Did you guys leave things badly? Do you still want him?”

“I don’t know what I want.”

“What does he want?” Maybe that would help by process of elimination if nothing else.

“I don’t know.”

“Rosa, you seem like a pretty forthright woman. Why don’t you just ask him?” When I first met her, I never would’ve expected her to be this middle school about him.

“Because if he says he wants more, I’ll have to deal with it. If he says he doesn’t…” She shrugged and sighed.

“You’ll have to deal with that too. I get it.” I nodded, thinking of Thornton.

Again. As soon as possible, I needed to find an ice cream scoop and serve him up like all the thirty-one flavors I didn’t want.

God, I wished he’d just get out of my brain. He didn’t belong.

“I have a plan.” Her dark eyes narrowed with mischief.

“Why do I somehow think this is going to end badly?” From her expression and the set of her shoulders, she was going to stir the pot until it exploded. I had this sinking feeling that when it exploded, it would be all over me.

She sighed. “Because it probably will. Will you help me?”

I didn’t really have that many friends and no one ever asked me for anything that I couldn’t buy. So I didn’t know what to say. “How?”

“I want you to try to seduce him.”

“Seduce?” I quirked a brow.

“Fine.
Fuck
. See if you can get him to go off with you. While I’m there.”

“Excuse me?” Meaning she wanted to watch?

“Look, I just need to know.”

“If you want to watch us have sex?”

She blushed. “No. If he’ll leave with you in front of me. And if he does go off with you, I can be mad at him and then it won’t hurt.”

The logical part of my brain said that this wasn’t just a bad idea. It was beyond fucked. But my heart knew it exactly what she meant.

I sighed. “But then you’ll be mad at me, too.”

“No, I won’t.” She shook her head. “I asked you to. No matter what you do, his choices aren’t on you.”

“Rosa, did you ever wonder if maybe he’s waiting for a signal from you? What if he wants to be in a relationship with you, but he’s not sure how you’re going to react? Then we pull this off and say he does find a dark corner with me. Then what? What if he goes because you’re just standing there acting like you don’t care and he doesn’t want to hurt either?”

“Or maybe he’s just a manwhore like the rest of them.” Her eyes were hooded and somehow even darker than they’d been earlier.

“Maybe. But you could ask.” That seemed like the simplest. Of course, simple didn’t mean easy. I tried to imagine asking someone that. The way that opened you up to pain…

Do you want me?

It was more than want. It was validation. It was being needed. It was feeling valued and if that person said no, you had no validation, no value.

My therapist tried telling me that I could validate myself, that I gave myself value. What a stupid bitch.

Of course I valued myself—I wouldn’t seek out the things I needed if I didn’t, right? I’d let those parts of me starve and wither away rather than feed them. I told her that we both know when no one wants you it doesn’t matter how many pretty things we tell ourselves, they’re all lies.

And maybe someone sticking their dick in me wasn’t saying they valued me, but that’s how
I
valued myself. That’s what was important. I had to live with that. Not them.

“Look, there’s nothing worse to me than being that girl. You know, the one who had a really good hook up but won’t let go? I’d rather hang myself,” she interrupted my self-lecture.

“Or watch him hook up with me?” Maybe this would solve my problem and hers. Maybe Gavin would be like hitting the reset button and I could get T.H.E out of my head.

“Even that.” She nodded. “Please. I’ll owe you one.”

I knew that saying yes was the wrong answer, but that’s what came out of my mouth anyway.

CHAPTER FOUR

We prowled the corridors of that old riverboat for what felt like an eternity. It was like playing one of those first person shooter video games. I kept looking for the enemy to jump out at me and shoot my face off—namely, Thornton.

Rosa grabbed my shoulder and tugged me into another room—a suite, by the looks of it and there, talking about his stupid investment portfolio was Thornton Henry Edgeleaf—my nemesis.

I should have known with the way my luck was going that I’d find him in the one place I couldn’t flee.

“That’s him.” She pointed at the guy Thornton was talking to.

“Really?” I was asking the universe, or fate, or whatever cosmic asshole that seemed to have it in for me, but it was Rosa who was listening.

“Oh god, did you already…”

“No.” I didn’t go into any further detail.

“I see that lady luck is indeed smiling on me today.” Thornton took another drink from his brandy as he watched us.

The flower in my hair burned. I was intensely aware of it, like a little red dwarf in the cosmos of my hair. I wanted to rip it out and stomp on it, but I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t show him I was still affected by him.

Even though I was.

“Then maybe you should play a round of poker.” Maybe he’d take the hint and leave. He’d been so concerned for me last night, but tonight, there was none of that concern present now. Only the sharp blade of his gaze dissecting me—slicing me open.

“Yes, let’s. But we need a prize. I’m sure cold, hard cash is a bit passé for this little group of hedonists, isn’t it?” Thornton asked, those chilly eyes resting on each of us in turn.

“Bex should be the prize,” Rosa offered with a Cheshire grin.

“Really?” I tried to sound as bored as I could, but the idea of it sat low and warm in my belly. And I thought about what it would be like if Thornton won. What he would do with me—and what I wanted him to do with me—if last night had never happened. “I don’t think that offering me as a prize is going to do anyone any favors. What if you won?” I nodded at Rosa.

“I guess you’d just have to see then, wouldn’t you?” Rosa teased me.

“And I can’t play, if I’m the prize. Am I supposed to sit here all night and watch you degenerate gamblers decide my future?” I feigned a southern accent. “I nevah.” Then I forced a laugh that I hoped didn’t sound too contrived. “That’s not happening.”

“Why not, Bex? Are you afraid?” Thornton asked me.

“I’m not afraid of anything,” I lied. I was afraid of everything, I was terrified that one of these days, everyone would know I was Butterball Bex. And they’d know I wasn’t good enough and never had been. I was the product of plastic and scalpels. I wasn’t real.

But if I wasn’t real, then this wasn’t real either. And if it’s wasn’t real, it couldn’t hurt, right?

Gavin had been silent up until now. “I’d take that bet.” His eyes raked over me. “But I say we let you play. You can win yourself.”

Win yourself
. What would that be like? To win me? It sounded stupid when I repeated it in the dark mess of my own head, but it appealed to me, too.

“Okay. If I can win myself, I’ll do it.”

“And just what would you do with yourself, Sexy Bexy?” Thornton asked me.

Part of me was pissed that he was treating me this way, but wasn’t that what I wanted from him in the beginning? There was another part that liked the way that sounded on his lips. Sexy Bexy. It was better than Butterball Bex. It made me feel pretty. It made me feel desired. And desire, in my world, equaled value.

“Wouldn’t you just like to know, Thornton?” I tossed my hair and lifted my chin.

“So you know each other?” Rosa said. “I’m Rosa.”

Thornton took Rosa’s hand and leaned down low over her knuckles before kissing the back of her hand. Very polite. Very correct. Old world gentlemanly. She blushed. For a second I hated her for it.

I hated that she could experience Thornton like this and not wonder if he meant what he said. She could take him at face value. I hated that he used those pretty manners with everyone and that I wasn’t special.

I hated that I wanted to be special.

I hated that I hated… it was all a big, jumbled, ugly mess in my gut. It felt like tacos and beer all mixed up and ready to explode.

“And I’m Gavin. I’m not east coast educated like our boy here, but I’ll kiss anything you want,” Gavin said to me.

I smiled. This made sense to me. This I could deal with. “I’m Rebecca.”

“I think I like that better than Sexy Bexy. That was uncouth of him, don’t you think?” Gavin eyed me with an easy grin.

Uncouth was something Thornton never was in public. But I liked that it felt like Gavin was on my side.

Which was intensely stupid. He wasn’t on my side. He obviously didn’t want anything but to get his dick wet. The fact that I counted that as being “my side” was extremely fucked up. I wasn’t supposed to be here for me, this was supposed to be about seeing what Gavin’s feelings were for Rosa.

He hadn’t so much as looked at her and all of his attention had been on me, but I knew from personal experience that didn’t necessarily mean anything.

In fact, it was probably much more telling than Rosa would understand. Gavin and I were the same in that way. He was avoiding her, hiding from the way he felt. I think. I could be wrong. I’d always gone with the philosophy that if a person wants you, they’ll reach out and take you.

But maybe he was just protecting himself.

Which meant he valued his own protection more than he wanted her. So I guess the same still applied.

Instead of being a turn off, it moved me. We were the same in that as well. I’d rather have a hot night with him than even being in the same room with Thornton and breathing his air.

Thornton wasn’t a bad guy, he was just dangerous to me. I’d worked too long and too hard to be a person to let him unravel me back to nothing. Back to that Butterball Bex who still lurked under my skin where only the most skilled hunters could see.

“Anyone have a deck of cards?” I asked.

Thornton turned and revealed a table that had already been set up for poker.

“Actually, we were just about to play.”

Apparently, Karlie’s father had thought of everything. I wondered how many other themed rooms there were on the riverboat.

And I wondered if Karlie and Finn were making good use of my gift.

I’d rather think about that than what was happening in
this
room. Even if  won, I’d lost.

I sat down next to Rosa, but Gavin sat on the other side of me and Thornton next to Rosa.

Warning bells blared in my head. This was just so fucked up. I could stop this. I could stop it right now, turn around and go… somewhere. Anywhere but here. I could feel the tension pouring off of Rosa and I knew whatever I did was going to make it worse.

And if I was being honest, it wasn’t just Rosa. It was sitting across from Thornton Henry Edgeleaf while he watched me with such disapproval in his eyes. I hated that it affected me. It burned deep.

Yeah, here are my daddy issues rearing their ugly heads for attention.

The voice in my head, the one who made the most sense screamed at me to tell them all to fuck off and run for my life.

Instead, I edged my knee against Gavin’s while Rosa started cutting the cards. He had no discernable reaction to the invitation, until his hand slid up my thigh.

He didn’t even look at me, instead, he asked the table, “Stud or Draw?”

“Stud, of course,” Rosa answered, practically chewing nails.

“Stud it is,” Thornton agreed, his cultured tone making it sound like it was somehow beneath him.

And while Gavin didn’t look at me, that’s all Thornton did, but without any obvious expression. I didn’t know if he was wishing I was sucking his dick or he was imagining strangling me slowly.

Or quickly.

I accepted the cards and looked at my hand. Shit, shit and more shit. Much like my night.

There was no chance I was going to win this or any other.

Why would I play a game I couldn’t win?

And I meant that about more than just the poker. I looked over at Gavin and threw my cards down. “My hand’s crap.” I shrugged. “And I really don’t even know how to play.”

“I could teach you,” Gavin offered. “Private lesson?” He arched a brow.

What was I supposed to do here? It was wrong to leave with him when I knew Rosa had feelings for him. I bit my lip, suddenly very aware of everyone’s scrutiny—mostly Thornton’s.

Rosa pinched me under the table.

And I turned my head to look at her.

Go
, she mouthed.

I pursed my lips together, almost like I thought the tighter I pinched them, the louder my objection would be in her head.

She reached over to pinch me again, I think. But found Gavin’s hand. Or at least, that’s what I think was happening in my lap.

Gavin grinned. “Is that how it is?”

“Oh, have we finished with the veneer of civility now? No more games, just fucking on the table?” Thornton’s lip curled. “Never let it be said that I’ve ruined a party.” He peeled off his jacket and began unbuttoning his shirt.

We all stared at him.

“I’m game if they are.” Gavin nodded to us.

Rosa’s face was a mask, and I really meant to say something intelligent, or do something intelligent for that matter. I did. But I couldn’t stop watching his nimble fingers on those buttons. I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe, just maybe, if we went through with this, if maybe fucking Thornton wouldn’t be as apocalyptic as I imagined. This could move him forever in the hit it and quit it column.

To my great disappointment and simultaneous relief, he stopped and eyed us all hard. “Well? Isn’t this what you wanted from me, Bex?”

Shame burned hot and rancid, and I didn’t even know why. So what if I did want sex with no strings? Why was that something bad? Men did it all the time and they were high-fived. “I don’t want anything from you.”

“You don’t want anything from anyone,” he snarled.

I slammed my hands on the table. “So. What.” I slammed them again for good measure, daring anyone to contradict me. “So the fuck what? I like sex. I don’t like entanglements but since I don’t have a dick, that’s not okay? You know what, fuck you Thornton. Just… fuck you.”

Thornton lifted a brow. “We already tried that. Didn’t work out so well.”

Tears burned my eyes like acid, and that’s what they were—acid rain. They were full of all the polluted emotions that had corrupted my ozone, tainted the atmosphere.

“So why are we here again?”

“Because I know there’s more to you.”

He could have said anything else, and I would’ve been fine. I could have gotten a few more whiskey sours and drowned my misery, numbed myself. But not this. This cut me deeper than any knife. There was no stitching this wound back together.

“No, there’s not.” I shook my head.

“Then I feel sorry for you.”

I lied. This was even worse. “You know what you can do with your pity?”

“I rather imagine you’re going to tell me.”

My knuckles were white, and my fingertips numb as I gripped the table as tightly as I could, like it was some kind of anchor. “You can shove it right up your ass, if there’s room next to the silver spoon. How dare you judge me?”

Thornton nodded slowly, all the heat gone from him. Instead, in his place, was the face he’d been taught to show the world. It wasn’t even armor, because armor could be dented, broken. This was immutable and forever—not stone, because stone could be broken. More like a river—inevitable, powerful, and indestructible. Unless somehow the heat between us could burn it away, but I doubted it. All of that was gone. I just watched it die in his eyes.

Which was just as well.

It was what I wanted.

He walked toward me, closing the distance between that seemed to me both glacially slow, and much too fast. I didn’t know what he was going to do, but I refused to cower. I lifted my chin, and I suddenly found Rosa’s body between us.

She was defending me.

I wanted to push her out of the way, but I knew she thought she was helping me.

He reached around her slowly, fingers extended, and I didn’t flinch or turn away. I thought—I don’t know what I thought.

But what he did?

I’d rather he have punched me in the face.

He took the flower out of my hair and dropped it on the floor, before silently turning to walk away from me.

I kept thinking he couldn’t hurt me more, but it was as if some part of him knew and kept rising to the challenge. Bile and fear rose in my throat.  “You know, Edgeleaf. You’re the whore. You’re the one who spreads his fucking feelings around like they’re bought and paid for. At least I have the good sense to keep mine to myself.”

“I never called you a whore, Rebecca.” The door closed behind him with a kind of finality that felt like the lid slamming on my own coffin.