SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (32 page)

A person’s first experiences with erotic pain are terribly important. Lasting impressions are formed and basic decisions made. A wise dominant understands this, and lets the novice set the pace. After the first few sessions, the dominant can resume control.

Open up to the pain.

Receiving Pain

Submissives have different reactions to different types of pain. These reactions can run the entire spectrum (and intensity) ofhuman emotion from disgust and fear to arousal and joy-or even spiritual revelation. Also, the type and extent of their reaction to the same stimuli may change considerably over time — often in ways they could not have predicted. Additionally, the submissive’s relationship with the person who is giving them these stimuli can also affect their reaction. For those who “get into it,” exploring how they react to receiving erotic pain can be a profound, deep, personal journey.

One reaction that needs a special mention is anger. In general, any feelings of genuine anger that come up, either for the dominant or the submissive, are a very strong indicator that things need to be immediately changed or halted. SM is not about genuine anger. If something is going on to cause you to feel angry, stop what is going on. This is especially true for novices and players who don’t know each other well.

As part of their training, dominants should specifically instruct a new submissive, “If anything that’s going on causes you to feel genuine anger, tell me immediately. Don’t hold it in and let it build up. Tell me immediately. Understand?”

I think that when somebody hurts us in a non-erotic way we have a natural tendency to want to hurt them back. If the hurt exceeds a certain level, we will try to hurt back. If genuine anger starts to come up, immediately call for a rest. Stop the particular activity and regroup for a few moments.

Remember: don’t try to push through anger, especially with beginners. Expert dominants playing with submissives they are already very familiar with might try this, but the techniques involved are explosively risky, and most certainly beyond the scope of this book.

Anger can explode into deadly violence. Respect it, and keep it out of your scenes.

Straight Time and Checking In Later

It’s very important for the psychological balance of both people, perhaps especially for the submissive or the less experienced of the two people involved, to spend “straight time” together after the session. This time is spent together out of role, as ordinary people. A good way to do this is to dress in ordinary clothes and leave the premises where the session took place. Going to a restaurant or out for coffee is a good approach.

Professional dominants, of course, usually cannot leave their place of business, but they can share coffee, tea, or juice (anything non-alcoholic) with their clients, preferably away from the playroom.

Let the novice talk, but don’t aggressively question them too much about what they’re now thinking and feeling. They may still be sorting that out, and thus unable to give you a clear answer.

One professional dominant asks her clients three post-session questions: (1) What was best about the session? (2) What was worst about it? (3) What was most memorable about it? She may have her clients answer in a follow-up letter instead of immediately after the session.

If you have just done a session with someone who is not your steady partner, check back with each other, if possible, the next day. Also check about a week later to make sure both of you are all right. This check-in may be done in person, by phone, or by e-mail, but be sure to choose a time when you’re not rushed and have privacy.

Flagellation

“Start lighter than light. Build slower than slow.”

In this chapter, I’m including all techniques that involve striking motions. Topics I’ll discuss include spanking, slapping, paddling, strapping, whipping, flogging, and caning. I’ll describe other methods of giving pain in the “Erotic Torture” and “Clamps” chapters.

Where to Whip

The basic principle is that you want to whip body areas where the stroke will cause pain but no significant damage, especially to anything underneath the skin. “No significant damage” is defined as anything that will heal on its own; welts and bruises are not generally considered significant damage.

The heavier the stroke, the more carefully it must be placed. Almost anyplace on the body, except earholes and exposed eyeballs, can be
very
lightly whipped. Strong, heavy strokes, on the other hand, must be confined to the buttocks and backs of the thighs, and perhaps the upper back. In general, the more fat and/or muscle on a given body area, the stronger stroke it can tolerate.

Do you have a riding crop that I can borrow for tonight?

Again, if you want to get some idea of how hard is too hard, try it on yourself before doing it to anyone else. Also, play “one-to-ten” with your partner.

The following parts of the body can take only the lightest strokes: the head, face, neck, arms, wrists, hands, fingers, collarbones, sides of the chest, anywhere along the spinal column, tailbone, front and sides of the abdomen, middle and lower back, testicles, knees, shins, ankles, tops of the feet, and toes. Until you are very experienced and have received much more instruction than I can give you in this book,
I strongly suggest that you avoid the above-mentioned areas entirely.

The following body areas can usually take light to moderate strokes: upper chest (stay above the xiphoid process and below the collarbones), backs of the lower legs (calves), bottoms of the feet, vaginal area, shaft of the penis, insides of the thighs, and upper buttocks.

Note: The xiphoid process is found at the notch on the front/center portion of the chest where the ribs meet. Among other things, learning how to find this notch is an important part of CPR training. Take a moment to locate it on your own body.

The following can usually accept moderate to heavy strokes: upper back (especially inner part), buttocks (especially lower half), fronts, outsides, and backs of thighs.

The buttocks themselves have different areas. Imagine either the left or right buttock divided into four quadrants: upper outer, upper inner, lower outer, and lower inner. The two upper quadrants are usually the less desirable for receiving a spanking or whipping. In particular, when the submissive’s body is vertical, gravity often pulls the overlying muscle and fat down, leaving the underlying bone relatively exposed.

the author locates a tailbone

The upper inner quadrant is particularly vulnerable in this regard. Before you administer any strokes in that area, feel the upper and middle parts of the crack between the cheeks with your fingers to locate their tailbone; hitting the tailbone can be extremely painful in a non-eroticway, and can even dislocate or fracture the bone.

I want to be whipped until I cry, then made to please someone with my mouth.

The lower quadrants are more desirable. In particular, strokes to the lower inner quadrant are most likely to feel erotic, thus causing that area to be called the “sweet spot.” (For you medical types, this spot corresponds almost exactly with the posterior S3 dermatome.)

Minor digression: The inner half of the lower half of the upper third of the back (yes, that does make sense) is often a second “sweet spot.”

Another aspect of spanking or whipping the buttocks to consider is the submissive’s body position. A straight body position, such as when standing or lying face down, allows the underlying tissue to relax. A bent-at-the-waist position pulls the underlying tissue tighter and often makes the sensation sharper and more painful. How people feel about that situation varies.

One particularly important part of the body to avoid giving heavy strokes to is the abdominal area. The area between the hip crests and the xiphoid process, going completely around the body, is particularly dangerous because the liver, spleen, and kidneys are in this area, and in most individuals these are only partly covered by the ribcage. A strong stroke to this area could damage them — perhaps even causing life-threatening internal bleeding. I therefore call this area “the forbidden zone.”

What about whipping her breasts?
If a dominant is about to play with a submissive woman, it often takes about ten seconds for them to begin considering how to torment her breasts. Erotic “torture” tends to concentrate on the sexual parts of the submissive’s body, so the question of what to do to her breasts receives early consideration.

The basic question is, can the dominant whip her breasts and, if so, how hard? The jury is still out on this question. Looked at on a short-term basis, the answer is yes, her breasts can be whipped — often very intensely and with deep arousal for both the dominant and the submissive. Her breasts can’t take nearly as much as the upper back or buttocks, but they can often take a lot, and they usually heal without incident. (An exception is breasts which have implants; these should be whipped very lightly if at all.) Furthermore, whipped breasts are often left with prominent welts and bruises. If you are into this sort of thing, such a sight can be deeply moving.

The down side of this matter is that such whippings sometimes leave lumps of scar tissue behind. These are supposed to be benign and not the type of mass that could lead to breast cancer, but anxieties remain. As of now, the thinking within the SM community is gradually moving away from heavy breast flagellation, just to be sure.

(
from a professional dominant
)
:
I see a lot of engineers. A heavy whipping is the only thing that brings them out of their heads and into their bodies — out of their thoughts and into the here and now.

On the other hand, there are numerous non-flagellation means of tormenting her nipples — and, for that matter, the rest of her breasts — and, as an SM-positive physician friend of mine recently remarked, “the nipples are built to take it.”

Whipping Positions

Most whippings are given with the submissive in one of three basic positions: standing, bent at the waist, or lying prone (flat on their stomach). Each position has advantages and disadvantages.

The standing position.
The standing position, usually with the submissive’s hands secured over their head, offers excellent access to almost all of their body. If you secure their legs apart, their vulnerability increases even more. (A kneeling version of this can also be used to good effect, and puts their mouth at about the same height as your genitals.)

Note: If you tie the submissive in this position with their legs together, they will usually be more stable if you tie their knees together instead of their ankles. (You may want to put their ankles in short shackles to prevent their feet from moving too much.)

One disadvantage is the pressure of the restraints against the submissive’s wrists. This can be reduced somewhat by allowing them to grab something such as their ropes. A second disadvantage is that gravity will pull the “padding” of the submissive’s buttocks down somewhat, and the dominant needs to be alert for that. A third, somewhat more serious, disadvantage is that a submissive in a standing position with their hands over their head is at noticeably increased risk for fainting. (Most faintings involve a submissive in a standing position.)

The bent-at-the-waist position.
The submissive can be bent over in either a standing or kneeling position, with the kneeling “all fours” position being more stable. (Indeed, some bondage devices hold the submissive in this position.) This all-fours position, particularly with the submissive’s knees spread, has much to recommend it. The dominant has excellent access to the submissive’s back, buttocks, thighs, calves, and soles of the feet. (If the submissive is male, some protection for his testicles is a good idea; many male submissives wear a leather g-string for this purpose.) The dominant also has fairly good access to the submissive’s mouth, breasts, nipples, anus, and genitals. Oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal intercourse are often possible. The position can often be maintained in relative comfort by the submissive for quite some time, and fainting is rare.

One disadvantage (it’s more of caution) is that this position pulls the buttocks muscles somewhat tight, so blows hurt more. Another caution is that gravity will pull the buttocks’ padding down somewhat, so if the dominant is not alert they can deliver blows to areas less padded than they normally are.

The prone position.
In this position, you often find the submissive tied face-down on a bed. The position offers fairly good access to the back of the body. Anal intercourse and other types of anal play are often possible. (Think twice about how you tie the submissive if you also intend to play with the front of their body.) Submissives can relax a great deal in this position, and can usually maintain it for a very long time. Please note that they can also often take heavier whippings in this position than they can take in any other position, and fainting is very rare.