Stand Strong: You Can Overcome Bullying (and Other Stuff That Keeps You Down) (7 page)

My grandparents experienced one of the most extreme forms of bullying in their native country of Yugoslavia. During World War II, they were persecuted for their Christian faith by the Communist regime. Hundreds of thousands of their fellow Serbians were murdered, expelled, or imprisoned. My grandparents and other Christians had to conduct religious services in secret and under guard because they feared being arrested or killed for their faith.

After years of persecution, they fled their native land and moved to Australia, which is where my parents grew up, met, married, and brought me and my brother and sister into the world. You could say that bullying has had a huge impact on my family’s history and my life.

It may seem strange, but in some ways, bullying has made me stronger. When things were really bad, I drew strength from the fact that my grandparents continued to practice their faith and hold true to their values even under the threat of death.

I felt that if they could show that sort of strength, so could I. When bullied as a teenager, it helped me to think about how much worse it must have been for my grandparents back in Yugoslavia. They survived and went on to better lives, which gave me hope during the tough times when bullies would make fun of me, taunt me, or shun me because I looked so much different than other kids.

T
HE
F
RUIT OF THE
S
PIRIT

My grandparents followed the example of Jesus, who was also bullied by those who hated Him for His teachings. He taught the key Christian values and He lived them, which gave Him the strength to face death and atone for our sins so that we can one day find eternal peace in heaven.

In the same way, strong values can give you the strength to deal with bullying and other challenges throughout your life. The values I’m referring to are taught in the Bible, but often other faiths promote the same or similar values. They are qualities or characteristics or feelings that bring people together, create bonds of mutual understanding and support, and benefit the greater good rather than just the individual, although over the long term each one of us benefits from them as well.

Christian values are the opposite of worldly or earthly values that are more about short-term gain for the individual, not
for the greater good. Worldly values tell us to seek wealth, power, pleasure, revenge, fame, and status. Now, it’s also true that good Christian people can be successful, have enjoyable lives, and be well known and admired, but those worldly things shouldn’t be the goal, even if they are part of the reward.

What are the Christian values that can help you? We are told in the Bible in Galatians 5:22–23 that “the fruit of the Spirit” is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness (which includes generosity), faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. That seems like a good list, so let’s take a look at each of them and how they apply to you, your bully proofing, and the rest of your life.

The Fruit of Love

Life is too short to follow any path other than God’s way. I believe heaven is real, and I want to go there as His good and faithful servant. I also want to take as many people with me as possible. I try to do that by demonstrating and expressing God’s love for them whenever possible.

It is so easy and so simple to tell people they are loved, yet I am always amazed at the powerful impact it has on them. In my school presentations, I’ve had big, tough school bullies break down in tears and thank me when I’ve told them that God loves them. More than once, I’ve had teens tell me that no one else has ever expressed love for them.

That is so sad, especially since Jesus told us that the greatest commandment is “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind,” while the second greatest commandment is “Love your neighbor as yourself.” That commandment is at the heart of the Golden Rule.

I’ll admit that it has not always been easy for me to feel love for the bullies who pick on me and say hurtful things, or for those who treat me as some sort of freak who is inferior or not worthy. I don’t expect it will be easy for you to love and forgive your bullies either.

Then again, it doesn’t have to be easy, and maybe, just maybe, God doesn’t want it to be easy. He may want to test your strength and your faith by allowing a bully to get in your face or do something that hurts you. Knowing that may help you some, but maybe it’s still not enough. I understand, and so does God. So think of the ultimate lesson in love and forgiveness. Think of Jesus on the cross looking up to heaven and saying, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”

You may find that inspiring, but you may also argue that Jesus was the Son of God and you’re just a teenager trying to survive. No one expects you to love a bully who is trying to do you serious bodily harm or to somehow humiliate or hurt you. Turning the other cheek may not be an option either. But later, when you are out of harm’s reach, you can ask for God’s help in making it possible to love and forgive your bully.

Don’t do it for the bully’s sake. Do it for your own. Ask God to grant you compassion for them. God has compassion for us even though He knows all our faults. He still chooses to love us. Maybe your bully lives in a troubled or abusive home without love and support.

I’ve often looked back and wondered if I could have made a radical difference by showing love for some of my bullies. That would have been interesting! It certainly would have been a radical move for a victim to show love to a bully, but that is exactly what Jesus did.

Your bullies may not know what to do if you show them compassion, offer them forgiveness, or reach out to them instead of running from them. I wouldn’t advise doing this unless you have a good escape plan or lots of friends around. A fast motorcycle might be a good idea too. Keep the engine running!

Whether or not you express empathy for your bully, it might help you to think of your bully as someone’s child who has somehow gone wrong. We were all created to be instruments of God’s love, so I’m sure it is part of His plan that we let others know they are valued and appreciated.

I’ve wondered too if my bullies would have changed their
ways altogether if I had dared to offer them love instead of fear and dread. Maybe I could have saved someone else from being terrorized or driven to suicide.

The Fruit of Joy

It’s hard to argue against joy. Who doesn’t want to be joyful, right? But again, you may have a hard time feeling the joy when a bully is breathing down your neck, tossing rocks at you, cursing you, turning friends against you, excluding you from social events, or tormenting you with Facebook posts.

The key to this value is that you shouldn’t expect other people to create joy for you. That’s not to say that your closest friends, parents, siblings, and loved ones won’t give you happiness and joy, but true and lasting joy comes from within you.

I derive great joy from my faith, from my work, from doing things for others, from having a positive impact on the world, and of course from my family and other loving relationships. You can tap the same sources of deep and lasting joy even if a bully is making your day-to-day life about as much fun as a fifty-page term paper.

When you generate joy from within, it can create a sort of bully-proof shield. Believe me, nothing gets a bully’s goat more than someone who can smile and keep walking.

If someone brings joy to your life, that’s a great gift, but know that you can create joy from within by savoring the
blessings in your life whether it’s the talents and gifts you’ve been given or the beauty of a sunset, a hug from your mom or dad, or the warm welcome of your puppy when you come home from school.

Bank all the joy you can find, and cash it in when bullies try to spoil your day. Those bullies may tear up your term paper, but they’ll never steal your joy.

The Fruit of Peace

I’m sure anyone being dogged by a bully would give an arm and a leg for some peace. (No, that’s not what happened to me.) But again, peace is a value that can be and should be generated from within if you can tap into your faith.

It’s possible to feel peace within yourself even if someone is in your face threatening to mop up the floor with you. When I feel like the world is warring on me, I go to my place of peace built on my faith and trust in the goodness of God. There, I bask in His love, shutting out anger, frustration, and worries.

If you need peace because of a bully, know that the peace of God is yours to claim. In the Bible (John 14:27), Jesus explained that He was leaving us with this gift or legacy, which He described as the “peace of mind and heart.” As Scripture says, true peace isn’t something the world gives you. No one else can give you peace. It’s a gift Jesus left us, one that rests within you and your heart.

So how do you tap into that faith? You ask God for it. Seek His plan for your life. Discover His forever reassuring love for you in Scripture. The Bible says that the hearing of the Word produces faith. That’s why I do Bible study, because I always need to be refreshed in faith for the daily ups and downs.

When I went through a very difficult time in December 2010, I kept repeating Philippians 4:13 throughout the day: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Whatever I can’t do, I believe God can do in me and through me. That is truly the foundation of faith that has built me up and transformed me from the inside out.

The Fruit of Patience

I’m told someone once asked God for more patience and then had to wait in line for an hour while God thought about it. When he finally complained about the wait, God said, “You wanted patience, so I gave you the opportunity to practice it.”

I’ve had many opportunities to practice patience, but I’m still trying to get it right. Patience is a virtue as well as a value. I have to confess I’m a little late in recognizing that. When I was a teen, and even as a single guy in my twenties, I was usually on my own schedule, doing what I wanted when I wanted to do it.

I definitely learned my first lessons in patience when I began living with caregivers. They were there to help me, but I had grown so used to helping myself that at first I had little
patience with them. When I began traveling around the world, I always had a caregiver with me, so we were constantly together day and night. They had to be patient with me too, of course.

I’m sure it was harder for them than it was for me, but I was new to this experience, so I struggled a bit. Finally, I learned to be grateful for their presence and all the things they did for me, and that helped make me more patient. Patience is such a crucial virtue in life, and it has many layers and applications. It is hard to train your thoughts, control your emotions, and hold on to patience. Again, I still have a lot to learn, but I have definitely reaped the fruits of obtaining patience and asking God to give me more.

I didn’t realize how much more I needed to learn about patience until Kanae and I married and started our family. When an older friend with kids heard we were having a child, he offered this urgent bit of advice: “Nick, hurry up and learn patience.”

Teenagers have other challenges when it comes to practicing patience. Dealing with bullies requires using patience with perspective. When I was feeling beleaguered by high school bullies, my perspective was very short term. I thought their taunts and torments would never end. That limited perspective left me feeling overwhelmed and desperate. Whenever a bully bothered me, I had to escape immediately. I hid
in the shrubbery so often I think some classmates thought I was a new species of plant.