Stand Strong: You Can Overcome Bullying (and Other Stuff That Keeps You Down) (5 page)

There were times in high school when I seemed to take one hit, one snub, one cruel comment after another. I’d be dragging around with my head down, feeling sorry for poor, poor Nick. Then a classmate would walk by and say, “Nick, you’re looking good today!” Or, “Nick, that speech you gave in class was wonderful!”

A single kind word or a little bit of encouragement would
change my whole attitude! For weeks, I’d hang on to those positive words and use them to keep myself out of the doldrums. It’s a little crazy that we can allow one mean or cruel or nasty comment to send us into despair or depression. Why not focus on the good stuff, the kind words, and the gifts we’ve been given instead?

So here’s my suggestion for a simple, easy-to-apply, no muss, no fuss first step to building your antibully 1.0 operating system. Be a friend to yourself. Forgive your mistakes, your flaws, and your failures. Be kind to yourself instead. Focus on the good.

What have you got to lose? There is so much to be gained by this attitude of self-acceptance and self-love. You will be braver, more resilient, harder to hurt, happier, more positive, and more likable. To begin this process, write down some of your strengths and successes on a separate sheet of paper. Make a list of those things that you do well or things that people have complimented you on. Include things you’ve accomplished, problems you’ve solved on your own, repair jobs you’ve done, good decisions you’ve made, cool things you’ve created, goals
you’ve reached, risks that have worked out, and people or even animals you’ve helped.

B
E THE
M
IRACLE

One of my guiding philosophies is that if you can’t get a miracle for yourself, be one for someone else. When I was feeling bummed out as a teen, it really helped lift my spirits if I just stepped away from my problems for a while and offered to help other people with theirs. I’ve benefited so much by trying to be of benefit to others. It’s made me so much stronger—strong enough to handle anything negative or hurtful that comes my way.

A California teen named Michael wrote to my Life Without Limbs website to share his own story about the blessings that come from being a blessing to others. Here is what he wrote:

If you are having a tough time dealing with a bully or someone who tears you down—or if you have difficulty understanding and appreciating your own value—try volunteering to help at a local charity, a facility for the disabled, a veterans’ hospital, or a homeless shelter. Ask some adults in your life, such as a teacher, a school administrator, or your minister, if they know of a place where you could make a difference. I promise you will be grateful for the experience. It’s likely you will come to feel better about yourself, and that will make you stronger emotionally too.

If you feel like you haven’t done enough with your life so far, set some reasonable goals and go after them step by step until you achieve them. Then celebrate that accomplishment. Reward yourself. Feel good about what you’ve done, and then set the bar a little higher and go after another goal.

Once you’ve built up your self-confidence and expertise,
don’t be afraid to set the bar higher and higher. I’ve done that for most of my life. Sometimes I’ve fallen flat on my face, quite literally. You won’t always succeed either, but as long as you keep stretching and reaching higher, you will create opportunities to succeed. The immediate goal is to make you bully proof, but your ability to deal with setbacks and challenges of any kind will only improve as you grow in self-confidence and self-love.

Back in my early teen years I let bullies get to me in a big way. I allowed them to hurt me and make me feel worthless. I felt sorry for myself. My uncle John picked up on that and put a stop to my pity party then and there.

“Nick, no one can ever change who you are,” he said. “You can cut out someone’s tongue, pluck out his eyes, and plug his ears so he can’t taste, see, or hear, but that still doesn’t change who that person is inside. No one can touch your spirit or your soul.”

Thanks, Uncle John. I needed that!

My uncle was telling me to take responsibility for my own happiness and my own self-esteem. I couldn’t stop bullies from picking on me. Most of the time you can’t either. But you can control whether you let them get to you by stepping up and deciding that no one can make you feel badly about yourself if you don’t let them.

I encourage you to keep this phrase in your mind when
faced with bullying:
You can say terrible things to me, but you can’t touch who I am inside. You can’t make me feel badly about myself. I know who I am, and I stand on my own
.

D
O
-I
T
-Y
OURSELF
H
APPINESS

You should consider your life a do-it-yourself project when it comes to creating your own happiness and self-esteem. Take responsibility for being the best person you can become. Make the most of your talents. Build on your strengths, and work on your weaknesses. Be humble, but love yourself, while always doing your best to develop your talents and pursue your purpose. When you generate that kind of positive energy, you attract supporters and discourage bullies from picking on you.

Self-love and self-confidence come to you when you accept responsibility for your own happiness and success. I learned this as a child, but I had to remind myself of it time and again as challenges came my way. You may need to do the same. Think of yourself as your own coach in that regard. Remind yourself of past victories, and use them to build strength when faced with bullies and other challenges. Be grateful for the ability to control your responses to whatever life throws at you. It’s like a superpower that allows you to turn even bad things into learning experiences that can benefit you later in life.

One thing I did not lack as a child was determination, and
my parents and siblings quickly decided the best option in most cases was to “let Nick do it for himself.” They did not coddle me, which I appreciate very much—at least now. There were times as a kid when I might have yearned to be spoiled rotten and treated like a prince, but my family made sure that didn’t happen. They didn’t cut me any slack because I lacked limbs.

Even today, my parents are always supportive and encouraging, but they never allow me to wallow in self-pity or to hide from my responsibilities. As a boy, I did chores around the house just like my brother and sister. I had to make my bed, clean my room, and run the vacuum cleaner! If I complained about it being harder for someone without arms or legs—and believe me, I did—my parents told me to figure it out. Theirs wasn’t exactly tough love, but they wanted me to be able to handle everything the world might throw at me.

My family, including all my cousins, treated me like a normal kid. They teased me and made jokes at my expense, but always with love and affection. I didn’t always understand why my parents expected me to do everything on my own, but now I do, and I’m grateful for it. They had a son who lacked legs, but they wanted me to stand on my own.

As I got older, I wanted to do that desperately. I hated the thought of being dependent on other people, and I took pride in figuring out how to do things on my own. My parents encouraged that, and they helped devise ways for me to turn on
lights, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and do other tasks without limbs.

Those small victories over my disabilities gave me strength for bigger challenges later in life—but I had to learn to tap into them to build my confidence. There are a lot of things you can’t control when you are young. Most teens depend on their parents for food, clothing, shelter, transportation, and spending money. You are not financially independent. You can’t move into a penthouse apartment or beachfront condo. Yet even when you become financially independent as an adult, many things are still beyond your control.