Stand Strong: You Can Overcome Bullying (and Other Stuff That Keeps You Down) (8 page)

Patience would have helped me greatly back then. With patience I would have had a clearer long-term perspective that would have relieved the stress. I was locked into thinking,
This bully is going to make me miserable for the rest of my life
. Patience would have told me, “This too shall pass.”

The Bible’s most famous example of patience is Job. Although Job was a wealthy man of great faith, for some reason God wanted to test his faith. So God allowed the devil to destroy all of Job’s possessions and to take away his children too.

Job accepted that God had a plan in place and a reason for allowing so many bad things to happen to him. God allowed his faith to be tested to the point that even patient Job cried out to show that he was just as human as you and me. The lesson is that God rewarded Job’s patience and faith by giving back to him twice what he’d had before.

The Fruit of Kindness

How can this fruit of the Spirit help you deal with bullies and the other challenges of your teenage years? It’s a tough question
for sure. When someone is taunting you, physically assaulting you, ostracizing you, or cyberbullying you, where does kindness come into play?

The Bible tells us in Luke 6:35 to “love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men.” And Proverbs 16:7 says, “When a man’s ways please the L
ORD
, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.”

I think the modern “street” translation of this might be “Kill ’em with kindness.” Or maybe not! Seriously, I have tried being kind to my bullies, and sometimes it has worked while at other times it’s only made them meaner.

Some bullies respond to kindness because deep down they are hurting and no one has ever shown them compassion. That’s the case with so many young people I meet around the world. They are hurting. They have holes in their hearts because they live in violent households or their parents split up or they’ve been abandoned and put in one foster home after another.

Yet some people have the gift of kindness and compassion even if they have never experienced it themselves. In Mumbai and other impoverished places I’ve met sex slaves—teens kidnapped and forced into prostitution—who have amazed me with their kindness toward others, including me.

Maybe being kind to those who bully you won’t make
them stop, at least right away. There are no guarantees. Some bullies are just cruel and angry people. But I think showing kindness is always worth a try, and actually, I think it’s the best way to live in general. Even if you’ve never had anyone be kind to you, I suggest that you offer compassion to others and see what happens.

Great power can lie in just a few kind words. Sowing little acts of kindness can render huge harvests. A smile, a compassionate look, a phone call, or a hug can make someone’s day and even save a life.

As a boy, I helped my father plant tomato seeds in our backyard. Then my father told me to watch the vines grow from those seeds. He said it would take a long time, so I watched it for three hours. I saw no change. The next day proved exactly the same.

I believed that if I watched it, the vine would somehow grow more quickly, but with every passing minute, it was my frustration that grew instead. I had no patience. I wanted instant results. My father should have given me a Chia Pet instead!

When I think of this childhood memory, I cannot help but relate it to the experience of kindness. We may get frustrated if it is not returned immediately, yet often a single kindness plants seeds that will one day grow and flourish into something far greater—maybe a friendship, maybe even love.

I believe that to offer kindness and love without expecting anything in return is a heroic act. It takes more courage to give without expectation than to give knowing that you will get something in return. One is an act of faith; the other is merely a transaction.

So be kind. Keep planting those seeds of love. If you don’t have a friend, be a friend. Give a free hug. Give a free smile. You never know what will grow from your kindness. Sometimes magic happens. You may even turn a bully into a friend!

The Fruit of Generosity

We’re told in the Bible that those who bless others with their generosity will themselves be blessed. To have a generous spirit is a great gift. Being generous to a bully might be difficult. It’s hard to do nice things for someone who is making your life miserable. So I’m not saying you have to be generous to bullies. But if you are generous to others, you will feel better about yourself, and that makes it more difficult for bullies or anyone else to get to you.

Generosity moves you to help others. It also fits my philosophy that when you are in need, the best thing to do is serve the needs of others. The Bible supports this when it says in Proverbs 19:17, “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the L
ORD
, and he will repay him for his deed.”

Teens may be tempted to say they don’t have anything to
give, so generosity is not a value they can embrace. Sorry, but that is not true. The Bible tells us in Romans 12:6: “We have different gifts, according to the grace given us.”

You may not have money or valuable possessions, but you are blessed with talents and time, which can be great blessings to others. Volunteering as a tutor, mentoring as a Big Brother or Big Sister, or assisting the elderly are all acts of generosity that require little more than giving your time and energy.

You should never give for your own gain, but that doesn’t mean rewards won’t come to you. God designed us so that when we are generous to others, our spirits are lifted.

When I was in my late teens and dealing with issues of self-doubt, questioning my value and my place in the world, I had this compelling desire to travel to South Africa and help the needy there. A young South African who’d heard me speak wanted to set up a tour of schools, orphanages, and prisons across the region.

My parents were naturally concerned for my safety and even more concerned for my sanity when I announced plans to take twenty thousand dollars that I’d saved for a house and give it away to the needy on the tour. Despite their concerns, I went to Africa and dispensed the funds, buying diapers, washers, dryers, and medical supplies for several orphanages we visited. I was saddened to see so many children without families but heartened by the strength of their spirits, their laughter, and their joy.

I thought I could make a difference in their lives, but—as so often happens when you practice generosity—instead they made a huge difference in mine. Really, that trip changed my life. My experiences there gave me the confidence and motivation to take on speaking engagements and missions around the world.

The contact in South Africa and the funds I’d made from speaking engagements put me in a unique position for that trip. I certainly wouldn’t expect you to take on something of that magnitude. But you could practice generosity in your own school or community, doing service projects or working for a local Habitat for Humanity project or serving on a mission for your church.

Another small act of generosity would be to offer up prayers for those in need. You and I can’t perform miracles, but prayers connect us to Someone who can. Miracles may not be within our reach, but God’s arms are longer than ours, especially mine!

One last act of generosity that I’ll recommend to you is to give your friendship to someone who feels alone and friendless. When I travel and talk to teens around the world, one thing that strikes me is that more and more of them seem to feel
isolated. They often communicate only over the Internet, through e-mails, texts, and tweets. The lack of true companionship is not a good thing.

There was a time in my life when I was very worried that no one would ever want to be my friend because I looked so much different than everyone else. One day, I had this thought:
If I only had just one really good friend, my life would be so much better
.

You can be that friend for someone else in need. You may even save that person’s life, and who knows what rewards will come your way for your generosity.

The Fruit of Faithfulness

I posted a message on my Facebook page in May 2012 that said, “It is far better to be faithful with what you have than being distracted with the ‘if only,’ ‘could’ve,’ ‘should’ve,’ or ‘would’ve’ thoughts. Be thankful, learn, grow, and be faithful.”

My thought on faithfulness must have struck a chord, because more than 3,000 people “liked” it and more than 570 shared it with their friends. Why is faithfulness so important to so many people, and why should it be important to you in dealing with bullies? This is another of those values that can’t be directly applied as a defense against those who would mistreat you, but if you embrace it and take it to heart, faithfulness will make it much more difficult for bullies to rock your boat.

Faithfulness has several different meanings. To Christians, it is about living according to God’s teachings and trusting in His unwavering goodness, love, and mercy, no matter what happens to us. Faithfulness is also a virtue or character trait. When you have it, faithfulness proves to those around you that you are filled with God’s Spirit.

Do people think of you as a faithful person? a faithful friend? a faithful student, classmate, teammate, or employee? If not, it’s because you aren’t being who you claim to be. Somewhere along the line you’ve broken the bonds of trust that faithfulness strengthens.

Early in my life especially, I had to depend on the faithfulness of those who took care of me. My parents proved their faithfulness in caring for me and giving me the guidance I needed, even when I resisted it. Now my caregivers who help me deal with my disabilities display their faithfulness by showing up every day, doing their jobs, and standing by me even when I’m cranky and not much fun to hang out with. When my faithfulness needs a tune-up and I need to look at my priorities, I ask God to help me and I thank Him for being faithful to me.

To the world in general, faithfulness also means being loyal, reliable, trustworthy, and steadfast. Teens, and adults too, show faithfulness by doing what they say they will do, keeping promises, and being authentic by “walking the talk.”

Don’t let hurts or hard times throw you off track. Keep the faith. Know that you have value, and know that hurts fade and hard times give way to better days. I sort of panicked in my early teens, and as a result, I lost faithfulness in several areas of my life, wandering from some of my most important values and beliefs.

If you’ve made the same mistake, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody is perfect. Be grateful that you still have the opportunity to get back on track, and then take steps to return to a more authentic and fulfilling lifestyle. Determine who could have been hurt by your actions or words, ask them for forgiveness, and also ask God for forgiveness and to renew your mind day by day.

The Fruit of Gentleness

The Bible has many references to gentleness as a desirable value. Galatians 6:1 even seems to offer advice on how to use gentleness when dealing with bullies. It says, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”

A modern interpretation of that might be: “Dude, if a bully
gets in your face, you should tell him to chill; just make sure you don’t become a bully too.”

I’ve never tried to use gentleness on a bully, but there is another scripture that says, “Let your gentleness be evident to all.” Maybe that approach would work, but then again, maybe not. So what place does gentleness have in our efforts to bully proof you? Well, being a gentle spirit may not scare away your tormentors, but it might help you build a protective shield of friends and supporters whom bullies won’t want to mess with.

Being gentle isn’t about being weak. Jesus is often described as gentle and He certainly wasn’t weak. He even threw the money-changers out of the temple. That was awesome! Being gentle is more about practicing humility, giving up the need to be right, putting other people first, being a good listener and a good friend, protecting those who are being abused, and comforting those in need.