Stand Strong: You Can Overcome Bullying (and Other Stuff That Keeps You Down) (12 page)

Today, Ignatius leads our Hong Kong office and oversees our ministry to all of China and most of Asia. When he first contacted me and we met in 2008, Ignatius expressed his belief that young people in Asia needed to hear my message of faith, hope, and determination. Now, he helps me do that in a big way.

“In our culture, people always compare with each other and they can easily focus on what they don’t have, their limitations,” Ignatius said.

He believes that their culture leads Asian parents to focus on improving the faults of their children while they tend to neglect encouragement and praise for their children’s achievements and strengths. Asian parents also tend to tell their children what careers to choose, focusing on income instead of allowing the kids to find their own paths based on their own dreams and passions, Ignatius says.

“Money comes first, and most parents suppress the free will of kids in telling them what to study and what career path to choose,” he said. “That is why our young generation is not happy and feels lost when it comes to a purpose in their lives.”

Ignatius, who has dedicated much of his life to encouraging young people to have hope and to follow their dreams, quickly became my biggest advocate and supporter in Asia. He has organized several tours for me that have covered more than a dozen countries in his part of the world. As you can imagine, these tours are very complex operations, yet I’ve learned there is no challenge Ignatius can’t overcome through sheer force of will.

Your backup team members also want to see you grow and exceed your own expectations. Along with arranging my Asian tours, Ignatius, a lover and supporter of music, has encouraged me to pursue my interest in music, helping me release an album of children’s songs.

My humble friend is the founder of two music charities in Hong Kong. His Music Angel Program brings renowned musicians and their music to children with disabilities throughout Asia. Ignatius also founded the Metropolitan Youth Orchestra of Hong Kong, which provides instruction and performance opportunities for more than 250 young musicians from 120 schools. The MYO musicians, whose motto is Music Excellence with a Soul, perform around the world, often for charity
events in collaboration with renowned conductors and the finest musicians.

When you build your backup team, keep in mind that it can have a snowball effect. One good friend tends to attract others. That’s exactly what happened when I joined forces with Ignatius. Working with him in Asia led me to another wonderful and supportive friend, Mr. Vu, a wealthy businessman in the steel industry who has become my biggest supporter in Vietnam.

Mr. Vu shares our passion for encouraging young people to overcome obstacles. One thing you may find with your backup, which is true of my relationship with Mr. Vu, is that you don’t have to share everything as long as you share one major passion.

Mr. Vu is not a Christian. He is a devout Buddhist. Yet he doesn’t focus on how we differ in our faith. Like a true friend, he focuses on what we share. He has worked his tail off to set up tours of Vietnam for me, and the success of those trips has amazed us both. He put up more than one million dollars of his own money to lease a stadium for one event. We thought it would be a fairly small event with a couple thousand people,
but more than thirty-five thousand showed up. Later, Mr. Vu flew us to Cambodia for more appearances.

F
INDING
B
ACKUP

These two men are now major members of my backup team in Asia and around the world. Both of them were drawn to my purpose to elevate lives and ignite hope. Your backup team will likely grow in the same way as you identify what it is you are passionate about and work to follow your purpose. In the meantime, if you are having trouble finding friends, as I mentioned earlier, look to groups, clubs, and organizations that are in line with your interests and passions.

One of the best things you can do for yourself and for your bully defense system is to be as strong and as healthy as you can be. This works on several levels. If you get strong and fit, you put yourself in a position to participate in athletics with teammates who can become friends and provide you with backup. Being strong physically is also great for your self-confidence. Bullies don’t usually pick on those who look fit and exude confidence.

Taking self-defense classes is another way to get fit, make friends, and strengthen your bully defense system. You don’t have to be a big person or incredibly strong to practice martial arts. The training is often designed to help smaller people protect themselves from larger attackers.

If you are physically capable, I recommend taking martial arts classes, especially those that focus on defending yourself without causing great harm to your opponent. I don’t like physical violence, but I’ve had to protect myself as best I can on occasion, and the more you know about the art of self-defense, the more capable and confident you will be if a bully is intent on hurting you physically.

One of the best things about martial arts training is that it builds self-confidence and teaches you how to remain calm when threatened. Many bullies will back down when they see someone isn’t easily threatened, especially if their intended victim uses training to easily break free of a wrist grab or headlock.

Look for a martial arts program that is designed to help you protect yourself rather than one that is all about combat, hurting people, or fighting competitively. Many martial arts instructors suggest jujitsu classes for teens faced with bullying because most forms of it teach methods for breaking free from attackers who try to grab you, put you in a headlock, choke you, pull you away, or bear hug you.

If I could take martial arts, I’d like to try something like aikido, which uses elements of jujitsu but focuses more on pure self-defense with methods that enable you to protect yourself without seriously hurting your attacker. Aikido is cool because you are taught to use the attacker’s strength and momentum to repel the attack and prevent injury to yourself. You don’t have
to be superstrong or a big person to learn to use aikido, so it’s especially good for those of us whom bullies like to pick on.

There are many benefits of self-defense martial arts. Training also stresses self-discipline, risk-assessment skills, coordination, flexibility, and strength, all of which are very beneficial.

Even if you don’t hurt your bully, once the bully sees that you have martial arts skills, you probably won’t have any more problems with that person trying to attack you. Another major benefit is that your self-defense classmates will become friends willing to stand by you and support you, which is a big deterrent to bullies. Remember, you should fight only if attacked and left no choice. I don’t say that because I’m soft hearted. I’ve known people who got into fights over minor things only to have the other person pull out a knife or a gun and nearly kill them—or kill them. That’s why I don’t advocate jumping into a fight with your bully unless you have no other choice.

R
EACHING
O
UT

It can be difficult to find and make friends if you’re the new kid or if you have an obvious disability. I’ve been in both of those situations and sometimes more of them all at once. Imagine being the new kid in school who is also the only student without arms and legs, as well as the only one in a wheelchair and the only one with an Australian accent!

It didn’t help that I did a really dumb thing when my parents moved us to the United States from Australia the first time. I worked very hard to cover up my Australian accent and sound American. Then a couple of months into the school year, I discovered that American girls loved Australian accents! You can believe I went all-out Aussie after that, mate.

I made the mistake of trying to hide my accent, just as I once tried to hide my faith to fit in with the cool crowd at school. That sort of thing rarely works out well. You can’t hide who you are. You can’t deny what you truly believe. So my advice is to be yourself and make an active effort to find people who are willing to accept the real you. We all feel lonely at some points in our lives. There is not a person in this world who hasn’t felt different or alienated at one time or another. The good news is you can do something about that, and you should. The first step is to stop waiting for the world to come to you and to reach out on your own.

Here is testimony from a teen who wrote to Life Without Limbs about coming out of his shell:

This story hit home with me because I spent my teen years feeling much the same way as I tried to accept my circumstances and myself. My parents always pushed me to reach out to my classmates. They encouraged me: “You’re a fun guy, Nick. People will like you, but you can’t always expect them to come to you first. Sometimes you have to reach out to them. Speak up in class. Talk to the other kids. Help them get to know you!”

I hated to admit it, but my parents were right. (Sometimes they’d get lucky that way!) When I joked around in class and smiled and talked to kids in the hallway, they got over the fact that I was in a wheelchair and minus a few parts. They were much more accepting of me than I’d ever imagined they would be.

If you are ever in a situation where you are the new kid in school or in town or at work, do me a favor: don’t pull a Nick and try to hide in the bushes. That doesn’t help anything, and besides, there are mosquitoes there! Have you ever been eaten alive by mosquitoes? Now imagine being eaten alive by mosquitoes and not having any hands to scratch with! It’s torture!

Instead of hiding and isolating yourself even more, make it your mission to make friends. Don’t try too hard. Don’t do what a kid in my school used to do and offer a quarter to anyone who’ll be your friend. (I held out for fifty cents!) Instead, join organizations geared toward your interests so you can meet people who have those same interests. Volunteer your time for charitable groups, church groups, community events, or causes you believe in. It’s all about finding common ground and building up from there. You don’t have to impress people. Just be yourself and let them figure out how cool you are.

It takes courage and patience to put yourself out there. Believe me, I know. But the more friends you have, the less vulnerable you will be to life’s bullies and hard times. Loneliness afflicts us all, but it’s not terminal. You can kick it. Be open to
the possibility that there are other human beings on this planet who might want to be friends with you. You may be more lovable than you think!