Stand Strong: You Can Overcome Bullying (and Other Stuff That Keeps You Down) (13 page)

Anna, who lives in the British Isles, sent to our Life Without Limbs website her story of struggling to fit in. I found it very inspiring, and I hope you do too. Anna demonstrates a wonderful spirit in this story. She also shows great courage and determination. Rather than feeling sorry for herself and playing the victim, she reached out, made friends, and found the ultimate backup:

Anna discovered something wonderful when she made the choice not to feel sorry for herself and not to be lonely anymore. She discovered that the first step to making friends is to be a friend to yourself. Accept that you have value, that you are worthy of love and trust. Know that God loves you so that you will never be alone or unloved, and then take that knowledge and self-acceptance and make yourself available. Let other people
see the wonderful person God created you to be. It worked for Anna, and it will work for you too!

Do you remember the last time a bully gave you a hard time? Did the person say something mean, threaten you physically, start a rumor, post an unflattering picture online, or turn other people against you? Try to create a clear picture in your mind of exactly what happened.

Now think about how you felt. What emotions rose up? Did you feel hurt? anger? despair? depression? frustration? all of the above? anything else?

Okay, now think about what you did in response to the bully’s actions or words. Did it make things better or worse? Did that bully stop bothering you? After you responded, did you feel better or worse? What would you have done differently?

Feel free to write down your responses to all my crazy questions on a sheet of paper. Many people find that writing things down helps them work out problems. It’s also a good way to begin monitoring your negative emotions, so that instead of
just responding emotionally, you can think first and respond more thoughtfully—which is always the best way to go.

In the Bible, Proverbs 16:32 tells us that it is “better to be slow to anger than to be a mighty warrior, and one who controls his temper is better than one who captures a city.”

We have emotions for a reason. They don’t just come over us by chance, even though it sometimes may seem that way. Asking where your emotions come from and assessing why you feel the way you feel are critical parts of creating self-awareness and asserting self-control over your actions.

It’s important to know what triggers your emotions so you can better control your responses in ways that benefit you over the long term. Managing negative emotions is an important part of your bully defense system, and it is also a key to living a more successful life. People who let their negative emotions control their actions tend to feel out of control, insecure, and unhappy. Those who act based on a thoughtful process for monitoring and managing such emotions tend to be more successful, more confident, and happier.

Notice I didn’t tell you that you should control your negative emotions. This is because you really can’t control those feelings. The part of the brain that creates emotional responses has its own control room, and you don’t have a key. Sorry, but that is not an excuse to shove an entire pie in your sister’s face when she makes fun of you! You are still responsible for your actions.

People often are confused about the difference between controlling bad feelings and controlling actions. When we are very young, most of our emotional reactions are the result of triggers hard wired into our DNA, because over the centuries of human development, they were proven to help us survive in an often-hostile world.

As we get older, we have experiences upon which we form judgments so our emotional responses become more individualized. They are still automatic responses—meaning we have no control over them—but they are based on our value judgments and therefore may not be the correct responses. For example, you may fear someone based on a false story you heard about her. Or you may be naturally drawn to a man you don’t know because he looks like your favorite uncle.

Emotions are useful in that they allow us to make very fast value judgments at times when fast responses are needed; for example, reacting quickly when you see an alligator swimming toward you with its jaws opened wide. But negative emotions can be bullies that push you to do crazy things that might hurt you and your relationships. You should first seek to understand what is behind the negative emotion before deciding how to respond to it. If you realize the feelings are based on incorrect information—the girl really isn’t a bully or the man isn’t your uncle—then you need to figure out how to respond accordingly.

When a mean dog appears out of nowhere and starts snarling and snapping its teeth in your direction, you feel scared. Your heart starts pounding. You breathe more rapidly. Maybe the hair on the back of your neck stands up or your face reddens.

All those physical responses are triggered by the same warning system that set off your feelings of fear. You can’t control those feelings or the initial physical response, but if you see that the dog is on a leash, chained to a stake in the ground, or just a poodle with a big-dog bark, you can manage your response to the emotions accordingly.

Often you do this without thinking about it. You take a deep breath and get your breathing under control, slowing it down, which helps your heart rate slow down too. Maybe you laugh at yourself for being so frightened since we often use humor to release stress. You might even shout out, “Phew! That pit bull scared me.”

Do you see what’s happening here? When you realize the dog is not a serious and immediate threat, you recognize your emotions as invalid and adjust your response! It’s a very natural process, and you can do the same thing when confronted by a bully—even if the bully does pose a threat. You have that power, and it’s a good one to use.

Later in the book, I’ll offer guidance on several ways to respond to bullies and which ways may be best for you in particular. For now, I want to give you the gift of emotional awareness
and the power to choose your physical responses to your emotions.

T
HE
S
PACE
B
ETWEEN
F
EELING AND
A
CTING

Emotions are natural and you feel what you feel. But the quality of your life is greatly affected by the choices you make in responding to your feelings. You see, a space, a time interval, and an opportunity lie between the point at which you feel something and the point at which you act on that feeling.