Stand Strong: You Can Overcome Bullying (and Other Stuff That Keeps You Down) (19 page)

If the bully attempts to push or drag you away from other people or into a vehicle, do your best to make as much noise as possible while resisting physically. Tell the bully to stop. If the bully doesn’t listen, then yell “STOP!” as loudly as you can and try to get the attention of people around you.

It may be time to fight back if the bully continues to hold on to you. You might also fall down on the ground, grab a pole or a fence, and scream for help if you feel you’re in danger of the bully dragging you off. Kicking, biting, scratching, and gouging are last-ditch self-defense moves if you feel you are under attack and in serious danger. If you have pepper spray, wasp spray, or a similar self-defense repellent and know how to use it, this would be the time.

Y
OUR
P
ERSONAL
S
TRATEGIES

I wish there was one perfect plan for dealing with all bullies. Maybe we’ll have an antibully lightsaber one day. Until then, only you and your parents or trusted advisors can help you
figure out what you are comfortable with and the best responses for your particular situation. Some bullies are very aggressive and will escalate their attacks if you challenge them or try to reason with them. Others may back down, leave you alone, or sneak up on you at another time. You have to read them carefully, and then there is the fact that some are just unpredictable.

All you can really do is try to plan for each possible scenario so that you are prepared for whatever comes. I know I’ve said this before—probably several times—but please make sure you let an adult you trust know that there is a bully on your tail. Tell the adult who the bully is, the nature of the bullying, and where it occurs. If something happens, you want to have someone who can help your family find you. Again, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

To help you figure out how to best respond to your bully, I’ve prepared some questions that you can think about and answer in a journal or on separate sheets of paper. By thinking through your responses now, you will be calmer and more confident if a confrontation occurs. And even better, you’ll have a plan to hightail it out of there.

Here are some things to consider for your beat-the-bully strategy:

Y
OUR
R
ESPONSE
O
PTIONS

Another important thing to think about before your nemesis comes stalking you is what you should and shouldn’t say in response to cruel taunts or comments. Again, this is very much a matter of personal preference based on your comfort level. If
you are quick witted and a fast sprinter, you may be comfortable making wisecracks and jokes or even slamming the bully with your own teasing and taunts.

If that’s the tactic you want to use, I hope you can run like the wind, or at least faster than the bully. (I have a fast wheelchair; you can borrow it if you’d like. No wheelies though!)

It might be helpful for you to identify just what type of bully you are dealing with before planning your response. Here are some options for specific types of bullies.

T
HE
U
NINTENTIONAL OR
N
ONHOSTILE
B
ULLY

One of the weird things that comes with the Nick Vujicic No Arms, No Legs Appearance Package is that certain people will say hurtful things to me because they don’t know how else to respond to me. They don’t mean to be hurtful; they just say the first thing that pops into their heads, make a dumb joke, or say something that they think is only gentle teasing but is really more hurtful than that.

Remember when you were little and you “liked” someone in your class so you pinched that person or threw a ball at them or knocked them down on the playground? Well, that’s sort of what happens to me
all
the time. When I was younger, it really knotted my knickers sometimes that people could be so insensitive, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to understand that
some people are just awkward or lack basic social skills when it comes to relating to someone with a disability. It’s also true that I often tell jokes about being “armless but not harmless” and make other wisecracks at my own expense, so people sometimes try to come up with their own versions. They don’t mean to be mean, but it comes across that way.

The same can be true of certain bullies. Some are not malicious people bent on ruining your life—even though that’s what they seem to be doing. In some cases, classmates or acquaintances may think they are being funny or “just teasing” you, but it’s more hurtful than they realize.

Even stranger, sometimes a person who wants to get to know you better will tease you or make rude comments just to get your attention. If you think that could be what’s going on with your bully, then try to show the person that your feelings are being hurt. Asking the bully to stop making rude comments worked for me once or twice, but be aware that bullies with a heart or a conscience are fairly rare. If your bully is truly mean as a snake, the response you get may be, “You think I
care
that I hurt your feelings,
you fool
!”

Hopefully your bully isn’t a sociopath. Here are a few suggested phrases that might hit home if your antagonistic bully has any heart at all:

T
HE
H
OSTILE
B
ULLY

If your bully’s role model is the serial killer on television’s
Dexter
or the murderous dude from all of those
Halloween
movies, you probably won’t have much luck appealing to the person’s
conscience. In fact, you’ll want to say something that will allow you to get away as fast as you can. If the seriously hostile bully comes after you, here are some basic nonconfrontational, passive phrases to use as you make a hasty retreat:

It can be helpful to let the bully think friends are waiting for you and they would come looking for you if the bully caused problems, so mentioning something along those lines is recommended if you are dealing with a serious threat.

T
HE
S
OCIAL
B
ULLY

If your bully is one of those mean girl or mean guy bullies whose preferred form of torture is trying to exclude you or to convince others to shun you by spreading rumors or lies about you, there is probably less risk of the bully turning violent. But you can probably expect your bully to resist if you attempt to
join the bully’s social circle. The social bully may have convinced others to shun you too. It’s sad, but the pack mentality can be tough to overcome.

My suggestion is not to beat your head against that wall. Instead, I’d recommend that you try getting to know the members of this crowd individually and win their acceptance one by one—or maybe just look somewhere else for friends. The “in crowd” or the “popular kids” may not be all that nice when you get to know them. You might discover that they really aren’t much fun to be around as individuals or collectively.

I made the mistake of trying to fit in with a crowd when I was a teen. Even when they sort of accepted me, there was still something awkward about it. Okay, that something was me! I was awkward because I was not acting like myself. Don’t make that mistake. Don’t give up who you are just to fit in. Instead, find friends who accept the real you.

The best bet is usually to find your own friends naturally, by being yourself and letting people discover the wonder of you. Look for those who share your interests and have compatible personalities. It’s a lot more fun to hang out with people who
accept you rather than always trying to fit in with people who are constantly judging you.

I’ll never forget the teenage girl who stood up during one of my first speeches and asked if she could come hug me. Then as she gave me a hug, she whispered in my ear, “Thank you. No one has ever told me that I am beautiful before.” Oh man, I nearly lost it! So sad!

We all have insecurities. We all want to be accepted. If you’ve been struggling, just know that it will get better. The teen years are the toughest. I promise. You will find a much more welcoming world out there than the one you may have known in high school. In fact, over the years you may even discover that the social cliques from high school break up and you become better friends with your former classmates as adults.

The reason so many people struggle with loneliness and feel that they don’t fit in during the teen years is—this may sound a little strange—because so many people are struggling and feeling like they don’t fit in during their teen years.

Insecurity runs rampant for teens. When all the people around you are trying to figure out who they are and struggling for acceptance, it creates this crazy environment where nearly everyone is fighting for social survival. As a result, there are very few people with the confidence just to say, “I love everybody and everybody can love me. And if you don’t love me, well, that’s your loss!”

Don’t you wish you could feel that way? Well, you can! And you might be amazed at what happens when you accept yourself and let others discover just how wonderful you are. One of my friends has a teenage daughter named Jeannie who had a very difficult time after moving to a new town and a new school. She’d grown up in a smaller town where she’d had many friends. She didn’t know anyone in the new and much bigger high school.

Her father told me it broke his heart when Jeannie came home from her first day at the new school and said she’d eaten lunch all by herself and cried because she felt so alone. There was a group of girls who seemed to be a lot of fun, but whenever one of them wanted to invite Jeannie to a birthday party or a dance, a girl named Laurie said she didn’t like Jeannie. Laurie was a bully. She was a pretty girl, but she saw Jeannie as competition because the boys were beginning to notice her. She also didn’t like the fact that Jeannie was a really good singer and the choir director had praised her instead of Laurie.

Jeannie was hurt at first. She cried a lot about being shunned by Laurie and her crowd. But then she did something very brave. She decided that her parents were right when they said she should just let other kids figure out how cool and fun she really was. So Jeannie stopped trying to fit in with Laurie’s crowd. Instead, she was just her usual friendly, fun self. She relaxed.