Stand Strong: You Can Overcome Bullying (and Other Stuff That Keeps You Down) (18 page)

Three bullying experiences stand out as the worst in my life so far. The first was in grade school when a bully who wanted to beat me up pushed me into an epic playground battle. It ended when I surprised him—and myself—with a leaping headbutt that bloodied his nose and sent him fleeing from my life forever.

The second major bully encounter, which I mentioned earlier in this book, was in high school when an older classmate kept yelling the same crude thing at me every day in the hallway until I finally told him he was hurting me and asked him to stop.

The third was the most recent incident. My wife and I were staying at a nice hotel and enjoying the pool when a drunk walked by and made stupid and crass comments about my body. I just ignored him until he stumbled back into the hotel.

Each one of those incidents was hurtful. The first two stressed me out because the intimidation went on for what
seemed like a long time. I still feel a little queasy when I recall how those first two bullies got inside my head. The third incident was over more quickly, but the fact that it happened in front of my new wife was embarrassing.

In looking back at each of those incidents, my response to bullying was different in each of them.

The first time, I allowed the bully to lure me into a fight.

The second time, I ignored the taunts for a while but finally confronted the bully verbally.

The third time, I just ignored the bully until he went away.

Honestly, I really didn’t have a prepared strategy in any of those instances. I winged it, and fortunately it worked out. Each bullying situation we face is somewhat unique, and as I said earlier in this book, there is no single perfect way to deal one-on-one with bullies. My advice is to always avoid a fight if you can help it.

In my only fight with a bully, I escaped serious injury only out of dumb luck. I shudder to think what could have happened if he had been more violent or if he’d had a weapon. Even though we were very young, fights can escalate into deadly violence at any age. I know of several young people
who have died in fights; some of them were killed by just one punch. So please do your best to stay out of fights with bullies.

If you have to protect yourself, there are ways to do that too. So far I’ve tried to give you a solid foundation for dealing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually with bullying. Now I want to get down to the nitty-gritty on what to do if you are confronted. There may come a time when you are face to face with a bully intent on causing you physical or emotional harm. So it’s best to be prepared.

To protect yourself, I recommend creating a bully defense strategy that will help you remain calm and handle the situation as best as possible. Before we look at creating your personalized strategy for dealing with bullies, please review and read through the following Bully Defense System statement that reflects the material we’ve covered so far.

T
HE
B
ASICS OF A
B
ULLY
D
EFENSE

You should feel confident, secure, strong, supported, and balanced as you read the Bully Defense System statement. When you truly believe it, you really are well equipped to deal with bullies. Now let’s look at how you can respond to them as wisely and safely as possible.

How you respond to a confrontation with a bully depends on many factors, including your comfort levels with physical
and verbal responses, whether you’ve had self-defense training, whether you or the bully have friends present, whether you can get help or reach safety quickly, and other variables.

For example, if a bully threatens to beat you up in an alley with no one else around, your response would need to be a lot different than if the threat came in a school hallway with teachers, administrators, and other potential allies nearby.

Still, there are a few basic rules that apply to any bullying confrontation, so let’s look at them first. These are rules you can follow and steps you can take to prepare yourself if you think a confrontation is coming, so that you can act wisely and in a safe manner.

B
ULLY
D
EFENSE
S
TRATEGIES

1. Assess the Situation

Before anything happens, consider whether the bully is a physical threat or just trying to scare or hurt you. It’s best not to overreact, but it’s better to overreact than to not be careful enough. If you know this bully is capable of causing you serious physical harm, you should talk to an adult, whether it’s a parent, relative, teacher, coach, minister, or police officer. If you are certain that this bully just wants to embarrass you or harass you, it still would be a good idea to let an adult know you are having this problem, but you should also prepare yourself to
stand tall and let the words bounce off you. Remember, you have a safety zone where you can go mentally and emotionally to be out of reach of hurtful words.

2. Call in Your Backup

If you think a bully plans to confront you at school, on the street, at a game or some other event, tell your parents and at least one other adult in a position to help you. You should also tell your friends. There is no glory in going it alone. If it is possible to always have at least one other person with you, try to do that. The people who care about you want to be there for you. Even if they can’t be there when the bully confronts you, it is important to let them know that you feel threatened and to tell them who your bully is.

3. Stay Chill

Easier said than done, I know. If you think a confrontation is coming, read through your Bully Defense System statement a couple of times a day to build your confidence. Take some time to go through the scenarios of what might happen so you are mentally and emotionally prepared in the same way an athlete prepares for a game or match. Again, do your best to keep friends and supporters close.

If the bully confronts you, one of the best ways to stay calm is to control your breathing, taking longer breaths and slowly
releasing them. If you’ve heard this bully’s taunts before, try to take the sting out of them by picturing his words bouncing off you. They are only words after all. Sticks and stones, right? They only have the power to hurt if you allow that to happen. You have the power to just ignore them.

Your best first move might be to make no move at all. Ignore the bully’s words. You should look at your antagonist, but don’t get into a staring contest. Instead, acknowledge the bully and just keep walking. Most bullies thrive on getting a reaction that brings attention to them and feeds their egos. If you refuse to play that game, the bully might just decide you aren’t worth picking on.

4. Tap into Your Faith and God’s Strength

It’s always good to have someone known as the almighty Lord watching your back. You are a child of God, and He will guide you through your battles. Draw upon His love.

5. Stand Tall

Bullies are less inclined to pick on someone who appears confident, so even if you don’t feel that way inside, do your best to
project that image on the outside without being cocky or aggressive. You can do this by looking at the bully, keeping your shoulders square and your chest back. When a bully taunts you, do not show emotion if you can help it. Many bullies will give up if they can’t provoke a strong reaction to their nastiness.

6. Know Your Battleground

Train yourself to look around and assess the scene where a bully confronts you. Check to see whether the bully has friends nearby, whether there is anything you can use to defend yourself if you have no other choice. During your encounter with the bully, stay alert and be aware of changes in the bully’s mood, tone of voice, and body language. If the bully grows more aggressive and moves toward you, be ready to walk or run away, call for help, or defend yourself.

Map out possible escape routes. Look around to see whether there is anyone nearby who might help you. Don’t be afraid to ask strangers for help as a last resort. You can also just go stand by an adult to discourage the bully from attacking you. If you have a cell phone, make sure you program into it a quick-dial code for an emergency number for friends, family, or the authorities.

7. Respect the Bully

Sounds crazy, right? Some people become bullies to mask their insecurities and low self-esteem, so insulting them or putting
them down may only turn a bad situation worse. As difficult as it may be, try to treat the bully with respect even if you aren’t getting any in return. The bully’s mood may be out of your control, but you don’t want to add fuel to the flames.

8. Stay Out of Reach

The Bible offers some wise advice on bully avoidance in Proverbs 4:14–16, which says, “Do not enter the path of the wicked, and do not walk in the way of the evil. Avoid it; do not go on it; turn away from it and pass on. For they cannot sleep unless they have done wrong; they are robbed of sleep unless they have made someone stumble.”

Hard to improve on that bit of ancient wisdom, right? It may seem obvious, but you should try not to go anyplace where your bully can confront you alone. If there is a playground or shopping mall or some other place your bully frequents, stay away. If your bully is confronting you at school or someplace else where you have to be, please try to keep as much distance between you and the bully as possible, especially if there is no one else around to help you.

Self-defense experts advise staying at least two or three steps out of reach. I advise you to stay two or three miles away if possible! You don’t want to make it easy for the bully to grab you or to get in your face verbally. If the bully tries to close the distance, you have the options of retreating at a brisk walk—don’t
run if you can help it—or you can ask respectfully for the bully to stay back. If you walk or run away, make sure to keep checking to make sure the bully is not pursuing you.

9. Do Not Allow the Bully to Get You Alone or Take You Away from Others