Starting Fires (18 page)

The clock on the wall said 5:45. We would be going to dinner soon, and then out to some of the local bars. He lay down on the bed and patted the spot next to him. Feeling nervous for no real reason, I climbed up next to him. His hand went to my waist and pushed my shirt up so he could caress my bare skin. “You like it so far?”

“It’s wonderful.” I sighed. “I’m so glad you brought me.” My phone dinged and I pulled it out of my pocket. It was text message from a number I didn’t recognize.

“Everything okay?” he asked.

I realized that my face was contorted into a look of confusion and repulsion. “Yeah. It’s Fontenot. Nicole told him I was in New Orleans. He wants to know if I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“Huh,” he said, rolling over to his back and crossing his arms behind his head.

“I wonder why he wants to know.” My fingers hovered over the keyboard as I tried to decide if I would reply.

“Why don’t you ask him?” Lucas shrugged then got off the bed and walked into the living room, leaving me behind.

At dinner, he hardly spoke to me, but didn’t pull away from my hand at his leg and even draped his arm around the back of my chair. Something was bothering him and I knew it had to be Fontenot. I didn’t want him to think that anything was going on between of us. I hadn’t even given him my number. Nicole had—which was totally shitty. Why would she do that? Giving my number out to someone without asking?

While we ate, I confronted her through text. Apparently, he’d also somehow gotten her number, and she’d been dealing with him for a week. She felt like it was someone else’s turn. If I hadn’t been involved with Lucas, I probably wouldn’t have cared too much. Nothing was particularly wrong with him. He just came on a little too strong. Very sarcastically, I thanked her.

After we paid the check, we went to an awesome karaoke bar called Cat’s Meow. I didn’t sing on the stage, but enjoyed belting it out along with the crowd. Wally and Lacey were with me, but I didn’t know where the others had wandered off.

It was so much fun, I could have stayed there all night, but Wally wanted to show us other places. Out on the street, I saw Lucas, Ian, and Charles huddled with a group of girls. They were all laughing, and I wanted to walk over and plant a kiss on his lips to show that I’d claimed him. Instead, I put on a fake smile and followed Wally.

The girls were clearly inebriated and stumbling into everyone, using arms for support, and cackling like everything said was the most hilarious thing they’d ever heard. I eyed their low cut tops and short skirts. I scrutinized their smeared mascara and bleached highlights. I analyzed their chipped fingernails and bony legs. And still, a small part of me, found myself lacking, but I pushed it away.

The random girls wanted to go to another bar up the street owned by some celebrity and everyone seemed okay with it—especially Wally. He was practically foaming at the mouth to hang out with them. Lacey shrugged and followed them. Not enthusiastic about it, but not wanting to be a party pooper, I fell in behind and looked at the bars we passed. Signs were posted outside some that said “LIVE SEX!” in big, bold, black letters and I wondered what type of people were in there performing. By the state of the buildings, I couldn’t imagine them being professionals.

Ahead of me, I saw Lucas make a wide turn away from the group and come around the back to grab my arm. Without saying anything, he began leading me in the other direction. “I’ve got something else in mind for us,” he told me with a wink. For a moment, I thought he was going to lead me into one of the sex buildings and had a mini panic attack, but we walked past it and I relaxed.

The loud voices and thumping music of Bourbon Street left us. Taking its place was the gentle rhythm of jazz and guitars spilling out of bars.

“This is Frenchman,” he told me. “You’ll like it.” I smiled as he took my hand and led me to a bar. The stage inside had a bearded man playing an acoustic guitar. A woman sat behind him with a violin, and I swallowed the emotions I felt at hearing the strings fill the room. His voice was both raspy and smooth, small imperfections lingering every time his voice strained. With his eyes closed, he sang, his fingers moving along the neck with a practiced ease. Every time his face contorted passionately with a lyric, I could feel his heartache as if it were my own. My eyes didn’t leave him as Lucas led me to a small table. “He’s good isn’t he?” he smiled. My answer was a huffed vibration of lips. He was better than good.

Lucas left to get us beers and when he returned, we quietly sipped them as the man on stage performed. We didn’t even speak to each other—our joined hands the only contact we needed as we became lost in the music. Occasionally, he would give my hand a squeeze when he noticed me really appreciating the soulful rhythms, and I would turn to him and smile.

After the set was done, Lucas led me back outside. It was late and we decided we should probably meet up with everyone else. As we walked, he took my hand. “Thank you for taking me here,” I said. “I know your bar is busy, and it was hard for you to get away.”

His thumb started moving against my skin as he said, “Don’t worry about it. I’ve wanted to bring you for a while. So thank
you
for letting me.” His smile made me feel warm, and I reached my other hand across my body to wrap it around his arm. We walked like that until we found everyone else. Wally and Charles weren’t ready to leave, so we took his key and went back to the apartment with Ian and Lacey.

Later, as I was about to get in bed, I felt anxious. This was a completely new level of intimacy for us. Countless times, he’d seen me naked, but I still felt the need to put my back to him as I changed into pajamas. When I turned around, he was shirtless and only wearing his boxers. Without a hesitation, he pulled the covers back and got in. His sparrow tattoo faced me, and to distract myself I started counting the number of birds. I reached five when he stretched his arm out to me.

Smiling, I scooted across the bed and hugged my arms around his torso. The last thing I felt before falling asleep was the gentle press of his lips to the top of my head.

The next morning, Lucas wasn’t in bed when I woke, and I was disappointed. But we were in a hurry to leave so Ian could be home for something, and I didn’t have time to dwell on it. On the way back, I sat next to Lucas in the front. Music was playing on the radio and after a while, I started softly singing along with it.

Wally groaned in the backseat. “Marlowe, shut your tone deaf ass up. That shit ain’t helping this hangover.” I scowled at him over my shoulder. He was so rude! Seeing my glare only made his mouth slowly spread into a grin.

“She has a beautiful voice,” Lucas cut in.

“Please,” Wally added. “You have to say that. She’s your… your…” I tensed as I anticipated him saying something else embarrassing. “… your whatever,” he finished and I relaxed.

Lucas chuckled and I leaned into his arm. I could be his whatever. When I put my hand on his thigh, he brought his down on top of mine and threaded our fingers. I smiled, realizing I didn’t care if anyone saw it.

 

Chapter 16

A
few days before
Christmas, Juanita called saying that she and my father had plans for the holidays—so again, I would be alone. Thanksgiving hadn’t been horrible, but I knew Christmas would be. My mother and sister had died two days before it. For the past seven years, a cloud had hung over those days. Before I met Mark, I didn’t leave my room for the entire week. After we started dating, he initially went out of his way to make sure we stayed busy and filled my days with happy memories. But as time went on, he stopped. Without saying it, I knew he thought that I should be moving on. And I
had
tried. I wasn’t curling into a ball or crying in a corner. I was just sad—sad because I knew I’d never see them again. Sad because they were lost to me. Sad because I’d never give my sister another present. Or receive one from my mom.

My mother always gave me useless gifts—things that I’d never asked for or would even use. Not because she didn’t care. She would get so excited as I opened them, thinking that I was going to love whatever was inside. One year she gave me skis because I’d told her I liked a documentary about the sport, but had never set foot on a ski slope. One year it was an entire line of perfume from a shop I’d told her looked nice from the outside. She thought she was getting me the perfect gift. After a few failed attempts, the skis collected dust in our attic, and the perfume smelled like rubbing alcohol. Now that she was gone, I missed that the most. Useless gifts at Christmas.

On the anniversary of their death, Charles asked if I wanted to do anything special to remember them. I didn’t know. Part of me wanted to act as if it was any other day. The other part couldn’t think of anything worthy of their remembrance.

We settled for having a small fire at dusk. It was only the two of us in the backyard, silent as we watched the flames slowly burn the wood. As the last bits of ember were going out, I realized that tears were streaming down my face, and didn’t know how long I’d been crying. Maybe the entire time. I didn’t ask. And Charles didn’t mention it.

The next day, I was in the kitchen with all four of the guys. Wally had made dinner to celebrate his final jump for his next skydiving license. I hadn’t even known he was attempting it. His food was some type of casserole and was delicious. He’d looked so proud as he pulled it out of the oven. Even if it hadn’t been good, I wouldn’t have said anything.

“You coming with me to my mom and dad’s for Christmas, Bird?” Charles asked as we ate.

I hadn’t expected him to offer and it caught me off guard. “Are your brothers going to be there?”

“Just Gus. He’s bringing his kids. Mom and dad wouldn’t mind.”

The idea made me uncomfortable, but it would be better than being at home alone all day since Wally had plans, too. “Let me think about it,” I said.

Later, Lucas and I were in my room. I was naked and under the covers, watching him put on his jeans. As he fastened them, I admired his bare stomach and chest. His eyes cut to me and he gave me an amused smile. Not caring that he knew I thought he was gorgeous, I sighed and nestled my head into my pillow.

“You know,” he said. “You could come with
me
to my parent’s for Christmas. They wouldn’t mind.” My body tensed. I definitely hadn’t expected
him
to offer.

He laughed and moved to lie next to me. “Get that freaked out look off your face. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. You’ve already met my dad and sister. They like you. My mom will too, and she wouldn’t want me to let a friend be alone on Christmas.”

Friend. This was more about taking pity on me than a declaration of something more serious. I didn’t like that either. This sucked. Everyone felt like they had to take care of me because I was going to be all alone again. My dad was such an ass. I wouldn’t be dealing with this if he’d kept our plans. Sighing, I rolled to my back and looked at the ceiling, unsure if it was a good idea.

Lucas put his hand on my stomach and leaned a little closer to me. “If that makes you uncomfortable, I get it.” My eyes went to his. He was waiting for me to reply. I wasn’t sure what to do here. Would it be better to go with Charles or Lucas? Which awkwardness would I rather suffer? When he started rubbing my stomach, I realized I wanted to go with him—not because I thought it would be less uncomfortable, I knew it would be more. But because I wanted to spend time with him.

“Do you want me to go?” I asked.

After a few seconds of silence, he swallowed and said, “Yes.”

“Okay. I will.”

Christmas morning I stood in my closet obsessing over what to wear again, worried about what his mom would think of me. With ten minutes to spare, I huffed and pulled some jeans and a button up top off their hangers. It wasn’t dressy by any means, but I was tired of staring at my clothes.

The entire ride to his parents I was incredibly nervous and let Lucas do the talking. He told me that his family was glad to have me over. He mentioned having to hire a new bartender because Kate was having personal problems and Tammy was “
unreliable as shit.
” He said that his sister knew someone who worked at an accounting firm in the area and could probably get me an internship. I was too busy freaking out to hear anything else. Was it okay for me to be affectionate with him in front of them? What if they asked if I was his girlfriend? What did I say? Were they going to ask me about my family and why I wasn’t with them? I didn’t want to talk about them. Lucas must have sensed my nervousness, because he fell silent.

Thirty minutes later, we pulled into his parents’ driveway. Their house had a big porch that spread across the entire length with plants hanging from its ceiling. It was set back from the road, and I could see a Christmas tree in the front window, its lights blinking.

As I got out of the car, I wiped my sweaty hands along my pants. The knot in my throat grew with every forward step. Once we reached the porch, the front door flew open and a woman walked out. She was a little heavy-set, and had on an apron. Her hair was slightly curly and pulled back into a bun. With big, bright eyes, she came towards us.

“You must be Marlowe!” she said, wrapping me in a hug. “It’s so good to finally meet you.” Her arm came around my shoulder as she led me into the house. “Mia and William have told me so much about you. I’m Helen, Lucas’ mom. Now, darling, you’ll have to forgive the mess.” The house was spotless. “William had some of his buddies over last night and they tore through here like… William!” She let me go and walked to the end of a hallway. “William! Mia! Lucas and Marlowe are here!”

“Who cares?” I heard Mia yell from down the hall.

“Mia Lucille! Stop showing your butt and get in here this instant.” Mia groaned dramatically, but did as she was told. Over my shoulder, Lucas was leaning against the couch, smiling at me.

Mia came in, looking incredibly put out. “Hey Lucas. Hey Marlowe,” she said, plopping down onto a love seat.

“Hey,” I said.

His dad came in next, wearing a big grin. “Marlowe! Nice to see you again.” He gave me a side hug, squeezing my shoulders. “Lucas isn’t giving you any trouble is he?” I laughed like a nervous idiot. “He better not be,” he said, throwing the words in his direction.

When he let me go to talk his son, his mother came back to me. “Now, it’s early. We usually have a light Christmas lunch and then a big dinner. Have you eaten yet?” I shook my head. She pursed her lips, moving her head from side to side. “That boy. He knew we wouldn’t be eating ‘til later. Come on, sweetie. I’ll get you something to hold you over.” Steadily talking, she pulled some eggs out of the fridge. “Mia tells me that you’re from New York. I’ve never been myself, but I hear that it’s a beautiful place. Especially at Christmas time. Scrambled or Fried?”

“Whatever’s easiest,” I said.

She started scrambling them as she continued. “I have a cousin who went up there a few years back. He seemed to really like it. People always talk about how rude everyone in New York can be, but he said they were all really nice. And you’re nice. So I guess that proves that you shouldn’t listen to what
people
say. I haven’t really had the chance to travel much, but if I could I think I’d like to see it at least once.” She pulled a plate out, and dumped the eggs onto it. After grabbing a fork, she led me over to a stool by their bar. “Eat up, sweetie.” I received a kind pat on the back before she walked off.

Honestly, I wasn’t even hungry. Breakfast wasn’t usually a meal I indulged in. I’m sure whatever she had planned would fill me up just fine. But not wanting to be rude, I took a bite.

As I chewed, I processed everything that had happened since I walked in the door. I’d barely spoken and they were pulling me into their family as if it wasn’t a big deal at all. They even seemed excited to see me. Warmth flowed through me as I realized I’d never felt more welcome in a foreign place.

Lucas walked in and leaned against the counter. He took the fork out of my hand, and helped himself. “She didn’t ask if I was hungry,” he said around a mouthful of food. “I didn’t eat anything either.”

“Well, I guess she thought you should know better,” I smiled and jerked the fork back. We were both grinning at each other when his mom popped her head in.

“We’re going to be opening presents soon,” she said.

“Alright. Be there in a bit,” Lucas said. Just before she ducked out of the room, a heartfelt smile passed over her face as she eyed us, and I wondered what she’d been told about our relationship.

After the eggs were consumed, I followed him into the living room. It made me a little uncomfortable when they started handing out presents. This felt like something private. It must feel weird to have a stranger in your home on Christmas morning—especially since I would just be sitting here, watching them while they opened their gifts.

As Mia continued passing out presents from under the tree, Lucas handed me a small box. The tag said ‘
For: Marzy.’
My finger rubbed along it. “But I didn’t get you anything,” I said quietly.

He shrugged. “I saw it the other day and thought you might like it.”

While I was trying to decide how this made me feel, Mia dropped three more boxes into my lap. “Merry Christmas, Marlowe,” she smiled.

This was a little overwhelming, and I felt embarrassed that I hadn’t even considered getting them anything. In my pathetic defense, I hadn’t thought that they would have considered it either. They didn’t even know me, and I was freeloading on their Christmas. “I… I wish I’d known. I would have –”

“Don’t you fret about it, darling,” his mother said. “You don’t give gifts on Christmas just so you can receive them. Now open up.”

Since I was still holding Lucas’ gift, I started with that one. Inside the small box was a thick ring that fit on my middle finger. The band was silver and had black Celtic etchings engraved into it. It was beautiful, and exactly the type of thing I would wear. He had to have surveyed my jewelry collection. As I went to thank him, I noticed that everyone was staring at us, but as I looked at them, immediately began opening their presents.

“I love it,” I whispered.

He rubbed his mouth to hide a smile. “Good,” he said through his fingers. Biting my lip, I gave the ring a rub before I went to open the next one. It was from Mia. She’d given me a gift card to a shoe store. I thanked her and thought about what I would buy. My sneakers were ratty. A new pair would be awesome.

His father gave me a high-powered flashlight. When he saw me holding it, he said, “Everyone can use a flashlight, especially in their car. I bet you don’t have one in there do you?” Smiling, I shook my head. “Girls these days,” he continued, looking disappointed. “Promise me you’ll put that in there. Never know when you’ll need it. Mia here has two.” She looked at me and nodded her head, cutting her eyes to her dad, telling me that it was all his idea.

“I promise,” I said and would.

As I opened the last present, the one that I assumed was from his mother, I realized that
family
had a sound. It was the genuine laughter and open conversation. The familiar way you talked to one another. The playful ribbing and joking. And in this moment, I was overcome with it. It permeated all my senses, and made me long to have my own back.

I lifted the lid and a new wave of emotion overcame me. Inside was a scarf. I never wore scarves. Ever. They cut me at the neck and made me feel like someone was trying to hang me. I was constantly pushing them out of my way, and never felt that I successfully pulled the look off. Maybe I just never wore them right. The scarf itself was lovely, but I still knew that I would never put it on. It was useless. Just like the gifts from my own mother. Completely useless.

It was so easy to imagine that my mother had been the one to give me this. The material was between my fingers, and I rubbed it gingerly. All of it became too much for me.

“You okay?” Lucas whispered.

My eyes felt hot and I knew that tears were pooling in them. Trying to smile, I looked at him. “I’m fine,” I choked out. “Excuse me for just a second.”

Not wanting to break down in their living room, I went for the hallway and spotted a bathroom. I ducked in and shut the door behind me. A minute or two had passed when there was a knock on the door. I took a breath and wiped under my eyes. “Be out in a minute,” I said, sounding strained.

“It’s me,” I heard Lucas say on the other side. “Mind if I come in?”

I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to see me like this. Or explain to him
why
I was like this. But I also didn’t want to be alone. Decision made, I unlocked the door, and he slowly opened it, slipping in. Before he had a chance to say anything, I wrapped my arms around him and cried into his chest. He leaned up against the door and held me, gently rubbing my head and back.

“It’s okay,” he said.

I gave him a squeeze and looked up into his eyes. “I hate scarves,” I said though my tears. “I never wear them.”

Confused, he said, “Baby, you don’t have to,” with sincerity. It had to sound ridiculous. Why would any sane person be crying this badly about something so mundane? They wouldn’t.