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Chapter 17

Maggie

I’d been exhausted from my boxing class when
I got to work. That was something I refused to give up. It helped
me feel fearless. After grabbing a quick shower, Dean dropped me
off. I grabbed a bottle of water from behind the bar as music
filled the room, then got to work.

I hadn’t heard from Max since the two weeks I’d been
home. He hadn’t tried to call, so I took that as a sign he was
through with me. So many times I picked up my cell to reach out to
him, but then decided against it. He was probably better off
without me. I’d been horrible to him. But I was also infuriated
that he’d put me on the spot the way he had with his folks. I
couldn’t blame him for trying. It was just too much. I hadn’t even
told him I loved him and he was offering me everything. I had a
hard time making heads or tails of it.

But, I missed his friendship.

I wasn’t sure what it was about him, but as more
time passed, it became more obvious what he’d meant to me. Max had
filled the role as someone to lean on-to comfort me just as Jeremy,
Dean and Luke always had. He was the lifeline that kept me going
for those six months, although Max enjoyed some non-brotherly
bonuses. But that’s what it was. He took care of me, watched over
me like they would’ve done. And I felt horrible for letting him
take on that role. And I felt even more horrible for hurting and
letting down another good person secondary to my issues.

We were only intimate a few times and even though
they were great, it was only me trying to push forward, to forget
my past.

If only.

Part of me wanted to be with Max to see if there was
more than Luke out in the world for me. Could I ever love someone
as much as I loved him? Would it be different, feel different?
Could I really, truly move on from Luke? But Max wasn’t the one. I
knew that now.

“You’re almost empty, Maggie. Let me get you some
more,” Luke yelled out over the band playing in the background.
Shooters was busy tonight. Wall-to-wall people, here to listen to
the music.

Luke eyed my chest popping out of my shirt. “Stop
looking,” I warned.

He shrugged. “Well, at least it’s better than those
outfits in New York.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Yeah, whatever.”

He chuckled as I walked away with a tray full of
shots.

My feet were killing me in the heels they requested
we wear. At the end of the night, I plopped down, exhausted after
only my second night of work. I flicked my shoes onto the floor and
counted my tips. Luke strolled leisurely over, a smile on his face.
He grabbed the bar rag draped over his shoulder and started to
clean the area in front of me.

“How’d you do?”

“Pretty good. Enough to buy you a drink when we get
out of here.”

His eyebrows shot up, a genuine look of surprise on
his face. “You want to buy me a drink?”

“Sure,” I said, shrugging. “What are friends
for?”

Even though he frowned when I said the word
friends,
a small smile escaped a moment later.

Within forty-five minutes, we were across town at a
club that stayed open until the wee hours. It wasn’t someplace I’d
ever been, but had heard about from the boys. Luke had been quiet
the last few days when we were alone, almost like he was afraid to
say or do the wrong thing. Being around Dean and Jeremy seemed to
make it easier on him, but now he couldn’t escape. The thought of
getting him alone to talk about what had been going on with him was
causing butterflies to flutter like crazy in my stomach. I never
got nervous with Luke-ever-but I guess there was a first time for
everything.

He tugged on my hand and pulled me to a back booth.
I slipped onto the wooden bench and Luke slid in right next to me.
I shot him a look.

“Will you stop looking at me like that?” he said,
sounding wounded.

“What do you mean?”

“I know you better than anyone. At least I like to
think I do. You haven’t said one word since we left, you keep
chomping down on that damn bottom lip and your hand was clammy when
I grabbed it. What’s on your mind, Maggie?”

I felt myself blush. “Fine. You got me.” The
waitress appeared and we ordered some beers and nachos. Once she
walked away, Luke turned to face me. He made a gesture with his
hands that he wanted me to continue what I was saying before the
interruption. “I was just wondering how you were doing with
everything.”

He leaned his elbow on the table, eyebrows raised.
“And by everything, you mean what?”

“I mean me. Are you doing okay with me living with
you?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m not gonna lie-it sucks knowing
you’re in my bed, in my room, and I can’t touch you, but I’m
working on it. I promise.” The waitress dropped off out drinks.

I let out a quick breath. “You’ll tell me if you
change your mind?”

He took a sip and nodded.

An awkward silence had settled upon us when his
fingers wrapped around mine. “You don’t need to rip off the label.
Why are you so nervous?”

I hadn’t even realized I was ripping off the label,
piece by piece. His fingers slipped back to his bottle.

“I need to ask you something. And I really need you
to be honest with me.”

I turned to him. “Okay.”

“Why can’t you be with me? Are you still with him?”
I hadn’t brought up my time spent in New York, and he probably knew
I wouldn’t unless he came out and asked point blank.

I sunk down against the booth, tilting my head back.
“I don’t know. I mean I haven’t talked to him since. I’m sure he’s
just pissed off and needs to figure stuff out. I think it’s safe to
say it’s over. I feel horrible for hurting him.”

He took another long sip. “Okay. What about me?”

“You’re more complicated. We have so much history.
After the incident,” I paused, and I knew he understood that I
meant his near overdose, “I’m afraid to let you get close to me. I
can’t put you through that again. It was so horrible thinking about
it before I got home. I couldn’t catch my breath knowing you
could’ve been seriously hurt because of me.”

Incredulously, he asked, “What? Maggie, don’t worry
about me.”

I turned my head. I was afraid to look into his
green eyes. Whenever they washed over me they carried so much
warmth-as they did at that moment-I wanted to grab him before my
dang brain could get in the way. “Can you give me some time?”

Instead of kissing me like I could tell he wanted to
he stared into my eyes. “I got time, Maggie. But listen to me
first, okay? If you want to go back to Max or New York, then I want
that for you too. I just want you be happy, Blue. If that means
losing you-so be it.”

“Luke...”

He held up his hands in protest. “No. I promise I’ll
be fine. In fact, I decided to look into grad school. Maybe I’ll
even do some traveling like I’d always talked about. I was even
thinking of calling about the internship I lost out on.”

He leaned into me, pressing our foreheads together.
It took every ounce of strength to keep the promise I’d made
myself. I would not hurt him again. Especially after that
declaration. He kissed my nose quickly, and then sat straight as a
pin on the bench, like sitting next to me wasn’t fazing him one
bit. Inside, I was a pool of goo.

***

Jeremy and I had made plans to spend a few hours
together since we hadn’t had a ton of time to share with his job
and now mine. He opened his car door for me, and I hopped inside,
letting the smell of leather consume me. I always loved this car,
even though it was old. A pang of jealousy that I didn’t have my
own set of wheels danced around my mind, but it quickly went away
when he slid in, smiling.

Jeremy had always been the adoring brother. He was
always the one to come to my rescue, the one to pick me up from a
friend’s house late, to help me get through my first breakup. Even
though he wished I’d told him about my father, I was still glad I
hadn’t. I was happy that he had someone to idolize; even though my
folks weren’t the best for me, they were for him. Besides, I had
Jer to look up to. I didn’t need anyone else.

My mother tried, I think. When I was little. She had
her tender moments, at least until the day I told her about my
father. I had some fond memories growing up under her direction.
She taught me how to bake my first cake pop, mint brownies, the
correct way to apply eyeliner, ride a bike, and even how to do the
Macarena before the big eighth grade dance. I wasn’t sure why
Jeremy was their favorite-it sort of just happened. And I accepted
it.

“So, where are we going today?” I asked.

Jer gave me a quick glance and then focused back on
the road. “Don’t get mad, but I told Mom we’d stop by for brunch,
and then...don’t look at me like that, Mags,” he said after giving
me a sideway glance. “We’ll go do whatever you want after.”

“Didn’t she tell you?”

“What?” He came to a stoplight, and sighed. “Tell me
what?”

“I already saw her. Are you sure she wants to see
me?”

He patted my hand. “Yeah, she told me so.”

“You owe me for this.”

He chuckled. “You bet. So not to change the subject,
but what’s going on with you and Mr. New York?”

“That depends. Who wants to know?”

“What do you mean?”

“Who’s asking, you or Luke?”

“Am I that obvious?”

I leaned my head against the glass window. “Yeah. I
already told him that Max hasn’t contacted me. I’m giving him
breathing room, but it’s probably over.”

“That’s good, I guess,” he paused, but a second
later he said, “Where does that leave you and Luke?”

“It leaves us as friends, Jer. I can’t be that
person who hurts him again. Leave it alone.”

He reached over and kneaded my shoulder. “All right,
calm down. He’s my best friend and has been through a fucking lot
lately. He needs you more than anything right now. You know that,
right?”

“Gee, no pressure.”

By the time we got to our folks’ house, my nerves
were so tightly wound, I felt like I was going to throw up. Mom
greeted us at the front door. Well, actually she greeted Jeremy at
the front door.

“Oh, what a pleasant surprise. I didn’t know you
were bringing Maggie along.” The whole time she stared at Jer, only
giving a quick once-over.

“I thought it was about time. Plus, I have a few
things I want to clear up.”

I shot daggers at him. How could he lie to me? What
the hell was up his sleeve? “Stop it.”

He frowned, but shook me off.

“Mom, Maggie is working with Luke at the bar, but
she was thinking about going back to get her degree, since she
didn’t finish. I don’t know-I thought it sounded like a great idea.
How `bout you?”

My mom finally acknowledged me. “Oh, Maggie, are you
going back to school?”

“No, mom. Not exactly.” I glared at Jeremy for a
spilt second. “I can’t afford it right now. I’m trying to save some
to go.”

Jeremy slammed his fist onto the counter. “Well, why
not? I know you want that degree.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, infuriated at him. “Don’t
do this, Jer.”

“What’s wrong?” my mother asked. “Jeremy, why are
you so upset?”

Jeremy stared me down with a look of exasperation
and defeat, “Maggie can’t afford to finish, like she said, Mom. You
never gave her the opportunity you gave me. Dad’s gone now. I know
you could help financially with his pension and the will. And,
don’t give me any bullshit about how you thought he was a
saint.”

I gasped unable to get my bearings. “Jeremy, stop!
Now!” I yelled out, but he kept going.

“Is it true? Did she tell you years ago, Mom? Did
Maggie tell you what he did to her, and you did nothing to stop
him?”

My mom started to cry. Heavily. “Jeremy stop it this
instant. Don’t you dare do this to me,” I begged.

“Maggie, I’m putting everything on the table. Front
and center. I’ve been biting my tongue since I found you, and I
can’t do it anymore. I hate everything that’s happening. I lost
you. I almost lost Luke, and for what? Dad’s gone. He died. He got
the easy way out. But you, you are the one still standing, and I
love you so much for that. But she needs to understand and take
responsibility for what happened to you.”

I grabbed his arm and tried to pull him away, but he
resisted. “No, she doesn’t,” I said.

“Yes. She. Does,” he fumed.

“I don’t think you understand, Jeremy. Maggie came
to me when she was fifteen and told me her side. I asked your
father and he told me how she just misinterpreted his love. Your
dad was a police officer. His job was to protect people. I trusted
him. Everyone trusted him. He would never touch her like that-he
loved her. They had a nice relationship.” She turned to me.
“Maggie, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Daddy would
never.” She ran into her room, and Jeremy followed leaving me
behind.

Part of me knew she would still take his side. I
truly believe she knew something wasn’t right. It was all a hunch.
Even after spending time with her a few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure if
everything sank in where she was concerned. It was almost as if
nobody talked about it, it didn’t exist.

Sometime later, Jeremy came back downstairs to find
me curled up on the couch. Numerous times I thought about calling
Dean or Luke to come get me but decided against it. Jeremy kneeled
down in front of me. “It’s time to go home.”

“How could you have done this to me?”

“I’m sorry, Maggie. But of all the things he did
right for me, he did so many wrong to you. And I’ll never forgive
him for that. I can’t go on like this, Maggie. That woman upstairs
needs fucking help. She’s in serious denial.” He pulled me from the
couch and grabbed a key ring off the rack by the front door.

“What are you doing?”