Still Human (Just Human) (17 page)

Chapter Seventeen

Liv

You should really have a bath.

“You know, I was thinking,” Danny says from the doorway of the bathroom as I pull on my jeans in the bedroom. “You should really have a bath.”

I sniff my armpit sarcastically. “I just had a shower, what are you saying?” I laugh.

Danny laughs too, wrapping his arms around the bare skin across my stomach. “I mean, we should have a bath, not just a shower.” He pauses, I notice a faraway look in his eyes. “You’ve really needed one all this time you were getting better.” He frowns, like he has somehow failed me, by not providing me with this essential thing during my recovery. A recovery, he was forcibly absent for much of. The thought of our break-up still puts a dark cloud over me and I fight to shake it off before he notices.

“I assume a bath wouldn’t fit, that
’s why Connie never put one in.” I shrug. “I’m used to it.”

Danny glances back at the bathroom. “Would you let me look into it?”
he asks. He seems twitchy about something, I can’t see why having a bath is suddenly all important. But I do like the idea of him putting some of himself into the flat. More and more it’s becoming ‘our’ home, so if he wants a bath, I wouldn’t dream of stopping him. A smile plays on his lips for a second and then his attention comes back to me, waiting for an answer.

“Sure.” I shrug again. “If you think it can be done, I would love to soak in a bath with you.” I twist in his arms and sigh with pleasure as his lips play on my neck.

Danny looks happy when I see him at his laptop in the garden later, content is probably a better description and he should be. I’ve come on nicely in the few weeks since I had the screw removed and things have settled down generally. He doesn’t seem to have any regrets about moving here and while I know he misses Jen especially, he is making a special effort to stay in touch and he’s really close to some of his new friends here. I occasionally marvel at how normal life is recently. After all the ups and downs of the last few months, it has taken no time at all for us to find a rhythm that suits us. We are better than ever now that we both know what went through the other’s heads all those years ago. I know for sure now that he did love me as much as I loved him and the value of knowing that is immense, almost worth the heartbreak and all those years apart. Without it we wouldn’t have what we have now.

I instinctively thumb across my ring. Looking at it
, I smile. I have him, this is all I need in life. Well, almost. Before this all started to go wrong, he wanted to start a family. I wonder where he stands on that now? It’s as if he never said it. Maybe so much has happened that he has reconsidered? My stomach tightens. I guess I’m not okay with that possibility. I just don’t want to disrupt anything by bringing it up. I know that he wants to be with me forever, but as far as his thoughts on babies...and marriage, which I can hardly even dare to think about…I’m clueless.

I shake my head. I should be happy with what I have, God knows it was hard won. I turn back inside and force myself to get back to work. We will talk about it when he
’s ready, I shouldn’t push things. I potter in the kitchen, humming along to the radio. This is okay. A happy, quiet life.

Danny makes me jump, slipping his arm around my waist and pressing his lips to the back of my neck. “
I’ve to go out,” he murmurs against my skin.

“Ok
ay,” I reply, sighing into his warmth. Then he withdraws quickly and I sag with disappointment.

“I won’t be long
,” he says as he hurries away.

I wonder why he looks so pleased with himself
.

A couple of hours later he
’s back carrying bags from the supermarket. He holds them up for me to see, so that I understand he’s cooking me dinner and I smile. ‘Seven,’ he mouths to me as I hand some change to my customer. I smile and nod, then he disappears up to the flat.

I waste no time following him up there when the evening staff arrive at six and the aroma of garlic finds me halfway up the stairs. I find Danny in the kitchen listening to music and cooking as he so often is these days. We eat downstairs during the day, but in the evenings now, more often than not he cooks. Sometimes I beat him to it, but he loves it and
I’ve no complaints. I know before I peer over his shoulder that we are having his legendary spaghetti and meatballs and as he turns to kiss me I notice the bottle of wine open beside him. I smirk, he is either trying to get me drunk, or force us to be more grown up so that we don’t embarrass ourselves in restaurants.

“It smells yummy.”

“Like you.” He grins, wrapping his arms around me.

“Me? I smell like stale coffee. I’m going to have a shower before dinner
,” I say, stepping away.

“I’ll be right there
,” he says, turning down the stove.

“I think I can manage.” I reply without thinking,
I’m doing fine now, so a shower shouldn’t be that unmanageable. His face falls, like he is thinking the time has finally come that I don’t need him anymore, just like he said it would. My heart melts for him. “But I don’t want to chance it, are you sure you don’t mind?”

His spirits lift straight away and he follows me into the bathroom.

“You can wipe that glum expression off your face. I still need you,” I tease as he helps me step into the shower. “And even if I don’t, I WANT you, which should count for more.”

“I know
,” he sighs, holding me tight under the stream of water.

When I come out of the bedroom all dressed in my favourite chilling clothes, my black trackies and Danny’s Guns ’n’ Roses t-shirt, Danny is setting the table wearing only his grey sweats. I stop dead and watch him leaning across the table. Oh. My. God! I don’t know what makes me weakest, the tattoos, the abs, his golden skin, the way his trousers hang low on his hips…it all does me in. Those grey sweats are such a turn on, he knows that. In fact I think he puts them on to guarantee he gets lucky. Although it’s me that
’s lucky and I’m lucky pretty much every day!

I approach him quietly and when he stands up straight, he presses into me. He tenses for a split second, surprised that I’m behind him, but he instantly relaxes as I run my fingers around his sides and over his abs. I kiss his bare shoulder then run my tongue up his neck to the place behind his ear that always makes him shiver. I smile when a sigh accompanies the ripple from his skin and he tilts his head, willing me to continue. So I spend some time on that sweet spot he loves.

“Was it the pants again?” he breathes.

“It’s everything.” I sigh against his skin.

He twists in my embrace and catches my face in his hands, staring into my eyes. “I love everything about you too.” He grins and then kisses me tenderly, leaving me grateful he is holding me up.

“I want you
,” I whisper.

He laughs. “You can have me later. It’s dinner time
,” he says and smacks my bum as he goes back into the kitchen, picking up his t-shirt from the back of the chair and slipping it over his head as he goes.

I slump. “How do you have so much self
-restraint?”

“I just know you’re worth the wait
,” he calls.

I shake my head, following him to collect the wine and some glasses.

Danny turns to face me holding our steaming bowls of pasta and stops.

“What?” I say.

He shakes his head. “Nothing.” He heads to the table.

“No, what?”

As soon as he’s put our food down he turns to face me, catching both my wrists in his hands. He holds them tight and leans forward until our faces are almost touching, holding my gaze for a moment before leaning in to kiss me. I inhale through my nose as the kiss deepens and sigh when he pulls away.

“Did you realise, you haven’t used your crutches since you have been home?”
he says.

I look at my feet, conscious, because I know he
’s really insecure about me not needing his help anymore. I actually feel guilty and have to stop myself apologising. When I look back up at him, he takes the wine out of my left hand and the glasses out of my right. “You’re getting better, at last.”

I nod. But he frowns. “You don’t seem pleased.”

“I am.” I sigh, sitting down.

“But?”

“But, I know you’re worried about it.”

“Liv!
I’m not worried about it!” He shakes his head. “Is that what you think? That I don’t want you to get better?”

“No, I…” I don’t really know what to say, because that is what I think.

“I’m so sorry if I gave you that impression. I want you better more than anything. I just enjoy showering with you and it has been nice being needed. But there is so much I want to do that I need you better for, please don’t think for a second that I would wish you a slow recovery.” He grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze.

“I’ve changed
,” I say quietly. “I like things the way they are now, I like you doing things to help me. I won’t suddenly stop wanting any of it.”

“I hope not. But even if you do, I will still be glad you
’re better.” He frowns again. “I can’t believe you would think that I wouldn’t.”

“I
’m sorry.”

“No! It’s my fault
. I obviously gave you that impression.” He curses himself.

This is going badly, I was so looking forward to dinner and a nice snuggle on the sofa, and now
I’ve cocked it all up and made him feel awful. I sigh heavily. What a disaster.

Danny starts to laugh. I look up at him in shock.

“Sorry,” he says covering his mouth with his hand. “It’s not funny, but we are such a disaster!” He laughs harder.

Even though I don’t really get it, I can’t help laughing too.

“I thought we were getting better at this, but we still both think the worst all the time. It’s funny.”

I laugh more once I understand.

“Just to be clear. I want you better, I NEED you better. I want to get on with our life and I want you to be one hundred percent to do that.” He takes my hand again, trying to look sincere as his laughter subsides.

I erupt now, I can’t help it. He looks at me confused. “Well then I should tell you that I haven’t needed my crutches for a week, in fact today I forgot to take one to work with me!” I laugh, hysterically now. “I didn’t want to upset you, I hoped you wouldn’t notice!”

Danny puts his face in his hands. “Oh my God! Look at us!” he mumbles from inside his hands, shaking his head.

“I know.” I giggle. “I’m really sorry.” I try to peel his fingers away from his face, but he holds firm.

“Why do we do this?” he says, finally looking at me.

“Do what exactly?”

“Assume the worst of each other.” He sighs, trying to pull himself together, so I do the same. “Old habits die hard I guess.”

I nod in agreement. It really is ridiculous, we need to stop this kind of thing from snowballing back into what we had before…doubt and insecurity. “Ok
ay, I’m stopping as of now,” I say decisively, then I tap him on the arm. “Hey, Danny,” I say in an over-enthusiastic tone. “I don’t really need my crutches anymore. I really feel like I’m getting better.”

Danny sees what
I’m doing and plays along. “Baby, that’s fantastic, I’m so glad because now we can really get on with our future!” He grins stupidly. “We can still take showers together though can’t we? I enjoy that.”

“Of course we can, it’s the best part of my day, I wouldn’t change it for anything
,” I reply brightly. Then we both dissolve into fits of giggles. Danny leaps up and picks me up with him, twirling me around. Then, as he lowers me back to the ground, he tucks some hair behind my ear and leans in to kiss me. I sigh as my lips part and his tongue meets mine. The feeling behind the kiss is almost heartbreaking. No matter how much we love each other, doubt always gets the better of us. All because we were so young we couldn’t express ourselves properly and it left us both so affected that even now, after everything we have been through, it still creeps in.

“We were too young
,” I think out loud. Danny, looks confused again.

“It wasn’t our fault that we found each other so young and the fact that we were ‘meant to be’ just made it worse I think. We couldn’t stop what happened to us because we weren’t ready or able to really express how we felt about each other. Then that screwed us up so badly we weren’t fit for anyone else and we certainly couldn’t cope with each other again…It’s a wonder we are so well balanced now!” I laugh and so does Danny, seeing the funny side.

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” He smiles, taking my face in his hands, his eyes burn into mine.

“I could say the same.” I smile.

Chapter Eighteen

Liv

I just don’t feel worthy.

I carefully carry the coffees into the garden, trying not to spill any into the saucers. I may have the use of both hands back, but I’m still stiff and have a slight limp, which makes transferring hot liquids a bit dicey at times. I walk up behind Danny, working at his laptop in the sunshine. Leaning around him, I place his coffee on the table and he looks up in surprise, then down to my hands. He’s still surprised to see me walking unaided, he raises his eyebrows approvingly.

“Impressed?” I ask, doing a slight curtsey.

“You never stop impressing me.” He pulls my face down to his and kisses me softly.

“Well at least I’ll start being a little more useful round here, even if
it’s just one drink at a time.” I joke, perching on the arm of his chair. “What are you working on?”

“I’m just playing around with something
,” he says, sounding cagey.

“What?” I ask peering at the screen.

“A new website for this place.” He shrugs. “Yours is up for renewal and I don’t think it’s working all that well.”

“We have an internet guy. You don’t have to do that.”

“Hi!” he says sarcastically, offering his hand for me to shake. “Internet guy! Nice to meet you.”

“You know what I mean.” I slap his hand away. “You don’t have to do this, we pay someone to do it.”

“Well I’m free and, frankly, I’m better.” He smirks.

I raise my eyebrows. "Modest too!" I tease. But I love him for it. I know I used to have control issues, but
I’m growing used to him calling some of the shots and I don’t even mind. I no longer feel compelled to resist his help. “Thank you," I say, leaning over to kiss him and relish his confusion, he was expecting to have to fight his corner.

His look of satisfaction is rewarding for me.
I’ve tried to take on board what he said to me after my last surgery. I was ridiculously over independent and I know how deep my need for control runs. It’s a defence mechanism, a result of feeling the way I did when my dad rocked the boat in our lives so badly we were all seasick for years. I’ve tried not to depend on anyone since. Maybe Danny has always been the exception to that and, of course, Max. Although even with them I can still be a nightmare.

If Danny wants to build a new website for us, I won’t stop him. I love that he wants to be involved. I shift off the arm of Danny’s chair and take the one beside him, sipping my coffee.

“So where are we going?” I ask him, still intrigued about why he wanted me to keep this morning free and why he is radiating nervous tension that I’m obviously not supposed to notice.

“Bath shopping!”
he says with a beaming smile.

I want to tell him that he can pick a bath without me, that I trust him and to me a bath is just a bath, but I can’t because he looks so hopefully enthusiastic. Instead I smile back at him and get myself in a bath picking kind of place.

When Danny parks the car on Max’s road, I’m baffled. But Danny looks so excited I try not to let my control freak streak get the better of me. He’s practically giddy when he takes my hand and leads me to the opposite side of the road to a house I don’t know. I frown, but he just grins. A man who seems to know Danny meets us and opens the front door and we step quietly into an empty house. I open my mouth to say something, but Danny stops me, leading me instead up the stairs, in fact we go up two flights into the loft space. It’s a huge empty bedroom, within the eaves, but it’s honestly so big up here you don't notice. Danny opens a door and takes me into an adjoining room.

We are standing in the swankiest bathroom
I’ve ever been in. It puts Max’s to shame and that is saying something. Danny looks terrified suddenly.

“What do you think of this bath?”
he asks quietly.

“Um, I like it
, but I’m not sure why you have bought me to…” I glance around as though the walls have ears and lower my voice, “…someone’s house, to see it. Couldn’t we just go to B&Q, like everyone else?”

Danny eyes me intently and almost smiles, but the nervous tension he was radiating earlier seems to have reached fever pitch. “I was wondering what you thought of the house?”
he virtually whispers.

I blink at him.

“I’d like to buy it,” he says clearing his throat. “For us.”

I suddenly need to sit, so I perch lightly on the edge of this bath we are here to see. Danny crouches down so that he can look at my face and we stare at each other silently for a moment.

I muster the power of speech. “We haven’t talked about this.”

“I know
,” he says. “But I’ve been thinking about it. Do you hate it?”

“No
,” I say, glancing around at the glossy finishes everywhere. “It’s amazing.”

“Charlie told me about it, he knows the guy who has renovated it.” He nods his head towards the door, he must mean the man downstairs. “
It isn’t on the market yet.” He pauses. “I know it’s a lot to take in.”

I blow out a long breath.

“We need to talk about it I know, but the guy wants to put it on the market on Monday, so I wanted to show you, because if you want it, we can stop him.”

I open my mouth to speak but words fail me.

"You don't have to answer right now, but I wanted to show you at least."

“Can we afford it?” This is all I can think right now, even though there are about fifty other questions forming a line in my head.

“Yes.”

“But…”

“Questions later. Will you just look around it with me? Give it a chance? Then we will go home and talk it all through.” He smiles so sweetly there is no way I could say no, even if I wanted to, which I don’t. This house is amazing and Danny has just offered to buy it…for us!

“Ok
ay,” I say meekly.

“Great!” he says
, jumping up. He lifts me to my feet and turns me around. “This is the bathroom,” he says gleefully, “it has a bath AND a shower.”

I take in the room.
It’s roughly the size of my bedroom. Every surface is covered in highly polished cream tile and when I say tile, I mean slab. The walk-in shower could house three of mine and the twin rainfall shower heads look like they pack a punch. Twin sinks line one wall and the spectacular bath looks plenty big enough for two. This is an indulgent bathroom and I hope we can buy this house because I don't think I would ever be satisfied with another bathroom again now that I’ve seen this.

Danny leads me out of the sparkly paradise and stands me in the centre of the huge bedroom.

"This is the master bedroom." He grins. "And this," he says opening the other door, "is the closet!" I step dumbfounded into the next room which has been professionally fitted out as a walk-in wardrobe. I absentmindedly open a cupboard door and the interior automatically lights up. I'm utterly speechless.

"What do you think?"
he asks.

"I think I'm dreaming
," I reply, trying to ignore the rising feeling of what seems like panic. This place is overwhelming. But I wouldn’t be able to keep it looking like this.

Before I know it
I’ve seen three more spacious bedrooms, two with small en suite bathrooms and a similarly equipped bathroom on the lower level. The quality of everything is insane. All the bedrooms have handmade, fitted wardrobes; every door is solid oak, as are the frames, skirting boards and banisters.

Downstairs the entrance hall is tiled like the high
-gloss bathroom, but the floor becomes oak (which I’ve no doubt has underfloor heating) as we enter the immense open-plan living area. A huge open lounge area runs the length of the house and at the back a high-ceilinged, single storey extension houses the swanky kitchen. High-gloss everything, as you would expect and everything in trendy shades of nothing in particular. The kind of colours that you know are vastly superior to magnolia in every way, but equally un-intrusive. I feel very unsophisticated standing here in my work clothes, this is a house you need to dress up for. Now I start to panic. It's too good for me.

A study, a downstairs loo and a utility room later,
I’m starting to hyperventilate. Danny whisks me around the garden and we thank the man. Danny promises to call him tomorrow. Then we're back in the car. I breathe a sigh of relief to be back in the familiar territory of Danny’s car, but then I look around. This car would look the part on that driveway. More and more I’m feeling like I don’t belong in Danny’s vision of our life.

I don’t care that
it’s still approaching noon, I mix two rum and Cokes and plonk myself on a seat in the garden. I lean my head against the back of the chair and close my eyes, sighing with relief to be back in the safety of my world. I don’t know why I feel so freaked out, the house was lovely, amazing really. I was just a bit blindsided and then I started to feel unworthy. I know that’s ridiculous and when I’ve calmed down I’ll wish I could have focused on the house a bit more. For now I just breathe. I don’t know what Danny is doing in the bar, but a couple of minutes to clear my head is just what I need, maybe he realises that.

The chair beside me scrapes on the ground and Danny sits silently beside me. I keep my eyes closed for a minute just enjoying shutting everything out. I know he will think I’m about to say something awful, it
’s what we do, we think the worst. I know we're both trying really hard not to, but I don’t blame him after how I’ve reacted, I expect he thought it would go differently. My breathing has levelled out, so steeling myself, I lift my head and open my eyes.

Danny has his elbows on the table and his hands clasped round the back of his head. His forehead is almost resting on the table surface. I clear my throat and his head snaps up, concern in his eyes.

“I'm sorry, I freaked you out,” he says straight away in barely more than a whisper.

I close my eyes and laugh. “You didn’t freak me out
,” I assure him. “I kind of freaked myself out.”

“How?”
he asks nervously.

“Oh I don’t know.” I sigh, taking a long drink of my rum. “I’m such an idiot. I was just shocked by the whole thing really. It was the last thing I was expecting. Even when we were stood in the bathroom, I still didn’t expect you to say you wanted to buy the house.” I shake my head. It was obvious really, now that I think about it, I should have twigged on the driveway.

“It’s too much, I’m sorry. I should have talked to you about it first. You like your independence, I shouldn’t assume that we're just automatically going to buy a house together.”

“No, that
’s not it at all. I love the idea, honestly, it just took me by surprise. Then we were in that walk-in wardrobe and I felt like a fraud. I mean imagine opening those self-lit doors and finding twenty-five of these,” I say tugging at my staff shirt. “I mean come on, that place is way out of my league.”

“I told you, we can afford it.”

“It’s not about the money, Danny, I just don’t feel worthy.”

“Worthy?
Are you kidding me?”

“No! I can just picture my crap scattered all over that beautiful bedroom. A cracked floor tile in the bathroom where I dropped my deodorant and my makeup smeared around the sink. I can just see the burn on the kitchen counter where I accidentally out a pan down straight on the work surface without thinking…and the dust
, Danny! I’m no housewife. I’m not worthy of it because I would drag it down just by being there! I would feel like a great, lumbering oaf!” I laugh, looking at my outstretched arm. “Do you think the person who designed that bathroom imagined the bathing beauty who would use it would be covered in these?” I ask, holding out my tattooed skin.

Danny smirks and shakes his head. “Are you finished?”

I shrug.

“A house is for living in, for us…just the way we are. You are more than worthy of it, you don’t see how it would suit you. You would bring the colour it needs so badly.” He says kissing a star on my wrist. “I was excited because I saw it on my own yesterday and I could really see us there. Liv, you have no idea, the sound system is all wired in and there is a projector. Imagine watching a movie on the sofa with me. It will be amazing. I’ll get you a cleaner if that
’s all you’re worried about. I had one in LA, I’m no housewife either, trust me. Max has one, we’ll use her.”

“Max has a cleaner?” I blurt.

Danny laughs. “Okay, um, I was supposed to keep that to myself!” He looks sheepish.

I sip my drink and think about the house again. It was beautiful, perfect really. As bad as I would feel for the house, it would be amazing to live there. A cleaner would help but…this brings me back to my first question. “How could we afford it?” I ask. “Do we need such a big place? Shouldn’t we stay here and save some money first
? I hardly have any savings, I put it all into here.” Panic begins to rise again.

“Let
’s start again shall we?” Danny says, taking my hand and sitting straighter. “I shouldn’t have started this with the punch line, I’m way too impulsive, sorry.” He smiles his shy smile, so I try, really try, to relax my nerves and hear him out.